Saturday, January 12, 2008
Anger is really hot...
OK. That's cool. I can read about it in the books, but do I really know this from personal experience?
Several weeks ago a business person fell for their personal preferences and treated me rather rudely. I could feel my stomach churning, literally, turning upside down repeatedly, like a miniature washing machine. I could feel my head and neck tighten, and my hand get into a fist. I could feel my teeth clenching and getting ready to bite. Like an animal snarling and getting ready to pounce to kill you.
Last weekend someone made me angry. I could feel heat inside my body. I could feel how every cell got hot and ... dry! Parched dry. In a very short bit, I was dehydrated, and there was nothing that could replenish me. I was observing it and finally sat to meditate, and that healed it.
Finally, the last piece was to think about the experiences and figure out where I stand. Where I stand is that being angry is hurting ME. They have no clue about true human relationships and really do not care about how I feel anyways. I am not going to be educating them in any way, they don't care. So, why even bother feeling angry? It is the same thing as Jesus being hung up. They have no clue what they are doing. I reminisced about this a lot. Held miniature ho'onoponoponos (mediation and forgiveness practice).
Intellectually, I can totally understand where those people are coming from. They have been abused themselves, and thus are perpetrating the abuse where they can. They cannot help it, they do NOT know about Love. They just blindly go.
And I, as a healer and a human being who had to overcome the same cycle, should be able to understand and forgive. It is my job to try to heal the situation, because I am the one who has the understanting and the training to attempt it. I won't succeed every time, since I am only human, but I will set my intent, try, and ask God for help.
What those people are really asking for is help. They are asking for a different treatment. They are so used to being hit that someone turning the other cheak will totally shock them. They are expecting either to be hit back or to be submitted to. No....
A true human relationship is based on equality.
Also, discipline. I am not going to cater to anyone. A true human relationship is based on Truth.
Also, kindness. I am not going to be rude and exclude anyone. A true human relationship is based on Consideration.
So, can I live this? I will see, the next time. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to walk away. Sometimes the best way is to ignore it.
PS - Why did I get so angry? I was in a class and whatever I said was brushed off in a rather rude way by the teachers, and after a point I could feel that I was attacked, and it was not pleasant. For example, I asked a question and it wasn't answered. The teacher likes to play aloof and condescending in class, for example by not really answering the questions, and likes to blame it on students for not studying. He openly tells us that his class is so small because he demands a lot. Bologney. It is a plain lie to himself first, not worthy of being a teacher. I do not like hearing such lies. His assistant teaches another similar class and LOVES to be the center of attention, and will fight for it. She is very carefull to "kiss ass where it counts and to kick ass where she can." She likes guys better :) For some reason, she thinks I am not important and she is often rude to me. So, when the two of them get together "up front on stage" and misuse the class for just showing off in front of everyone, kinda holding us off by a 5-ft pole, it is kinda ... immature. Something they cannot help. The class is pretty good and it is THE ONLY class on this island, so... one has to forgive them their childishness and press on with the class. Oh well. That's what living in the islands mean - there is often no other place to go. My choices are to try to kiss ass, which I won't; or to leave; or to just be there for the class and ignore the rudeness. Which is what I usually do, beacause I am there for the class. I gave up the people part a long time ago. Their world is not something I wish to be in, because it is based on impressing, kissing ass, and all other rather immature and boring useless stuff imo.
Why did they make me angry this time? This time I was very aware what kinds of feelings is produced by hanging out around them. It is not pleasant. One doesn't feel valued. They as teachers are expecting the class to feed them, so it is not a good teaching style. The students are there not to be fed, either, but to be given something that the teacher can freely share. In that sharing there is a productive exchange.
As for the business associate, what made me angry is that a certain amount of ass kissing was expected, and that amount was way more than I think is healthy. I wasn't going to go with that. I understand respect, and I understand business. When I pay for something, I am not going to "be nice" and let the merhant get away with murder and not deliver me the goods. In this case, I complained about bad arrangement and thus the merchant refused to proceed doing business with me. Oh well!!!! Again, this is an island, so the merchant is counting on basically blackmailing me and twisting my arm to play the game on their term. Well, there are some terms I consider fair and some I consider illegitimate. The lesson I learned in this encounter is how to be very very careful around crocodiles. I could have gotten something if I had been less vocal. Then I would have avoided the experience of being treated badly and dealing with the aftermath of it. However, I spoke up, and that shook the boat. The Truth came out. I am too good at digging out the Truth... Most people are so weak that it is not too difficult to dig anything. The dirt is too close to the surface. Their egos are too fragile. Only an advanced being is not exposed easily. I really need to remember this more often and treat people in gloves. Also, the mistake I have made is to be affected by this person treating me badly, and starting to wish to retaliate. That's the bad, dark part. That wish to retaliate is against God, as this other person is also God's creation, and thus the wish to destroy God is going to destroy me, so I better give it up.
No, this is not about saving my ass. It is, on one level, of course. It is also about Doing The Right Thing. Maybe I don't feel true comradery with this person, and maybe they are a jerk, and maybe they need more discipline and business sense, and maybe to learn some business lessons too. In any case, I should not take it personally. Even if I have to teach some lessons and get back to them, it has to be done from the sense of fairness, not trying to destroy them but rather trying to educate them. Even if I have to "destroy" them, e.g. maybe boycott their business, like Mohamad went to the Holly War, or Arjuna went to war to defend, it has to be done from a sense of impersonal fairness and
DOING THE RIGHT THING.
Just like disciplining children - when they do something nasty, you don't beat the daylights out of them and curse them and try to crush them. You first try talking, educating, etc. If you have to spank them and act angry, then it is done lightly and without being inwardly angry.
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