Sunday, June 14, 2009
I thought I should do the same. Somehow this morning it occurred to me that I am happiest when I freely give love, and when there is good music. Last weeks loving my two new nieces made me sooo happy, before that it was loving the born ignorant ex (well, he did have some good points and since he lived far away, as long as he was away his good points won over his bad points), every day it is loving my cat and my patients. I love loving, showering love on others, receiving it. It feels good, it feels natural, it feels like me. Also, music, I noticed how instantly I get happy when there is good music around. African dancing and drumming is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, I love that music. And that way of living - moving on, never getting stuck, always being present and paying attention, and enjoying it.
So this morning as I was driving to work, I was thinking: all those are external things. I am not going to have a boyfriend every day of my life, I cannot depend on babies being born or around, I am not going to have music every second of my life. Even if I do get married and have a husband every day and children every day, even if I play daily, I won't be able to depend on any of it to make me start showering love. I can never depend on something external to prime that pump.
I NEED TO GENERATE THAT FEELING OF LOVE AND OPEN HEART FROM INSIDE ME.
THEN IT OVERFLOWS TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
I NEED TO DEPEND ON GOD.
I NEED TO FOCUS MY ATTENTION ON GOD AT ALL TIMES.
So, once I solved this "problem" I lived the rest of the day based on it, and it works. I kinda fell behind in the late afternoon, when I was alone at home and on the beach, and feeling blue about it. But again - I focused on God. Then I could really be here now.
The cat shows that this strategy works. She hasn;t let go of me all day, and even gave me a lot of shiatsu with her paws, making sure that she stays around me and keeps physical contact. I love her. Such a fuzzy ball.
Today I was also thinking that in order to accomplish this solution of focusing on God, I need to empty my heart and my whole being of any negative emotions which make God's entry impossible. It literally felt like cleaning up the inside. I asked God to get in there and clean up, and I made effort to get myself back on track when I started getting off it and thinking about how so-and-so picked on me and getting all upset about it. The African dance/drum class picked on me yesterday and I didn't like it. I am different but I am not separate. It bothered me that Milica is good for free massages, for coming to class and paying every time, for fetching stuff from the store, for giving free rides, but still where is no respect for Milica. This kind of thing often happens to me because I am so "lame", I never strut my stuff around so a lot of immature people think I am weaker and they often do feel free to pick on me. Whoever picks on me is a moron and a bully. They are playing games. On my side, I need to be a lot more firm about my boundaries and self respect, and remind people of my value and contribution. Otherwise, they just take it for granted and then treat me like a doormat which makes me upset and then .....
Also, my bad is that I am often too stingy with showing my appreciation and although my classmates tried drawing me out, I often didn't respond enough, so some of them can feel a little odd about me. Well, some cats are just too tight, that's all I can say, and only a LOT of love, consistently and unconditionally, can draw them out.
In my case, I have lots of love, so not sharing it is really hurting me. It needs to come out!
I realized that my upset about it is just hurting ME. For my own sake, I needed to just drop all that. I know who I am and what my intentions are and I am going to live that.
This is huge for me. It requires a certain self confidence, knowing my own place and what I need and stand for, and trust in God that I am always where I need to be, and that the world is my mirror, and that it is completely OK to take a look at myself and observe whatever is there. Seems like I am getting beyond notions of GOOD and BAD, and into some real stuff, the stuff of life.
I realized that those negative emotions were just eating my life, eating me alive, and that it is a lot more important to LIVE. NOW.
So I reminded myself today with a general feeling of something like this: I am here to Love, and play music, and enjoy Life and spread the good vibes.
This worked on my patients etc. Certainly worked on the cat. And on me! What a beauty treatment, it feels relaxing and a lot more energizing.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]