Saturday, July 11, 2009


I spoke with a Self Realization Fellowship nun when I was getting rid of Born Ignorant Hell, and I told her that I really needed to get married. I will never forget the puzzled silence on her side. She certainly didn't think that a man was necessary for life. I guess that's why she is a nun :) My path is the path of householder and marriage yoga. Although, I have been living like a nun for many years now :) :) :) My neighbors think I AM a nun LOL

Anyways, this evening, as I was dancing in the Congolese dance class, I noticed the phenomena that Gurdjieff talks about, which is increase in enthusiasm when we get attention from opposite gender. I was all tired to begin with, but then a new drummer walked in, and 3 drummers can make a lot more hoola boola than 2 drummers, and suddenly my energy level went up, esp because this 3rd drummer enjoyed looking at us dancers. And he is a very nice guy and he is "safe". I suppose that is what opposite genders do for each other - the admiration we have for the different and the need we have for the "other" that completes our half of the whole possible.

Also, there is something I noticed before in my dance classes, and that is being able to dance more easily when I get closer to the drums. (In African dance, we start far away from the drummers, then we dance and come closer, and when we get quite close, we break and go back to the start line).
How much is it the drums and how much is the drummers themselves, who are typically male?

I suspect there is probably both factors. What dawned on me this evening is that I was a lot more female around male drummers. Somehow them being different is what brought out from me things that otherwise cannot be brought out. Very interesting observation.

Basically, it is not possible to be light unless there is presence of darkness. It is not possible to be feminine unless there is masculine. I AM feminine but I don't even know it if I am alone. There is nothing to compare myself to. When I am around (nice, safe) guys, then I become aware of my feminine side. Otherwise it is like a ray of light on a sunny day - it is there but invisible.

Another thing that also dawned on me this evening is my background - I actually come from a very strong culture and strong family, and I am a "child from a good house" and it shows. I have something to fall onto, I have been taught discipline and good manners and "doing things the right way", and I have a history that is normal. No drugs, or dramas, no religious dogma, or whatever, only normal human stuff, normal human life, very common sense. I am lucky! Very lucky.

I also realized how the drum/dance community must have had difficulty with me because I really look and behave rather lame. Nothing flashy, etc. (I am beautiful but I don't strut it, quite the opposite ... ) I am not into clothes and looking pretty, so what I wear must be really ticking them off. I am the kind that has tags showing, pants falling below butt line, old clothes, holes, hair standing up, etc. I really should pay more attention to what I wear. I have been a loner all my life and am not socially very skilled (nor interested nor enthused) in environments like theirs, which are completely socially "showy". I am not socially showy at all. I am a sociable introvert.


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