Thursday, July 9, 2009
what is expected of a relationship; being in the moment
They all want something for nothing because the deal is:
I will continue living my life and just incorporate YOU, because you are nice to me and you will take care of me.
So I don't have to give up my childish immature selfish habits, like ___ fill in the blanks_____ (hints: Born Ignorant dogma, womanizing, drugs, alcohol, working all the time, never spending time with you, not talking to you, making you feel stupid, etc etc.)
And we shall be happy ever after! I will get to do what I want, AND I will have good care on top. Awesome! I love you!
Well, even a dog could hardly accept that. Even dogs have needs, like walks, food, bath, and lots of company.
Human partners have even more needs. (and children and families and communities, for that matter). Not to mention the marriage yoga: a human partner is supposed to be a partner for spiritual growth.
So, unless one is willing and able to Grow, why bother with a relationship. To be able to sleep with someone? But then where does it end - both parties get bored and eventually split. To have someone support you? That sucks.
The case of Born Ignorant is a very good illustrative case of an immature asleep person. Every immature, selfish person who cannot relate does the same thing. The story is the same for womanizers, chemical addicts, workaholics, absent ones, moody ones, ... The story goes like this:
Phase 1: He lies about his beliefs, to be able to get the care he wanted;
Phase 2: he gets the care, and he is unwilling to change his limiting beliefs.
Phase 3: When cornered, he leaves - to find another victim who will finance his habits.
Phase 1 is the courting stage, where he is "nice" and the victim is usually blinded by their own desires - for love, company, sex, partnership, etc etc. This is the rosey phase with great potential for getting stuck by making kids or having joint finances.
Phase 2 is the life after the courting. The caretaker is still working hard in caretaking, hoping that the addict will somehow "change."
This phase is such a good deal - he gets to have his cake and eat it too. The other person has to grow, and he stays where he is at, comfortably. In short, he just found someone to FINANCE HIS ADDICTIONS. To take care of him and enable him to keep on doing more of the same.
So, in case of Born Ignorant, he can proudly parade around carrying his Bible, never forgiving, never giving, never showing any trace of love, just TALKING TALKING TALKING about it and never doing any of it, and his partner must do all the Inner Work of True Christiantity and shower all the love and care on him in actual specific terms.
See the parallels? A womanizer gets to run around and come home for a nice meal and ready bed, a drug addict has someone to drive him home when drunk, a workaholic has someone at home to clean the house and watch the kids, etc.
(AND on top of it, he tries to convert his caretaker. My goodness, that is stupidity. It leads to losing the care! The care is contingent precisely on the fact that the caretaker is a normal human being able and willing to give, share and love. Once they go off the deep end too, there is no more giving. It is like a womanizer converting his caretaker into running around too, or a drug addict hooking someone on drugs. Bye bye all the comforts to the leach.)
During courting and caretaking stages, the addict lies about his beliefs and tries to hide them. He also lies about "loving" his caretaker. As long as he is taken care of unconditionally and without any obligations, he is "in love" and wants more.
Phase 3 is when the addict becomes suspect, because his behavior finally drives the caretaker insane and some questions are raised.
As soon as something is expected of him, he is not in love anymore. Any threat of him having to give something of himself immediately dries up his enthusiasm, and he sulks, accuses, stabs, bails.
Eventually the caretaker will get fed up and will not try to cajole the sulky kid, and then the sulky kid will leave on his own. Some leave quietly, some steal whatever they can and stab you on the way out.
And of course, as every addict will do, no addictions are ever given up.
Womanizer wants women who will be fine with his escapades, and hate OTHER WOMEN that he is escapading with, not him. He will always the darling one and off the hook. Other women are guilty, not him. He sets up women against each other and sets himself as a prize to be gotten at any cost. Drug addict wants someone who will drive him home when he is drunk and stoned and not be grossed out by all of it and never mind that the drunk one is totally out of it and definitely totally out of being able to relate to his "loved one". Born Ignorant wants someone who will read the Bible with him and never question any of that insane reality of some partial god who is there to whack you or praise you if you are "bad" or "good" - and as long as we TALK "good" we are fine regardless of what we are actually DOING. A partner who will participate in that hypocrisy. Born Ignorants are also very afraid of ending up in hell, which is very suspicious - they must have been there already to be able to be so afraid on such visceral level. Their whole religion is hell. And creates hell for anyone and anything that comes in contact with it. Like a poison. I have never seen anything so evil so subtle and so slimey that just sucks life out of a person.
Phase 4 is just the repeat of the cycle, going back to Phase 1 with another victim. How do they spot their victims? I don't know! How do they figure out: this one will take care of me and not ask any questions, at least for a while until I get fat again.
So every one of these selfish people will try to keep and justify at any cost his addiction. Their addiction is just a smokescreen to allow them to continue in the same vein, selfish and immature, closed off. They DO NOT FEEL. They cannot feel. They don't want relationship. They want a nanny, a nurse, a caretaker.
So, as soon as their addiction is on the agenda, they will stab and bail. And forget very quickly.
Born Ignorant was an amazing case because his dogma is such that he is brainwashed to forget _super quickly. He said he had a difficult time over ONE weekend, then got into charitable events on Monday after, and was a happy proud productive christian ever since. This comes from a man who for 2 years claimed he loved me more than anything. Some weeks after that difficult weekend, he saw nude Jennifer Aniston on yahoo news, and he thought about it while driving, which eventually made him think of me for about 5 minutes, but then he got out the car and forgot all about me. That's the power of Born Ignorant christianity and any addiction - it completely kills any sense of life. This man is completely in the Matrix, completely asleep, and dreaming of himself as someone grand and also someone completely "bad" at the same time. All addictions are driven by a deep sense of insecurity and falsity. If he felt genuinely and deeply confident in his place in Life as a Human Being, he could never be an addict. Addiction is just to give him that smokescreen, that fake mask of being "good enough." He is completely delusional.
All addicts are delusional and trying to escape reality by feeding off something external, by attaching to something external. They all want to be high. The chemical addict does it by taking chemicals. Womanizer does it by praying on the attention he gets, by being tickled by sexual innuendos. Born Ignorant imagines himself as a knight in the schining armor.
They are just avoiding FEELING and BEING IN THE MOMENT, RAW MOMENT. With all that it is. Boring, hard, mundane, tough, pretty, relaxing, exilirating, ... whatever. Any addict picks just the "fun" parts on the "up" side, of being special and powerful and having ONLY pleasure. But those are not real moments. Those are our mind interpretations of real moments. Real moments are raw. They are deep. They are very concrete and very transforming.
Women are asleep as much as men are, however, women are a little more sensitive and aware beings in general, so the blame is on them: Women have made a tremendous mistake in raising such immature men (and women). Every mother who could not teach her sons to Love and Give is a failure as a mother. Every woman who accepted such morons for lovers, husbands and fathers of their children is a moron too, helping to propagate this immaturity and madness. Sex and also money issues is a great blinder and makes people do stupid things. Some women choose to attach because they don't have financial independence. That's immature woman who does that, afraid/lazy to go out into the world and make it her own. Many women become enslaved because they are too quick to have sex and thus children, and then they are tied. However - as my brother said: "we will raise the kid and maybe one day tell him who the father is."
Labels: being in the moment
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