Tuesday, September 1, 2009

being a real Christian - related to letting go and bullying posts

Luckily, I was raised in eastern ortodox environment. It has spirituality that is much more down to earth and without sense of guilt, i.e. completely opposite than western christianity which is all about guilt and fear -
about living one's life in double standards and guilt and fear (catholics) and forcing oneself into stark existence using guilt and fear (protestants). For example, Italians are known for sleeping around, which they consider sin, but they still do it and live happily ever after, feeling guilty, because church allows them to say confession, pay the dues, and keep on doing the same thing. They feel guilty and they continue to sin, and that's how their lives are in just about everything.

Eastern Ortodox church just doesn't do such a good job at scaring so many followers into blindly following something rigid and limiting. Unfortunately for the church, because it is less popular i.e. financially backed up and powerfully influential. Fortunately for the church, because it preserved something Real and is more beneficial to people. That's good karma. Catholic church is straight from hell, it damages people for life, it scares them into feeling guilty and obedient and yet it allows people to continue doing clearly wrong things, which further increases feeling of guilt and dependence on the "forgiveness" from the church, so churchh charges (very high) dues to do this "forgiveness brokerage" between man and God. What a racket!

So, anyways, if you have read my blog you have already met the Prim and Proper Christian, the Born Again Impotent and Ignorant dude who hid his churchianity and joined my meditation group and tried to sneak up on me as someone real and date me. I found out as soon as I started questioning his weird behavior. He was so full of guilt and fear that he could not function properly. But he felt as a real christian. Proud! Although he hasn't spoken with his own children for 10 years (on his own initiative - he didn't like the kids anymore after divorce), etc.
This is a person who didn't have enough presence to love anything and anyone, including being nice to a cat for a minute. He certainly did not forgive me the smallest thing. He was just .... obsessed with himself and his membership in the christian club where you get to do as you please as long as you parrot politically correct words and pay the dues. Even more, in his Born Again Impotent club, parroting was not enough. They had to actually BELIEVE it, and be afraid. And he was. COntinuing to do awful stuff was ok, as long as he was feeling afraid and guilty and hooked on party line.

So, recently my aunt died. She suffered a lot for a while, and my father took care of her almost every day for a few hours. He made long trips to visit her, brought her fresh fruit, and stood by her bed, fed her, held her hand, etc. (and bugged the nurses too, seems like - he questioned what they were doing or not doing). But anyways - he took care of her, because he loved her. In her wild youth, she wasn't always so nice to him. He is deaf and it is easy not to be nice to him - everyone back home was very rude to him. My dad is super intelligent and has 2 college degrees. But - in the very primitive country like ours, at that time, being deaf was really a bad shameful thing, and so they treated him as if he were mentally retarded in a very very openly rude way. I was watching all that as a child and was always appaled by how cruel and rude people can be. Many were enjoying openly making fun of my father. Many enjoyed showing off at his expense, by putting him down. Many tried to take advantage of him financially, etc.

So I said to my mom: wow, he forgave all that?

My mom said, and in a very confessional voice: well, you know, we are real Christians.
She said that my father never took on any of that bad stuff. Somehow it never touched him.

She made me think. Indeed, she is correct. Everyone makes fun of my father. Yet - he never takes it on. That's true.
That's very great, isn't it.

They both are like it. My own mother took care of my grandma, her mother in law. when she was dieing. This mother in law was so malicious and so caustic and poisonous, it was terrible living with her, and esp. her attacking my mother (and me), and the two of them fightning. My mother was less than examplary after years of that, it got to her. She wasn't a saint anyways and this bad environment made her do some really mean things. Yet it was my mother who took care of this evil person dieing. To the end. And without any grudges, it was all forgotten, like a sore that healed. Also of her own mother, who was nothing nice to her. I just watched.

We had a neighbor girl whose parents were divorced, which, back then, was a total and complete rarity. The girl had behavioral problems for sure. One day she was teasing me - just for the sake of annoying me - that my dad was deaf. I just beat her up! I came home and found my parents sitting on the edge of the porch in the late afternoon sun, holding hands and looking happy. I told them why I was so upset. They both smiled. My mother said in a very calm and peaceful tone, with a smile and something very warm and compassionate, something very understanding in the energy of her voice and presence: DONT MIND WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT YOUR FATHER, THATS IRRELEVANT. YOUR FATHER IS OK. AND, DONT YOU SEE, SHE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE A FATHER.

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