Monday, September 7, 2009

the mind is afraid of God

The conversation between me and my mother:
me: ... "and then when you meditate, you focus your attention on God."
mom: "What God?! I am down here, he is up there and what do I have to do with him?!"

The conversation between me and Born Again Ignorant:
BAI, in a very emotional, scared, hushed tone of voice: ..."if you don't obey God, you will go to hell!!!"
me: "How are you so sure, how can you verify that?"

BAI, in a very emotional, awed, hushed tone of voice: ..."and if you obey, you will go to Heaven."
me: "How are you so sure, how can you verify that?"

BAI: ..."all those who don't accept Jesus as their savior, are sure to go to hell, and they are NOT children of god."
me: "So Dalai Lama is going to hell?? I am going to hell? and we are not children of God??"
BAI, in a very snide appologetic, cold tone of voice: "I never said that. I am just quoting what the Bible says."

My mom to me: "Honey, you need to tell him: we are going together - to hell or to heaven. But you going to heaven and me going to hell - that's unacceptable."

My mom to me: "Honey, don't worry. Hell is not what it used to be. It's actually quite comfortable now. Now there is no more boiling cauldrons, it's all central heating.
They serve good food and drinks. And all interesting people go there.

And that BAI, for what he believes in, he is going to Hell for sure. Jesus must be crying because of what he and his church believe in. It's opposite from Christianity."

me: "Hm, if he is going to hell, and we are going to hell??..."

My mom: "He and his church are the people who serve food and drinks in hell."


So, before I ditched the BAI as unacceptable company, I understood what he was afraid of. I was wondering why he is so afraid of God and hell, and I got the answer. Several times, I sat in my bed at night VERY AFRAID of where I was going to go when I die. I am sure that's how those dogmatic brainwashing churches get their victims. They are like children afraid of the boogeyman.

Wondering where I was going to go after I die and/or being afraid of that has never happened to me. Somehow deep down I KNOW I am going somewhere good, and I KNOW that God watches over me. It is so deeply ingrained in me. I am just 100% SURE I am a child of God and he takes care of me. Someone like BAI must have some really bad memories of past lives and "hell" where they must have been, if they are so afraid. Also, their lives are 100% fake and that certainly must make them feel afraid of God, they must sense that they are actually abusing God and messing up His Creation. No wonder they fear "wrath of god."

I am not a saint and I am definitely stuck down here just like everyone else. I too have trouble meditating, focusing on God, etc. Yet, somewhere deep down, I am very sure I am a child of God and very focused on God and totally sure that I am a lot more than just my body. Actually all my life is based on that - I am not just my body. That's why I am so different than other people and that's why I live differently. The part of me knowing I am plugged into God is something that is not as pronounced - I know it deeply but do not live it as much as I would like to. Now I am working to bring it more to the surface.

Recently I had some insights into how it all works. Since I am a lot more knowledgeable now and a lot more determined to get where I am going - enlightement - I tried meditating, trying to connect with God, and was very afraid. This is actually the first time in my life that I get to see how the ego works. It is deathly scared.

I had experiences where I realized that my mind would NOT allow me to focus and meditate. It was afraid that "I" - better yet - IT - was dieing. And yes, it would mean a lot less freedom for it. In fact, no freedom. Something else would take control. I don't even know what that something else is. It's called Higher Self. What it is - dunno! Something that interfaces between "me" in physical, and God.

There is a specific way to get there, Paramahansa Yogananda teaches it. What is uncanny is that one of my clients "saw" during a bodywork session exactly what Y. says should be seen, in exactly the right spot.

The funny thing which I do not understand is how it is possible for me to say: "ok, I understand there is fear. I see it. Now I intend to put it aside and go for God." I can do that for about 15 mins, then I lose it - and quite lose it. I am definitely not strong, my will is undeveloped, I cannot concentrate, and this fear is quite strong. Yet there is another desire that is strong too. It needs to be awakened and nourished. It does NOT happen automatically. The path of least resistance is to have a lazy undisciplined mind which wanders all over like "a cow in mischief". It takes EFFORT to pull the reigns.

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