Tuesday, September 1, 2009

a theathrise into bullying

Since something in me cannot intentionally hurt another, it is kinda ingrained in me for some reason, I am finding myself as an alien on Earth, where lots of people have NO TROUBLE hurting one another.

So my tenants decided not to pay rent for two months. That's a "great" plan, they saved $3000 - at my expense. I was too nice with them - they paid rent every month late, and eventually did not pay at all. On my side, it was a combination of wanting things to work out, they had a baby shortly after they moved in, I didn't want any trouble because I was too busy, the guy scared me because he'd come to my house and I'd have to meet him alone, etc. etc. So - the cost of me being so nice (and scared and rosey glassed) is that I am completely broke. They financially ruined me. Not to mention the Board of that building, who hasn't repaired some damages to my apartment for almost 3 months and that cost me no rent income. Before that, their unannounced no-dog policy cost me another 2 months of rent. All in all - a bunch of bullies. They figured out they can do it, and they went for it. And they got me - so far. Now I am in a corner and ready to fight to defend myself.

So - let's study bullying and bullies. Like we would study insects - something very different that needs a close examination under a magnifying glass.

========== STAGE 1: The naive me tries to comprehend that someone indeed is trying to "kill" me. That concept doesn't exist in my world so it is hard to understand. ===

The issue is the building where I own, where the Board is run by an angry woman with history of alcohol abuse. She works with absentee owners of 6 out of 12 units in the building and has their proxies; so she can do what she wants, unless all other owners vote for the same thing, which is highly improbable. She has the other two Board members cornered, because those two have done illegal alterations to the building exterior and are motivated to "cooperate" in order not to have to change it back. All 3 live in the building. The official property management company helps all of them to hide their tracks legally. The gang leader hates me for an unknown reason, I barely know her.

The Board - who was just this gang leader before- didn't do repairs and let my unit flood 3 times, never repaired anything, and finally the last time let it sit so long that it HAD to be repaired. But she hired her son in law, who is not a handyman, stopped repairs for a whole month, etc so it took 2.5 months instead of 2 weeks. The management company laundered the receipts. I could not rent while it was being repaired, it was a mess. At the end, the gang leader blamed me for everything that happened - as if I didn't repair, hired her son in law, etc. That is so amazingly incredible lie straight into face, and what is more interesting, this person actually BELIEVES it. She somehow hypnotized herself into not seeing anything bad about her. As if she done her part. I have it all documented in writing what actually happened, with photographs too. Now the new Board is refusing to pay me back for lost rent because she told them so. Also, she - they - also fueled my tenants into not paying rent for 2 months and playing hardballs, blackmailing me for $3000 and threatening to sue me for slander because I told the Board that they didn't pay rent on time. I TOLD THE BOARD AFTER THREE SUBSEQUENT MONTHS OF THEM NOT PAYING RENT ON TIME.

So, their problem is that they are doing illegal things and feeling fine about it and even justified in attacking and hurting others in order to cover their tracks.

My problem so far was that I could not comprehend how a human being can foresake their duties, e.g. paying rent and taking care of the building (our dues are 343$ per month!!!) and even be so beligerant to attack in order to cover their tracks. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? That is not a human being. It is something else - something vicious that cannot be called a human being. Something alien.

They cost me about 10K so far, I had to leave my dreams and get a day job in order to pay all this. They cost me health, stress, lots of running around, etc. I will be jeopardizing my new job, missing new employee orientation in order to go to eviction court next week. The problem is that I feel guilty when I don't perform up to 100% and other people exploit that.

The court system seems to make possible such slimeballs, because they are very good in manipulation and lies. The last time I was in court, I was patiently waiting for my turn to speak and it never came. The "mediation" we did in court was completely illegal - I was allowed to speak one sentence, which I said calmly, then asked out of the room, and I never was conveyed what the other party said, who was rather loud and passionate. The mediator decided that I must be guilty because I was so quiet and probably told the judge, because the judge just yelled at me and never allowed me to speak. (Later I realized how it works - I didn't file somethng properly so judge *had* to dismiss my case. However, he dismissed it in a very rude way, because he sensed he could dump it.)

So this is a very strange world we live in. It seems like some degree of something - some cunning - is necessary because the predators are enabled and running rampant. Our society enables predators. That's the major problem.

My problem is that so far they got me, and that's why they enjoy poking me. They enjoy seeing someone suffer. That's sick.

This building has a history of such bad management. The only time it was managed correctly was when I was the President, then I stop the illegalities and repaired the building (it was leaking and every unit got wet - but nobody cared for the tenants). As soon as the building was repaired, they took me down and continued doing illegal stuff. Again, it was one crazy person, former druggie, who was a master of ralying others against others to serve his personal gains. He had to eventually leave the county because of his criminal activities.

Why do I own there? because I bought it cheap and am saving it as a retirement investment. The prices are literally double now and I cannot afford to buy another one.

So this curse on the building needs to break. Somehow. I wonder what the best way is. The only way includes change of something internal in me, where they don't get the satisfaction of "getting me" anymore. That feeds them. So far, I tried inner work and it is not working, because I am getting really nasty emails from them. I need to try better. How and what Also, how and what externally - sue them, etc.

========== STAGE 2: BIG "AHA!" Milica begins to understand the mechanics of it ==========

There is a Phoenicia Pathwork lecture about how unhealed people need pain, either inflicting it upon others and/or upon ourselves.

Bullies thrive on making and seeing people suffer. Something very sick inside gets satisfaction from that.

Also, bullies carefully calculate who will NOT bite them back, and that's who they attack.

There is a true story of a woman who was captured by bandits, who tortured her. One day she realized that she is not her body, that she belongs to God, and so the bandits have no power over her. The second she felt that, they left her alone.

So I practiced this this morning and it works. I had a peaceful productive morning, focusing on getting my job done.
Then, all of the sudden a lot very personal hate email came from the gang leader person. She sensed that I "unplugged" and is trying to hook me back in. I can feel it as her grabbing for my solar plexus. She needs to feed off me.

So that's how it works - she enjoys inflicting pain on others and herself, and I used to accept pain being inflicted upon me. I was beaten as a child and it comes from that. During the last Vision Quest, I had a lot of opportunities to mull over that and decide it is over. The change is incredible. Unhooking from this bully is my chance to really transcend something from the past.

BTW - a qualification for any spiritual aspirant should be doing at least one VQ per year. They are extremely powerful. Shamanic knowledge requires training in neutral objectivity, otherwise some people take it all personally and effectively act as a dark shaman. In other words, it is not good enough to be a shaman. One has to be a saint.

Also, there is something in me that does not strike back, naturally, it feels that it is wrong, and it naturally turns the other cheek. Even if I complain and protest - and I do - I wish the person well. That is a Law that I believe in.
People feel that and that's another reason why they strike - they will get something they want, attention. Also, they get a chance to act powerful, to have power over someone else. That really tiltilates asleep people.

So, how do we learn to ACT like we are going to bite and we mean it?
Also, sometimes we do have to fight. How do we fight?

=========== STAGE 3: DIGGING DEEPER ============

When we point at someone else, we point at them with one finger and at ourselves with 2 fingers. Try it: point at someone with your index finger. Where are your other fingers?

So, it occurred to me that perhaps the gang leader was harassing me not because she needed me hooked. Was it ME who was calling her to hook into me?

Looking back at my life, when calamities like these happen, it is because I am doing something wrong and Something Higher is kicking me back to the right track.
Either that, OR I am self sabotaging, OR both.

I suspect that it is me creating the building problems. Usually my intent overpowers everyone else's. (That's the problem with doing spiritual work but not doing it deep enough and long enough and supervised closely enough to transcend the negative internal qualities - we are capable of creating but not strong enough to let God supervise it. So, it is really necessary to meditate and pray regularly and talk with God all the time. For me, Gurdjieff Work and Paramahansa Yogananda are instrumental to keep me on the right track.)

Something in me needs me to fail, and creates chaos and trouble. So far I was not able to catch it except once, in neurolinguistic programming guided visualization. It looks like a thief - dressed all in black, sneaking around, checking all my internal "files" and making sure to steal/destroy everything which is not according to the specs.

The specs for some reason say that I must fail. I have been taught that by my family, and am doing it to myself now. (Reminds me of a teenage movie I saw, about a cursed girl. It was a hillarious movie, teenage movie but set in medival England, so all habits were from today but cosumes were from then. The girl lost her mother when young and was cursed by her wicked godmother to do as other people tell her. So her stepsisters told her to stab the handome prince with a knife when he comes to give her a hug. The curse was broken only when she had the inner strength to break it, herself. She loved the handsome prince so much and at the moment she was going to stab him she remembered the words of her mother: which exactly I don't remember, it was something like: believe in yourself.

So I catch myself being like that cursed girl, and I do not see how it works under the radar. The only thing that I can see is the radar screen when it is too late - as soon as I consciously think that something in my life is going well, it almost immediately gets destroyed.

I really need to transcend that. During the last Vision Quest, I saw a lot of situations/people who trained me to be abused, and was able to move beyond some of it. It is quite phenomenal what happens - my posture improved.

Also, If I need to change something in my life, and am not acting on it, problems will make me so. Like, I was not supposed to live on the East Coast, I was supposed to go out West. Right now, if I am not supposed to be in Hawaii anymore, or if I am supposed to do something different here in Hawaii, I better move my butt or else it will be kicked. Should I sell that apartment? Should I ... ???

============ STAGE 4: Oh. =====================

So it is up to me to have that presence to actually unhook.

============ STAGE 5: Where else is this operating in my life? =========

Hey, this hooking business seems familiar. Yes.....
So Born Again Ignorant prayed for me and then stopped when he left - but then he prayed that I missed him. He prayed for ravenge. Not really consciously, I think.
It is understandable - he wanted something which he could not get. However, praying for ravenge is not love. He was feeding off our breakup and thinking how he "showed me" when he instantly choose "christianity" instead of me. It made him feel bigger and more important. Where in reality, he is nobody and nothing and has importance ZERO. He became important because he harassed someone and made them pay attention.

Or the other playboy who is after me but not really, he never approached me, he just looks, he just enjoys my attraction and keeps it to make himself inflated. Someone likes him so he uses it to feel important.

All those people are feeding off someone else and not giving back one thing. They enjoy someone feeding them energetically. They feel who they can hook into and then go for it.

I am sure I am doing that too in my life, because I am asleep too. However, I seem to at least TRY to not be doing it as much. After all, I am a healer. Not by proclamation but by some internal wiring. My mom says I am noble, strict and fair. That's a compliment, when it comes from a mother who knows you well, and esp. my mother, who is not very fond of me as a person. She gets irritated with my quest for Truth, she likes to sweep things under the rug and I most certainly don't. My whole life is about bringing things from under the rug into the light of the day.

I was just a lot luckier not to have such traumatic experiences so it is easier for me to bring Truth out. My parents grew up with bombings and death and starving during WWII and the tough communist years later, and people disappearing to torture chambers because they said a wrong thing. No wonder my parents are not into bringing the monsters out from under the rug. It probably would take a lot for them to "digest" all that swept away stuff. However - that's the only way to heal it.

Isn't it wonderful, so lucky, to be this cocky like me - someone who grew up in peace and feels completely justified to be dealing with Higher Things in Life.

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