Wednesday, September 23, 2009

what does it take to get to someone?

What got to me is a tremendous display of human evilness and stupidity that I saw in the Born Again Ignorant person. I have never been so close to someone so ... evil. Really, that's what it is all about. Evil on purpose, out of ignorance and fear. Extremely selfish beyond anything imaginable. Scared. Agressive. Ego, exposed.

I can see how people do stupid things, like the Board of the building where I rent, they are malicious on purpose. They are actually trying to hurt me and "feed off" seeing me suffer. That is entertaining to them. Seeing that from afar is one thing. Being very close to that, "in bed with it" literally, is another thing. It makes me question humanity.

It makes it obvious that what walks around looking and acting as human beings is NOT human beings. It is something very different. It is something very ... hm... evil. That's all that I can say. Not evil on purpose to be evil, but definitely evil by result and actually by intent, because it doesn't care for others, but only for its own ass, at any cost, including stepping over others. It is willing to do whatever it takes to save its own ass. There is no compassion, no thinking, no giving, no service, no "do the right thing" approach at all. It is simply:

*** my ass comes first and I will kill you if you are in my way. ***


OK, now let's go back to my grandma. She was an orphan, suddenly. Then she married an ortodox guy, although she was catholic. Catholic church wouldn't give her permission - so - she simply converted.
Then the WWII broke out and catholic church was going to kill her family because they were the "wrong" religion. So they had to flee - the hubby took off separately, camouflaged as a railorad worker (they almost caught him because his hands were too nice); and grandma and her mother put the Sunday pretty clothes on the kids (the oldest was around 5, the youngest 2), took a picnic basked with all the jewelery under the food, and went on a Sunday picnic - never to return. They took the train and followed the hubby to another country. They told kids to tell anyone that their names were the "right" religion names, so even the little 2 yr old had to remember to tell people petting him on the head that his name was now X, instead of Z. He almost stumbled and gave them away. Almost.
So - they arrived to the foreign country, they also wanted to kill them because they came from the "wrong religion" country - but they did ok - and then the hubby was killed, and then -

my grandma, her mom, and 3 little kids had to live with grandma's oldest daughter and her rich husband. They called that woman "aunty". Well, aunty put them in the basement - yap, her own mother, sister and 3 kids - made them clean and do laundry (back then, a huge operation with huge boiling cauldrons and ironing afterwards), didn't feed them, ... while she was partying upstairs, with TONS of food. She loved to eat a lot. (She was really fat, I saw her. I didn't know what she did when I first met her, as a child. But I knew instantly that she was fake and fishy, there was somethign "wrong" about her.) I don't remember how it actually went - did they have to pay rent to aunty and also do her chores out of thankfulness.

Meanwhile, WWII rages on. Bombings at night, curfview, raids, lack of food, etc. My mom and her grandma sleep in the same bed and one day my mom, as a small child, wakes up with a dead body next to her. My grandma walks for miles through villages around the town, to sell some of the jewelery for food. Going price: one egg for a gold coin. The little family is mostly hungry. Aunty's husband dies and she finds a live-in lover, and they certainly have enough food upstairs. But they don't let the kids even pick the apple tree in the yard.

Finally, the aunty is not even feeding them at all so kids go hungry and grandma has to put them into orphanage. My mom remembers that with horror. The kids were separated and hungry, while war and bombings was raging outside. Finally, the war is over and grandma gets a paid job cleaning the ruins after the bombings. She gets the kids out of the orphanage, gets a job as a telephone operator, and moves out. Eventually her company gave her a little apartment.

Aunty's lovey dovey came to grandma's new place to ask when they will come back to do the laundry? Grandma kicked him out.

Grandma did ok living in her small apartment for many years, alone (well, she did have a lover, secretly). Eventually the civil war broke out and inflation hit. With her small retirement pension, grandma went hungry, and eventually died from hunger. She never told my parents that she was out of food, she was too proud. My parents, on the other hand, should have guessed - it was no brainer!!!! common!!!! Grandma's monthly pension was enough to buy 1/2 gallon of milk. That's it. I think that my parents should have stepped forward on their own to help her out. Finally they did, when grandma was already so frail because she lost so much weight from not eating. The only good thing is that she softened from that experience. I guess being old and alone and poor really got to her. Also, her own son's family intentionally left her hungry. And her own son did some very terrible things to her. Grandma died disowning him. She admired him beyond measure before that.

So - as you can see, if I were in her shoes, would I be able to even comprehend all that evilness, all that selfishness. First, the war and all the killings and suffering, then her own sister mistreating her own mother and little kids. That's incomprehensible, is it? To us, because we never were in such situations. Lucky us, aren't we?

What does it take to forgive and forget all that? I know for sure that none of them ever forgave nor forgot. It's ok not to forget, but to not forgive - that's really a burden. Not forgiving made them so tight and rigid and closed off.

So - that's my background. I myself grew up with things similar to this, because I grew up in a very difficult situation myself, and it is a miracle I am even alive.

Well, so, I should be able to understand the Born Again Ignorant. My own parents neglected their own children and even more, were willing to sacrifice us to save their own ass. For example, out of their own selfishness and fear, both my mother and my father each almost had my brother literally killed, twice. So, yes, I have seen that kind of behavior before, Born Again Ignorant was not the first person ever who is so asleep and self centered.

I guess why it was so hard to accept it is because I was STILL dealing with such asleep, selfish personas. I shouldn't have to. All the work I have done so far should have produced a lot higher quality company. So, ultimately, the question becomes: what was wrong in me so that a leech like that can judge me as a suitable victim? Will I ever get to deal with some wiser people? Am I stuck forever on this level of reality with some trash? How will I ever succeed in getting higher?

Those are some heavy questions. The answer is very simple: live as if God is real. If so, then every problem has a solution and everything leads to something good.

Actually, that's why I *am* alive today. As a child, I remember being visited by something Higher that ensured me I was going to be ok. And I always trusted that. And I always was ok. God is Real, and good always wins. That's the Law.

It takes sometimes some effort to remember that. That's where meditation comes in. It helps Rememember.

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