Wednesday, November 11, 2009

gotta get married

Well, the consensus is that I am going to get married, asap. Except, the question is, to whom?

It is extremely comical because all possible scenarios and situations are completely off. It is such an amazing black comedy, parody, name it whatever you want. I have never seen anything so hillarious in my life. Because, the line is very long and there are zillion guys trying and/or hoping, and it is extremely comical because so many find me sexy and go for it, and not because I tried - like the example of those tight black pants that I wrote about before - or the elevator guy - I was waiting to go down, so I was in front of the elevator and he came out of it and just STARED at me like he saw ... whatever - some hot chick :) Or the day I wore the shiney blouse, and suddenly everyone wanted to hang out with me.... Or when I went to Home Depot and there was 3 guys wanting to help me. You can never get anyone to help you at Home Depot. Suddenly, there are 3 guys in front of me, fighting who will help me. There are just too many situations like that and it is just hillarious because I am not causing it, it just happens - I guess because I am alive and perky - and finally life has thrown me into situations where I meet a lot of men, so I *have to* deal with them although I would rather avoid it - and have been very successfully avoiding for years :) To get to talk to me is practically impossible and I am very very good at avoiding anyone hitting on me. I am _so super good that nobody can come even close. That's why I am still not married :)

And now - because of my new job I am forced into dealing with zillions of people, and so - I have to deal with men.
This is partially because of me. As younger, I was sickly and thin and shy and unkept and nobody ever noticed me. Men started noticing me just recently, just since 2006. Something happened in 2006 - Vision Quest - which forced me into dealing with men. Read my posts about that :) That story is SO hillarious that you cannot find a movie with a better plot.... Anyways, ever since then, I had to deal with men. Born Again "christian" was actually the first man I talked with and dealt with after many years, and it was good that he got me back into talking/dealing with men. But he was the only one I had to deal with since 2006. Now it is 2009 and I have to deal with many. One of the reasons is that they are finding me because I look really good after all the dancing and drumming, and also all the Inner Work and meditation causes something softer and calmer inside, so I am now quite perky and healthy and even nice, and it shows. It is attractive.

So, it is so hilarious because I am completely inexperienced and quickly learning the ropes, and there is such a line of people trying to catch me, yet nobody knows how. What is hillarious is that I am from a different planet so they have no clue how to catch me. Their tries in catching me and my reactions to their behavior are super funny. Sometimes I like them and it shows, sometimes I dislike them and it shows, sometimes I am neutral or scared, etc. Very often their reactions are completely strange to me. I do not hang out with people very much so typical social reactions are foreign to me. It is an amazing learning experience.

First, it completely amazes me that someone would like me even before me opening my mouth. How can they tell by the looks what I am? They cannot. So they get a wrong idea about me and then they are all gang ho while their fantasy is playing, but then we start talking and then I am not nearly as interesting as before. Wooo. If someone is serious, they will like me, the whole me, not just my okole, pardon my french.

Second, by observing their hunting strategies, I can see now how it all works. What they do is try to get you addicted to their attention. So they give you attention, you get used to it, and then you ask them for more. Different men have different strategies. Some are passive and just look at you from far away. Their strategy works for some women because they allow woman to imagine whatever she wants about them. He smiles across the room and looks at her. Then SHE comes over to him and thus the guy does not have to committ - she is chasing him. He is off the hook. These are actually very easy to ignore. If you don't do anything, they won't do anything, so - just wave to them across the room saying "hi! I notice you are far away! and I am going to stay here!" and nothing happens. You can wonder and fantasize about them across the room, but really you will never know them because they will never come close, so there is no danger of anything ever happening. Well - somewhat. I made a mistake with one of those types, I smiled back across the room, and it led to major trouble, because this kind of guy is passive-agressive and will take ravenge if you don't start floating across the room. See, this kind of hunter is used to women running across the room towards them. If you don't run into his arms, he will make sure to punish you, e.g. by showing you another woman who will run into his arms.

Then there are more zappy, action oriented guys who actively pursue you. They keep on poking you and hitting on you, in subtle and less subtle ways. They self advertise, they praise you, they ask you to do things with them which are actually legit and you cannot say no, etc. but they do it in a way that clearly shows where they are going, or they are even flat out honest and ask you out. They are the dangerous kind because their asking requires a response. You have to deal with them. To me, it feels like a perpetual martial arts fight - constantly dodging the bullets. Born Again "christian" was this kind and that's how I got in trouble - I never said no to him, so I kept on talking with him and it led to further complications. I learned that lesson. This kind of guy is dangerous because they can also take negative action against you. They have to be disposed of gently and safely.
And of course, there are cute guys who are scared of ME :) I can think of one, who is very shy and me adoring him is scaring him. But I have no plans. I guess that's what he doesn't see. I just think he is wonderful.

So, it is a hillarious hillarious "movie" that I live in. The good part is that it is forcing me to deal with single guys of my age who are even nice and attractive and indicated they like me, and are my peers and thus potential candidates. I cannot run away from them. I have to meet them often and talk with them and deal with them. That is quite a trial as far as I am concerned. My first response is to RUN.

So, in that running part is the hillarious part. There is this line, trying, and there is me, very cleverly avoiding it. One of them will find a way. Which one? that's a good question. I don't see that one yet.

None of the candidates are looking good. They can be classified into several categories:

1. unacceptable because they live on a different planet than mine (e.g. they are into drugs, clubs, women, etc.)

2. they do not even apply (i.e. hang out with me, ask me out, etc.) - e.g. the drug and the club guy do not even talk with me, knowing that they are not willing to give up their stuff so why bother wasting time with me - they are in the mode "just ocassionally look, don't approach, and if she goes bananas and starts chasing me, great." They are just basically living their lives and waiting for me to "go on sale". Well - only vultures want such a desperate case. These guys are vultures.

3. out of question, i.e. maybe acceptable but we will never find out. Some candidates did try to approach me in a very subtle way (because we meet for business so they could not hit too hard and too often) - but they don't qualify because they are business associates. So I can never get to know them too well - we are not going to hang out together, plus of course - if you work with someone, they are out of question, period.
What is scary about those is that sometimes they hit on me in public and other people notice. That makes me worried about my professional reputation. I am afraid that I do not hide too well when I know something. If I know someone has hit on me, it shows. I need to be a lot better actor.

4. clearly unsuitable - those who approach me and I know them rather well but they are clearly not suitable.

5. off the chart - those who are completely out of question, like someone else's husband or boyfriend, and of course, massage clients. The problem with Africans is that they are allowed many wives, so it doesn't bother them at all to chase around even if they are married. It is very very embarassing to have someone chase you while their wife is right there. USA is **not** Africa. Am not sure how those wives keep put those imported husbands here. I guess some are not put.

And finally, at my age, if someone has never been married, something is most likely very wrong with them.
Also, if they have been alone for too long, without a committed partner, something is most likely very wrong with them.

Then there are those who look like my exes. It is uncanny, right now there is a person with similar background and even the physical look of my last ex.

My mom offers my photos to anyone who comes her way, like the vet, etc. So she is hoping to find me a serbian husband. My African drum teacher has his relatives he wants to hook me up with. My brother says he checks the wedding rings on any suitable guy he meets. Everyone has a plan, and none of their plans are working.

Overall - this looks like a very bleak situation. I feel like I am in a black comedy, really. I am the main character in this parody which is just not going anywhere. It HAS TO FINALLY come to a conclusion. The right guy needs to show up.


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