Sunday, November 15, 2009

how to play a human instrument

The bad part about being noticeable is creeps.

One of those parties & girls' boys also noticed me, he was looking at my okole during dance, which is a nuisance. Today he came to lurk around my work place. But he never came close, just hang around close enough to be seen, but never so close to say hi. I went to restroom and by the time I came back, he was gone.

What a stupid strategy for courting. He does not even talk with me. How would he be able to have a relationship with me?? Only 13 yr olds meet by just looking at each other across a room. Mature people interact and talk.

Also, how does he even know that he wants ME? He never talks with me and doesn't even know me. He looks at my shaking my okole during dance, that's it. So, he wants my okole? It's a small dance class, so there are no super good dancers in there and also no "stars" who like to flirt with the audience, so I guess he is left looking at what is available.

If shaking okole is the only thing that he likes/knows about me, then -- what good is this person for? He is happy to see a shaking okole, but how many hours of the week is that. How about the rest of the hours? Especially those mundane, boring daily moments, and those moments that are difficult and demanding. How about taking the garbage out, washing dishes, rushing off to work, coming home tired, having a bad day, disagreeing about what to have for dinner and what to do with the money, and god forbid even more important things, like feeding babies at 2am and raising children.

This guy has no clue about relationships, about openly showing affection, about being giving, about being committed, about respect, responsibility, working things out, Inner Work, consideration, etc.

This kind of immature courting just leaves me with something in my throat, it just seems a waste of time and human life, and makes me worried and scared. Many years ago, this person told me I was old and ugly. I haven't gotten any younger since then. Did he run out of 20yr olds and is now desoletly chasing 45yr olds? And/or he is the kind that judges you based on how you shake your okole?
This is a man my age who behaves as if he were 15 at most, and hangs out with 20yr olds, goes regularly to Burning Man festivals, etc. Very creepy.
His courting also includes trying to make me jelous in public by flirting with other women (shall I say: young girls half my age), etc. He stares at my butt, when I don't respond (who sane would?) then he immediatelly goes to find refuge in another skirt and makes sure everyone notices. Yuck.
He gives me creeps and makes me feel bad. Best to avoid such trash.

I feel drained even thinking about it. This is one of those examples of people who don't qualify because they are like vultures, waiting for you to slip and drop into their lap. Even thinking about it is exausting. Why waste time analyzing someone's stupidity.

Either a guy likes you and wants to spend time with you, in which case you interact and make decisions based on that, or he doesn't, in which case you competely forget him.


On the opposite side of the spectrum, a mature man who is nice and courteous towards me and openly shows affection is like a breath of fresh air, like warm sunschine, so healing and positive. This kind of courting is like medicine. I met one recently, he acknowledged me and respected me. He even passed the test of difficult situation, i.e. he stayed kind through something difficult we worked together on. His treatment is kind, so warm, and produces a positive kind of reaction, where I can be kind and courteous to him, and then the cycle feeds infinitely into the positive side and leads into healing. That's a real man. He treats me well and from that I blossom.
This is a business associate, so he is protected by law :) That is hillarious, someone nice shows up and they are off limits. Oh well. In any case, I got a good male friend whom I respect and vice versa.
Old Rat Born Again was many times like this, and that's why I was hanging out with a him - it is very healing to have such a relationship with a man, where we both Work on ourselves and work things out and grow stronger and better through our interaction. It worked somewhat all right (well - somewhat because all Inner Work was initiated by me, so definitely he wasn't quite ready) until we reached the point of his religion. Then - ....


What I concluded is that I am like an instrument, and only someone who knows how to play well should play. Then beautiful music comes out of me.

If someone who has no clue grabs this instrument, like that immature 40yr old teenager or the Old Rat Born Again Mario, then they just wreck the whole thing, they beat on it, they pull parts off, they make the instrument screech and disintegrate. It's like mauling a guitar or a violin or ukulele - it sounds awful. Or playing the drum in a muddy way.

I need someone who can play me well, treat me well, and get all the beautiful tones out of me.

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