Thursday, November 5, 2009
Needs of a human heart
I have that need, it is a very deep and profound need, like need for food or air. If I am not showing my love in service, I feel odd. I feel like my life is bland and missing something. I love catering to my cat, I love catering to my students, friends, family. I love to love, to shower everyone and everything with attention and kindness and help and good wishes. I love to see things grow, get better. It is like a huge celebration of God, in everything that is around, in everything we do. If I cannot serve and love, my life has no meaning.
Being closed down and isolated is normal to a fake person like this "born again christian". He could never give his attention to anything but his own butt. He couldn't spend a minute petting a cat or admiring the Ocean, not to mention other people. The only way he could relate to anything was from the point of view: HOW CAN I GET BENEFIT OUT OF THIS FOR MYSELF. So if he saw the benefit for himself, then he kissed ass, just as much as was enough to "get it" for himself. As soon as he "got" what he wanted, there was no more need to be nice nor to pay attention. The only thing he was concerned about was himself and where he stood as far as favors from 'god' and also prestige and ranking in the eyes of other people.
This completely selfish, self centered, antagonistic attitude completely ruined him - his face was so wrinkled because of his thoughts and emotional state. When he was hanging out with me, the wrinkles started disappearing, because his inner state was peaceful and more open and loving. He was finally sharing - respect, kindness, consideration.
I noticed on me the effects of him on me - hanging out with him produced wrinkles and gray hairs in me, because it was so stressful for me. According to his religion, I wasn't a child of God, and that's how he treated me (and everyone else). Being on the receiving end of that kind of belief system is like drinking poison - it just makes you sick.
I noticed in me that his influence was majorly negative and that I needed to work hard to forgive myself for allowing myself to come close to something so detrimental. This person was run by evil, and doing evil things. Not intentionally, but nonetheless, the net effect was completely negative. Out of "best efforts" to save his own ass, he signed a pact with the devil and sold his soul for a little bit of fake protection and fake promises. Then he killed anything in his way. Including me.
So, noticing how bad it was for me to be in touch with someone like that, I connected the dots and realized how bad it is for the planet and everything in the Universe to have such weirdos walkingn around and just taking taking taking. They destroy everything they come in contact with. They just TAKE. They never give anything back.
This person will never give it up. Because, it is too ingrained in them, this fear. And this addiction to comfort and self centerdness. It has been practiced for a very long time. The person becomes a mere shell of a human being, something empty, fragile and weak, that is run by something external and rather evil, that makes decisions on behalf of the human zombie. The zombie blindly follows. There is nothing that the zombie has that is genuinely his or hers.
Do you know what the scary part is? Majority of humanity is like this. ASLEEP. Some are worse than others. This breed of religous dogma is plain evil because it propagates hatred and discrimination.
Being in touch with anything like that is very detrimental. It makes you feel bad. A person like that can only hurt you, take away as much they can, deplete you, walk all over you, because they do not know any respect, appreciation, kindness. Dealing with someone like that feels like allowing oneself to be robbed and raped. It is a very humiliating, demeaning experience, and it only causes problems. That's why the whole earth is messed up - because of people like that.
The most difficult part is forgiving myself for letting something so nasty come closer to me. It was my fault. However, a lesson always needs to be learned: learn the lesson and move on.
This is what Cealo has to say about that:
if you have been kind enough to yourself
for last 4 weeks…
if you didn’t blame yourself…
if you didn’t hate yourself…
If you wish you to be who you want to be tomorrow,
be immersed in the vibration of tenderness and
compassionate love during the meditation.
Heal yourself first.
You can begin your meditation from
healing yourself before wishing for other things.
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