Monday, November 16, 2009

self observation

Lately, it is easier to observe myself, as if I were observing a movie. At the same time, I am the character from the movie and I experience everything that is happening. So, it is like having split attention. That's Inner Work. Something is engaged at the physical level - this part reacts, identifies, etc., and something Higher Observes everything neutrally and objectively in the moment.

I saw many things in this movie. I experienced myself as being a really possessive, intense girlfriend - did he leave me a message? Checking like every 15 mins and feeling very agitated and angry if he didn't. Definitely, pitta behavior, if you know auyrvedic medicine. Pushy, hot, intense, demanding, cruel, territorial.

Wanting attention and to be noticed. After someone at work looked at me with a certain dreamy look, I felt very alarmed. I realized it is not fair to receive attention from people who I work with, because they did NOT choose to be with me, they are stuck with me so I better be considerate and leave them alone.

Feeling upset and sad about the clickish nature of the African dance community - they are a tight circle and also it is either become one of them OR stay out; there is no middle. They cannot just dance with anyone. I don't want to be their friend, and I don't want to be an outsider. I just want to dance with them. That should be ok.

Feeling sad, feeling rejected, feeling angry, feeling - all kinds of feelings. Observing others and my reactions to them and their reactions to me. Somehow everything has SLOWED DOWN and it is easier to watch this movie of my life.

I guess this is happening because I made a Decision to get married soon. First, to find a date for that dance party next week and to have a good time. I am working on it.

So, when such a big Decision is made, something happens, and God shows you where you need to improve to make your dreams come true.


Today I gave G books to someone and their friend found them and liked them. What a coincidence....

There are never any coincidences. I feel like my job is just to show up and do my work. Everything is arranged for me. To the last detail.

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