Saturday, November 14, 2009

you know what happens when you make a decision?

You know what happens when you make a decision? Suddenly things start moving in that direction. Everything old and junkey gets cleaned up and new things appear and life moves on in a positive direction.
Then old ghosts from the past start creeping up from inside you, and you lose the momentum. Then it is very important to keep the aim steady and keep on going for it.

Case study: so, once I made a decision that I was going to find a husband, asap (there is someone out there who is "meant to be" but I don't know who it is. It is like looking at a wast sea and trying to distinguish which wave is your wave. They all look like they could be it, but how do you know? If there was some elders around to help me, that would be nice. I am alone and left to my own devices in picking the husband for me. It is a very very difficult thing, to make decisions like that, without any support from more experienced and more objective and wiser older people. Luckily, I do have some elders that I can ask for advice and introduce candidates to.)

Well, once I made a decision that I won't waste a single second anymore on the candidates that are clearly wrong, like Old Rat Born Again Ignorant Mario, or the local party boy, or some other guys who are definitely neither putting any effort in nor are suitable in terms of their lifestyles - since they are not moving on it, I can ignore them. So far, I was ingoring them, but always wondering what they are up to. I don't have to be wondering anymore. They are not up to anything. They are just looking at me from afar, like vultures, hoping I'd make a wrong step and fall into their lap. So, forget them - they are just wasting my energy. I need to pay attention to the real serious candidates who are putting in effort, who clearly demonstrate they like me and want to be around me and ask me to spend time with them, do things together, etc. If I nurture those kind of connections with real, serious men, if I become more friends with such people, I will get to know someone well enough to be able to make the next step and fall in love and live happily ever after. Someone will be very lucky and very happy to get me, and vice versa. I need to pay attention and find the guy.

Well, as soon as I made that decision to stop reacting to the shady characters from the past and the present, and to move on and with bright eyes look at serious, real guys and pick one for marriage -

you know what happens?
First, the shady characters lose any power. They are gone. They don't matter anymore. I don't notice them, because I am busy living my life.
Second, I am having fun. Suddenly my life is a lot better, higher quality. The cobwebs are gone. Third, what is amazing, is that suddenly I am NOT thinking about who to marry anymore, I am just enjoying my life, fearlessly talking and interacting with everyone, including nice single guys. The effects are numerous:
professionally, I advance and people take me more seriously.
Personally, everyone notices me.
Romantically, suddenly men notice me as a woman, and start making nice comments about it.
(Even the unsuitable guys who so far never put a single effort to actually talk to me are trying to talk with me. ) Perhaps I look more approachable, or they smell something, I don't know. Men are like dogs - they somehow smell when a woman is looking for a mate, and they answer that call. They are excellent mirrors - based on how men treat you, you can tell how you are doing.

In my case, I had a "ban on men". I am not sure how to deal with them, so I avoid them. I can deal with them in the business context where I am safe and the rules are clear. Dealing with them in social context esp when romantic overtones are involved - was the most difficult thing for me and I avoided it at all costs. And I am very very good at hiding and running away and pushing people away. For a guy to talk with me, is next to impossible. First, finding me is practically impossible, and second, talking with me in social context is practically impossible.

The decision I made a few days ago was to stop running away from this problem and to face it.

It is as if I was hidden behind something, and now that something is gone, and people can actually SEE me. So they notice I am nice, and they say it. And what is amazing is that I do not ask for it nor depend on it. I am not dressing nor behaving in a way that would attract attention. I am just the same old me, but a lot more alive and confident inside.

It is nice to be acknowledged, but I am living my life for me, and also to serve others.

I was at a high-middle school event on Friday, with zillions of kids, and it was such a pleasure and privilege to deal with them. I love kids. There is something about them that is deeply touching, and I am honored whenever I deal with children, it is so wonderful to serve them.

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