Friday, July 31, 2009

Magic stars over the lake

Actually, when I was in California, it was promised to me. I was camping by a lake surrounded by tall pines and cedars and shrub oak and other dry high altitude plants.

I prayed to be free from all the hellish things that I have experienced and survived in my childhood and the past. It was truly awful although it had many gifts. It has been difficult until very recently.

The whole lake with the trees and the stars and bull frogs and red winged blackbirds occasionally waking up and screaching, and screach owls screaching, and deer rummaging in the dark, and all other little noises of the woods at night, with the millions of stars and a very very big star and trees mirrored in the lake, with the moon over it. It was completely magical, and looked and felt like a huge big cathedral. I prayed. I prayed like my life depended on it. And it did. I felt completely alone and completely surrounded by all kinds of Beings and Something on the edge of that lake in the wilderness, deep in the mountains.

Answer came very quickly. I thanked them.


enlightment in Wallmart

I ate before the drum class in Honolulu, which is great (and unusual - usually I am hungry and rushing home). This time I was fine so I went shopping on the way home. There are so many little thing I need but never have time - translated: I never have desire - to shop. I dislike shopping and stores and all that hoola boola. It is tiring and noisy and stressful.
Shopping is unavoidable at some point, unfortunately. My water filter started blinking red and needed to be replaced.

Some things I need to keep my life organized, some things I need to keep things working, some things break and need to be replaced, some things I need for convenience. Like, I need to replace water filter because it is more than 2 months already, a nut for the massage table because the old nut fell out, a calendar for the next academic year, bathroom and work room bulbs burned so I needed bulbs (and one had to be a special small bulb), my old tarp completely fell apart, it would be nice to have a covering for my closet because it doesn't have a door and all clothes are exposed, ....

So a lot of shopping items have been on the agenda for a long time but I never get organized to actually shop for them, and/or I do look for them but never find it. I am a master shopper and I always look for deals. My clothes collection is admirable - for very little money. So I always look for items, like glass containers with lids, 2$ tops for dancing, etc. If I find it, fine, if not, life goes on. Like a small iron skillet - I have been looking for one for years now and somehow always miss it. So I am stuck scrubbing enamel pots which are completely not designed for making scrambled eggs. Then I have dirty burned dishes in my sink... And keep on looking for an iron skilled without luck. This is an island, when a shipment comes, it sells out... and a new shipment comes who knows when. I shop so seldom so I always somehow miss the shipment. Some things I kinda give up - like the door covering. It was just a big job, I tried so many things and it never worked so I stopped looking for a solution. I just wasn't inspired.

But on Wednesday, I was feeling happy and rested, and ready to tackle some organizing. It didn't matter that I was dressed in a bathing suit top and a sarong, because that's what I wear around. It didn't occur to me that it was something unusual. I didn't plan to go shopping. It just fell like it after the class. And I know why - I was just full of life and full of energy and I didn't want to go to an empty house. Plus, I HAD TO get that water filter and the only way is to buy it in Honolulu, so shopping was unavoidable at some point. So, at about 8pm, I set off.

First I stopped at Office Max, no CD holder, no filters, but I got a calendar and a notebook for the class next week.
Then I stopped at Wallmart to get a CD holder and filter. No CD holder. But: I found small iron skillet; a brown cheap tarp; natural light bulbs; refills for my mop; some really cool music CDs which I actually don't need :) but bought anyways :) I found the CDs as I was trying if the plastic boxes can hold the CDs.

It was late already. The store was getting empty and clerks were filling the shelves. Everyone was looking at my sarong. Most workers were locals and it was very amazing to see me with a sarong on the buying side, and them, the same kind, on the cheap labor side. Some men made comments at me. Teenagers looked me over. I just ran from them. And I kept on looking around the store for the items I needed, because I know I will be back at that store many months from now (the last time I shopped was in January!), so better use the chance.

I looked at my basket, and it had the ordinary life items. I looked at the people around me. I looked at the items for sale, very complicated things that make life a lot complicated. I didn't need any of that. I needed an iron skillet, some light bulbs, a bucket, mop refill, etc. Simple things.

Somehow something CLICKED in my head and the picture emerged - how my life is. My life is simple. What was in my basket was simple. I was quite free of all that stuff in the store (well not totally free yet but definitely quite cured from what I used to be, a shopper trying everything new).
My life now is simple. I actually have the time to live my life! All the items in my basket were simple essentials. They showed a functional simple life. All the drama and disfunctionality of my childhood was gone. I was free, naked, living, NOW.

I don't know what happened when I looked at the items in my basket except that somehow I got a message: THIS IS MY LIFE. I AM LIVING MY LIFE. Somehow something happened where it became crystal clear to me that I was living my life and that that was it. That I was caring for myself, that I was living, and that the juice was on. This was my life and I was living it. And there was self care, there was simplicity, there was time, and there was also need to get married and have a family. I was ready.

It is very very difficult to put into the words what I received. Somehow it made me really appreciate my life and realize that I was already taking care of me and needed to take even better care of me. It hit me that I needed to move my bed into a different direction. That I needed to put that closet door covering and make my bedroom into something nicer and more liveable and suitable. That I needed to work a little harder on finding a life partner and husband.

So I bought some curtains for the closet door. I bought several and got ready to return what doesn't fit.

I then went into clothes, and looked for massage outfits, and didn't find anything. By that time, I had a feeling that I was pushing it and needed to quit asap. Rightfully so - it was already 2:30am :) and I already have tons of clothing. So I paid and left.

As soon as I got home, I changed the bed and tried the curtains.

A very subtle and profound healing, right there in the mid of Wallmart. You never know!!!! God catches us when we least expect it. A GOd can send a teaching via a Wallmart basket. Wow. Tricky clever mischiefy God he is.

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healing music

Listening to some classical music pieces labeled "easy Sunday music" or "quiet times with piano" with some famous "easy listening" tones from famous classical composers, it is rather ... draining! Quite draining.

I needed to escape that, it felt bad. Classical music has something in it that is not quite right. I know, I am saying a blashphemy, but that is what it feels like to me. Somehow the music was pulling me too much into my intellect and emotions, and that didn't feel good at all. I noticed that it was helping me focus on the "book stuff" on studying I was doing, at the expense of somehow erasing my total being out of the picture. I cannot explain it better than to say that somehow it was engaging only my mind and my lower emotions. I need to investigate this some more. It seems like this enables the Western civilization to keep on going into intellectual pursuits only, and then it makes them rebel and get into the opposite of totally out-of-mind wild rock-n-roll.

Listening to Native American flutes was a lot more satisfying. It somehow brought me to the present moment and made me Present as a whole. And it was possible to do intellectual work with it.

African music makes me feel comfortable and relaxed and quietly happy. It is good for daily living. It is hard to do intellectual work with it.

But then African music wasn't enough when it was time for higher spiritual pursuits and contemplation. Then African feels bad and Tibetan chants feel good.

Fascinating. Each of these musics "sets the tone" for how people ARE. Each one of those cultures has certain habits and practices and music just enforced them, locks them into it and vice versa.


Eastern European massage

There are some excellent Eastern European therapists and medical massage specialists, like Vladimir Janda and Karel Lewitt from former Checkoslovakia, Oleg B. from former Soviet Union. Those countries had top-level athletes that won Olympic medals, and also they had no money for drugs, machines, and other expensive and ineffective procedures that the West has. So - they used hands. CHEAP AND EFFECTIVE.

One of the Russians recommends starting massage session with client facing up. Also, he recommends kneading.

My letter to him:
My background is shiatsu, and in shiatsu, session starts from the front, and it is important to vary. So, your info coincides with theirs, and theirs is very tested and ancient.

In Hawaiian lomi lomi massage, or in Japanese shiatsu, or in Thai massage, there is no kneading yet it is very effective. Western sweedish massage is a complete killer on the hands. Most massage therapists quit after 3 years. So I am curious to see what you have to say.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A/C is barbaric; and nuff dogs

Friday, July 24, 2009

political science

Vote for best science cartoons.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

math, science, computers

I am trying to learn some math and computers right now - that's a long story why - and my brain is hurting from that information. It just doesn't make sense.

That's why people don't like to study it. The more alive you are, the less you can do something like that. It has no meaning. It has no feeling, nothing Higher in it. It is just a bunch of numbers and words that are completely senseless.

It is just using my head and nothing else. The rest of me is simply Hurting from being ignored.

True Math and Science is something completely different.

the politics of marihuana: what is the way to live a functional life

An African musician told me that drums are for the spirit but in daily life. The conversation started by me asking him why some African drummers smoke pot. I explained I was very surprised they needed that. Drums are sacred to me and require a certain level of awareness and Higher. And pot certainly doesn't jibe with that. Our 2 djelis in Hawaii are completely clean. Well!!!! This African yelled at me for about 5 minutes, something along the lines: what's wrong with pot? Drums are for village life, so whatever makes people happy is ok. As long as they show up and do their job, it's ok. How dare I judge them!!! Have I tried pot myself? The elders in the village that teach drums etc also drink and smoke in front of everyone and it's ok. Why don't I research it before I judge anyone!!!!
I just stood there not answering a thing, it was clearly not a good time to talk with him, he was REALLY upset, emotionally stirred and totally off the hook. That is unusual for Africans to relate like that to someone they barely know. Finally I said that talking with him was my research and we parted. I never tried to finish this conversation later. I needed time to think about what he said, spoke with others, esp those who went to Africa, etc.

I didn't say that I have sat in Native American and Amazon ceremonies with peyote and hm... atamasca? I forgot the name of it. I did several of those ceremonies with one of the head shamans from Amazon region. All night long you sit in a circle and drink that and chant and speak. So I know the effect of it - it is kinda similar to early stages of meditation, the mind slows down and thoughts become more evident, it is easier to See oneself.
HOWEVER, that is a crutch, on so many different levels. First, we cannot take those medicinals all the time and we need to be in Touch with God all times. So we need to get to God on our own, with our own clear mind.
The ONLY way to God is meditation and prayer, EVERY SINGLE DAY. And, it produces a lot more lasting results, permanent inner transformation and inner peace, and eventually experiences that nothing else can give you. For example, I have gone into some deep spaces and have had miracles happen to me, in regular plain old meditation.
So, taking some herb and avoiding the real Inner Work and daily sitting in meditation is definitely trying the easy way out. It just won't work.

Also, I sat in sacred and supervised community ceremonies to take those herbs, and the intent was healing. The head shaman told sacred stories, we chanted for each other and spoke for each other, and people were supposed to dig deep and try to make peace with each other and honor each other in their speeches and their musings.
A pot smoker is on their own, and that is definitely leading to bad stuff. It is an addiction.

A lot of pot smokers tell me that they are not stoned, they are just "airy" (I think that's the term they used) where they feel hightened awareness etc. I am a trained healer and tracker and medicine person and I can tell that their awareness is completely highjacked by something else that has them in its clutches. They are a complete slave to that substance. The smell of pot itself has a feeling of something really seductive that sucks the life out of you, something creepy evil disguised as promising indulgent temptation. It promises fun and pleasure and then highjacks you.

Also, I don't see any evidence that pot "makes people happy". It might make them check out into some delusional space for a while, but it does not solve any problems, it does not lead to any personal transformation. I have never seen a single happy pot smoker. They are all grumpy and they all have issues with commitment, responsibility, sharing, etc. Every single pot smoker I met was immature.

To me, it is rather disappointing to see anyone, and especially such wonderful great musicians having to resort to pot to feel good!!!!! Why they would need that besides their wonderful music and all of us needing them to teach is, is beyond me. It is sad to see it!!!!!

For example, a good teacher and musician with such kind and beautiful gentle eyes, so he must be a very sensitive good person. When he smoked pot, it was so sad to see him completely gone out of himself and completely dumb and unconscious. I came to briefly thank him for his class and it was like talking to someone dead.
Another one reeked of pot smell (it comes out in sweat) so bad that I could not stand next to him and told him that he stunk.

Our two djelis in Hawaii are completely clean, they don't even drink or smoke cigarettes. They take djembe so seriously, they wouldn't even allow anyone to take photos of them with drums when they have sunglasses on, etc. The drums is completely sacred and to be taken very seriously to them. I thought the others are like that too. Seeing them as not was an unpleasant surprise. Their music would be so much better if they could be completely present.


Honestly, it is rather disturbing that people are escaping to such quick solutions so easily. What is wrong with our society, with people, with our food, with our environment, with our relations, when people resort to drugs just to be able to pull it through the day? Are we weak and cannot stand the emotional requirements of life on Earth, are we malnourished and trying to somehow medicate ourselves, is our society failing to provide something that we need,.....

Most of surfers around here are like that too, pot smokers and drinkers, leading a functional life 9-5 and then checking out with booze and smoke. Studying them, they want fun without any responsibilities, cannot relate, are always complaining of something, are healthy and just looking for something "easy." Typically, they are raised in disfunctional families where one parent is absent, often under something chemical and the other one takes good care of them. None of them are capable of emotionally relating and being close to another human being. Maybe a dog.

Pot users spend at least 400$ on pot every month. They don't want to pay me for a massage. They are saving to buy pot. That stinks, doesn't it. Not only do they spend money on something that kills them, they also don't spend money on things that are good for them. So a pot grower can make a good living because they sell evil fantasies and delusions, and a farmer, health practitioner, yoga teacher, any teacher, anyone who sells Real stuff cannot. That is twisted. Humanity (meaning: all human beings and their societies and doings) has it twisted. Completely backwards.



Tuesday, July 21, 2009

being a true Christian

I lived in a village for a week. In some ways that was great, because I like people, and in other ways, that was a trial for me, since I do not hang around a lot of people too much. I like my healing work because it allows me to hang out with people in a very deep way and that is what I prefer. It was extremely educational to find out WHY I don't like to hang around people all the time. They are asleep!!!! It is very amazing. Finally a lot of things from my past are making sense. First, most humans are either not very intelligent and/or really bogged down with something heavy and thus don't ask questions - they just follow whatever is given to them, and second, most are truly asleep and do not even wish to up. They are happy being asleep. It is totally and exactly like the movie Matrix.

One advantage of living in a village was for me to see myself more clearly. My intent and desire is to connect with God.

I want God. I have never seen so clearly that. I am somehow different. I don't know what made it, for me to have that inherent desire AND to find real and true Sources of Wisdom AND to have a lifestyle that allows me to Search. I am very lucky. I have all the chances to actually reach God.

Am I using my chances is another question, to be answered during the next Vision Quest.


Some people get sidetracked, like the Born Again Shit. He wants to be a Christian, but he is just a cheap fake imitation that has absolutely nothing to do with the real thing, doesn't even look like the real thing. It just has a label "christian" like someone would stick a label "gold" on a piece of dung. It is quite apparent that the two are completely unrelated.

It is amazing that he and many other "christians" cannot even detect that there is absolutely nothing in common between dung and gold. The dung doesn't look, smell, feel like gold WHATSOEVER. It is amazing that the dung doesn't smell repulsive to them, but they worship it as something valuable. Amazing!!!!! The only thing I can say is that such people are probably not very intelligent and thus never connect the dots, and also that they must have been severely damaged in childhood and cannot tell what is right and what is wrong, and will accept any lies in order to belong somewhere. The only good thing left in them is the desire to reach God, but that desire is there for wrong reasons: to be able to avoid "penalties" and to make sure to get into the privileged club called "paradise." There is no Love for God in any of that. There is just fear to save one's ass.

This wannabe "christian" is just Born Again Shit instead of a true practicing Christian. There is no way to become a Christian by following a dogma like Born Again hell. Born Again dogma takes you exactly in the opposite direction from Christianity. True Christianity is to be found somewhere else.

One has to have enough Something developed in them to actually find that 'somewhere else'. One has to have some integrity, some sense of justice and honor, some sense of kindness and Love, in order to find true teachings. Some sense of something Noble and Honorable, wishing to be in the Service of Great Mystery, and willing to stand up for it.

Seems like some people found it under the auspices of the organized "christian" religion, like St. Theresa of Avilla or Hildegard Van Bingen, etc, but - they are more of exception rather than norm, and also they themselves are often very critical of their church.

Buddhists seem a lot more "sane" than any other organized religion, because they have SPIRITUAL PRACTICE. Willy nilly, meditating changes a person. Christians have nothing but talking and that is very delusional.



Storytelling is important. Telling fairy tales, fables, and other such "kid-like" stories is a way to Wisdom. Everyone understands a story on the level they are at. Some people will get nothing out of it. Some will get out a lot. To understand a story, we must ponder about it, contemplate, chew on it, try it in our lives.

I complained to an African that Camp Faretta has no storytelling. It has history telling, which is very different. The African told me that storytelling is just for kids. Oh no, it is for everyone. Jesus taught by telling stories. Buddha too.

In the Congo camp, Chrysogone told a story about a woman who ate too much. She had a baby, and her husband went hunting to bring her good food, so that the baby could have good milk. Well, she ate it too soon and then he had to hunt more, and his trips took him further and further away, but she always ate too fast and was hungry while the husband was gone hunting. Finally she stole food from a monster's stash and thus the monster took the baby. (Eventually the baby gets found under a drum by a magic drummer.)

When I told this story to a perfectly normal looking woman in her 30s, a woman who seemed smart and caring, she said: Oh I am so glad there was no storytelling because this story is so sad!

I was just dumbfounded. Is it possible that a human being can be that asleep?

Apparently, majority of humanity really does NOT care about anything higher in life. That is completely dumbfounding to me.



Camp Farreta is awesome

Camp Farreta is an amazing combo of musicians, they are the best in the world indeed. And they don't pretend to be anything else, which is great too.

For next year, I need to study a lot more in order to come prepared knowing the steps and rhythms. I really would like to be able to just play and dance, so - study! :) :) :)

The camp is for serious learning as well as for fun and workout. Our local dance teachers do not teach to that level of depth and aerobic activity. I will have to hit DVDs etc. The trip to Africa would be the best but Camp Farreta is the next best (and cheaper) thing. I used up my savings to get to camp, it was that important for me to study with Youssouff Koumbassa, he really is a great artist and teacher, and I am happy I did.

It is a blessing that the camp runs.

For the future, it would be nice to see some more of traditional African culture, like storytelling. Congo camp has a fabulous storyteller, Chrysogon Dyangoya. His stories about the woman who ate too much and made her husband hunt too much, the man who minded someone else's business, about animals and imitating them, etc are just so much fun and so educational. He acts the characters, dances, sings, engages the audience, he makes us think and laugh. Everyone takes from stories what they can digest at the moment. Some people cannot even remember them later :) I remember every detail and ponder it afterwards. In my Native American training, we told our dreams and stories and we went around the circle providing our comments. It is a very important way to Teach and Connect.

Telling history (like djelis do) is not the same as telling stories, like fairy tales and fables and such. Even some Africans say such stories are for kids. No, they are not. They are for teaching wisdom. Spiritual teachers tell stories. For example, Jesus taught with parables. Buddha too. Seems like djelis are not trained in that, but only in factual history, which also has its own value.
Perhaps Guinea lost storytelling because Muslim religion does not let them keep that part of their tradition.

Also, when I mentioned to an African musician that drums are for spiritual activity, he said that they are not, they are just for village life. No, they are not only for that. They are for way beyond that. Some other (white) people said that drums are for "magic" and religious ceremonies like woodoo, but again - they are definitely not meant for being abused in such hokus pokus. People don't understand what "spiritual" is. They think it is religion or magic tricks. No it's not. Spiritual means Inner Transformation into being someone who embodies the Higher Principles of Loving Kindness and Compassion and Awareness of God. It is totally not about any magic tricks and hokus pokus. Magic tricks is in the realm of shaman, and shamans are on the human side of the wall of grief, so they are susceptible to all the folies and negativities of ordinary human beings, and thus can be dangerous, like kids with guns. What I am talking about is true Spiritual, which is in the realm of saints, who are close to God and beyond human fallacies of negative emotions and grief, and thus immune to wrongdoings and traps of ego.

The drums and that music carries in it some information for repaterning human .... being, brain, call it whatever you want. For Inner Transformation leading to enlightment. African music helps to reach those higher states of brain and being. We get the benefit of that when we play it just for village life because we feel the Joy of Connecting with the Spirit. There is a lot more Awareness that can be reached. Stories like fairy tales, fables, etc are another way to activate and engage those higher places. Drums open us up to Higher Realities and we are more calm, more centered, more clear with ourselves. I think the medicine men of the village know that, they designed the music for that purpose, and most people don't really care to know that and that's ok, they do not need to be bothered if they don't want to Know. They get the benefit by just enjoying the music. So that's why it is important to preserve the music as it is, designed by some Higher Beings who understood the effect of that music on human being.

In Camp Faretta, my absolutely favorite dancers are Youssouf Koumbassa from Guinea, who is a grand master of complete grace and flowing like water, and Djeneba Sako from Mali, who is an amazing, soft, strong female dancer and amazing singer and a wonderful fun person. I also love how Aziz dances and teaches, but sabar is not my kind of dance. Moustafa Bangoura is also very good, but not my favorite style. All other teachers are great dancers and teachers too.

As for drummers, they are all great in their own way. I liked Fode's sound, it has melody. He is ready to teach only the most advanced classes though :) so I will have to work to catch up to that.

In Congo camp, Crysogone is a fabulous dancer, one of my favorites with Djeneba and Yousouff, and embodies the Congo spirit. Hyacinte Massamba is a fabulous Congo drummer. They both perform in Congo camp and live in Paris.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

being a tourist

Today at the farmer's market there was lots of "tourists." They didn't buy any food or much of anything, they just walked around not even looking at you. Like we are dolls in the windows of a shopping mall.

People used to commercial stuff and not much anything real.

The guy next to me is a surf photographer who actually took the photos he was selling. Each photo came with a story - as he was chatting with the people looking at his photos, he was telling about it, and it was the BEST shop talk ever.
I don't think that these "tourists" even noticed or understood that.

The tourists were local people but also a lot of actual tourists. It is kinda easy to tell who doesn't live in Hawaii - they do have that "shopping mall" look and walk, they are bored and need to be entertained, they are nervous, they are in a hurry, they drive fast. That's why HI cars have stickers "slow down, this ain't the mainland". For someone from a fast big city like LA, HI is sloooooooooooooow.

Attention getting: continuing....

So on Friday I experienced being able to trust the drummers enough to actually relax, be in the "spirit" mode and even collaborate with them.

On Saturday, I wasn't feeling like going to town. There was that sinking feeling - which is always a sign of resistance because something deeper is at work.

I went. While dancing, I realized that I was dancing with other women, yes, but actually quite by myself. I definitely ignored the drummers.

Most asleep women are dependent on male attention and try to be "nice" and get some attention. In dance, a lot of dancers show off in front of male drummers. The drummers often are into chasing the hottest chick. I must confess that I look down upon that. First, I dislike ass kissing in principle. Second, women vying for male attention is quite cheesy and humiliating, and also brings women down and allows men to pretend they rule the roost.

Attention is a resource. Some people are willing to compromise their own integrity in order to get the "resource". Some other people, like me, say to hell with your games, I am not playing with you.

The attitude I saw in me yesterday was exactly that: I do not need any men, and I don't care for them.

So, two extremes, both which boil down to the same thing - an unhealthy sense of self and others, leading to situations where everyone gets stuck and hurt. The women who like to flirt are trying to "bait" males with a little bit of female attention and sexual tease in order to get a lot more attention from males. A male on a flirt bait will be like a puppy begging for a bone and willing to do any trick to get it, i.e. he will be nice, he will be suuper nice, he will give you LOTS of attention. As long as the "promise" is there. When it is not - he is gone. Women (and men) who are very good at getting attention through flirting are masters of keeping others interested "just enough" and for a long time, dangling the carrot with just enough hopes or payoff so that it is worth still trying to put a lot of attention to get the carrot.
What I was doing is also not ok, it is like being at war and dissing others. My attitude is: who cares about you, you are worthless and I don't need you. Get out of my way.

The healthy sense of self is being comfortable, not needed anything from or against anyone, relating to others in a gender neutral way and based on spirit. Then if the hormones strike sometimes, it is ok to feel it and express it, but it is not for getting attention or for taking attention.

The drummers were putting a lot of effort to drum well yesterday and I didn't pay any attention to them, as if they weren't there, as if they were a tape player playing a tape, something which is not alive, has no feelings, does not need any attention, you just push a button and let it do its job and take it for granted.
Especially in dancing - I don't want anyone admiring my shaking booty. African dance is really not about that, however - there is always a little element of that in anything we do, esp. if we actually DO shake our booty. And, many dancers do make it into that, because they like male attention (or female, if the dancer is male).

It was a lot easier to relate to fellow drummers later in the drum circle, as a drummer. When we drum together, everything becomes gender neutral to me, the music is the only thing that matters.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

one higher thought is more powerful than all others

A Course in Miracles says, if I remember correctly, that one Higher thought is more powerful than all others.

I had that experience today. I woke up and while still laying in bed, enjoyed birds, etc. Then my mind wanted to start thinking the usual crap - it likes to rant and rave in a very angry, upset way, complain, etc.

But something else in me said: oh well, cut it. The day is so nice. I am happy. I want to think about God.

Then I thought about God. I cannot remember now what specifically I was thinking. There was something that I was sincerely trying to ponder, something very specific about God.

I could feel how my head lit up. Like there was light inside it. It became huge and lit up. My whole body became huge and lit up, and I was totally blissed out.

So - there you go. ONE THOUGHT. Just ONE THOUGHT.


women are maybe more evolved...

I realized that I was irritating some males because I was disagreeing with them. I remembered my client who told me that "men don't like to be told what to do."

Heck, women too don't like being told what to do. Who says that women have smaller egos???

What women have is more control of themselves, and even a more genuine inclination to consider someone else's opinion. In short, women have been trained more along the enlightment path.

What my client said actually means: males are more immature and have a lot less control in showing their temper tantrums, likes and dislikes.

Everyone physical on Earth is asleep. Some people very deeply, some less, and some Jesuses and Buddhas -likes are quite awake, thank you. Jesus and Buddha were probably awake 100% or very close - my educated guess. There is no way to find out while here though :)

Anyways, we all have illusions and delusions, and our minds are SO GOOD at fabricating excuses. It is pretty amazing! Lately I have been listening to a lot of minds fabricating wiseacring and justifying all kinds of things in a very slippery manner. It is AMAZING.

Today I talked with someone who smokes pot, and considers it an "herb" that helps to "set you free" and "be aware", when you are not stoned, but just "airy" (or whatever other word it was) with it.

First, if someone needs ANYTHING to be "free" then they are not free, by definition. They depend on that something. Dependence on anything external is not being free.

We need to go to God naked, no cruches, no props, nothing external, just what is inside us.



English is easy?

You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people,
Not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word
That perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
Hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

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I spoke with a Self Realization Fellowship nun when I was getting rid of Born Ignorant Hell, and I told her that I really needed to get married. I will never forget the puzzled silence on her side. She certainly didn't think that a man was necessary for life. I guess that's why she is a nun :) My path is the path of householder and marriage yoga. Although, I have been living like a nun for many years now :) :) :) My neighbors think I AM a nun LOL

Anyways, this evening, as I was dancing in the Congolese dance class, I noticed the phenomena that Gurdjieff talks about, which is increase in enthusiasm when we get attention from opposite gender. I was all tired to begin with, but then a new drummer walked in, and 3 drummers can make a lot more hoola boola than 2 drummers, and suddenly my energy level went up, esp because this 3rd drummer enjoyed looking at us dancers. And he is a very nice guy and he is "safe". I suppose that is what opposite genders do for each other - the admiration we have for the different and the need we have for the "other" that completes our half of the whole possible.

Also, there is something I noticed before in my dance classes, and that is being able to dance more easily when I get closer to the drums. (In African dance, we start far away from the drummers, then we dance and come closer, and when we get quite close, we break and go back to the start line).
How much is it the drums and how much is the drummers themselves, who are typically male?

I suspect there is probably both factors. What dawned on me this evening is that I was a lot more female around male drummers. Somehow them being different is what brought out from me things that otherwise cannot be brought out. Very interesting observation.

Basically, it is not possible to be light unless there is presence of darkness. It is not possible to be feminine unless there is masculine. I AM feminine but I don't even know it if I am alone. There is nothing to compare myself to. When I am around (nice, safe) guys, then I become aware of my feminine side. Otherwise it is like a ray of light on a sunny day - it is there but invisible.

Another thing that also dawned on me this evening is my background - I actually come from a very strong culture and strong family, and I am a "child from a good house" and it shows. I have something to fall onto, I have been taught discipline and good manners and "doing things the right way", and I have a history that is normal. No drugs, or dramas, no religious dogma, or whatever, only normal human stuff, normal human life, very common sense. I am lucky! Very lucky.

I also realized how the drum/dance community must have had difficulty with me because I really look and behave rather lame. Nothing flashy, etc. (I am beautiful but I don't strut it, quite the opposite ... ) I am not into clothes and looking pretty, so what I wear must be really ticking them off. I am the kind that has tags showing, pants falling below butt line, old clothes, holes, hair standing up, etc. I really should pay more attention to what I wear. I have been a loner all my life and am not socially very skilled (nor interested nor enthused) in environments like theirs, which are completely socially "showy". I am not socially showy at all. I am a sociable introvert.


Friday, July 10, 2009

3-D street paintings

Thursday, July 9, 2009

what is expected of a relationship; being in the moment

It took me about 2 days of intense musing on the subject, because Born Ignorant date was hell - that religion should be renamed Born Again Hell, or Born Again in Hell, or something like that. And I don't see any other good candidates on the horizon. They all want something for nothing.

They all want something for nothing because the deal is:

I will continue living my life and just incorporate YOU, because you are nice to me and you will take care of me.
So I don't have to give up my childish immature selfish habits, like ___ fill in the blanks_____ (hints: Born Ignorant dogma, womanizing, drugs, alcohol, working all the time, never spending time with you, not talking to you, making you feel stupid, etc etc.)
And we shall be happy ever after! I will get to do what I want, AND I will have good care on top. Awesome! I love you!

Well, even a dog could hardly accept that. Even dogs have needs, like walks, food, bath, and lots of company.

Human partners have even more needs. (and children and families and communities, for that matter). Not to mention the marriage yoga: a human partner is supposed to be a partner for spiritual growth.

So, unless one is willing and able to Grow, why bother with a relationship. To be able to sleep with someone? But then where does it end - both parties get bored and eventually split. To have someone support you? That sucks.

The case of Born Ignorant is a very good illustrative case of an immature asleep person. Every immature, selfish person who cannot relate does the same thing. The story is the same for womanizers, chemical addicts, workaholics, absent ones, moody ones, ... The story goes like this:

Phase 1: He lies about his beliefs, to be able to get the care he wanted;
Phase 2: he gets the care, and he is unwilling to change his limiting beliefs.
Phase 3: When cornered, he leaves - to find another victim who will finance his habits.

Phase 1 is the courting stage, where he is "nice" and the victim is usually blinded by their own desires - for love, company, sex, partnership, etc etc. This is the rosey phase with great potential for getting stuck by making kids or having joint finances.

Phase 2 is the life after the courting. The caretaker is still working hard in caretaking, hoping that the addict will somehow "change."
This phase is such a good deal - he gets to have his cake and eat it too. The other person has to grow, and he stays where he is at, comfortably. In short, he just found someone to FINANCE HIS ADDICTIONS. To take care of him and enable him to keep on doing more of the same.
So, in case of Born Ignorant, he can proudly parade around carrying his Bible, never forgiving, never giving, never showing any trace of love, just TALKING TALKING TALKING about it and never doing any of it, and his partner must do all the Inner Work of True Christiantity and shower all the love and care on him in actual specific terms.
See the parallels? A womanizer gets to run around and come home for a nice meal and ready bed, a drug addict has someone to drive him home when drunk, a workaholic has someone at home to clean the house and watch the kids, etc.

(AND on top of it, he tries to convert his caretaker. My goodness, that is stupidity. It leads to losing the care! The care is contingent precisely on the fact that the caretaker is a normal human being able and willing to give, share and love. Once they go off the deep end too, there is no more giving. It is like a womanizer converting his caretaker into running around too, or a drug addict hooking someone on drugs. Bye bye all the comforts to the leach.)

During courting and caretaking stages, the addict lies about his beliefs and tries to hide them. He also lies about "loving" his caretaker. As long as he is taken care of unconditionally and without any obligations, he is "in love" and wants more.
Phase 3 is when the addict becomes suspect, because his behavior finally drives the caretaker insane and some questions are raised.
As soon as something is expected of him, he is not in love anymore. Any threat of him having to give something of himself immediately dries up his enthusiasm, and he sulks, accuses, stabs, bails.
Eventually the caretaker will get fed up and will not try to cajole the sulky kid, and then the sulky kid will leave on his own. Some leave quietly, some steal whatever they can and stab you on the way out.

And of course, as every addict will do, no addictions are ever given up.
Womanizer wants women who will be fine with his escapades, and hate OTHER WOMEN that he is escapading with, not him. He will always the darling one and off the hook. Other women are guilty, not him. He sets up women against each other and sets himself as a prize to be gotten at any cost. Drug addict wants someone who will drive him home when he is drunk and stoned and not be grossed out by all of it and never mind that the drunk one is totally out of it and definitely totally out of being able to relate to his "loved one". Born Ignorant wants someone who will read the Bible with him and never question any of that insane reality of some partial god who is there to whack you or praise you if you are "bad" or "good" - and as long as we TALK "good" we are fine regardless of what we are actually DOING. A partner who will participate in that hypocrisy. Born Ignorants are also very afraid of ending up in hell, which is very suspicious - they must have been there already to be able to be so afraid on such visceral level. Their whole religion is hell. And creates hell for anyone and anything that comes in contact with it. Like a poison. I have never seen anything so evil so subtle and so slimey that just sucks life out of a person.

Phase 4 is just the repeat of the cycle, going back to Phase 1 with another victim. How do they spot their victims? I don't know! How do they figure out: this one will take care of me and not ask any questions, at least for a while until I get fat again.

So every one of these selfish people will try to keep and justify at any cost his addiction. Their addiction is just a smokescreen to allow them to continue in the same vein, selfish and immature, closed off. They DO NOT FEEL. They cannot feel. They don't want relationship. They want a nanny, a nurse, a caretaker.

So, as soon as their addiction is on the agenda, they will stab and bail. And forget very quickly.

Born Ignorant was an amazing case because his dogma is such that he is brainwashed to forget _super quickly. He said he had a difficult time over ONE weekend, then got into charitable events on Monday after, and was a happy proud productive christian ever since. This comes from a man who for 2 years claimed he loved me more than anything. Some weeks after that difficult weekend, he saw nude Jennifer Aniston on yahoo news, and he thought about it while driving, which eventually made him think of me for about 5 minutes, but then he got out the car and forgot all about me. That's the power of Born Ignorant christianity and any addiction - it completely kills any sense of life. This man is completely in the Matrix, completely asleep, and dreaming of himself as someone grand and also someone completely "bad" at the same time. All addictions are driven by a deep sense of insecurity and falsity. If he felt genuinely and deeply confident in his place in Life as a Human Being, he could never be an addict. Addiction is just to give him that smokescreen, that fake mask of being "good enough." He is completely delusional.

All addicts are delusional and trying to escape reality by feeding off something external, by attaching to something external. They all want to be high. The chemical addict does it by taking chemicals. Womanizer does it by praying on the attention he gets, by being tickled by sexual innuendos. Born Ignorant imagines himself as a knight in the schining armor.

They are just avoiding FEELING and BEING IN THE MOMENT, RAW MOMENT. With all that it is. Boring, hard, mundane, tough, pretty, relaxing, exilirating, ... whatever. Any addict picks just the "fun" parts on the "up" side, of being special and powerful and having ONLY pleasure. But those are not real moments. Those are our mind interpretations of real moments. Real moments are raw. They are deep. They are very concrete and very transforming.

Women are asleep as much as men are, however, women are a little more sensitive and aware beings in general, so the blame is on them: Women have made a tremendous mistake in raising such immature men (and women). Every mother who could not teach her sons to Love and Give is a failure as a mother. Every woman who accepted such morons for lovers, husbands and fathers of their children is a moron too, helping to propagate this immaturity and madness. Sex and also money issues is a great blinder and makes people do stupid things. Some women choose to attach because they don't have financial independence. That's immature woman who does that, afraid/lazy to go out into the world and make it her own. Many women become enslaved because they are too quick to have sex and thus children, and then they are tied. However - as my brother said: "we will raise the kid and maybe one day tell him who the father is."


My letter to the President






is there "the best" therapist?

Comment: The styles that ppl like are as varied as the individuals. If someone gains clients by relaxation massage without fixing their issues, then who are we to say he's rubbing ppl the wrong way.

Milica: Thank you for helping me say this more clearly.

Yes, we don't say which is better therapist. That's exactly how I feel. Every person needs to work with exactly the therapist they are comfortable with. Because I am really involved in healing practice, if I work on someone, their life will change. Not everyone wants change and a healing experience. That's their decision. I am available to those who want it.

As for deep bruising massage vs light: sometimes you need needle nose pliers for the job, sometimes you need a hammer. One is not better than the other, they just accomplish different things. It really depends on what the client needs, what works for them in particular.
Personal rapport and trust the clients establishes with the therapist is #1. Then the therapist must have enough skill to actually repair and help.

The key is the fine line of matching the "personal feeling" AND skill set between therapist and client.

So imo there is no "best" therapist for everyone, there is "the best therapist FOR ME, AS I AM NOW." A client is a being on a certain level of consciousness and goes to a therapist who has something to offer to them, whatever the client deems valuable. Some people will go for a happy ending massage, some for feel good or beat-me-up massage, some for a nice chat with someone nice, some for deep transformative work. People pick what they want.

I am a healer, my job is to challenge as well as encourage and pamper people. There is no change without some challenge. I am in the "deep transformative work" category which also feels good and relaxes. That's the jist of lomilomi practice - nothing is separate, it is all related.

My issue is showing dislike for anything less than very deep. In some ways it is less, but in God's kingdom there is room for everything and a healer must be patient and considerate and keep on educating. If Jesus or Buddha came down here and started feeling like it is lesser - which it IS - they would have never been able to do what they did. The key is to stay disattached and disidentified and compassionate towards everything, including ourselves, and keep on working for God. I am trying :)


Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Ok, life on Earth is a little crazy and everyone on Earth is crazy in their own way. So everyone tries to make sense out of this mess and live a life that gives them some meaning, some assurance, some comfort. Everyone wants to sleep peacefully at night and not be bothered with anything unpleasant. What an asleep person will do is try to BELONG to something, to identify with something that will "save them".

Human mind wants to identify, to latch itself to something "powerful" that gives security and pleasure and power and specialness, to ATTACH.

So, some will find solace in their religion (e.g. because they are expecting Jesus to save, i.e. bail them out); some feel secure because they have lots of money; some find comfort in going out partying and having fun and being popular; some find comfort in drugs, alcohol, whatever chemical will take them out of here and to a "nicer" place; some find comfort in belonging to a family, to a country, to whatever that makes them feel secure and special; some find comfort in knowing that they are in charge and controlling their environment;

and so on.

So, being of the crazy kind that seeks to Look Within and Without and find the Truth is definitely not the kind that gives one comfort and security. If anything, it removes all comfort and security - in the external. That's the glitch. The external gives that false security.

The external is the Truman show, the nice happy life Truman leads thinking that is it.

The external is the Matrix - when the traitor character says to the Rulers: get me back into Matrix and make me dream of something really nice, e.g. I am a famous actor.

Being outside of the Matrix relies on comfort and security of something very slippery, unpredictable, mysterious, incomprehensible, impossible to put a finger on. Yet that is the only thing there is. And the only thing that gives one true comfort and security, not just a dream, an illusion of the real thing.

Hm, how does one hook up with that Unseen that actually runs this show, the only One Who Knows?


NO MORE GMO - only organic local food

GMOs behind forced vaccinations:

Argentina bank to close because of "epidemics"

How to grow our own good food:

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Monday, July 6, 2009


Subject: June Full Moon Meditation Message from His Holiness Gayuna Sundima Cealo
Date: Jul 6, 2009 2:46 PM

Go beyond the flow of time to be in a place of tranquility
without being controlled by the consciousness or emotions,
and without considering gain or loss.

Now this time is here for your heart.
Be away from all the causes that might affect your heart.
Just be alone with your self and your heart for the best meditation.

Gayuna Sundima

God as matchmaker

Just some comments which I am putting into my blog:

As I am preparing to go into a Vision Quest again, the last VQ comes to mind, year 2005, where God made me look through all my relationships, and then I had to promise that I will go out and at least talk to men, and find my mate. Back then, I was about 12 yrs old, badly divorced and then freshly broken up, very hurt, and didn't talk to anything male between ages 25 and 50. Back then, I was really kicking about my new instructions and tried to get out of it, which led to many comical events. It was clearly a wickedly planned setup by Higher Forces. Even in the midst of it, it was clearly hilarious and there was nothing I could do, the events rolled in such a way that even movies seldom have such plot. Other instructions I got was "more fun and more discipline" and I was sent to play drums. Eventually I decided to be a little more compliant and reluctantly went on a date in 2007 just for the heck of it with someone I didn't even like at first but grew to appreciate a lot, which ended recently (and disastrously because as usual I was procrastinating until it was too late - just like VQ was warning me).

Right now, the instructions from the last VQ are very very clear, I am painfully aware of what they were trying to say, and I am willing to follow the instructions and find that mate that I am supposed to have. Where to look? Having landed on Earth as a complete alien, I am going over my experiences and strategizing where to look next.

I have met a lot of earthlings that totally blew my mind because they are obviously from a different planet. Someone recently asked me why I didn't "try out" dating someone else and I was so dumbfounded by a question that I didn't know what to answer.

If someone just stares at my butt at an event and then ignores me and flirts with others, if someone just hangs out but never speaks to me and talks with me, is that a sufficient clue for me to "try them out" as a date???

I don't think so. First, if the person never approached me, never courted me for real, and in particular, never asked me out - what is there to respond to? They are simply waiting for me to chase them, cater to them and be responsible for everything. No thanks. They are not risking anything of themselves and thus are not serious for sure. Also, they are likely a lazy coward. And, most importantly, they are likely estimating that they have no chance, so they won't even try. If they are estimating they have no chance, they probably have a good reason for it (e.g. I do drugs and she doesn't like that), so it *IS* better that they are not even trying.
They can be a friend if they really were interested in me as a person. But if they are not approaching me to talk with me and hang out with me, then they are not interested in me as a person, they are most likely interested just in sex. So they say: ok, let me give some weak signals, and if she is so crazy to go for it and start chasing me down, great, otherwise I am not going to work too hard on this. IF SHE FALLS INTO MY LAP, WONDERFUL, OTHERWISE I DO NOT CARE. Well, I don't care either.

Second, they don't want a relationship, they want - whatever it is, it is not a partnership based on communication, talking, spending time together, enjoying each other's company, etc. In my experience, what they want is just some sex. Very young males who are into still immature and into hormones try such approaches. My favorite is when a 25-yr old tried me on about 6 years ago, by passing close by me with his shirt off. Yes he is very good looking, muscular and nice, well respected, famous guy and I noticed a lot of younger ladies chasing him. Was I supposed to get swooned and jump on him too? I am way older and thus wiser :) I have done those things already in my wild youth and I know where it leads - nowhere. Unless a guy is there WITH me and willing to stand by me no matter what, he is a wannabe and not serious. A guy has to be MATURE enough to understand what a relationship is.

The Born Again that I dated last actually knew this. He was a mature person, also a divorced father of two grown kids, and he knew what it means to stand by a woman, and he did put effort into making it happen. That was his definite and clear plus. An adult, mature male knows what he wants and he goes for it, he makes it happen, and he stands responsible. He didn't have problems stating his feeling and intent and saying "I love you" and he enjoyed hanging out in simple or deep things, was dedicated, and was willing to talk things over. We were good friends and had great time together although it was long distance and we didn't see each other often and slept together only maybe a couple of times at the very end. (It was me, I jumped on him. If we both say "I love you" and we mean it after 2 years of spending time together, I feel entitled to jump. But Born Agains are impotent with fear of God, they are incapable of Love.) We were able to Transcend a lot of issues for both of us, which was immensely productive.

The thing he didn't understand is that a relationship is based on honesty, and he was hiding his Born Again stuff because he knew I didn't like it. It is like hiding a drug habit.
This man was already married to his Born Ignorant dogma and trying to convert me. That is dishonest and delusional, and also: no real woman wants to be second to anything but God. This man's "I love you" was very cheap and very conditional - "if you are exactly what I want from you and you do as I say, I love you, otherwise I don't."

Relationship is something that comes from God, and God wants both people to grow and that's why he puts them together. And, God is something very Large and requires stepping forth, all the time. There is no drawing back - unless you want to leave the relationship for good. There has to be forgiveness as well as discipline. A Born Again has to be willing to move on beyond his limited ideas of Universe and Open to Something Larger. Otherwise - leave. Which he finally understood and left.
The test of the relationship is when two people have to spend time together in mundane tasks beyond just having fun. Kindness, attention, forgiveness, care, all that comes out when it comes to solving problems together and then the TRUTH comes out.
"I love you" has no "but" in it. If a person is committed, they have to step forth and Work to overcome whatever it is that the relationship is showing is the area to Work on. (That's why it is important to match people properly. Most people are mismatched because they got together too quickly to jump into the sack asap without thinking of consequences. Consequences are very dear and long term - we are karmicaly connected to all who we slept with.)
Also, anything that stands in the way of personal growth and transformation is totally counter any relationship. Relationships are meant as spiritual practice where two people help each other grow. Thus, by definition, the relationship is based on Inner Work and Transformation. If that is lacking, there is no relationship. If one person is following any dogma of any kind, and is refusing to Open and Grow, then there can be no true relationship.

The dogma and being closed can come in so many ways... Guys who have chemical dependencies, guys who run around, guys who work 100hrs per week without you, guys who are insisting on "having their own space and doing their own thing" etc etc - all guys who are INTO THEMSELF and definitely not into a relationship. All those ways to push someone out of their life and to keep doing whatever they please. Trying to push it on someone else is selfish. A guy on drugs should seek only those on drugs and/or tolerant enablers. A womanizer should seek other loose and loose-tolerant people. A Born Again should seek only another similarly brainwashed person to read Bible with. And so on.

So, any "relationship" is based on the common spiritual beliefs. Two people getting together for a short sex stint are on the same level, a low level. A true relationship is based on the high standards of both parties putting effort into Inner Work and growth and demonstrating love and care to each other at each step. That requires a lot of work, committment, and self responsibility. Not everyone is willing and able to participate in something like that. It requires Feeling. It can hurt. It requires Inner Work. That definitely hurts.

Trying to mismatch people on different levels is only detrimental to both. Dating a Born Again was experience straight from hell. A religios fanatic has no shame in trying to protect his own ass from his perceived "wrath of God" and he will stab you as soon as he thinks his ensured spot in heaven is at stake. Flirting with a womanizer is extremely humiliating, nausiating, and demeaning, I did it once and it made me feel so violated and negated, it is violence in a very slimey manner. Even asking God the question: can it be that this someone who is chemically dependent is a possible candidate??? brought me nightmares. Intellectual discussions with so-called "intellectuals" are just fancy cover-ups for the same story of "I am going to do what I want."

Is it possible that all these people really do not know what they are doing? Yes, it is. We are all asleep. There are women and men who do those things because there are enough men and women who do the same things so nobody ever learns, they just keep on doing the same thing. The chemically dependent gets gifts from his girlfriends and asks them if it is smokable or drinkable. The womanizers have baits for attention getting and they make sure to put the lures out. The Born Again was a total hit in his BIBLE-STUDY GROUP FOR SINGLES. Hm, a bunch of singles coming together to study the Bible - I wonder where their attention is. What a riot of a church. (To be honest, this person at least had common sense to ask to be removed from the singles group, because he really wanted to just study.)

And so on. Those Who Are Trying To Wake up are a little more rare to find.

Where does one find Those Who Are Trying To Wake Up? Hm! Someone like that has a dedicated spiritual practice in some form, and is closely related to God. Some more likely places are some organizations, like "protecting native species" or "clean up land" or some other higher level causes like that. Meditation groups. Spiritual groups. Often, Native people with nice families. I noticed that some West African djelis are like it.

God arranges everything so this will be arranged too, just like everything else. Since there are no matchmakers these days who will bring potential husbands to me, I need to help out by putting myself up front into situations where I need to be, e.g. I need to go out and have myself accessible, and then be sensible enough to recognize The Right Guy. Hm, where.....

Friend: yeah where to meet like minded people who want a higher experience is good question. If I knew I would go there. This is a prison planet, heaven here is a state of mind.

Milica: easy! Go to Gurdjieff group meetings, Unity Church, Honolulu, Tuesdays 6:30-7:30.
Unfortunately, there are no eligible guys for me personally there. However, that's a group of people who want a higher experience and it is IMMENSELY useful.
I would even dare say that some spiritual practice like that is a prerequisite for any relationship.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Young Living rocks

I wanted to do colon cleanse with, because it is a good thing to do, we all need to do it occassionally, and because the owner looks very radiant. Well, 10 days of colon cleanse retreat on Big Island in a place famous for "miraculous results" is $3600 + lodging. Oops!

So I decided to use Young Living recepie "cleanse colon, then liver" - their program is on their web site, So, first "comfort tone" pills for large intenstine cleansing, since I already had them in the cupboard. That worked very well.

Then I started taking Young Living "juva tone" for toning the liver, since I already had them in the cupboard, and the results were so immediate and so good - my skin got soft, I wake up rested, a few gray hairs that crept up in the last months, when I worked too hard and was exausted, are gone. And all in a matter of a days.

So, check out Young Living I find them to be the best essential oils. The pills also work well, the oils are in them. The pills I used were even slightly expired, which was actually better for me, my stomach didn't complain. Usually their pills are way too strong and I take them with food.

Seems like the pills work very well only if we do the inner work to resolve whatever it is. I never got such immediate positive results before.

Yahoo PineHill group in health has lots of good posts on Young Living aromatherapy.

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Saturday, July 4, 2009

Beauty is all around me....

I walk in beauty
Beauty is before me
Beauty is behind me
above and below

Navaho song


very appropriate - swimming in warm salty dense powerful moving Ocean while watching the sunset over the far horizon, playing drums looking at the blue and silver and green shades of Haleiwa hills and sky and clouds over them, full moon rising, it is AH SO BEAUTIFUL.

Appreciating the beauty came a lot more easier after some good fresh local food, a nice afternoon nap, rest, and liver toning herbals from Young Living. My skin also improved with the liver herbs. And, last but not least, the quiet nights with crickets and Ocean sounds, allowing one to sleep deeply and rest.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Finding a way to include resistance

Experiencing a certain "sinking" feeling - fragility of humanness, need for food, shelter, other people's help, etc. Trying to reconcile the stark reality full of problems with the "dancing lights" behind everything.

Question: how do we deal with our own resistance?
"As we move closer to these moments of bearing witness to ourselves impartially, the conditions of life and especially of one aspect of our personality oppose this movement. We begin to encounter resistance, which sometimes manifests itself as this "sinking" you speak of. It's a sign that something genuine is at work, and from that we may take courage. We need to find a way to include the resistance, because only then will we be able to see the truth."


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