Sunday, August 30, 2009

not following Inner Vision

My 3pm client was 20 mins late. Then I needed to work a little longer because we were discussing something really important. So I was 15 mins late for my 5pm client.

The 5pm client didn't tell me they had a major pain problem. So I booked them for 1 hr instead of 1.5 hr. But because they had such a big problem, I needed a little more time. Also, this person was demanding and difficult - no wonder they had pain. They were so tight with fear. It took a while to relax them and get them back to present.

And since I was late, and needed to work a little longer on them, AND my clock was 5-10 mins slow, I was 8 mins late for my next client, actually 2 clients, husband and wife.

Well, the 5pm client was an outcall. 6:30 was not. When I called at 6:38 to appologize, they were already gone. They came at 5:25, found my door closed, called me, and LEFT immediatelly. My phone was in the car so I didn't answer the call.

I had an inkling to leave a note on my door saying I will be back, but I didn't do it.

So - I lost 2 clients.

Their problem is that they don't feel the time. My problem is that I take the time - and other people - a little not so seriously.
Also I don't take MY time seriously. I let them walk all over me. I cater to a person who is not doing their job, and other people suffer. If a client is late, I should be able to say: sorry, you have till 4:30pm and then I have to meet someone else.

How to die

Someone very close was sick for a while.
I explained to their caregiver the basic principles of the Tibetan Book of Dead, which teaches how to cross over. Tibetans believe in reincarnation so it is very important how you cross over, how you die - that determines your next life.

So, what is important is being there with the dieing person and "holding their fear" as Serbs would say, i.e. ensuring the dieing person that they are loved, that everything is ok, that it will be ok to cross over, and that it's ok on the other side.

Also, that their loved ones who died before will be waiting on the other side and welcome them. That God will not judge them, but will take care of them. That before the crossing over, the whole life needs to be reviewed, mistakes understood and forgiven, lessons learned from mistakes, and then it is ok to cross over peacefully - all bills have been cleared.

Also, on our side, we the living can help the dieing by remembering their good deeds and forgiving their bad deeds, i.e. clearing the bill on our side so that it is easier for them to clear their side of the bill.

Also, that the body is just a heavy garment and that it is a relief to leave it when it becomes too uncomfortable to further live. That it is ok to just shed the body and leave peacefully onto bigger and better projects, having learned from this life experience.

I told the caregiver that I will be happy to assist the person in crossing over to the other side. I have some training in that and have done it for some, successfully. They were afraid of death and struggling to stay alove, although their bodies were hurting them badly. Finally, they decided to leave, you could tell that it was a relief for them. They were done and they just left, peacefully and consciously.

The week before, during the Vision Quest, I went throught some forgiveness procedures for this dieing person. The person did some pretty nasty stuff to me which I saw clearly and understood for the first time in my life. However - somehow it didn't matter. The person did some very good, helpful healing stuff and helped me a lot - and that is what matters and what I remember.

So I told the caregiver everything that I was grateful for that this dieing person did for me.


The person died the very next morning, peacefully in their sleep. Somehow they heard what we were talking about and it helped them cross over. God bless them and may their journey be joyful.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

The mind needs to be disciplined

Just recently, on the VQ, I had a realization how undisciplined the mind is. My mind is :) It likes to wander all over the place, and the wandering is highly dubious and murky. It never wanders into good stuff. It wanders into some shady activities, like fear, upset, anger, bitching, sniveling, etc. Even if it notices something nice, it kinda brushes it over. It is completely self absorbed and in a way that makes the whole world responsible to cater to it, and if it doesn't, the bitching ensues. It LOVES to go OVER AND OVER AND OVER again over some details it can bitch about - look how he treated me, look how this doesn't work, ...
The result: feeling depleted.

This mind wallowing in the negativity and self-absorption can be described with the Serbian description "kao krava u stetu", which losely translated means: like an unsupervised cow when she goes to graze where she is not supposed to, and thus causes damage.

So, what do we do? PUT A LEASH ON THAT COW.

I realized that I need to indend to think what I want to think, and give direction that way.

Also, to think something ONCE. If someone did something wrong, don't dwell on it. Just think it, make conclusions, and move on. Don't let them bother you. People enjoy seeing someone upset, and they do things to upset others, to see them wiggle. That's sick.

So - no dwelling on anything, and making a turn into thinking Higher.

It is amazing what happens. The head just gets full of light.

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Monday, August 24, 2009


I came home at about 11pm and saw that my cat was watching something moving in the bushes next to the fence. That something was about cat size and jumped up and down. I thought - another cat? hm, why wouldn't mine react to it? A rat? Hm, a big rat!

It was an owl! Paeo, Hawaiian owl. It got stuck between fences (the neighbor for some reason put his fence about 1 ft AWAY from our fence, so now there is 1 ft neitherland corridor between the two fences, and that neitherland is full of weeds.)

He was actually rather small, with a small beak and big yellow eyes, rather dark. He hissed at me and put his wings up but soon realized that he needed to cooperate.So, I walked the owl to the corridor side that ended on the street. The cat didn't bother him, although she checked and I had to remind her to stay aside. The dogs in the neighborhood all started barking when he got out. His wings were quite huge! He was awesome flying at night.

As I was saving the owl, I found a dead? small bird on the ground. Today I checked, the bird was still there, alive, but not able to fly. He didn't seem tangled into anything. One of his legs didn't really move. I took him up to 3rd floor and he just flew away. ??? What was wrong with him, is a good question.

There was about 10 small tiny birds on the schlefera seeds today. I took photos.

Now I saw a spider, about 3 inches in diameter, fuzzy, crossing over my wall right in front of me. Yikes! I need to get him out, asap. He hid behind some pictures. I HOPE that is a cane spider and harmless. If not - hey ....

Geckos are also running on the walls. Sometimes they leave their poop on the wall. I need to somehow reduce their numbers. I suppose they come for cockroaches... and ants.... who come for unwashed dishes, cat food, and lots of nice cupboard space - premium room and board.

I hope they don't get the idea that this is a free country and they can just move in. I need to ask them to stay out.

WEll, I don't have screens on my windows. I wanted air. So - there are guests that can easily come in. They can come in anyways over the front door, since there is a gap without anything on top of it. The gap should have a screen. I just do not like screens - they reduce air flow. I like fresh air.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Call of the Wild

Poems from the Vision Quest
copyright by Milica Barjaktarovic

After 4 days in Wilderness
where Everything Is Real

coming back to the city
makes me feel like a cat
clawing out of a box.


The grace, beauty and gentleness of larch needles,
as they bend over the pine covered path.


Back to the car. The traffic roars outside. It makes me cry - literaly.
Coming home alone again stripped of the Magic of Life
same old story, every time with body more abused from living in the matrix.

It is not easy being a Child of Wilderness. The grid gives grief.

Off the grid. Unplug.

The only way is to Plug into Something Infinite.
And that is not quite possible in the city. That Something lives a lot more
In the Wild.


I show the big turkey feather to my friend. She has never seen one.
Then I show her the smaller fluffy ones, and I say smiling:
these are the underware feathers. See how fluffy they are?

She looks at me and says: they are called pin feathers, right? They are under the tail feathers.

I look at her, bewildered with this academic discussion.

What about the turkey high up in the mountains at 8000ft where the fog rolls in from the North and the wind blows and the rain comes - for days
and the fluffy feathers keep the bird warm as it forages for food and rests at night in a big grassy area that keeps dew for a long time yet is so nice and warm when it is sunny and in the darker places shaded with trees with branches good for perching

Does the bird care for the scientific name of its feathers?

What about experiencing the bird? What about experiencing that fog as it rolls in, and the damp cold to the bone chill and the joy of every ray of sun and every warm piece of underware.

Yes, what about that? It's all in that fluffy feather. Have you lived that feather?

The other friend asks me if I went with my family.
I don't know what to say. He is from Africa so "family" makes sense to him.
He doesn't understand that my physical family is overseas
and that my big family is a lot of people who are not related to me by blood but
by Spirit.
So I just look at him wondering what to say.
I just say: no, I went with two friends.

Native American Vision Quest

Just came back from one. It is 4 days and 4 nights in wilderness, not eating, just drinking water, and staying within a 10 ft circle. The goal is Observe and Listen as to whatever is happening outside in the Nature and also inside yourself. Just that.

More specifically: Sleep only when you have to. Bring some warm clothes and a sleeping bag and tarp. Put the bag and tarp out into the circle at night. During the day - the sleeping gear goes into hiding and the circle is yours. Must stay quiet too. Shortly leave the circle to go to bathroom (a dug up hole somewhere nearby) when needed. Drink 1 gallon of water per day. No bathing!

Wow, what a healing treatment and a beauty treatment, and what clarity it brings. VQ is called "sledge hammer for opening the heart" and indeed it is. It puts everything into perspective and makes everything clear. Highly recommended!

It is meditation in application. It is easier for those who meditate and/or are more attuned to Spirit, because in that circle you face your greatest enemy - your various dubious parts and the gang leader the ego! as well as your greatest friend - the Great Creator. And you got to face both. God calls you to the Quest because God has something to work out with you. Also, we have questions - should I marry X, divorce Y, move to Z, get W job or Q job. We think we go into the circle to have those answers, and indeed they are answered but then God pulls out the real agenda, God's agenda for you.

So, going into that circle with attitude of humility and reverence is a must.

The last time I went on a Quest, I had no questions, but I knew I had to show up. WEll, for 4 days, God drilled me about my romantic relationships, I had to go through every single one and watch every detail of what I did wrong. There was a lot to watch... and it was rather ugly and had bad permanent consequences for other people as well as for me. Ouch ouch ouch ouch. It was like a visit to a dentist when a tooth hurts badly - the healing is painful yet liberating. Better yet, like cleaning a raw infected wound. Ooouch!!! But then it gets better.
Once I saw what I did, many things made sense and I was at peace. I made amends energetically with the people I hurt, I made peace with myself, and later in real life I made some changes and it had positive results.

So, the idea is NOT to fight. To go in there and just observe, admit everything, and really carefully watch with utmost objectivity and neutrality. Hopefully, genuine remorse will ensue, which actually will heal the wound and lead to permanent transformation. NOTHING ELSE WORKS. Trust me, I tried :) I have a PhD in evasion.

So, after 4 days of Surrender - I admit! I accept, I am willing to see it, I observe it - wow, what profound effects. It really works. It is incredibly beautifying and healing. Fasting and water clean out all inpurities so skin gets clear and wrinkles disappear, body firms up, eyes are clearer, mind is SHARP like a razor, energy is up. Meditation and higher spiritual activities bring peace and that increases the glow a lot more.

I thought I would get weak. WEll, of course one is weak immediatelly after 4 days of fasting. I was afraid it will be a lot more long lasting, like I would get impoverished and in need of building up my strength again. Nope! This evening I swam in the dark, in rather chilly fresh ocean, then ran home like a doe. With incredible exuberant energy. Feeling so happy and peaceful and just radiant.

So - go on a Vision Quest! To start, check out Earth Heart web site and see if there are any VQ protectors in your area or an organized VQ. It is worth it. Your life will change for better, and rather quickly.

PS - it is not all that peachy when you are out there in that tiny circle doing nothing for 4 days, worrying about catching a cold, being attacked by something wild or even worse, a human, being too cold then too hot, dirty, hungry, body parts aching, and wanting to go home asap. But - it kinda passes and you get into the fun part of it, which is very very exuberant joy of just sitting in Nature and enjoying God's creation and just hanging out with God, one to one. It is totally intoxicating and magical. Miracles happen, things get clear, healing takes place. It is totally worth it. Not to mention being 4 days in fresh air and actually BREATHING.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Everyone responds to what they are used to

I was very nicely and fashionably dressed (for a change - I am really not into it - this time I was trying to wear out some things from my closet so that I could wash them and put them away - I spent a whole day reorganizing my closet - and about 2 days shopping for some new clothes, house stuff, etc. and returning the stuff) - anyways -

so here I am, very fashionably and nicely dressed, looking very dandy.

I walk into Ross (which is a store that sells nice stuff for less - like when stores have only one blouse of a kind left, or a cosmetic dent in an otherwise functional pot, they send those to Ross). So Ross is a rather upscale little place, where fashion (and money) conscious women shop. It is full of rather good looking women, shopping around for a silk blouse for $9, etc.

So I walk into Ross, fashionably dressed. Everyone smiles and treats me nicely. Other shoppers help me pick my clothes. Cashiers chat with me.

Then I walk into Wallmart. Cashiers don't look at me but look down, shoppers kinda stare at me a little bit.

Low level people are threatened by beauty and quality.
**** Everyone responds to only what they are used to. ****

Friday, August 7, 2009

How to gain the partner we are interested in

This post is for a former friend of mine, who started being really mean to me once she figured out I was on good terms with someone she likes.

Well, there are several points that an adult woman is aware of:

First, real women never compete for men. Only little girls depend on any male attention and try to hoard it like cookies. Why? First because it is quite immature to depend on other people for attention, regardless how. Second, because sexual attention is the easiest way to vampire energy from someone. People cannot help it - it is too strong. If *anyone* starts strutting their charms around asking to be noticed, yes, they WILL be noticed, period, even if they are an ugly nasty troll. Third and most important, because a real woman is interested in only one man, HER man, and that's the only man she is after. She has no interest and no time chasing other women's men. She is booked and too busy. Getting to know one man is a big job and takes a lifetime.

The corollary: if there is a couple and one partner floats around flirting with other people, that relationship is broke and ready to fall apart. When people are happy together, they simply are "full" and have no interest, no energy for anything else. Their own life keeps them very satisfied.

Second, it is totally ok to admire people of opposite gender without having any intentions of catching them. There are too many flowers in the world. We cannot pick every one. We can smell them and adore them and continue living our life. I personally have many male friends that I think very highly of. I truly adore them for who they are as people. I think they are wonderful people, very good at what they do, also sexy people, and just great. I can think of many examples, like many of my drummer friends, or martial arts friends, or the famous Chrysogone, a very fabulous dancer, storyteller, and such a nice, nice, high spirited person. But - even if we adore someone and even if there is some chemistry, between most people there is no chemistry that leads to anything romantic. Each one of those guys is either someone else's, or has incompatible life politics and habits, or is 3 ft shorter, or just doesn't feel right as a partner - simply - he is just an admirable, respectable brother. And that's totally ok. I have such relationships with women too, whom I respect and adore for who they are. I can think of Djeneba Sako, she is completely wonderful. Adoring women is a little different because they won't be flattered in a same way that a man would, of course. Sometimes a man makes a mistake and takes the admiration as a green light to grab you instead of just as a nice friendship. Sometimes ego looking for attention and/or the barking dog between the legs really gets in the way and causes confusion.

A young person perhaps has little experience to sort out what is what and probably confuses chemistry with a lot of other things. I know, I was there a long time ago :) :) :) Now being older and after a failed marriage and many failed relationships including a recent breakup, I am a lot more with my feet on the ground and my eyes open. Because now I know what it is all about: it is about taking the garbage out at the end of the day, about eating together at the dinner table, about taking the kids to an outdoor outing, about life, and being together, in all of it. It is actually a lot simpler, seemingly a lot less glorious than heated blind fever of the youth, and a lot more deeper and lot more satisfying. As I age and have less and less time to waste on this Earth, I am very keenly aware of the value of deep, heartfelt relationship. Because I have to find it and my time is running out. If I see someone who looks like a good candidate, I WILL grab them. Otherwise, I won't. I don't want my hands tied with someone who doesn't fit. I need to be free for Mr. Right.

Third, young people are too inexperienced in relationships because they are not aware of the paragraph above, so they are too proud/lazy/insecure/scared/... and too cautios, or too reckless, and try to protect themselves too much or just go ahead and have one night out deals. One night deals are as far as possible, that is the ultimate self protection from any engagement, but that's another story. The self protective ones stay too far, thus so subtle in courting that the object of their admiration doesn't even know they are after them.

In love, there is no chance to catch someone unless they know that you are after them and willingly walk into your arms. "Pour it out!" as says my friend Walt, and stick to it for a long time until they get the message. Otherwise, they are living their live completely oblivious of your existence.

Being protective is rightly so - another teenager can be very cruel in rejecting you. I have been rejected by some teenagers and it was very awful. I learned my lessons :) The only way to have it in a more gentle and really warm and nice way is to be in love with someone who is mature enough to appreciate you, and to say no in a way that is considerate. Immature people don't have that courtesy. So yes, it is important to protect the heart. But how much is a fine line - because you still want to get to know the other person. Read on.

Also, a no from one person is not forever. You might find someone better, or your person might change their mind. I personally went after someone I liked, made sure I spent time with him, but when I checked him out from closer, he wasn't the right fit. First, he was 9 years younger, which I didn't know until then, and second, he had a girlfriend but was kinda hanging out with the local slut. She was desperately trying one guy after another until she found someone - anyone - who answered. In this case, him. So I tried to tactfully back out - and failed, because I was rather angry at the end. I was trying to be a friend, but when it became obvious that I was simply just a friend and nothing more, I was rejected even as a friend, which is not fair. It showed that the guy never thought of me as of someone to be respected, just of some play toy. It was very painful. But - in all that, the other guy found me and I dated him successfully. So - it is all good.

I guess that's why it is so tempting to have a crush forever - we never find the truth. Our object of admiration always stays oh so admirable and oh so good. But we do need to have the courage to check them out and find out the TRUTH. If the answer is NO, then the answer is NO. No use in trying to push it. Move on. Find the YES.

Female teenagers court from afar. She giggles, talks with her girlfriends, is mean to all female competition, tries to be cool so that he will notice her. It is a nice idea that he will fall in love with the queen of the party, but it is a faulty idea, for two reasons: he won't even know you. You don't want someone who just sees your glitz and glory externals and falls in love with that false image. He needs to fall in love with the REAL YOU. Second, he won't necessarily connect the dots that the queen of the party should be something he needs to court. He doesn't even know she likes him!!! She is so subtle that he didn't even get any clues. Unless you show someone you really care for them, nothing happens.

I am speaking from personal experience. I have been on both sides of the fence. WHen I was a lot younger, I used to adore-from-afar in the "teenage fan club" the guys that I liked. But I wasn't really interested in a relationship. I had no clues about relationships then. On my other side of the fence, there was someone else who was courting me so invisibly that I never knew it, even when I carefully watched the guy I really could not tell. There was something - but so subtle... Also, his tactics were quite scary - he would try to make me jelous by flirting with other women. What it did is just made me RUN AWAY from him, completely terrified of such alien behavior. How I concluded that he was hitting on me is because his friends behaved that way and his potential girlfriends treated me badly. I have learned lately by hanging out with teenagers that it is one sign of teenagers hitting on each other. But the guy himself was WAY too subtle for me. Also, his courting was a little too physical, just staring at my butt, pardon my French, so it was obvious that he had no clue about relationships and probably just wanted to sleep with me. No thanks. Move on.

Unless someone asks to spend time with me and shows his respect, appreciation and love and eventually asks me out, I won't get the clue. I simply won't. If they are just nice to me and enjoy talking with me without any further intentions, I will take it as a very dear friendship. If they are staying really far and never interacting with me but are staring at my butt or whatever other clues a hungry man sends, I will take it as a flirt in passing, a little random chemistry, as lack of desire for anything serious, and will simply ignore it. And I bet many people are like me.

The last boyfriend I had was mature. He came on, put a lot of effort to be friends with me, and we were friends for a while. Why is that important?
It is CRITICAL to spend time with the person you like, to just hang out as a friend, in a warm friendly way, showing your love and attention and kindness, because:
1. you want to see what the person is really like. That's the main reason you don't want to adore someone from afar. Because you want to get to know them. IF you want a relationship and not just one night out, you need to spend time with the person and find out if you do indeed enjoy their company. ARE THEY A GOOD FRIEND? Because first they need to be a good friend if they are going to be a good partner.

At this stage, it is critical to be low key and to just stay a friend. Because, if you start strutting your charming prowess, the whole thing will become a devouring experience. The object of your attention will just eat you without even blinking, and then forget you the next day. You want to quietly and incospiciously check out the person and see if they are a good friend to you. Do they respect you for who you are, do they cherish you, do they work for your good. And vice versa, you need to be all that for them.

Forget the white winged buffalo of some far away idol. Teenagers adore Brad Pitts and Marilyn Monroes. Real people fall in love with real people and have real lives, like jobs, children, bills, taking the garbage out, and sex after an exausting week at work. It is glorius but in a very mundane way. And I would want that. That is real and attainable and is great, wonderful way to live.

So check out your object of admiration. Can he or she take the garbage out at the end of the day, can he or she eat the same food with you around the dinner table, would he or she be a good parent, can he or she be there for you when you are all crabby and sick as well as when you are gloriously charming and all ready to go. DO they stick by you, in good and bad.

If they flirt around, if they get drunk/stoned and forget you, if they never have any money, if they have no job, if they treat you badly, if they belong to some organization/belief system that you despise - don't even consider them.

If they pass those initial tests, then test them a little more: what are they like when they get angry, happy, etc. Will they give you a ride when you need it, do your friends like them, do their values jibe with yours. CHECK THEM OUT.

The main question to be answered is: is there a respect, a trust, a warmth, a positive vibe. Do we enjoy talking together, spending time together. Do we help each other grow. Are our values and lifestyle and personalities compatible. Do we have the same spiritual goals. Are we really good friends. Are we there for each other no matter what. Are we honest and helpful to each other.

I checked my old boyfriend for a few months and he passed. Spending time with him was productive. We were able to grow a lot. That is very valuable. He was into God just like me. So, I want to keep this man in my life. Now on to step 2.

2. Once you have some data that indeed it is a positive experience spending time with this person, then you move on and you ask them out and in a more explicit way say that you love them. And in a way at first that is subtle. Maybe you are good friends, but is there any chemistry? Has the other person ever seen you in that way? Do you like how they smell? Do you like hanging close to them? Check them out from close, without them knowing. Like, go to the beach together, to a dance or some other "sweaty" event where the real smell comes out, and have a chance to see them in action and to actually smell them. No deodorant and parfumes. You want HIS smell, not someone else's. If the data says yes, this guy charms me, he smells good to me, then proceed.
Now is the time to put that nice dress on and wink. See if they notice. If they don't - well, did they see the wink?

So, this is how I would get the partner I want and I would recommend it to others. IF you want a partner. One night stand is a whole different story. A crush forever with no result is a different story. I personally am tired from crushes forever. It is exciting, it is drama, it is proud, it is safe, it looks good, but - there is nobody on my pillow every night, night after night, there is nobody eating dinner with me. I rather have that. It is real.

Oh, I forgot: the prayer. Talking to God about your case. Asking if it is right. Also, talking to the Spirit of The Right One, calling him to you.
And trying and failing :) It sometimes doesn't come immediately.

When I asked about my last boyfriend, I said: if he is The right one for me, make him come closer, and if he is not, make him go away. Well, the next day, he got angry and left and didn't come back for more than a month. Until then, he was always around. His first bailing at that precise time was quite not a coincidence, was it. It was a clear NO. He was the right choice for a while, our time together was immensely productive. He just wasn't supposed to stay.

My friend had a calling that she had to move from location X to location Y, and she did it, and shortly after, found her very good husband. He was calling her in Spirit from his cabin in the woods. Of course he didn't know that it was her until he met her in person and recognized her from his Vision.

The amount of self protection and pride has to be very carefully balanced. Because it is not possible to have an open heart and be totally proud and protected. We get hurt if our heart is open and alive, it is unavoidable. However, we are able to rebound, and also, our open heart never leads us into situations where the heart gets shattered and stepped on. It is our mind, our greed, our insecurity, that makes us hang around people who are bad for us. Our heart leads us exactly to the right place.


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