Wednesday, September 23, 2009
What makes me investigate so deeply today is fear - fear of making a wrong step. I praised someone and now he is so enthusiastic, maybe he will fall in love, thinking I am in love with him. But I am not. The guy doesn't even qualify because of his habits.
I see him all the time and I think highly of him in many other ways, and so - if he gets high on this false hope, it is terrible. What is the best way to handle this, to give all my love and support without getting romantically involved.
I guess the answer is PRAY.
what does it take to get to someone?
I can see how people do stupid things, like the Board of the building where I rent, they are malicious on purpose. They are actually trying to hurt me and "feed off" seeing me suffer. That is entertaining to them. Seeing that from afar is one thing. Being very close to that, "in bed with it" literally, is another thing. It makes me question humanity.
It makes it obvious that what walks around looking and acting as human beings is NOT human beings. It is something very different. It is something very ... hm... evil. That's all that I can say. Not evil on purpose to be evil, but definitely evil by result and actually by intent, because it doesn't care for others, but only for its own ass, at any cost, including stepping over others. It is willing to do whatever it takes to save its own ass. There is no compassion, no thinking, no giving, no service, no "do the right thing" approach at all. It is simply:
*** my ass comes first and I will kill you if you are in my way. ***
OK, now let's go back to my grandma. She was an orphan, suddenly. Then she married an ortodox guy, although she was catholic. Catholic church wouldn't give her permission - so - she simply converted.
Then the WWII broke out and catholic church was going to kill her family because they were the "wrong" religion. So they had to flee - the hubby took off separately, camouflaged as a railorad worker (they almost caught him because his hands were too nice); and grandma and her mother put the Sunday pretty clothes on the kids (the oldest was around 5, the youngest 2), took a picnic basked with all the jewelery under the food, and went on a Sunday picnic - never to return. They took the train and followed the hubby to another country. They told kids to tell anyone that their names were the "right" religion names, so even the little 2 yr old had to remember to tell people petting him on the head that his name was now X, instead of Z. He almost stumbled and gave them away. Almost.
So - they arrived to the foreign country, they also wanted to kill them because they came from the "wrong religion" country - but they did ok - and then the hubby was killed, and then -
my grandma, her mom, and 3 little kids had to live with grandma's oldest daughter and her rich husband. They called that woman "aunty". Well, aunty put them in the basement - yap, her own mother, sister and 3 kids - made them clean and do laundry (back then, a huge operation with huge boiling cauldrons and ironing afterwards), didn't feed them, ... while she was partying upstairs, with TONS of food. She loved to eat a lot. (She was really fat, I saw her. I didn't know what she did when I first met her, as a child. But I knew instantly that she was fake and fishy, there was somethign "wrong" about her.) I don't remember how it actually went - did they have to pay rent to aunty and also do her chores out of thankfulness.
Meanwhile, WWII rages on. Bombings at night, curfview, raids, lack of food, etc. My mom and her grandma sleep in the same bed and one day my mom, as a small child, wakes up with a dead body next to her. My grandma walks for miles through villages around the town, to sell some of the jewelery for food. Going price: one egg for a gold coin. The little family is mostly hungry. Aunty's husband dies and she finds a live-in lover, and they certainly have enough food upstairs. But they don't let the kids even pick the apple tree in the yard.
Finally, the aunty is not even feeding them at all so kids go hungry and grandma has to put them into orphanage. My mom remembers that with horror. The kids were separated and hungry, while war and bombings was raging outside. Finally, the war is over and grandma gets a paid job cleaning the ruins after the bombings. She gets the kids out of the orphanage, gets a job as a telephone operator, and moves out. Eventually her company gave her a little apartment.
Aunty's lovey dovey came to grandma's new place to ask when they will come back to do the laundry? Grandma kicked him out.
Grandma did ok living in her small apartment for many years, alone (well, she did have a lover, secretly). Eventually the civil war broke out and inflation hit. With her small retirement pension, grandma went hungry, and eventually died from hunger. She never told my parents that she was out of food, she was too proud. My parents, on the other hand, should have guessed - it was no brainer!!!! common!!!! Grandma's monthly pension was enough to buy 1/2 gallon of milk. That's it. I think that my parents should have stepped forward on their own to help her out. Finally they did, when grandma was already so frail because she lost so much weight from not eating. The only good thing is that she softened from that experience. I guess being old and alone and poor really got to her. Also, her own son's family intentionally left her hungry. And her own son did some very terrible things to her. Grandma died disowning him. She admired him beyond measure before that.
So - as you can see, if I were in her shoes, would I be able to even comprehend all that evilness, all that selfishness. First, the war and all the killings and suffering, then her own sister mistreating her own mother and little kids. That's incomprehensible, is it? To us, because we never were in such situations. Lucky us, aren't we?
What does it take to forgive and forget all that? I know for sure that none of them ever forgave nor forgot. It's ok not to forget, but to not forgive - that's really a burden. Not forgiving made them so tight and rigid and closed off.
So - that's my background. I myself grew up with things similar to this, because I grew up in a very difficult situation myself, and it is a miracle I am even alive.
Well, so, I should be able to understand the Born Again Ignorant. My own parents neglected their own children and even more, were willing to sacrifice us to save their own ass. For example, out of their own selfishness and fear, both my mother and my father each almost had my brother literally killed, twice. So, yes, I have seen that kind of behavior before, Born Again Ignorant was not the first person ever who is so asleep and self centered.
I guess why it was so hard to accept it is because I was STILL dealing with such asleep, selfish personas. I shouldn't have to. All the work I have done so far should have produced a lot higher quality company. So, ultimately, the question becomes: what was wrong in me so that a leech like that can judge me as a suitable victim? Will I ever get to deal with some wiser people? Am I stuck forever on this level of reality with some trash? How will I ever succeed in getting higher?
Those are some heavy questions. The answer is very simple: live as if God is real. If so, then every problem has a solution and everything leads to something good.
Actually, that's why I *am* alive today. As a child, I remember being visited by something Higher that ensured me I was going to be ok. And I always trusted that. And I always was ok. God is Real, and good always wins. That's the Law.
It takes sometimes some effort to remember that. That's where meditation comes in. It helps Rememember.
This is the gradma whom I admired. She was totally cool and under control, invincible, strong, tough, proud, she didn't need anyone. Well, that was a fake front, I realize after all these years. At least she had a fathful audience in the gullible me. I never connected the dots that my prim and proper grandma had long flowing hair, thin stilleto heels, and bright red lipstick. She was a blonde bombshell, and right under my nose, pretending to be a prude good girl. Bolongney - grandma actually had a lover. I learned later, from my brother, whom she had no troubles telling such things. I suppose she never told me - why should she - her own daughter came home as a pregnant teenager, then took off and left the kid behind, and grandma raised the kid. On the other side, my aunt also took off and had to come back home. Seems like on both sides the lines are full of very beautiful, strong and healthy women - just like myself. My mom was lucky she was crippled, so she never got into trouble. I was lucky? or not lucky? that they brainwashed me in order to prevent the same thing happening to me. Well, it didn't really work.
I had too many troubles. After all these years I kinda realize why grandma's "lone ranger riding into the sunset" show was so enticing to me - she was invincible, and nothing could hurt her nor get to her. She was closed and protected, like an armored fort. I tried to emulate her, and of course, failed miserably.
The longer I live, the more I realize how life is really about something else - about being open, flexible, soft.
My grandma had little other choice but to put that front up. Her husband was killed in WWII and she had to raise and support 3 kids and her own mother on her own, during the WWII, in a "foreign" country to her. Her life was very very difficult, from early age, when she was an orphan.
Looking at my life today, how I react to things and what it takes to get to me, I can see that I probably would have not even lived if I were in her shoes. Yes, she had to survive somehow, and she choose the tough way, and it worked. I suppose there are other ways, like being Open and Surrendering. But for whatever reason, she didn't do it that way. Maybe she did and I never learned about it. Only God knows.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's not a human if it just looks like a human
In court, the judge and mediator treated me like dirt, and basically almost yelled at me, never letting me say what I had to say. When I brought in my (new) property manager who is male, suddenly - the whole treatment got a lot more respectful. They let him speak, and they let me speak after him.
So I had a man with me, which made me (a woman) a lot more credible "to the public."
The lady tenant brought a baby with her to court, so the judge and mediator bent over to ask them "when they would LIKE to move out" as if they deserved royal treatment.
Nobody asked me how I was paying the 2nd mortgage and where I came up with those extra $3622. Seems like I should have brought in a baby too.
Those crooks bought a new truck with the money they saved on rent, smoked expensive cigarettes one after another and the lady never went to work in evenings when her hubby came home. He did some illegal work on our building and got paid $2500. It doesn't sound at all that they were strapped for money. They got notice to move out or pay on Aug.5, and we were in court 2 weeks earlier because my ex-lawyer messed up, so they had 2 weeks already to move out. They cost me $3622 SO FAR. Will be another 400$ this week.
Meanwhile I had extra jobs all over the place, and totally wiped myself out, trying to earn the money.
The crook asked in court to stay 1 month longer (for free) and pay me 1/2 of owed money so far. What is thinking - that I am stupid? Apparently that's exactly what he is thinking - rightly so! He conned me so far, so many times. While we were waiting in the hallway at the court, he called me by my name and tried to pull my leg. In the court later he said he couldn't deal with me because of tension. What a straight lie - in that hallway he had NO trouble dealing with me. He initiated it - as soon as my property manager walked out and I was alone.
THis is the same crook who asked me (in writing) to give him $3000 in cash to move out, the same crook who threatened me by coming to my house, the same crook who threatened me two months before he stopped paying rent that he will stop paying because Hawaii rental laws are in favor of tenants - therefore he can do whatever he wants and cannot be evicted, etc.
Conclusion: society is blind and stupid, and there are definite stigmas as to how people see things, and definitely that leads to a lot of possibilities for playing games and manipulation.
I don't think these stereotypes will leave tomorrow, so we do need to know how to manipulate, however, we also need to educate and change the world.
Also, people love to hate someone, and to turn their attention towards that person and try to do them bad. They choose to hate someone who seems weaker and/or who seems willing to "take the shit".
This guy is trying to convince the court that he cannot work because of me, therefore he should stay there for free. What a FAT LIE. The Board of the building coaxed them into that. My feeling is that the judge etc also tried dumping it.
To me, the whole experience was totally caveman experience. Those people are way below Homo Sapiens.
That's life on Earth! And precisely that's why it is so bad.
**** THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS FOR THOSE PEOPLE IS PURE ANIMALISTIC APPROACH -
THEY TRY TO STEAL FROM YOU,
YOU HAVE TO THREATEN TO BEAT THEM UP. ONLY THEN THEY RUN AWAY.
There is absolutely NOTHING human in that. It's not a human. It is an animal. A primitive organism without higher thinking, feeling, consciensce, consciousness, compassion, objectivity, neutrality, service orientation, kindness, etc. all that is Higher that is a property of a Human Being.
So - when that gets changed, life on Earth will change. What we call "humans" just looks like humans, but has to actually BECOME human. Not to a perfection but to a sufficiently high degree of resemblance to the real thing.
(The real thing is a fully developed human being, like Jesus or Buddha. We won't become that any time soon :) We can try to resemble some smaller examples, and make steps towards BECOMING HUMAN.)
Labels: becoming human
Sunday, September 13, 2009
What could I tell her, so that she could understand where the standards are coming from? I told her that I am not a wall flower and definitely not shy, and that I am hot stuff and will require someone with integrity and also very kind. And, because I exist - so my pair must exist.
I just could not explain to her all about it, because it is too complicated. The jist of it is: I am a healer, a well trained Native healer. It means a lot of things, the most important one being: trying to Wake Up. So, my pair has to be someone trying to Wake Up. That limits the number of possible applicants.
Then, he has to be someone who can handle me and my lifestyle in particular. I live a Native lifestyle. That limits the applicants even more.
But - we don't want huge numbers, we want and need ONLY *** ONE ***. One man fits this description and he is rightfully mine.
God arranges everything. He pairs everything alive on this planet.
For the type of woman that I am, it is harder to find a pair, because I am a strong and intelligent person, and the man has to be self confident and genuine to be able to appreciate such power. Most men like to go for something that looks like easy catch and easy to handle.
Seems to me that that old era should end now. Strong women should become a norm again. Nuff Barbie doll types, who just softly meow and cuddle and serve you coffee and slippers.
It IS possible to be feminine AND strong. Actually, that is REQUIRED. Read Phoenicia Pathwork lectures. A woman who is too passive is incomplete, just like a man who is without any emotional life is incomplete.
The Born Again Christian who faked someone trying to Wake Up told me that he was different than others and I will surely recognize that.
Well, I do. I have never met such a rat in my entire life. Such "christians" are so scared and so self centered and so selfish and so full of bologney that it is amazing they even walk around alive. I have never met anything so fake and imposterous. They just take take take take, never give anything. Indeed - they are different. They are **WAY** more asleep than a lot of other asleep people.
So this is how you pick a guy - JUST LIKE YOU WOULD PICK A DOG OR CAT. You pick someone energetic and perky who has ability to greatly love just you.
So this is an eliminatory checklist for dating - as soon as you find any NOs to this, cross the guy out:
1. Does not drink or use any drugs in any way ( marihuana is a drug, yes)
2. Does not run around, flirt around, cheat, etc.
3. Does not have other obligations that prevent him from being around (his job, mother, ex-wife, car, hobbies, etc.)
4. Does not have illegal, gross, stupid, etc. interests: gambling, porn, dogmatic religion, guns, crime, etc.
5. Does not have any ambition or interests and just lies on the couch. Does not talk. Does not work.
6. Is not your boss, and preferably not a coworker.
This is a YES checklist:
1. Guy is clean in every way.
2. Has a job or some way of reliably making money, and is motivated and financially independent.
3. Strives to improve himself in every way, and esp. get closer to God. Prays and meditates. Works on himself. Talks things through. Forgives. Improves.
4. Healthy, active.
5. Has similar interests and lifestyle.
6. Loves you beyond measure and is always there for you.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
How nicely God works in our lives!
(LOL :) :) :) Yogananda has long hair and gentle face and a robe.)
Or, they say: "I know him! I saw his temple in Encinatas, this is the Swami, isn't it?"
One woman recently came to me, she has family here but lives in Los Angeles. She immediately "hooked up" with Yogananda. Then she emailed me saying she has a gift she was sending me. I totally forgot about it.
Then finally after like 3 weeks I went to my PO box and found - the Yogananda calendar for 2010, EXACTLY what I wanted to buy and could not find it locally!!! I had been looking for so long!!!!! I felt so thrilled, like I won a lottery!!! This woman made my day!!! Uncanilly - how Yogananda and God know what we need.
Then there was a letter inside - she accepted him as her Guru. I almost started crying - so privileged to have helped something that precious, like a midwife at a birth.
Labels: God works
Right now I am still relatively young and realtively beautiful but that lasts such a short time, doesn't it. It is a good thing I was never a social success and getting attention for my looks. I grew up wearing old clothes of other people, mostly my aunt's, and I never got to look into the mirror to see what I looked like until I was a graduate student assistant and needing to buy some clothes to teach in. That's the first time ever I got to have my own wardrobe, in my own colors. It was clothes from "on sale" but at least it was Patagonia sale. I still remember what it looked like - it was totally me. Green and khaki comfortable pants, short boxey roomy shirts in natural designs. It was very nice clothes, looking sporty and elegant.
Anyways, I digress.
I talked with a woman phsychologist about why girls don't go into math and science. We concluded that they are afraid of being labeled "not faminine" which is a big thing in the USA.
Although USA looks so emancipated, there is actually a lot of pressure on females to be like barbie dolls, pretty and "for playing". The adds with very explicit sex and violence done to women, the entertainment industry, everything.
WOMEN ARE SEEN AS SOMETHING TO BE USED.
Then my new friend said: and there is difference between classes. USA does have classes. Higher classes women have easier time, because their parents are professionals, so girls get support and examples and mentoring while growing up. Mid and lower classes women do not.
I said: YES. It made me think about my own past - the factory workers neighbors asking my mother why I was already 21 and not married, just getting old. I was one out of three to go to college out of my K 1-12 class of 60-90 people.
It made me think about the adult women I have been dealing with lately, and the whole layer of society I have been dealing with lately. They are the kind of that mid and lower classes. It struck me already before that somehow I had some roots and some upbringing, and they didn't. Somehow I came from a family that had "something." They seem to come from families that never taught them any discipline or manners or something higher, families that taught them rudeness to each other and grabbing and being mean. They are NOT kind nor responsive. Impressions matter. If they think you are lame, they are mean to you and make fun of you, bully you, show off, etc. That's all like greek to me - completely incomprehensible. I cannot even imagine why they live like that and how it is possible.
After talking with this psychologist, some other things are becoming apparent:
in that "lower" world, people are murky and confused, and the most important thing is their pride and their ego, keeping their turf and lookingn important, and NOT doing the right thing.
In that world, people are fragile. The only thing they have is their own little "me". For example, they never accept any responsibility for mistakes. They cannot handle it, they are weak.
Another thing that struck me is that I am arrogant - I know I am different, I know I am strong, and I don't care for the low stuff. And that disrespect shows.
I need to treat them more like a grown up would treat children - with a certain dose of forgiveness and also discipline, knowing that children must be dealt with in a certain way because they are children and incapable of anything else. Also, such asleep people are quite vicious and one has to be careful not to induce their bullying. They bully as soon as they get a sniff you are "weaker". "Weaker" means "kind and giving."
That forgiveness towards asleep world and letting things wash over and also being able to get things done in this asleep world. That's what I need to master.
Recently I had a good fortune to jump back to my "higher" world and deal with professionals. That is quite a different story. Much nicer, kinder story, story where things get done, on time, well, and kindly. IT HAS BEEN A RELIEF FOR ME. I feel like I am on my "planet" again.
I think there is a very strong correlation between level of spiritual maturity and level of success in life. People who are spiritually mature are more able to give, don't get bogged in worry, keep on pursuing their positive goals and God, and thus are more successful.
report from a visiting alien
there is a small claims court, for cases under $3500.
Here, a lawyer is about $150-250 per hour, often more.
So, it is typically not economical to hire a lawyer for small claims.
Also, lawyers do NOT want to take $3000 cases - it is too little money for them.
When tenants need to be evicted, a lawyer charges at least $1500 *just for eviction.
That entails: filling out several papers, giving them to court (about 2 hrs work plus trip to court) and showing up in court (another 1 hour). So an owner is better off doing it himself.
Then the owner has to go to small claims court and sue AGAIN to get the rent paid.
Very often, nothing gets paid back.
Small con artists and many "regular" citizens aka gray masses know this.
The tenants felt free to stay 2.5 months in my apartment for free and owe me $3500,
and the Board is feeling free to let my apartment get ruined and owes me $3100,
BECAUSE **** they carefully calculated what they can get away with.*****
They each owe me about $3500. So to hire a lawyer, is not economical. So they are counting
on just getting away with it.
Also, they are like animals - they try to scare you into letting them take away from you. The tenants who didn't pay me
rent for 2.5 months told court they feel entitled to it and asked for 45 days more staying for free, and threatened to sue.
The court mediator laughed.
The tenants feel justified and are thinking they can get away with it.
And this is how gray masses work!!!! They work on fear and intimidation, and grabbing.
My tenants threatened me telling me they won't pay rent. They eventually stopped paying rent.
And this is how stupid naive good citizens work - they think people are good and will behave properly.
I should have kicked those guys out a long time ago - they always paid rent late.
And this kind of thing needs to stop. We talk about evil etc but really what you have right here is
an example of how regular, normal people who are even trying to be "good" (the tenants "attend church") are actually making the whole life on Earth so murky.
The consequences are tremendous. On micro scale, the whole building is a transitory place, no tenants stay longer than 1-2 yrs because nobody likes living there, people who live there fight, the Board is doing whatever they want - noise, illegal exterior alterations (they are putting french doors that visibly change the uniformity of the building), etc.
In short, it is a sore spot, and in need of healing.
The whole Earth is like this! People just grabbing from each other. It is no different than an animal. Human beings are supposed to be more evolved than that.
Human being are supposed to be beings, bot bullies.
Bullies are whimps who try to intimidate because they carefully calculated you are weaker. One bully gave me a great insight into how their thinking works: they judge you as a "kind and giving person".
When someone treats you worse when you treat them well, it is a sign of major inner need of healing.
A true human being treats you well, always, and even better when you treat them well. A true human responds kindly to kindness, and responds kindly in any case anyways.
That is something that we need to work for on Earth - to be human beings.
I asked her: how do you know he is not Mr. Right? Please quantify. Your gut tells you, and what is your head saying, what are the tell-tale signs?
She thought for a long time and said: HE IS NOT A GIVER. He is nice to me, because he wants to woo me. He is nice to his kids. But he could care less for anyone else - waiters, cashiers, etc. He would never do something for someone juse because they needed help. He just is not kind to anyone who is not "important". He doesn't give!
She earlier also told me that the guy was a "christian" and tried leaving books for her on the counter. When she said she wouldn't read them because it is dogma, he called her "naive." WEll, it is obvious they don't respect each other, is it. His basic belief system is something she disrespects and vice versa. This is definitely NOT Mr. Right, that's clear. MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BASED ON THE COMMON SPIRITUAL GOALS.
.... This made me think. It reminded me of the Born Again Ignorant whom I dated last year. He had the same problem - complete and utter selfishness, ass kissing when he wanted something, and bailing when he didn't want it anymore. He could give his speeches, or his money, but he never gave his attention nor his heart. The only thing that he was occupied with was his own ass - is he going to hell or heaven? HE WAS (and still is, most likely) SCARED. Too scared for his own survival to be able to pay attention to anyone else.
So I said to my friend: YES, THAT IS THE TELL TALE SIGN OF THE "CHRISTIANS". They are into Christianity because it brings them a gain - Jesus died to save them, so now they are "saved" and off the hook and going to heaven for sure.
If this "christian" deal were to be cancelled and there was no more gain, all those "christians" would become anything else - ANYTHING - that would bring them something for nothing. They live their life just to get something for themselves. There is nothing about giving.
They kiss ass to God and Jesus only because they think they are getting something in return.
And that's how these "christians" live their lives, in anything they do -
IF THERE IS GAIN TO BE GAINED, IF THERE IS SOME FEAR THAT MOTIVATES THEM, THEY DO IT. OTHERWISE, NO.
My friend said, laughing: stop calling this guy "Born Again Christian". Call him a name - like, Rob.
I said: OK, if you want that, he had a name in Serbian slang, which is actually a legit word in Croatian, shtakor. Lose translation is: OLD RAT.
She rolled laughing.
Monday, September 7, 2009
the mind is afraid of God
me: ... "and then when you meditate, you focus your attention on God."
mom: "What God?! I am down here, he is up there and what do I have to do with him?!"
The conversation between me and Born Again Ignorant:
BAI, in a very emotional, scared, hushed tone of voice: ..."if you don't obey God, you will go to hell!!!"
me: "How are you so sure, how can you verify that?"
BAI, in a very emotional, awed, hushed tone of voice: ..."and if you obey, you will go to Heaven."
me: "How are you so sure, how can you verify that?"
BAI: ..."all those who don't accept Jesus as their savior, are sure to go to hell, and they are NOT children of god."
me: "So Dalai Lama is going to hell?? I am going to hell? and we are not children of God??"
BAI, in a very snide appologetic, cold tone of voice: "I never said that. I am just quoting what the Bible says."
My mom to me: "Honey, you need to tell him: we are going together - to hell or to heaven. But you going to heaven and me going to hell - that's unacceptable."
My mom to me: "Honey, don't worry. Hell is not what it used to be. It's actually quite comfortable now. Now there is no more boiling cauldrons, it's all central heating.
They serve good food and drinks. And all interesting people go there.
And that BAI, for what he believes in, he is going to Hell for sure. Jesus must be crying because of what he and his church believe in. It's opposite from Christianity."
me: "Hm, if he is going to hell, and we are going to hell??..."
My mom: "He and his church are the people who serve food and drinks in hell."
So, before I ditched the BAI as unacceptable company, I understood what he was afraid of. I was wondering why he is so afraid of God and hell, and I got the answer. Several times, I sat in my bed at night VERY AFRAID of where I was going to go when I die. I am sure that's how those dogmatic brainwashing churches get their victims. They are like children afraid of the boogeyman.
Wondering where I was going to go after I die and/or being afraid of that has never happened to me. Somehow deep down I KNOW I am going somewhere good, and I KNOW that God watches over me. It is so deeply ingrained in me. I am just 100% SURE I am a child of God and he takes care of me. Someone like BAI must have some really bad memories of past lives and "hell" where they must have been, if they are so afraid. Also, their lives are 100% fake and that certainly must make them feel afraid of God, they must sense that they are actually abusing God and messing up His Creation. No wonder they fear "wrath of god."
I am not a saint and I am definitely stuck down here just like everyone else. I too have trouble meditating, focusing on God, etc. Yet, somewhere deep down, I am very sure I am a child of God and very focused on God and totally sure that I am a lot more than just my body. Actually all my life is based on that - I am not just my body. That's why I am so different than other people and that's why I live differently. The part of me knowing I am plugged into God is something that is not as pronounced - I know it deeply but do not live it as much as I would like to. Now I am working to bring it more to the surface.
Recently I had some insights into how it all works. Since I am a lot more knowledgeable now and a lot more determined to get where I am going - enlightement - I tried meditating, trying to connect with God, and was very afraid. This is actually the first time in my life that I get to see how the ego works. It is deathly scared.
I had experiences where I realized that my mind would NOT allow me to focus and meditate. It was afraid that "I" - better yet - IT - was dieing. And yes, it would mean a lot less freedom for it. In fact, no freedom. Something else would take control. I don't even know what that something else is. It's called Higher Self. What it is - dunno! Something that interfaces between "me" in physical, and God.
There is a specific way to get there, Paramahansa Yogananda teaches it. What is uncanny is that one of my clients "saw" during a bodywork session exactly what Y. says should be seen, in exactly the right spot.
The funny thing which I do not understand is how it is possible for me to say: "ok, I understand there is fear. I see it. Now I intend to put it aside and go for God." I can do that for about 15 mins, then I lose it - and quite lose it. I am definitely not strong, my will is undeveloped, I cannot concentrate, and this fear is quite strong. Yet there is another desire that is strong too. It needs to be awakened and nourished. It does NOT happen automatically. The path of least resistance is to have a lazy undisciplined mind which wanders all over like "a cow in mischief". It takes EFFORT to pull the reigns.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
He also said to not do more than I can do.
It made me think. "No complaining" policy is the same thing as the "refrain from expressing negative emotions" taught in Gurdjieff Work. Or "no sniveling" posted on the wall of Tracker School. Or "don't be moody. Be cheerfully optimistic and positive and fulfill your duties in that way" taught by Paramahansa Yogananda.
So - they are all onto something. Something big!
They all talk about negative emotions as major obstacle to our awakening. Buddhists call negative emotions "poisons", Yogananda calls them "wild predatory beasts in the jugle of our uncoscious" (this is my paraphrasing it, something along those lines), and Gurdjieff Work talks about "inner considering", i.e. always thinking of our own ass first and only, and always sniveling about others that are not kissing our ass enough - people mistreating us, weather being bad, circumstances against us, etc.
Like my tenants. They haven't paid rent for 2 months. He did some pretty bad stuff at his work, from what I heard, which certainly won't bring him new customers.
What are they doing? They are living in my apartment for free, feeling completely justified, smoking one cigarette after another, and blackmailing me to give them money to move out, because they consider me responsible for their lack of work, because I told the Board of the building that they haven't paid rent on time for 3 months. The fact is that the guy did not pay rent and furthermore lied to me about it, I have it in writing, and I told the Board after them doing that for 3 months. Seems like he did similar things at work, and it is his fault that he has no work.
The woman didn't make an effort to go out and find work for herself.
They just buy cigarettes with the money they saved on not paying rent. They also bought a nice big new truck. That's quite bad.
This "something for nothing" and "feeling sorry for oneself" and a complete denial of the truth, covering it up in order to avoid work, are real diseases in man. This behavior is similar to the financial fiasco lately in the USA, where people were buying houses with no money down and having expensive mortgages.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
being a real Christian - related to letting go and bullying posts
about living one's life in double standards and guilt and fear (catholics) and forcing oneself into stark existence using guilt and fear (protestants). For example, Italians are known for sleeping around, which they consider sin, but they still do it and live happily ever after, feeling guilty, because church allows them to say confession, pay the dues, and keep on doing the same thing. They feel guilty and they continue to sin, and that's how their lives are in just about everything.
Eastern Ortodox church just doesn't do such a good job at scaring so many followers into blindly following something rigid and limiting. Unfortunately for the church, because it is less popular i.e. financially backed up and powerfully influential. Fortunately for the church, because it preserved something Real and is more beneficial to people. That's good karma. Catholic church is straight from hell, it damages people for life, it scares them into feeling guilty and obedient and yet it allows people to continue doing clearly wrong things, which further increases feeling of guilt and dependence on the "forgiveness" from the church, so churchh charges (very high) dues to do this "forgiveness brokerage" between man and God. What a racket!
So, anyways, if you have read my blog you have already met the Prim and Proper Christian, the Born Again Impotent and Ignorant dude who hid his churchianity and joined my meditation group and tried to sneak up on me as someone real and date me. I found out as soon as I started questioning his weird behavior. He was so full of guilt and fear that he could not function properly. But he felt as a real christian. Proud! Although he hasn't spoken with his own children for 10 years (on his own initiative - he didn't like the kids anymore after divorce), etc.
This is a person who didn't have enough presence to love anything and anyone, including being nice to a cat for a minute. He certainly did not forgive me the smallest thing. He was just .... obsessed with himself and his membership in the christian club where you get to do as you please as long as you parrot politically correct words and pay the dues. Even more, in his Born Again Impotent club, parroting was not enough. They had to actually BELIEVE it, and be afraid. And he was. COntinuing to do awful stuff was ok, as long as he was feeling afraid and guilty and hooked on party line.
So, recently my aunt died. She suffered a lot for a while, and my father took care of her almost every day for a few hours. He made long trips to visit her, brought her fresh fruit, and stood by her bed, fed her, held her hand, etc. (and bugged the nurses too, seems like - he questioned what they were doing or not doing). But anyways - he took care of her, because he loved her. In her wild youth, she wasn't always so nice to him. He is deaf and it is easy not to be nice to him - everyone back home was very rude to him. My dad is super intelligent and has 2 college degrees. But - in the very primitive country like ours, at that time, being deaf was really a bad shameful thing, and so they treated him as if he were mentally retarded in a very very openly rude way. I was watching all that as a child and was always appaled by how cruel and rude people can be. Many were enjoying openly making fun of my father. Many enjoyed showing off at his expense, by putting him down. Many tried to take advantage of him financially, etc.
So I said to my mom: wow, he forgave all that?
My mom said, and in a very confessional voice: well, you know, we are real Christians.
She said that my father never took on any of that bad stuff. Somehow it never touched him.
She made me think. Indeed, she is correct. Everyone makes fun of my father. Yet - he never takes it on. That's true.
That's very great, isn't it.
They both are like it. My own mother took care of my grandma, her mother in law. when she was dieing. This mother in law was so malicious and so caustic and poisonous, it was terrible living with her, and esp. her attacking my mother (and me), and the two of them fightning. My mother was less than examplary after years of that, it got to her. She wasn't a saint anyways and this bad environment made her do some really mean things. Yet it was my mother who took care of this evil person dieing. To the end. And without any grudges, it was all forgotten, like a sore that healed. Also of her own mother, who was nothing nice to her. I just watched.
We had a neighbor girl whose parents were divorced, which, back then, was a total and complete rarity. The girl had behavioral problems for sure. One day she was teasing me - just for the sake of annoying me - that my dad was deaf. I just beat her up! I came home and found my parents sitting on the edge of the porch in the late afternoon sun, holding hands and looking happy. I told them why I was so upset. They both smiled. My mother said in a very calm and peaceful tone, with a smile and something very warm and compassionate, something very understanding in the energy of her voice and presence: DONT MIND WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT YOUR FATHER, THATS IRRELEVANT. YOUR FATHER IS OK. AND, DONT YOU SEE, SHE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE A FATHER.
an explanation of what it means to "let go"
So, I never learned how to let go. I have never seen anyone do it. (Recently I have.) Since I lack some fundamental training in it, I had to really study it.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LET GO?
Hawaiian ho'oponopono teaches letting go. The just is: let me step out of your way so that you can get to your highest good, and me too.
So I know it intellectually and on some level, and I practiced it and it works. Never really done it very deeply, though.
What forced me into studying it is the monstruous encounter with The Born Again Ignorant. It was a huge blow to my sense of reality. I could not comprehend that something exists like that, that there is something that looks like a human being walking around but practicing and believing in all that nazi stuff. It is incomprehensible to me that someone would BELIEVE in and PRACTICE discriminationm and even feel proud and justified. It is not a human being. And I spent time with that?? I felt like I stepped into shit and got dirty all over.
So my mentors said to let it go. It was all like Greek to me. I had no clue what exactly is involved in "letting go."
SO, here is me, an alien trying to decipher the words "let go." WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LET GO.
So, here is my research findings so far.
First, not letting go is a synonym for keeping grudges. It means complaining, and complaining means blaming. Blaming means no self responsibility, spiritual impotence and ignorance. It means not believing in God.
Second, not letting go means mulling over in one's head - over and over and over and over and over and OVER again - the same old complaining bitching thoughts, and completely forgetting about God, about Oneness, about Love, about Greater Intelligence, about everything and anything Higher.
Not letting go means being disconnected from God and completely lost is self centerdness.
IT IS LIKE FEELING WITH YOUR TONGUE THE TOOTH THAT HURTS. YOU KEEP ON TOUCHING IT WITH YOUR TONGUE, AND FEELING IT HURTING. This action doesn't help at all, just increases the pain. And it is a very sick enjoyment.
And a distraction - you are unplugged from God and plugged into a very enticing soap opera drama, with YOU as the main actor and audience. Very flattering.
SO THAT IS HOW YOU LET GO: STOP TOUCHING THAT ACHEY TOOTH WITH YOUR TONGUE.
JUST *STOP*. THEN FOCUS BACK ON GOD.
This whole issue is related to the undisciplined lazy mind that likes to indulge in pleasures of dubious quality. I wrote about that in an earlier post.
So that's how you let go: when you start thinking the same thing over and over again, you just say: OK, I thought about this already, and I am DONE. Let's move on to something else. What is the productive useful thought I need to be thinking now? Let me see - let me review that music practice, think how to organize my closets, think what to cook next, etc. Have I been aware of God in this last minute? Let me focus on God again.
And that's it.
Example: you start thinking: how could this person believe in such crap, how could he/she behave like that, how could I have been so stupid to step into that shit, how...
And then you realize - hey, I have been thinking this for 5 mins already and I am getting a headache and tight abdomen, and it is not solving anything. STOP.
What do I need to be thinking about? I need to be thinking about how to advertise my business more effectively, manage my apartment, prepare my next lecture, write a grant proposal for increasing number of women in sciences and engineering, etc. Those are things that are going to better me and everyone else. And, I need to focus on God.
And then you do it. I think about what to teach, who to hire, where I'd like to go next, how to improve my business, should I join BNI or not, etc. Then I think about God. That is always a good and necessary thought to think about.
So that's the recepie for success - just bring back the thoughts to God.
Just this paragraph is written much later, on 9/12/2009:
What happened after I focused my attention on God is that I started doing things which are good for me. I changed jobs, environments, people. Met so many wonderful people. I feel properly used - they treat me well, I have something to give them, and I do. Suddenly life is new and schiney again. I am busy with worthwhile projects, giving, that truely make me happy. That's a secret to happiness.
PS - sometimes we have very good reasons to be tempted to not let go. For example, my family. They were rich merchants and close to the king before the WWII. They were the ruling class and had everything. When WWII came, and all their good life was over.
No wonder that they were upset. Esp. because they were able to defend themselves and make their influence grow under several earlier wars, incl. Turskish wars and WWI. During WWI, the whole family (as well as whatever was left of Serbian army) walked on foot in winter, hungry and injured, through high mountains, for many months, escaping the Austrians. Finally they came to the island Krf, where they were nursed back to health and then jumped back into the fight and kicked Austrians out. And got their country and property back. Of course, destroyed by the war. But at least - theirs. They nursed it back to health and prosperity. Then WWII comes and all of it is gone again. This time, even worse - they are made into poor people without any rights, furthermore, they are harassed.
Bummer! No wonder they were pissed off.
But then comes a point where things need to be let go. Energetically, this is always required.
Sometimes in works in physical. After some 55 years, the family that moved in and just took over my family's house finally had to give the house back to the owners. Yes, in communism they just made someone else move into your house. The intruders lived in it, for free, for 55 years. Finally that house is returned back to my family. My cousin got it. They had to wait about 10 years, suing in court to get it back.
It is difficult task, to let go energetically and not let go of wealth and status physically, for years. It's hard! Even a saint would have to work at that one.
a theathrise into bullying
So my tenants decided not to pay rent for two months. That's a "great" plan, they saved $3000 - at my expense. I was too nice with them - they paid rent every month late, and eventually did not pay at all. On my side, it was a combination of wanting things to work out, they had a baby shortly after they moved in, I didn't want any trouble because I was too busy, the guy scared me because he'd come to my house and I'd have to meet him alone, etc. etc. So - the cost of me being so nice (and scared and rosey glassed) is that I am completely broke. They financially ruined me. Not to mention the Board of that building, who hasn't repaired some damages to my apartment for almost 3 months and that cost me no rent income. Before that, their unannounced no-dog policy cost me another 2 months of rent. All in all - a bunch of bullies. They figured out they can do it, and they went for it. And they got me - so far. Now I am in a corner and ready to fight to defend myself.
So - let's study bullying and bullies. Like we would study insects - something very different that needs a close examination under a magnifying glass.
========== STAGE 1: The naive me tries to comprehend that someone indeed is trying to "kill" me. That concept doesn't exist in my world so it is hard to understand. ===
The issue is the building where I own, where the Board is run by an angry woman with history of alcohol abuse. She works with absentee owners of 6 out of 12 units in the building and has their proxies; so she can do what she wants, unless all other owners vote for the same thing, which is highly improbable. She has the other two Board members cornered, because those two have done illegal alterations to the building exterior and are motivated to "cooperate" in order not to have to change it back. All 3 live in the building. The official property management company helps all of them to hide their tracks legally. The gang leader hates me for an unknown reason, I barely know her.
The Board - who was just this gang leader before- didn't do repairs and let my unit flood 3 times, never repaired anything, and finally the last time let it sit so long that it HAD to be repaired. But she hired her son in law, who is not a handyman, stopped repairs for a whole month, etc so it took 2.5 months instead of 2 weeks. The management company laundered the receipts. I could not rent while it was being repaired, it was a mess. At the end, the gang leader blamed me for everything that happened - as if I didn't repair, hired her son in law, etc. That is so amazingly incredible lie straight into face, and what is more interesting, this person actually BELIEVES it. She somehow hypnotized herself into not seeing anything bad about her. As if she done her part. I have it all documented in writing what actually happened, with photographs too. Now the new Board is refusing to pay me back for lost rent because she told them so. Also, she - they - also fueled my tenants into not paying rent for 2 months and playing hardballs, blackmailing me for $3000 and threatening to sue me for slander because I told the Board that they didn't pay rent on time. I TOLD THE BOARD AFTER THREE SUBSEQUENT MONTHS OF THEM NOT PAYING RENT ON TIME.
So, their problem is that they are doing illegal things and feeling fine about it and even justified in attacking and hurting others in order to cover their tracks.
My problem so far was that I could not comprehend how a human being can foresake their duties, e.g. paying rent and taking care of the building (our dues are 343$ per month!!!) and even be so beligerant to attack in order to cover their tracks. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? That is not a human being. It is something else - something vicious that cannot be called a human being. Something alien.
They cost me about 10K so far, I had to leave my dreams and get a day job in order to pay all this. They cost me health, stress, lots of running around, etc. I will be jeopardizing my new job, missing new employee orientation in order to go to eviction court next week. The problem is that I feel guilty when I don't perform up to 100% and other people exploit that.
The court system seems to make possible such slimeballs, because they are very good in manipulation and lies. The last time I was in court, I was patiently waiting for my turn to speak and it never came. The "mediation" we did in court was completely illegal - I was allowed to speak one sentence, which I said calmly, then asked out of the room, and I never was conveyed what the other party said, who was rather loud and passionate. The mediator decided that I must be guilty because I was so quiet and probably told the judge, because the judge just yelled at me and never allowed me to speak. (Later I realized how it works - I didn't file somethng properly so judge *had* to dismiss my case. However, he dismissed it in a very rude way, because he sensed he could dump it.)
So this is a very strange world we live in. It seems like some degree of something - some cunning - is necessary because the predators are enabled and running rampant. Our society enables predators. That's the major problem.
My problem is that so far they got me, and that's why they enjoy poking me. They enjoy seeing someone suffer. That's sick.
This building has a history of such bad management. The only time it was managed correctly was when I was the President, then I stop the illegalities and repaired the building (it was leaking and every unit got wet - but nobody cared for the tenants). As soon as the building was repaired, they took me down and continued doing illegal stuff. Again, it was one crazy person, former druggie, who was a master of ralying others against others to serve his personal gains. He had to eventually leave the county because of his criminal activities.
Why do I own there? because I bought it cheap and am saving it as a retirement investment. The prices are literally double now and I cannot afford to buy another one.
So this curse on the building needs to break. Somehow. I wonder what the best way is. The only way includes change of something internal in me, where they don't get the satisfaction of "getting me" anymore. That feeds them. So far, I tried inner work and it is not working, because I am getting really nasty emails from them. I need to try better. How and what Also, how and what externally - sue them, etc.
========== STAGE 2: BIG "AHA!" Milica begins to understand the mechanics of it ==========
There is a Phoenicia Pathwork lecture about how unhealed people need pain, either inflicting it upon others and/or upon ourselves.
Bullies thrive on making and seeing people suffer. Something very sick inside gets satisfaction from that.
Also, bullies carefully calculate who will NOT bite them back, and that's who they attack.
There is a true story of a woman who was captured by bandits, who tortured her. One day she realized that she is not her body, that she belongs to God, and so the bandits have no power over her. The second she felt that, they left her alone.
So I practiced this this morning and it works. I had a peaceful productive morning, focusing on getting my job done.
Then, all of the sudden a lot very personal hate email came from the gang leader person. She sensed that I "unplugged" and is trying to hook me back in. I can feel it as her grabbing for my solar plexus. She needs to feed off me.
So that's how it works - she enjoys inflicting pain on others and herself, and I used to accept pain being inflicted upon me. I was beaten as a child and it comes from that. During the last Vision Quest, I had a lot of opportunities to mull over that and decide it is over. The change is incredible. Unhooking from this bully is my chance to really transcend something from the past.
BTW - a qualification for any spiritual aspirant should be doing at least one VQ per year. They are extremely powerful. Shamanic knowledge requires training in neutral objectivity, otherwise some people take it all personally and effectively act as a dark shaman. In other words, it is not good enough to be a shaman. One has to be a saint.
Also, there is something in me that does not strike back, naturally, it feels that it is wrong, and it naturally turns the other cheek. Even if I complain and protest - and I do - I wish the person well. That is a Law that I believe in.
People feel that and that's another reason why they strike - they will get something they want, attention. Also, they get a chance to act powerful, to have power over someone else. That really tiltilates asleep people.
So, how do we learn to ACT like we are going to bite and we mean it?
Also, sometimes we do have to fight. How do we fight?
=========== STAGE 3: DIGGING DEEPER ============
When we point at someone else, we point at them with one finger and at ourselves with 2 fingers. Try it: point at someone with your index finger. Where are your other fingers?
So, it occurred to me that perhaps the gang leader was harassing me not because she needed me hooked. Was it ME who was calling her to hook into me?
Looking back at my life, when calamities like these happen, it is because I am doing something wrong and Something Higher is kicking me back to the right track.
Either that, OR I am self sabotaging, OR both.
I suspect that it is me creating the building problems. Usually my intent overpowers everyone else's. (That's the problem with doing spiritual work but not doing it deep enough and long enough and supervised closely enough to transcend the negative internal qualities - we are capable of creating but not strong enough to let God supervise it. So, it is really necessary to meditate and pray regularly and talk with God all the time. For me, Gurdjieff Work and Paramahansa Yogananda are instrumental to keep me on the right track.)
Something in me needs me to fail, and creates chaos and trouble. So far I was not able to catch it except once, in neurolinguistic programming guided visualization. It looks like a thief - dressed all in black, sneaking around, checking all my internal "files" and making sure to steal/destroy everything which is not according to the specs.
The specs for some reason say that I must fail. I have been taught that by my family, and am doing it to myself now. (Reminds me of a teenage movie I saw, about a cursed girl. It was a hillarious movie, teenage movie but set in medival England, so all habits were from today but cosumes were from then. The girl lost her mother when young and was cursed by her wicked godmother to do as other people tell her. So her stepsisters told her to stab the handome prince with a knife when he comes to give her a hug. The curse was broken only when she had the inner strength to break it, herself. She loved the handsome prince so much and at the moment she was going to stab him she remembered the words of her mother: which exactly I don't remember, it was something like: believe in yourself.
So I catch myself being like that cursed girl, and I do not see how it works under the radar. The only thing that I can see is the radar screen when it is too late - as soon as I consciously think that something in my life is going well, it almost immediately gets destroyed.
I really need to transcend that. During the last Vision Quest, I saw a lot of situations/people who trained me to be abused, and was able to move beyond some of it. It is quite phenomenal what happens - my posture improved.
Also, If I need to change something in my life, and am not acting on it, problems will make me so. Like, I was not supposed to live on the East Coast, I was supposed to go out West. Right now, if I am not supposed to be in Hawaii anymore, or if I am supposed to do something different here in Hawaii, I better move my butt or else it will be kicked. Should I sell that apartment? Should I ... ???
============ STAGE 4: Oh. =====================
So it is up to me to have that presence to actually unhook.
============ STAGE 5: Where else is this operating in my life? =========
Hey, this hooking business seems familiar. Yes.....
So Born Again Ignorant prayed for me and then stopped when he left - but then he prayed that I missed him. He prayed for ravenge. Not really consciously, I think.
It is understandable - he wanted something which he could not get. However, praying for ravenge is not love. He was feeding off our breakup and thinking how he "showed me" when he instantly choose "christianity" instead of me. It made him feel bigger and more important. Where in reality, he is nobody and nothing and has importance ZERO. He became important because he harassed someone and made them pay attention.
Or the other playboy who is after me but not really, he never approached me, he just looks, he just enjoys my attraction and keeps it to make himself inflated. Someone likes him so he uses it to feel important.
All those people are feeding off someone else and not giving back one thing. They enjoy someone feeding them energetically. They feel who they can hook into and then go for it.
I am sure I am doing that too in my life, because I am asleep too. However, I seem to at least TRY to not be doing it as much. After all, I am a healer. Not by proclamation but by some internal wiring. My mom says I am noble, strict and fair. That's a compliment, when it comes from a mother who knows you well, and esp. my mother, who is not very fond of me as a person. She gets irritated with my quest for Truth, she likes to sweep things under the rug and I most certainly don't. My whole life is about bringing things from under the rug into the light of the day.
I was just a lot luckier not to have such traumatic experiences so it is easier for me to bring Truth out. My parents grew up with bombings and death and starving during WWII and the tough communist years later, and people disappearing to torture chambers because they said a wrong thing. No wonder my parents are not into bringing the monsters out from under the rug. It probably would take a lot for them to "digest" all that swept away stuff. However - that's the only way to heal it.
Isn't it wonderful, so lucky, to be this cocky like me - someone who grew up in peace and feels completely justified to be dealing with Higher Things in Life.
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