Saturday, November 28, 2009

some strategies for selecting a boyfriend

I have two single lady neighbors. One is rather young (maybe in her late 20s, early 30s), and the other one is late 40s. The young one is what you would call "a hot chick", completely decked out with makeup and super tight clothes at all times. The older one is a surfer, sporty type.

I witnessed their boyfriend procedure in action through several cycles, with initial failures and eventual success, so now I can present you with a true-and-tested procedure that WORKS.

This is how they handle the men issue:

when they are without a boyfriend, they start having parties at their home.

This is the protocol:
Have a party and invite people over. The young one is a good cook so she invites everyone for a dinner. The older one invites them to watch TV and drink beer.

Invite many guys, and MAYBE one another lady. The host lady makes sure he invites at most one lady who is a true and tested ally, and the guys have to compete.
If there is another lady, it is a good friend of the host lady, and the two of them have a plan - the visiting lady is after a guy whom the host lady is not after. In other words, ladies never compete.
While the hunt is at the "party" stage, there is a lot of traffic around the host lady home - guys stop by, the other ally lady stops by, there are frequent parties, everyone stays late and talks about piquant topics.
There is loud music, food, lots of talking.
The guests always arrive at night and stay quite late.

Well, at first everyone leaves all toghether. After a few parties, one guy will stay after everyone else leaves. That's the one the lady keeps.

And then - there is no more parties, no more stopping by, the ally lady doesn't stop by. The host lady disappears with her catch. Everything goes quiet.

The next time there is a party, it is because the guy is gone and the boyfriend slot is open.

I saw this algorithm in action many times.

The " beer and TV party" lady first got a beer and TV guy, who just sat there watching TV by himself. He was unsuitable because the lady is NOT into beer and TV. When she is alone, she never watches tv. She just uses TV as an excuse to invite them over. She likes to talk.
After I explained to her that she needs to tone down the TV part in order to get a better catch, and she did, she found someone exactly like her - someone with a very loud voice who loves to talk - and I haven't heard from them in many months now. They are living happily ever after.

The young one first attracted some pot smoking blonde surf dudes. They are good looking and awful. At least they were quiter than her last boyfriend, who was intelligent, "cute" and completely selfish, rude and wicked pot head. She smoked too. I had to yell at them to stop. I hate that smell. There is something so evil in it, something that just puts you to sleep and sucks your soul out.
Finally, after many repetitions of the above algorithm, there is someone who is quiet, nice, and treats her well, I just saw them walk out together, and there is no pot smell. The guy said hi to me and he seems nice and quietly happy. She is all happy too. I heard them eat dinner together, and it sounds like they are happy together. This lady is actually a good householder and needs a stable, solid guy. Maybe she found him! The happy end, hopefully.

Meanwhile, I am thinking: who wants me. Most males want some demour, easy-to-catch, nice and pleasing female. On the contrary, I am like a wild pony, strong and ... hm.. wild! Only a very strong guy will be able to appreciate a tiger like that. Who is that guy?

On the other hand: my sporty neighbor is not demour, and she found some guy who is exactly like her. And sometimes I hear her ribbing him :) Deserved or not, I cannot tell :)

On another hand, I am a lot more gentle than most. I have taught my demour girly girl neighbor to affectionately talk to her pet. My flowers and my pet are totally pampered and gloriously beautiful. Unfortunately, I am just too giving and if the recipient is someone who is immature, they take it for granted and try to abuse it. So that's why I don't hang out with the crowd - most are too cruel.

For most, that's the hard part to comprehend, that something can be so super gentle and so super strong, like silk. It really is like a tiger - it cann shred you to pieces, and it can purr and cuddle. Who can handle that kind of responsibility? - maybe only another tiger... ? Only someone really mature, someone truly male, who can appreciate being pampered and step up to the responsibility of deserving the pampering. That would be a real man. Where is that real man?

Friday, November 27, 2009

smart is beautiful

So, I invented "smart is beautiful" slogan for attracting women to computer science.
Wow. Some people loved it, and some just hated it.

Here is a conversation with someone smart from MIT who hates "beautiful" and thinks that "smart is superb" is a good slogan. I dislike "smart is superb".

>>>> >>>>> To effectively attract women to CS, a good place to start is to look at reasons why women choose to depart from the technical fields.

Milica: Seems like we all agree - either it's not what we like to do, or it is just too much trouble - unsupportive environment and a job that is meaningless.The second case seems prevalent.

>>>>>>>>> One factor that can be important to choosing a field, is the sort of community one will join, and to that end it is helpful to show very clearly that there is a supportive environment to be found. Additionally, many are motivated in choice of interest by the opportunity to do something quite useful in the world, and I am not sure that a good job is done at the highschool or pre-highschool levels, of conveying that CS is meaningful and rewarding work in that regard.


>>>>>>>>>>>>> So, from that perspective, I would suggest phrases like "Smart is Superb: you are not alone. Join the smartest women on earth at changing the world. Computer Science."

Milica: Hm, now you are repulsing me :) This sounds like "uncle sam wants you" :)
"Smart is superb" sounds very nazi to me :) the supremacy theory.

>>>>>>> Well, to be sure -- that was also a highly effective slogan. Why do you find it repulsive? I find that slogan repulsive because it was a call to war, which is not the same as a call to computer science.
from Merriam Webster, "superb": "marked to the highest degree by grandeur, excellence,brilliance, or competence" Which I think is fairly spot-on for meaning and connotation.(I don't see any elitism --or nazism-- here; superb is all-welcoming) Feel free to suggest an alternative word you feel more comfortable with

Milica: "Join the smartest women on earth" also sounds very arrogant. As if artists,accountants, house wives and all other women on earth are not one of the smartest. They are. We all are.

>>>>>> Yeah, I spent less time thinking about this part. Let's say it's optional, and I'd welcome your re-write

Milica: Seems like it is back to the drawing board for more slogans :) Thanks for the feedback, M.

=========ROUND 2 ==========

from Merriam Webster, "superb": "marked to the highest degree by grandeur, excellence,>>> brilliance, or competence"
** Hm, I disagree. It is saying that everyone who is NOT smart is no good. It is spot-on arrogant.

>>>>>>Wait, not at all -- for example, is saying "Smart is beautiful" the same as saying that "everyone who is NOT beautiful is no good?" It's not even contained in the phrase.

Milica: People are smart in many different ways. What is "smart"? We think it is high IQ. But someone with high IQ can be quite stupid :)

>>>>>>Yep, this is all true! How do you intend to apply these thoughts to the recruitment effort?

Milica: It has to be a word that includes everyone and doesn't make anyone better than others. Also, it should compliment and make people feel good about themselves. It should be a word that includes the heart and the spirit.


Milica: Smart is something to be proud of? cheesy
Smart is good for you :)
Smart is employable - now that is spot on :)

>>>>>>hmm, also reprehensible. Dreaming only to be one day employed denies the myriad of possibilities of what can do in life -- founding startups, or NGOs and non-profits for example. Additionally, I wouldn't recommend leading one's life with the goal of becoming useful to someone else (e.g. employable).

The idea is to inspire love for computer science, right?

=========ROUND 3===========

No, "smart is beautiful" is saying that smart is beautiful, and the word "beautiful" has many shades of meaning.

I walk in beauty
beauty is before me
beauty is behind me
above and below.

We refer to people as "beautiful" when they do good deeds, etc.
Also when they are pretty, when they are graceful, etc.
When a product is elegant, like a nice proof, solution, etc.
"beautiful" is a word that is used for awe, being affectionate, etc. so it has a certain something about it.

There is also "beauty is not skin deep" and so the word "beauty" has a certain depth to it. It is a deep concept, beauty. Beauty of God, beauty of Creation, beauty of human spirit, beauty of our feelings, as well as physical beauty of surroundings, beautiful face, beautiful clothes, beautiful dinner, etc. Beauty has many descriptions. It has a certain Higher quality to it.

If I had used the word "pretty" then it would be dumb and exclusive because it is strictly personal, physical and subjective and makes so many people feel miserable about themselves.

"Superb" is like that when applied to people - arrogant. If you applied to a product/machine/ etc then it would be ok - smart engineering is superb to bad engineering. But this person is superb to that person - is arrogant. It's not possible to judge people like that, unless you are God.

"Employable" is not a good word, I didn't look too far. I did have in mind self employment etc. And I am a big advocate for self employment. The scary part is these corporations employing and deploying people at whim.

So maybe:
smart succeeds - this one sounds very good, actually. It could work for anything.
smart is successful
smart without limits - better to put it into positive
smart is creative
smart is making smart choices - this one sounds good too; for someone it will be working for 200K for some nasty corp monster, and for some it will be staying home with kids or having their own company
Love for comp sci. Hm. The main idea was to make people feel neutral and good about comp sci, to consider is just like everything else - no better and no worse. One more choice to consider.
It's like - hey, you didn't see this choice before, but it is a good and valid choice, check it out.

"Love" for it is a lot bigger goal :)

The first step is not to repulse people who have bad stereotypes in their head.

So, the goal is to break the stereotypes and to project a different stereotype. Sorry, but that's what it all about :) Too many people are rather stupid and WILL WORK ONLY ON STEREOTYPES :) So we have to give them a more palatable stereotype :) :) :)

My 2 cents worth

============ROUND 4 ==========
hey, after reviewing what we discussed, things are becoming clearer to me, thanks to your questions.

First, my intent is to just peak their interest. To "open the door" and present Comp Sci as a valid, valuable choice. Then, they are welcome to walk in and explore.

First we need to attract them, saying: hey, we are not monsters in here, this stuff is good, you can join in!
Because, that's what they are thinking when they become a psychologist or nurse or whatever. They can see themselves in that role. But comp sci - first of all, what does it look like???? Is it some nerds in white coats eating pizza over computer keyboards at 2am??? What is it actually, that comp sci thing???

But they won't even ask that question, because their mind already wrote it off, because they have a vague idea it IS some (male) nerds over keyboards at 2am who never used deodorant and should not be seen eating in public and will go on a date with a robot. Something like that. The image is fuzzy in their heads but this is the feel of it.

So, our message is:

It is a good fun group to work with
It has a lot of potential and high rewards
You _can join the group
Overall, it is a good choice.
So - come in and check us out.

So, maybe the slogan is:

smart career choice: computer science

Join many smart women in changing the world through technology

So - that leaves smart women in other fields respected, and says what we do, etc.

Then, phase 2: once they are kinda intrigued, then we catch them with "interesting stuff" so that they actually begin to like this kind of stuff and eventually love it.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

what we talked about in the healing school

Corinne would be proud of me.

Long time ago, in the IM School of Healing Arts, we talked a lot about how we make a decision to be ... hm, how to say it properly... proactive, alive, present in our lives.

Finally I got it. It really is like that - making a decision.

Something happened to me and I was feeling very low. My healing mentor Harry told me I was low on a certain nutrient and I had to go get it asap, take it as a pill. Well, my body should be producing that nutrient.

I asked Harry: what is causing the deficiency? How can it be prevented? And he didn't know.

So, I thought to myself: when was the last time I felt like this? When I had the same symptoms? What was going on in my life?

Then I remembered Gurdjieff work: how G talks about how human organism is like a fine machine, very intricate mechanism, and how it produces energy on which we live and also extra energy from which we grow finer bodies. ANd how negative emotions are like setting explosions in that fine factory, and destroying entire supplies of energy, leaving us tired and depleted and exausted.

It made me think... connecting the dots... I prayed. Very intensely. Something was listening.
I realized that my problems were because I haven't prayed in a long time. I didn't want to. God messed up, I messed up, and it seemed pointless to pray and meditate. God set me up with all kinds of stupid people and the whole situation is pretty bleak. I felt alone amongst insane. And God made it so. I didnt wanna talk to God and I "stayed in my room" sulking. But lack of contact with God was killing me.
So I realized that and realized I need that spiritual vibe asap, I need it to live.

Then I went home and googled Dala Lama, and luckily found him on youtube. I listened to Dalai Lama speeches and I got the answer to my question, what kind of negative emotion was destroying my supplies of energy and what was necessary to heal that.

The problem was because I was getting very angry with cruelty and stupidities that people do. Like the association not fixing my apartment, like tenants not paying rent, destroying my unit and even harassing me on the street, like Born Again hiding his religious beliefs from me, etc. I cannot comprehend why someone would be so creepy to cheat like that. It just is incomprehensible. It made me very angry. The Auyrvedic doctor told me that a while ago, I didn't really understand it, now I do; he was correct. I could not comprehend why people can be so cruel and stupid, and not understanding that, I was getting very angry. Not having some sane influence around me, I felt really isolated and alone, which made me even angrier and more desolate. I felt alone in hell called life on Earth.
I was often told I am "wired differently" "as a healer." Apparently, being sane and normal and totally abnormal on this planet.... where most people are not really human. They are something else, something stupid and cruel and unaware.

I don't know why and how I am different, but I am different. Listening to Dalai Lama made me feel so comforted. FINALLY THERE WAS ONE SANE PERSON TO TALK WITH. Dalai Lama was like a breath of fresh air. What he said made sense. FINALLY SOMEONE SANE. I was not alone in this hell called life on Earth. I was relieved.

So I just switched the switch, internally. Yes, you just ask for it, and it happens. I realized I was making exactly the mistake that Dalai Lama mentioned - anger, and I decided I wanted to go the route that Dalai Lama was recommending -opening the heart in compassion, because it is the only right way. So -

I fell asleep while listening to Dalai Lama speaking, and I woke up completely different. Like a totally different person. Totally refreshed.

Now I was grading and getting angry again - how can students be so careless - but again - not everyone is intelligent. And most youngsters these days don't know how to study. So - threading lightly and compassionately - and persistently.

Like Thich Nat Han: combination of slow like a snail and lethal like heavy machinery.
Like tai chi masters: like an iron chain - flexible and heavy.


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dalai Lama is healing

I came from work feeling very bad, all upset and torn, and then I watched Dalai Lama video. Again, I fell asleep, and woke up completely "erased" as if I was never upset. I could not even remember what to be upset about. I was feeling peaceful and confident.

There are several things: first, what Dalai Lama was talking about made sense. First he spoke about children, and I personally say and believe exactly what he says. So it was comforting to see someone else who has the same world view. Dalai Lama was an example of sanity and good human values.

It was already past midnight and I was tired, so, not surprisingly, I fell asleep towards the end of his talk.

I watched many other shorter videos of him on you tube. It was actually interesting, to see a different "side" of him - from very animated, almost irritated, to being very nice in a company of a very nice female reporter, to sarcastically poking and teasing some "Chinese professors" in the audience, to glowing with happiness when McCain was reading hus statement of support of Tibet. In short, Dalai Lama is quite human.

But his eyes are something else, they are like little fires. There is something in them. Also, when he talks about some Buddhist teachings, there is so much depth in the eyes. It is amazing. Many videos I watched, I just watched Dalai Lama's eyes. Incredible.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Is healing others possible?

Today I had two experiences. I spoke with Alice McDowell, a spiritual guide who works in Ithaca Light on the Hill retreat center. She didn't have any solutions for my problem. She just listened and said a few things and offered a few ideas. Her mere presence was soothing and clarifying. She cares for me. That' s all that matters. Then I can calm down and the solutions come to me, naturally, from my own Source. So, talking with Alice was like a breath of fresh air. I was completely different. Just after 20 mins of interaction with her.

Then I had an encounter with a "shaman" kind of person who loves to "heal others". He offered himself and his buddies (whom he didn't even ask) to "do a healing on me" to help me with a certain issue. He diagnosed my problem as forcing my own will and offered help with that.

My response:

So I am wondering who is asking whom :) It is not possible to heal anyone, isn't that clear to you? The only person anyone can heal is only themselves. By offering to "heal" me, you are actually saying that I am "broken" and you are not, and thus you will perform this magic and fix me. It is a very very arrogant and very dangerous position to be oh-so-good and running around fixing others who are broken.

You are playing hookey and avoiding your own Work.

So, instead of "doing something to others to fix them" you need to do some Inner Work on yourself.

You can always say a prayer for me. Seems like one of the things I need help with is breaking a certain "curse" that makes me always self sabotage. The bottom line of that, just like the bottom line for everyone, is to have my will be the will of God. Just like Jesus prayed - not mine, but Thy will be done.

That is the common thread between any human, and you oh so great healer, are not an exempt to that either. You also, just like me, just like anyone else, need to work on that "Thy will be done."

Don't you see, you cannot help me, nor anyone else, unless you help yourself first. That ain't a little Phil 8 workshop..... It's a lot more demanding. You can say a prayer for someone else, but 99.99% of your time should be in your own meditation and prayer.

Anyways, I think we talked it over and I am done on my side. You are in this "fix others" camp and I am done with that stage in life. I cannot fix others. I can only Work on myself. That helps others, indirectly.

Why don't you pray and meditate and surrender to Inner Vision yourself :)

I will know when you actually do it, because your mere presence will be healing. There will be a certain presence inside.


Judging by what is posted here
American Federal Government efforts
toward "improving" education
have much more to do with
evaluation of students and teachers against
politically determined criteria
than with learning that will allow the student
to do something useful.
Nothing in the document that I can find
discusses curiosity or other motivation to succeed,
or taking initiative,
or evaluating multiple biased information sources,
or debate,
or dealing with moral ambiguity and incomplete information,
or originality,
or collaboration among students,
or the idea that one might want
a mixture of skills
that complement one another
on a professional team
instead of a bunch of identically trained people.
Students may be tested to the point of
passivity and disinterest.
Who would blame them for rebellion?
It is very easy to be critical.
It is not as easy to
suggest a better alternative.
So assuming for the sake of discussion
that the politics could be dealt with,
what might a better alternative look like?
Yes girls, yes math and science,
but more generally what education now
do we think would be better for the future?
Have countries other than America
come up with a better alternative
that could be used in America too?

indeed different

Long time ago, Old Rat Born Again Mario told me that I will surely notice that he is different than any other men. He meant "better".

I actually notice that he is different than any other men: he is the worst kind I have ever seen. Any contact with such shit is detrimental.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

smart is beautiful

It's quite apparent what the value is in something so obscure and mysterious as "smart is beautiful" - it lets everyone see their own idea of it.

Some people see sexy chicks, some see elegant science, some see pretty female faces, some see - whatever you see. My male nerd colleagues loved it because it allows them in the "beautiful" picture too. It can fit anyone.

It certainly wasn't meant as "sexy chicks" or "pretty female faces". If you are reading it that way, you are simplifying it, dragging it down into something it isn't.

So a statement like that is a little of a koan, you need to relax your mind and go into it and kinda meditate on it. If you are getting defensive immediately, it is hitting a button in you and needs a little reflection.

The intent behind the statement is to open something inside, and to think wider and deeper, to get something beautiful in. To feel the beauty in oneself, science, computers, and life in general.

And to finish, there is a Navajo song:

I walk in beauty.Beauty is before me, Beauty is behind me,Above and below.

Engineer Girl -
Engineer Your Life -
Girls are I.T. -

Dalai Lama

Just watched "DalaiLama Reneissance" movie, vol 1.

Dalai Lama has incredible eyes - alive and sharp.

He says some major "nasty" stuff and then laughs and makes it light. So he gives you an impression of being a childish clown, but in reality he has stabbed you with some profound truths. I guess this is a technique to not let the ego realize something is happening to it and to then kick back. It diffuses the tension.

What he says rings true.

How other people treat him is often fake. I guess we don't know how to handle a saint. Also, perhpaps people are acting the way they think they should? Or his presence makes them into something else? I don't know. I will find out when I meet Dalai Lama.

The best part of the movie is Dalai Lama. Then the shots of life on streets in India. The shots of Westerners talking about Dalai Lama or their own stuff, is kinda - well - superflous. I was wondering why anyone would make a movie on that. I concluded: because other Westerners need to hear about what it is like to be a part of that Dalai Lama world, and to perhaps get enticed into it. Otherwise, they themeselves are not capable of seeing anything in Dalai Lama. He has to be "marketed" to them. That's my educated guess. Also, that we Westerners need to watch ourselves in action, to see how incapable we are of synthesis and collaboration, because we don't have the training, and we are not used to living it.

Added later: what was obvious is that the "leading alternative thinkers of the Western world" had very very little clue about anything. As human beings, they are a little too tight and too fake. In comparison, Dalai Lama is alive and real.

Do you notice the quality of my writing now? I am present. That's the kind of effect someone like Dalai Lama has on you, on me.
I was thinking as I was watching the movie: hey, how about moving to Dharmsala. How fast I could develop in presence of someone so high. Then I thought - is it my place to be there. Is that my assignment.

I am remembering only now my conclusions about me earlier in the day - how primitive I am, selfish, self centered, egoistical. Very low. If I am unsatisfied, I am cranky and spoiling everyone's day, I want it to be known that I am off and that I need attention. If I want attention, I get it at work, where people did not choose to deal with me and where people cannot escape.

And so on - extremely egoistical to the point of view of being destructive, for the sake of my own okole.

To be truthful, these strategies I leared at home, my family used them - both my grandma and my mother were "sick" and in bed every weekend and my father had to bring tea and food to their bed. They magically got healthy and fine on Monday morning, when my mother went to work and my grandma had the house to herself.

So I am used to this. But I never liked it. But I do it myself. Because I was used to it. Now is the time to stop all that.

Another thing that Dalai Lama made me think about is this win-win situation. The Tibetan solution has to be good for both Tibetans and Chinese.

I was wondering about my approach to solving Born Again friend issue. I identified that stuff as the major cause of his inability to love, and I gave him an ultimatum - to quit that stuff or quit me. He chose quitting me without even thinking, literally in a milisecond. Immediatelly. During the film, I wondered what would have happened if I let him be, if I gave him more time and space to get out of that bad habit. But again - Dalai Lama took 20 yrs with Chinese, and no results yet. Still, that approach, that concept intrigued me.
Born Again admitted that he was praying that I convert into it, so he was quite millitant himself.

I am a little afraid that he is going to show up out of blue again, He has a habit of doing that - causing major upheaval and destruction, he disappears, then as soon as I recover and line up other guys and live my life happily ever after - he appears out of blue and bombs (into) my life. I guess this time he is permanently done. What is amazing is that he has no ability to love. None.

Monday, November 16, 2009

self observation

Lately, it is easier to observe myself, as if I were observing a movie. At the same time, I am the character from the movie and I experience everything that is happening. So, it is like having split attention. That's Inner Work. Something is engaged at the physical level - this part reacts, identifies, etc., and something Higher Observes everything neutrally and objectively in the moment.

I saw many things in this movie. I experienced myself as being a really possessive, intense girlfriend - did he leave me a message? Checking like every 15 mins and feeling very agitated and angry if he didn't. Definitely, pitta behavior, if you know auyrvedic medicine. Pushy, hot, intense, demanding, cruel, territorial.

Wanting attention and to be noticed. After someone at work looked at me with a certain dreamy look, I felt very alarmed. I realized it is not fair to receive attention from people who I work with, because they did NOT choose to be with me, they are stuck with me so I better be considerate and leave them alone.

Feeling upset and sad about the clickish nature of the African dance community - they are a tight circle and also it is either become one of them OR stay out; there is no middle. They cannot just dance with anyone. I don't want to be their friend, and I don't want to be an outsider. I just want to dance with them. That should be ok.

Feeling sad, feeling rejected, feeling angry, feeling - all kinds of feelings. Observing others and my reactions to them and their reactions to me. Somehow everything has SLOWED DOWN and it is easier to watch this movie of my life.

I guess this is happening because I made a Decision to get married soon. First, to find a date for that dance party next week and to have a good time. I am working on it.

So, when such a big Decision is made, something happens, and God shows you where you need to improve to make your dreams come true.


Today I gave G books to someone and their friend found them and liked them. What a coincidence....

There are never any coincidences. I feel like my job is just to show up and do my work. Everything is arranged for me. To the last detail.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The healing effects of music

The post that I wrote earlier was written while listening to Buena Vista Social Club CD, which has music from Cuba. It is nice music, but. It produces a certain emotional effect, it reallies up the emotions, and actually muddies up the mind.

I felt it. I felt that what I was writing was not quite right and that I HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS WRITING ABOUT. For example, I have no idea if the party boy came looking for me. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was. Who knows, except God? So why bother even thinking about it.

So then I realized that my mind was all cluttered because of that music and I put in some Tibetan chanting. Instantly, my whole being is rejuvenated, my mind is clear, and I can work productively.

Interesting, isn't it.

I knew this from before, because when I was painting my Native American drum, I was listening to radio and Eric Clapton was on, and I felt completelly zonked out, drugged out, all foggy in my head. I could not paint the drum. So I put on some Tibetan flute music and voila - my mind cleared up and I could work.

I also know that if I listen to rock-n-roll and it "sounds good" it is because I am in a total wacko state of mind, i.e. neurotic, angry, pent up, etc. Also, when I am in that state, meditative music sounds too slow. That's my first sign that I have gone off the deep end.

When I am feeling right, then meditative music feels good and anything else feels bad.
And, my cat confirms that. When she listens to something, it means music is healing. Her favorite is Tibetan Lama Tashi chanting.

You can also probably feel the different quality in how I am writing now - it feels more present, because I am more present, because of the music. It was my intent to get out of the fuzzy state, and music was a helper.

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how to play a human instrument

The bad part about being noticeable is creeps.

One of those parties & girls' boys also noticed me, he was looking at my okole during dance, which is a nuisance. Today he came to lurk around my work place. But he never came close, just hang around close enough to be seen, but never so close to say hi. I went to restroom and by the time I came back, he was gone.

What a stupid strategy for courting. He does not even talk with me. How would he be able to have a relationship with me?? Only 13 yr olds meet by just looking at each other across a room. Mature people interact and talk.

Also, how does he even know that he wants ME? He never talks with me and doesn't even know me. He looks at my shaking my okole during dance, that's it. So, he wants my okole? It's a small dance class, so there are no super good dancers in there and also no "stars" who like to flirt with the audience, so I guess he is left looking at what is available.

If shaking okole is the only thing that he likes/knows about me, then -- what good is this person for? He is happy to see a shaking okole, but how many hours of the week is that. How about the rest of the hours? Especially those mundane, boring daily moments, and those moments that are difficult and demanding. How about taking the garbage out, washing dishes, rushing off to work, coming home tired, having a bad day, disagreeing about what to have for dinner and what to do with the money, and god forbid even more important things, like feeding babies at 2am and raising children.

This guy has no clue about relationships, about openly showing affection, about being giving, about being committed, about respect, responsibility, working things out, Inner Work, consideration, etc.

This kind of immature courting just leaves me with something in my throat, it just seems a waste of time and human life, and makes me worried and scared. Many years ago, this person told me I was old and ugly. I haven't gotten any younger since then. Did he run out of 20yr olds and is now desoletly chasing 45yr olds? And/or he is the kind that judges you based on how you shake your okole?
This is a man my age who behaves as if he were 15 at most, and hangs out with 20yr olds, goes regularly to Burning Man festivals, etc. Very creepy.
His courting also includes trying to make me jelous in public by flirting with other women (shall I say: young girls half my age), etc. He stares at my butt, when I don't respond (who sane would?) then he immediatelly goes to find refuge in another skirt and makes sure everyone notices. Yuck.
He gives me creeps and makes me feel bad. Best to avoid such trash.

I feel drained even thinking about it. This is one of those examples of people who don't qualify because they are like vultures, waiting for you to slip and drop into their lap. Even thinking about it is exausting. Why waste time analyzing someone's stupidity.

Either a guy likes you and wants to spend time with you, in which case you interact and make decisions based on that, or he doesn't, in which case you competely forget him.


On the opposite side of the spectrum, a mature man who is nice and courteous towards me and openly shows affection is like a breath of fresh air, like warm sunschine, so healing and positive. This kind of courting is like medicine. I met one recently, he acknowledged me and respected me. He even passed the test of difficult situation, i.e. he stayed kind through something difficult we worked together on. His treatment is kind, so warm, and produces a positive kind of reaction, where I can be kind and courteous to him, and then the cycle feeds infinitely into the positive side and leads into healing. That's a real man. He treats me well and from that I blossom.
This is a business associate, so he is protected by law :) That is hillarious, someone nice shows up and they are off limits. Oh well. In any case, I got a good male friend whom I respect and vice versa.
Old Rat Born Again was many times like this, and that's why I was hanging out with a him - it is very healing to have such a relationship with a man, where we both Work on ourselves and work things out and grow stronger and better through our interaction. It worked somewhat all right (well - somewhat because all Inner Work was initiated by me, so definitely he wasn't quite ready) until we reached the point of his religion. Then - ....


What I concluded is that I am like an instrument, and only someone who knows how to play well should play. Then beautiful music comes out of me.

If someone who has no clue grabs this instrument, like that immature 40yr old teenager or the Old Rat Born Again Mario, then they just wreck the whole thing, they beat on it, they pull parts off, they make the instrument screech and disintegrate. It's like mauling a guitar or a violin or ukulele - it sounds awful. Or playing the drum in a muddy way.

I need someone who can play me well, treat me well, and get all the beautiful tones out of me.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

you know what happens when you make a decision?

You know what happens when you make a decision? Suddenly things start moving in that direction. Everything old and junkey gets cleaned up and new things appear and life moves on in a positive direction.
Then old ghosts from the past start creeping up from inside you, and you lose the momentum. Then it is very important to keep the aim steady and keep on going for it.

Case study: so, once I made a decision that I was going to find a husband, asap (there is someone out there who is "meant to be" but I don't know who it is. It is like looking at a wast sea and trying to distinguish which wave is your wave. They all look like they could be it, but how do you know? If there was some elders around to help me, that would be nice. I am alone and left to my own devices in picking the husband for me. It is a very very difficult thing, to make decisions like that, without any support from more experienced and more objective and wiser older people. Luckily, I do have some elders that I can ask for advice and introduce candidates to.)

Well, once I made a decision that I won't waste a single second anymore on the candidates that are clearly wrong, like Old Rat Born Again Ignorant Mario, or the local party boy, or some other guys who are definitely neither putting any effort in nor are suitable in terms of their lifestyles - since they are not moving on it, I can ignore them. So far, I was ingoring them, but always wondering what they are up to. I don't have to be wondering anymore. They are not up to anything. They are just looking at me from afar, like vultures, hoping I'd make a wrong step and fall into their lap. So, forget them - they are just wasting my energy. I need to pay attention to the real serious candidates who are putting in effort, who clearly demonstrate they like me and want to be around me and ask me to spend time with them, do things together, etc. If I nurture those kind of connections with real, serious men, if I become more friends with such people, I will get to know someone well enough to be able to make the next step and fall in love and live happily ever after. Someone will be very lucky and very happy to get me, and vice versa. I need to pay attention and find the guy.

Well, as soon as I made that decision to stop reacting to the shady characters from the past and the present, and to move on and with bright eyes look at serious, real guys and pick one for marriage -

you know what happens?
First, the shady characters lose any power. They are gone. They don't matter anymore. I don't notice them, because I am busy living my life.
Second, I am having fun. Suddenly my life is a lot better, higher quality. The cobwebs are gone. Third, what is amazing, is that suddenly I am NOT thinking about who to marry anymore, I am just enjoying my life, fearlessly talking and interacting with everyone, including nice single guys. The effects are numerous:
professionally, I advance and people take me more seriously.
Personally, everyone notices me.
Romantically, suddenly men notice me as a woman, and start making nice comments about it.
(Even the unsuitable guys who so far never put a single effort to actually talk to me are trying to talk with me. ) Perhaps I look more approachable, or they smell something, I don't know. Men are like dogs - they somehow smell when a woman is looking for a mate, and they answer that call. They are excellent mirrors - based on how men treat you, you can tell how you are doing.

In my case, I had a "ban on men". I am not sure how to deal with them, so I avoid them. I can deal with them in the business context where I am safe and the rules are clear. Dealing with them in social context esp when romantic overtones are involved - was the most difficult thing for me and I avoided it at all costs. And I am very very good at hiding and running away and pushing people away. For a guy to talk with me, is next to impossible. First, finding me is practically impossible, and second, talking with me in social context is practically impossible.

The decision I made a few days ago was to stop running away from this problem and to face it.

It is as if I was hidden behind something, and now that something is gone, and people can actually SEE me. So they notice I am nice, and they say it. And what is amazing is that I do not ask for it nor depend on it. I am not dressing nor behaving in a way that would attract attention. I am just the same old me, but a lot more alive and confident inside.

It is nice to be acknowledged, but I am living my life for me, and also to serve others.

I was at a high-middle school event on Friday, with zillions of kids, and it was such a pleasure and privilege to deal with them. I love kids. There is something about them that is deeply touching, and I am honored whenever I deal with children, it is so wonderful to serve them.

Friday, November 13, 2009

? unknown

I have no idea what is going to happen now. I just know that I made a decision, and when that happens, there are always consequences.

I decided this:
the candidates that I have around me are not cutting it. And I have been lazy in putting in effort to find someone suitable. So I need to put some effort to find someone more suitable. So, I have made a decision that I will go on dates and be serious about this. And finally get married soon, it's time.

I am already noticing that I am getting more serious about this because the pattern is always: when someone who looks suitable and asks me out shows up on the horizon, I become very ansy and distressed (because I hate making romantic decisions - because I mostly made bad ones so far...) and then I start checking the guy and testing him. Well, someone showed up and passed the first test - he actually was kind and considerate to me in a situation difficult for him. That's a good sign. This guy might even make it, who knows. But again - I know him via business so he is out of question for going out with. The only chance he has is to work with me and somehow becomes a super deep long lasting love that results in marriage.

But, someone will show up, since I made a decision. This kind and proactive guy actually helped me make that decision.

Now - who shows up is a mystery. The last time I made this kind of decision, I had person X in mind and actively went to pursue him, but then ended up with person Y, completely out of blue and totally unexpected. I didn't even know person Y. I just chopped veggies for one hour with this person and he ended up asking me out because he liked my nice skin. Well, after dealing with the Old Rat, I don't have nice skin anymore. That's sad.

This time I will be smarter, hopefully I have learned something by now :) the hard way. Very hard way, unfortunately. I wish I was smarter. But again - we learn as we grow.

There is a dance next week in the local gym and I will find a date to go out with. How about that. When have I done that the last time? About 20 yrs ago ....

There is hope :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Children are the adornment of the world

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

da kazu svi mnogo je bilo je suza svud
dosta se lilo na svetu vec
lose je bilo
sad dobro ce bit

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili to

Djeco kako bi bilo da znate
kako bi skocile plate
svako bi zivio
svoj vlastiti san

i ne bi tad
bilo ni rata
a ko je sam
dali bi mu brata
i sav bi strah
skinuli s vrata
jer jer bio bi mir

duge frizure i ....
muziku ko sto volimo mi

2 i 2 bice sest
ko je spor bice vest

bice to
slucaj cest
svaki dan
dobra vest

mozda bi nam moglo
jednokoje? stize
resiti za uvek ovu stvar

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili
ruke da spletu i nikada igru ne zavrse
ne prekinu san

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

Arsen Dedic

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world,
made a decision that

it was enough tears already
enough spilled tears everywhere
it was bad
now it's going to be good

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world,
made a decision about this

Children, if you would know
how much salaries would go up
everyone would live up
their own dreams

And there would be no war
and who is alone
would get a brother
and all fears
would get off our back
because because it would be peace

2 and 2 would be 6
who is slow would be fast

it will be an ordinary occurence
every day
good news

maybe we could
solve this thing for good

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world, made a decision about this

Oh, if all the people in world, made a decision
to hold hands together and never to finish playing
never to interrupt the dreams

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world, made a decision about this

by Arsen Dedic, contemporary singer and poet from what is now called Croatia

Nema sveta ni planete There is no world nor a planet
Gde ne može stići dete where a child cannot go
Jer sve dečje staze vode because paths of all children lead
Od igre do slobode from play to freedom

Cveće je ukras bašte Flowers are adornment of a garden
Leptir je ukras cveta Butterfly is adornment of a flower
A deca puna mašte And children full of imagination
Deca suUkras sveta Children are adornment of the world

Lepe pesme tihe tajne Beautiful songs quiet secrets
Sve ljubavi važne sjajne all childrens' loves illumined
Neka planu nek' se rode let them flame let them be born
Od igre do slobode from play to freedom

Cveće je ukras bašte Flowers are adornment of garden
Leptir je ukras cveta Butternfly is adornment of flower
A deca puna mašte And children full of imagination
Deca suUkras sveta children are adornment of the world.

Ljubivoje Ršumović by Ljubivoje Rshumovich

U svetu postoji jedno carstvo,u njemu caruje drugarstvo.U njemu je sve lepo u njemu je sve nežno,U njemu se sve raduje!U njemu je sve lepo u njemu je sve nežno,U njemu se sve raduje!Tamo su kuće od čokolade,Prozori su od marmeladeTamo svako radi ono sta hoćeTamo raste svako voće.U svetu postoji jedno carstvo U njemu caruje drugarstvo U njemu caruje drugarstvo ...

There is a kingdom in the world, in which friendship is the king. There everything is beautiful there everything is gentle, there everything rejoices.


Preserving Native cultures; Balkan music

Wanna hear Balkan music? The kind that jazz musicians here like to immitate. Here is kids TV show for learning Serbian alphabet. They sing words starting with A,B, V (those are the first 3 letters of cirilic).

I will translate this to English when I can:
Ovo je vrlo vazna stvar, mnogo vaznija nego samo decija emisija na TV.Koliko ja shvatam, sa americkim bombardovanjem je nastupila americka okupacija u smislu da je americka kultura totalno preokupirala Srbiju. To mora da prestane, inace ce Srbi da izumru kao jedna nacija i kultura. Tako amerikanci vladaju celim svetom - namecu svoju kulturu, svoje misljenje, svoje proizvode, koje mi onda kupujemo jer razmisljamo isto kao oni. To vodi u propast. Vrlo je vazno da folklor ostane, i jos jvaznije, jedan nacin razmisljanja i misljenja koji je "razlicit" nego ono sto se namece kroz americku propagandu, koja pretvara coveka u kupca, u slepu masinu koja kupuje komfor bez obzira na posledice. Amerikanac vidi sve kao svoju imovinu kojom moze da vlada, i sve na ovom svetu je da njegovom dupetu bude ugodno, tako da je svaka konsideracija drugih totalno nepoznata stvar. Amerikanac ima pare i on radi sta hoce. Zato su nas i bombardovali - oni smatraju da mogu da rade sta hoce gde god hoce.To je smrt coveka kao coveka. Tako se ponasa samo dete od 2-3 godine koje jos nije naucilo lepe manire, disciplinu, ljubaznost, obzir prema drugima, itd. U Americi je vrlo tesko odrasti malo vise od tog nivoa deteta od 2-3 godine jer je ceo sistem sracunat da drzi coveka na tom nivou - jer tako nezrela odrasla osoba koja ima pare ih onda trosi na razne gluposti, a to je ovde glavna stvar - da se sve pare potrose na razne gluposti. To dovodi to toga da je vazno nekako skupiti pare i potrositi ih na razne gluposti, i onda su posledice da je porodica raspala stvar, da su skole raspala stvar, i celom nacijom vladaju reklame i soping (i droge). Situacija je vrlo cupava, i posledica je tog mentaliteta kupca koji se aktivno gura ovde. Vrlo ga je tesko izbeci ako ne znas o cemu se radi. Posto su kompanije sa glupostima ovde skroz iscedile Amerikance i ovde niko vise nema para (a ni posla) onda su krenuli da cede ostali deo sveta. Prodace vam razne gluposti, a kad vas uniste materijalno i dusevno i fizicki, onda ce krenuti na nove teritorije. Covek mora da zna o cemu se radi i da vodi racuna i da se cuva i da cuva svoje.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

gotta get married

Well, the consensus is that I am going to get married, asap. Except, the question is, to whom?

It is extremely comical because all possible scenarios and situations are completely off. It is such an amazing black comedy, parody, name it whatever you want. I have never seen anything so hillarious in my life. Because, the line is very long and there are zillion guys trying and/or hoping, and it is extremely comical because so many find me sexy and go for it, and not because I tried - like the example of those tight black pants that I wrote about before - or the elevator guy - I was waiting to go down, so I was in front of the elevator and he came out of it and just STARED at me like he saw ... whatever - some hot chick :) Or the day I wore the shiney blouse, and suddenly everyone wanted to hang out with me.... Or when I went to Home Depot and there was 3 guys wanting to help me. You can never get anyone to help you at Home Depot. Suddenly, there are 3 guys in front of me, fighting who will help me. There are just too many situations like that and it is just hillarious because I am not causing it, it just happens - I guess because I am alive and perky - and finally life has thrown me into situations where I meet a lot of men, so I *have to* deal with them although I would rather avoid it - and have been very successfully avoiding for years :) To get to talk to me is practically impossible and I am very very good at avoiding anyone hitting on me. I am _so super good that nobody can come even close. That's why I am still not married :)

And now - because of my new job I am forced into dealing with zillions of people, and so - I have to deal with men.
This is partially because of me. As younger, I was sickly and thin and shy and unkept and nobody ever noticed me. Men started noticing me just recently, just since 2006. Something happened in 2006 - Vision Quest - which forced me into dealing with men. Read my posts about that :) That story is SO hillarious that you cannot find a movie with a better plot.... Anyways, ever since then, I had to deal with men. Born Again "christian" was actually the first man I talked with and dealt with after many years, and it was good that he got me back into talking/dealing with men. But he was the only one I had to deal with since 2006. Now it is 2009 and I have to deal with many. One of the reasons is that they are finding me because I look really good after all the dancing and drumming, and also all the Inner Work and meditation causes something softer and calmer inside, so I am now quite perky and healthy and even nice, and it shows. It is attractive.

So, it is so hilarious because I am completely inexperienced and quickly learning the ropes, and there is such a line of people trying to catch me, yet nobody knows how. What is hillarious is that I am from a different planet so they have no clue how to catch me. Their tries in catching me and my reactions to their behavior are super funny. Sometimes I like them and it shows, sometimes I dislike them and it shows, sometimes I am neutral or scared, etc. Very often their reactions are completely strange to me. I do not hang out with people very much so typical social reactions are foreign to me. It is an amazing learning experience.

First, it completely amazes me that someone would like me even before me opening my mouth. How can they tell by the looks what I am? They cannot. So they get a wrong idea about me and then they are all gang ho while their fantasy is playing, but then we start talking and then I am not nearly as interesting as before. Wooo. If someone is serious, they will like me, the whole me, not just my okole, pardon my french.

Second, by observing their hunting strategies, I can see now how it all works. What they do is try to get you addicted to their attention. So they give you attention, you get used to it, and then you ask them for more. Different men have different strategies. Some are passive and just look at you from far away. Their strategy works for some women because they allow woman to imagine whatever she wants about them. He smiles across the room and looks at her. Then SHE comes over to him and thus the guy does not have to committ - she is chasing him. He is off the hook. These are actually very easy to ignore. If you don't do anything, they won't do anything, so - just wave to them across the room saying "hi! I notice you are far away! and I am going to stay here!" and nothing happens. You can wonder and fantasize about them across the room, but really you will never know them because they will never come close, so there is no danger of anything ever happening. Well - somewhat. I made a mistake with one of those types, I smiled back across the room, and it led to major trouble, because this kind of guy is passive-agressive and will take ravenge if you don't start floating across the room. See, this kind of hunter is used to women running across the room towards them. If you don't run into his arms, he will make sure to punish you, e.g. by showing you another woman who will run into his arms.

Then there are more zappy, action oriented guys who actively pursue you. They keep on poking you and hitting on you, in subtle and less subtle ways. They self advertise, they praise you, they ask you to do things with them which are actually legit and you cannot say no, etc. but they do it in a way that clearly shows where they are going, or they are even flat out honest and ask you out. They are the dangerous kind because their asking requires a response. You have to deal with them. To me, it feels like a perpetual martial arts fight - constantly dodging the bullets. Born Again "christian" was this kind and that's how I got in trouble - I never said no to him, so I kept on talking with him and it led to further complications. I learned that lesson. This kind of guy is dangerous because they can also take negative action against you. They have to be disposed of gently and safely.
And of course, there are cute guys who are scared of ME :) I can think of one, who is very shy and me adoring him is scaring him. But I have no plans. I guess that's what he doesn't see. I just think he is wonderful.

So, it is a hillarious hillarious "movie" that I live in. The good part is that it is forcing me to deal with single guys of my age who are even nice and attractive and indicated they like me, and are my peers and thus potential candidates. I cannot run away from them. I have to meet them often and talk with them and deal with them. That is quite a trial as far as I am concerned. My first response is to RUN.

So, in that running part is the hillarious part. There is this line, trying, and there is me, very cleverly avoiding it. One of them will find a way. Which one? that's a good question. I don't see that one yet.

None of the candidates are looking good. They can be classified into several categories:

1. unacceptable because they live on a different planet than mine (e.g. they are into drugs, clubs, women, etc.)

2. they do not even apply (i.e. hang out with me, ask me out, etc.) - e.g. the drug and the club guy do not even talk with me, knowing that they are not willing to give up their stuff so why bother wasting time with me - they are in the mode "just ocassionally look, don't approach, and if she goes bananas and starts chasing me, great." They are just basically living their lives and waiting for me to "go on sale". Well - only vultures want such a desperate case. These guys are vultures.

3. out of question, i.e. maybe acceptable but we will never find out. Some candidates did try to approach me in a very subtle way (because we meet for business so they could not hit too hard and too often) - but they don't qualify because they are business associates. So I can never get to know them too well - we are not going to hang out together, plus of course - if you work with someone, they are out of question, period.
What is scary about those is that sometimes they hit on me in public and other people notice. That makes me worried about my professional reputation. I am afraid that I do not hide too well when I know something. If I know someone has hit on me, it shows. I need to be a lot better actor.

4. clearly unsuitable - those who approach me and I know them rather well but they are clearly not suitable.

5. off the chart - those who are completely out of question, like someone else's husband or boyfriend, and of course, massage clients. The problem with Africans is that they are allowed many wives, so it doesn't bother them at all to chase around even if they are married. It is very very embarassing to have someone chase you while their wife is right there. USA is **not** Africa. Am not sure how those wives keep put those imported husbands here. I guess some are not put.

And finally, at my age, if someone has never been married, something is most likely very wrong with them.
Also, if they have been alone for too long, without a committed partner, something is most likely very wrong with them.

Then there are those who look like my exes. It is uncanny, right now there is a person with similar background and even the physical look of my last ex.

My mom offers my photos to anyone who comes her way, like the vet, etc. So she is hoping to find me a serbian husband. My African drum teacher has his relatives he wants to hook me up with. My brother says he checks the wedding rings on any suitable guy he meets. Everyone has a plan, and none of their plans are working.

Overall - this looks like a very bleak situation. I feel like I am in a black comedy, really. I am the main character in this parody which is just not going anywhere. It HAS TO FINALLY come to a conclusion. The right guy needs to show up.


Monday, November 9, 2009

Yuppie finshes video

the funny thing about religion

This born again "christian" was an amazing creature for many reasons, primarily because he was so stoutly defending his religion although he never practiced it.

I mean, the man who was bitterly angry and didn't even speak to his own kids for 10 yrs, not even when they recently LIVED WITH HIM, carried knives in public for probably that many years too - even to prayer in church on Sundays - and never had any remorse nor second thought about it - well, that person is definitely NOT practicing Christianity. I found the guy with knives and I found him living with his own children in the same small apartment and never speaking with them. I forced him to quit all that bad stuff. I forced him. Not his bible nor his church nor his born again friends.

So it is quite obvious that he never practiced any bible nor christianity.

The only thing that he practiced was: everyone is not a child of god unless they accepted jesus as their savior (i.e. dissing about 99% of human population) and you cannot sleep with someone without being married. That's the ONLY two things he practiced under the guise of being "christian", i.e. the only thing he practiced was being closed minded and closed hearted and closed everything. In other words: completely shut off as a human being.

So suddenly he is asked to actually BE a Christian and show some genuine care and compassion, and suddenly - he cannot. "It's not in accordance with the bible"...........

What is amazing is that he is actually a psychiatric case and that's what church uses. They use his guilt feelings about sexuality and his own inability to be a full functional human Being.

One of the nuns I talked with told me that any contact with someone like this can only increase hurt feelings, and that they never change because it is so ingrained in them. Yes indeed.... This fear and this psychological split in the brain must come from earlier childhood, and it is hard to overcome. The person is damaged for life. Unfortunately their damage is very damaging to other people, because they are so shut down and so vicious.

What is amazing is that this man was impotent, wrinkled up, old, alone, and unhappy because of the belief system that he choose, and he got better as soon as he stopped living it, YET he would not let go of it. It is killing him, but he wants it. Also, as a man, he should have wondered where his health is going if he is impotent at a relatively young age. But he never investigated WHY he has all those problems. It was killing him but he wanted it and proudly defended it. That is strange.

In some ways, what he did is steal some tricks from my world that would help him patch up the major holes in his world, for example skin care. However, there is *nothing* that replaces inner peace, that is the only thing that gives nice skin. No cream can do that. So this guy stole some of my secrets, like skin care or drinking water and eating healthy food, but it is not enough to actually produce the results he wants.

You know what is even more weird? He saw himself and yet wouldn't budge. He talked with a Jehova's witness, Mario, and thought that Mario was completely stupid. He even said that he must look like Mario to me. Yet, he thought that his born again stuff was high class and definitely not like Mario. He didn't connect the dots - he WAS a Mario, a stupid brainwashed Mario. I guess that kind of thing is hard to accept, is it. Seeing our own ignorance, cruelty, and plain dumbness. No brain activity whatsoever.


Some readers asked me for the name of the Born Again "christian". His name is Old Rat. You can also call him Mario.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hooiki court web site

Recently, a couple (with 2 small kids!!!) didn't pay me rent for almost 4 months and moved out leaving the place totally ruined.

As I was walking home alone at sunset on the sidewalk next to the beach, the male ex-tenant drove sloooowly behind me, very close, and yelled at me: Milica, I will take all your money. He made sure he sounded sweet and happy and sure of himself. Then he sloowly drove away.

What a rat, isn't he? There will be temporary restraining orders put against him.

If you want to know who that is, just go to Hooiki court web site. All court things are put there.

He lives by bullying others and living off their energy. He saw a single "nice" female and carefully calculated that he can go for it. A con artist, a criminal like this has their whole life ruined, and forever. May he pay dearly for everything he had done to me. God watches and he will take care. Justice may be slow, but it always arrives.

Cealo's answer

Before meditating
ask yourself
if you have been kind enough to yourself
for last 4 weeks…
if you didn’t blame yourself…
if you didn’t hate yourself…

If you wish you to be who you want to be tomorrow,
be immersed in the vibration of tenderness and
compassionate love during the meditation.

Heal yourself first.
Just heal.
You can begin your meditation from
healing yourself before wishing for other things.

Gayuna Sundima then look up November 09 meditation message

update on googling business

After I asked my questions about different planets, the club boy who googled me is not googling me anymore, he is making sure to avoid me. Probably because he realizes that you cannot pair up people from different planets, maybe he already found someone, etc. In any case - he is gone, quickly hightailed it out of my sight asap. The only thing left of him is a quick disappearance into the clubs.

I was thinking - it's like going to get drunk to forget your sorrows. He goes to clubs where he can find people who will adore him and cater to him and where he feels special and in control. It's a drug.

Born Again "christian" runs to hide behind a bible. The club guy runs to hide behind some skirts. The drug addicts run to hide behind some drug trips.

weakness and smallness.

What does it mean to be a good mother

My mom and I were talking and she said that this lady X should stay home to raise her kids and not go to work, because it is so hard to find good baby sitters and kids need good care. And so far, this family didn't have good luck finding a good sitter.

I said: how dare you say that she should stay home, when you yourself never stayed home but went to work. And you left your kids with the baby sitter you knew was bad. My father's mother took care of us, and you found her beating me up with a stick as a baby in the play pan, and still, you kept on going to work, did not stay home. You wanted your financial independence.

My mom said: well, I found her beating you up only once. .... WEll, she also beat up your father...

I said: well - once is never once. If you see her beat me up once, she must do it all the time.

My mom said (and very quickly, justifying herself): if it weren't for my work years, now I wouldn't have the pension and me and your father would go hungry. His pension is nothing. Mine is good.

I didn't say anything. I was thinking:

1. my mother hated my grandmother and always fought with her. She told me about all kinds of bad things my grandma tried to do to her, like kick her out of the house, etc. She herself always told me how my grandmother was evil and bad and crooked and all those things. She hated my grandmother.

2. She knew that grandma was known for beating up my father. My father was deaf and my grandma taught him to speak well by beating him up for every single mistake he made. He learn quickly to speak properly. My mother found grandma beating me up too.

And yet my mother didn't do anything to protect her own children. Her own survival was more important than the survival of her kids.

Also, later I connected the dots: I was always sick as a child, I had a bronchitis every year, strep throat once or twice per year, nose completely clogged up, always pale and skinny and weak, always recovering from some infection. As a teenager ended up with a "hum"in my lungs, which was quite scary, because if they didnt' do something about it, it could have turned into something really nasty.

But my mother never stayed home. In fact, she didn't even take care of me after work either. It was my problem, not hers. She was too busy with her own life. Not that she was really busy - she was busy coming home, eating, and then going to bed. First of all, her job was just a simple clerk job, so she didn't make very much, and she just had to sit in a crowded office which she hated and often got sick from (they all smoked like chimneys) and she had to jot down a few things every day. It was 5 women sitting in an office which was at most 10x10. Smoking was allowed. They talked bad, they smoked, it was so awful, I could barely stand just visiting them for a short while. Sitting there for 35 years would be ... At home too, my mother didn't have to do very much. My grandma cooked and cleaned the house, my father dusted and vacuumed and did all the shopping and also did the laundry and everything about the car, etc. He and grandma did everything about the house, the the taxes, the yard, etc.

The only thing my mom had to do is to cook on the weekends, clean the kitchen and bathroom on the weekends, and clean her own bedroom, and iron the clothes. Her room was a complete disaster, clothes were piled up all over in a complete and total mess, it was never cleaned. Well, I ironed and did laundry too, so she didn't have to do that much either. I had to do all the cleaning and dusting in my "room" which was not really my room, it was a hallway leading to the summer lanai. I took care of my closet, which I finally got one day. My closet was neat and organized. I could not stand my mother's sloppiness.

So my mom really had very little responsibilities. She never asked me what I ate, what I wore, if I did my hwk. She never asked me if I brushed my teeth, etc. She never even visited me when I was sick. I vaguely remember maybe sometimes she would bring the medication at night, and that was it, and it was rushed and rude. She never said how are you doing honey, how can I help you. Maybe she made me a tea sometimes. I don't remember her ever sitting down with me checking how I was doing. I never got any b-day presents or even happy b-day. The only person who remembered was my grandma, the same one who beat me up.

When I was younger, my mother did some things after work, like visit friends or go to the taylors (she had a lot of clothes made, she was really - and still is - into "looking good to the public). Maybe after my age of 8?, she came home from work, ate, then went to bed, where she was doing nothing - not even reading. Just laying there, half asleep. She was in bed from 5pm till 6am the next morning when she got up and went to work. If I wanted to talk with her, I could sit in the room on the side of the bed and talk. She wasn't sick. She was just majorly depressed, totally wound up in her own self pity.

One baby died (it was a major disaster in the hospital, because of no sanitation about 20 babies died) when I was 7. After that, my mother was very depressed. Then she became instantly pregnant with my brother, which carried through the epidemics of variola vera (i.e. big pox - deadly virus) in town - we all had to be vaccinated, there were special quarantine locations, etc on top of that and my mother worked next to the Infectious Diseases hsopital where the disease started (someone went on a pilgrimage to Mecca and brought it back) and many doctors/nurses/patients died. Then my brother was born and almost died. I don't remember what she did when he was born, because I never saw her for several years during which time two babies were born and one died. I was not allowed into her/my fathers bedroom at all and my mother barely came out. I think after all that was all over, she just continued being stuck in that room.

Even when I was way younger, I NEVER remember seeing my mother in the living room. The ONLY time she ever went to the living room was during holidays when we had guests. If there was no guests, my mother was only in the kitchen or the bedroom.

So, it is quite amazing to remember all that. My mother (and father too) were completely self centered. Although functional and healthy, they never paid attention to their kids. They left us growing up in chaos, and totally on our own. I am not going to tell you what it does to children.

It is amazing I am alive and well. Something has led me and made sure I succeeded. It was definitely a hard road to walk, starting from such a big disadvantage of not being loved and never being trained.

I cannot even phantom how kids of alcoholic or drug or whatever parents must feel and what they learned and saw. It must be quite difficult to overcome all that.

And yet - Yogananda's mother died when he was ... 5? I think. And yet Yogananda didn't close his mind and heart, didn't succumb to the chaos. He turned more to Divine Mother and turned into a saint.

How we respond to events is how we are inside. If there is somehow something genuine and loving inside, it guides you through the difficult times. We are never left alone.

How your ass can make you popular

Humans are generally stupid and prone to external looks deception, as was confirmed yesterday by my tight black pants.

I got $9 tight black pants on sale and wore them yesterday. I usually wear a lot more plain clothes. But with tight black pants, where my ass is showing - as my mom pointed out - suddenly my social prestige in some circles totally rose up. First, men noticed me, and second, women noticed that.

That's so stupid. It's the same old me, pants or not.

The funny thing is that many people from the dance class wear tight black pants a lot / all the time, and many other ladies all over wear tight black pants all the time. However- I suppose since they wear them all the time, the novelty of it wore off? Dunno! It's hard to phantom this.

The only conclusion that I have is that humans are asleep. What rules them is something I do not understand. It seems like some kind of "I WILL IMPRESS YOU" thing and also some kind of "SEX APPEAL" thing.

I should understand this, actually, because it is all spelled out in Gurdjieff books. And yes, my research confirms what he said. Read Ouspensky's "In Search of Miraculous".

Needs of a human heart

Something happened in my life which helped me understand why the Born Again "christian" was such a foreign species to me: his heart was closed. He had no need to BE kind and compassionate; to love and keep his heart open.

I have that need, it is a very deep and profound need, like need for food or air. If I am not showing my love in service, I feel odd. I feel like my life is bland and missing something. I love catering to my cat, I love catering to my students, friends, family. I love to love, to shower everyone and everything with attention and kindness and help and good wishes. I love to see things grow, get better. It is like a huge celebration of God, in everything that is around, in everything we do. If I cannot serve and love, my life has no meaning.

Being closed down and isolated is normal to a fake person like this "born again christian". He could never give his attention to anything but his own butt. He couldn't spend a minute petting a cat or admiring the Ocean, not to mention other people. The only way he could relate to anything was from the point of view: HOW CAN I GET BENEFIT OUT OF THIS FOR MYSELF. So if he saw the benefit for himself, then he kissed ass, just as much as was enough to "get it" for himself. As soon as he "got" what he wanted, there was no more need to be nice nor to pay attention. The only thing he was concerned about was himself and where he stood as far as favors from 'god' and also prestige and ranking in the eyes of other people.

This completely selfish, self centered, antagonistic attitude completely ruined him - his face was so wrinkled because of his thoughts and emotional state. When he was hanging out with me, the wrinkles started disappearing, because his inner state was peaceful and more open and loving. He was finally sharing - respect, kindness, consideration.

I noticed on me the effects of him on me - hanging out with him produced wrinkles and gray hairs in me, because it was so stressful for me. According to his religion, I wasn't a child of God, and that's how he treated me (and everyone else). Being on the receiving end of that kind of belief system is like drinking poison - it just makes you sick.

I noticed in me that his influence was majorly negative and that I needed to work hard to forgive myself for allowing myself to come close to something so detrimental. This person was run by evil, and doing evil things. Not intentionally, but nonetheless, the net effect was completely negative. Out of "best efforts" to save his own ass, he signed a pact with the devil and sold his soul for a little bit of fake protection and fake promises. Then he killed anything in his way. Including me.

So, noticing how bad it was for me to be in touch with someone like that, I connected the dots and realized how bad it is for the planet and everything in the Universe to have such weirdos walkingn around and just taking taking taking. They destroy everything they come in contact with. They just TAKE. They never give anything back.

This person will never give it up. Because, it is too ingrained in them, this fear. And this addiction to comfort and self centerdness. It has been practiced for a very long time. The person becomes a mere shell of a human being, something empty, fragile and weak, that is run by something external and rather evil, that makes decisions on behalf of the human zombie. The zombie blindly follows. There is nothing that the zombie has that is genuinely his or hers.

Do you know what the scary part is? Majority of humanity is like this. ASLEEP. Some are worse than others. This breed of religous dogma is plain evil because it propagates hatred and discrimination.

Being in touch with anything like that is very detrimental. It makes you feel bad. A person like that can only hurt you, take away as much they can, deplete you, walk all over you, because they do not know any respect, appreciation, kindness. Dealing with someone like that feels like allowing oneself to be robbed and raped. It is a very humiliating, demeaning experience, and it only causes problems. That's why the whole earth is messed up - because of people like that.

The most difficult part is forgiving myself for letting something so nasty come closer to me. It was my fault. However, a lesson always needs to be learned: learn the lesson and move on.

This is what Cealo has to say about that:

Before meditating
ask yourself
if you have been kind enough to yourself
for last 4 weeks…
if you didn’t blame yourself…
if you didn’t hate yourself…
If you wish you to be who you want to be tomorrow,
be immersed in the vibration of tenderness and
compassionate love during the meditation.
Heal yourself first.
Just heal.
You can begin your meditation from
healing yourself before wishing for other things.
Gayuna Sundima

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