HumanRemodeling

A lady came to see me, and I asked what shall we work on. She said that her friend had a great lomilomi massage and she felt something release and leave her calves and she cried, and the therapist told her that was anger from her childhood. So, my client wanted a similar experience to release her old stuff. I understood her desire to have this freeing experience, and also I suspected her desire to have this "special" shortcut that she could talk about later.

I asked her: so where do you feel that old stuff? She said she didn't know.
I asked: how will you know that it got released? She said she wouldn't know.
I asked: how did that therapist know it was childhood anger? Who is so mighty that they can see so deeply and be so sure and even tell the patient so confidently?
I asked was the friend transformed by this experience?

I explained that good bodywork certainly releases stuff, and it is possible to cry and have this exalted experience, but that it is not guaranteed as each massage is different for each person and every time. It is also possible to have a quiet enjoyable experience and just feel happy and somehow slightly different, and that's what we are really after. This slight, immesurable, happy transformation inside. No matter how we get there. Maybe with crying, maybe with laughing, maybe with falling asleep, maybe with deeply relaxing and enjoying, maybe with talking. In any case, we are somehow transformed, deeply and irreversibly.

This transformation is something that you don't have to brag about. Something that is not told to friends as a story. Soemthing that doesn't have labels and scenarios we are SO sure about - aha this is childhood anger. Aha, this is divorce. Aha, this is...

As soon as we start labeling, it is all in our heads. And that is just pouring from "empty into nothing" as we say in Serbian. The head talks to itself.

We try to stay open and keep transforming, like a caterpillar into a butterfly.

Attemting to be in the moment, to be Real, to be genuine. No drama, no labeling, no judging, no stories. Just As It Is.

What am I really like, right now?

Labels: experience, white winged buffalo massage

I heard that a resort spa made their massage therapists take a short class (probably a few hours) in some "energy techniques" taught by a local "shaman" and is allowing the therapists to do that on spa guests.

Wow!!!!

Energy work is for someone who is highly trained and capable to do it. There are so many dangers in doing energy work without really knowing what one is doing. Because, energy work is in the realm of shaman. There are all kinds of physical and non-physical entities that are involved in energy work. Only someone who has very very extensive training in a well established and "clean" lineage AND is constantly supervised by the elders AND lives a very pure and spiritual life maybe could try doing some energy work, with very extensive preparation, prayer, etc.

Doing energy work without proper training and preparation is like giving a gun to a kid. It is just plain dangerous. It is calling for spiritual possessions, opening holes in auric field, and all kinds of stuff like that. Those things can happen anywhere anyways if one is careless, but *****meddling into them intentionally**** is really asking for trouble.

One cannot know what the story is with a massage establishment, the only thing one can do is FEEL the vibe of the place and the therapist. If it doesn't feel right, run.

Labels: energy

This is a great blog post:

Benefits of Failure:
http://sandiego.jobing.com/blog_post.asp?post=12185

She talks about failures as incentives to learn and grow. Yes, indeed, from my own personal experience!

Labels: benefit, failure, grow

If I believe that God is ravengeful, and thus I fear God, what will my life be like?

Then I will worry only about my own survival and no matter what I do, I will make sure that my butt is not kicked.

If I believe that God is my best friend, a loving disciplinarian, a very loving all-knowing all-mighty ... parent, really, a Super Perfect Parent that always means me well, always schedules me perfectly, always takes care of me, never lets me off the hook, and is always there for me - then what will my life be like?

Labels: fear, God, love

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend who was a hard core "Christian" meaning he went to church and bought everything line, hook and sinker, thinking he was Born Again superhero, and that showed - he was so closed off, so frozen, so distant and so incapable of relating that we had to part asap.

At the end we "debriefed" and that's how I finally heard this from him:

>YES, I FEAR GOD.

My response was:
That's it!!!! That is the most fundamental difference between you and me, and that's why we are alien species. I do NOT fear God. I wish I could say I love God, that is my intent, but I am sure I fall short of it. I do try. To me, God is something that helps me. It can play tricks on me and will never let me go astray, but I do not fear that. It is always done with a loving hand, like a good parent. If it has me grounded, I still feel loved and taken care of. In short, I feel like I am good buddies with God, I feel like he is a very loving and very disciplining force in my life and I believe that I am always, always protected and taken care of. God watches over me and makes sure I am ok. I have absolutely no fear of God. I KNOW God is something very very good.This to me is something I don't have to think about, it is on cellular level, I just know very deeply that God is somethign extremely positive that I can trust unconditionally and that always works for my good.

I don't fear my teachers either, although they set me up and caused me tremendous suffering in a very real and hillariously comical way. It was all good. It was done with a very good intent and in a very benevolent way. They never ask me to do what I cannot.

I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS GOOD, that He means me well, and that we are friends. To me, God is like a good parent, I trust Him unconditionally and I believe that he always takes care of me in the most loving way. There is no fear whatsoever. God wants me to be happy and serve His Kingdom, and He always puts me exactly where I need to be.

And you with your fear are totally frozen. Your church propagates that fear, it teaches you fear, it wants you in fear, because then you are controllable, full of guilt, full of fear, very easy to manipulate. You can never think for yourself and you can never feel and follow your heart. So, you have to obey them. Easy.

You believe you feel something which you don't. In some ways, the feeling of love is waking up in you. For someone who is so entrenched into believing in fear, it is rather difficult to defrost and feel love and all the things it brings, like care, consideration, etc. You are an expert in all things based on fear - rejection, distance, pride, lies, hypocrisy, guilt, anxiety, etc.

What you thought was "love" wasn't really love because it wasn't enough to melt away the fear. One day you will love soemthing enough to actually move beyond fear. Like I love my cat.

Labels: fear, God, love

Two weeks ago, I was at the NMT class, which was too much for me - being in a room stuck with a bunch of asleep people just overpowered my ability to handle crowds. I just cannot do that anymore. Working by myself actually made me spoiled - I am used to peace and quiet. So, 2 days indoors in a small room with lots of people was just too much, I was exausted.

The week after that was a good week because I realized I was behind, so I put in effort to coach myself and then the week turned out well.

Then comes this week. I phoned my ex boyfriend, the religious fundamentalist, to see what he was up to, because I felt something nagging me. Well, he was up to praying DAILY for "my salvation" which he already promised several times he won't do. I told him to pray to his own salvation and leave me alone. Which he flat refused! He said that he cares for me so much that he has to pray for me, every day. I had to spend 5 mins convincing him to stop because I simply refuse to be the recipient of such "care" and I think that his "god" is a silly and rather deadly and evil human construction designed to keep people enslaved, just like himself; and that his "praying" is just a way to look good to himself, so no thanks, find something else to pray about. The net result feeling was that I was just exausted and rather scared, here is this stalker praying to put me into his christian bag and make me into a cookie cutter zombie like himself.

It takes some effort to overcome being involved with a crazy person like that, it has consequences in terms of getting them out of one's energy field.

So comes this week and having to overcome that feeling of having to deal with the consequences of my mistake of getting involved with this crazy person. Well, we move on! And quickly, since I am already over 40 and there is no time to waste with wrong boyfriends. Wrong boyfriends are deadly, because they are draining. There is no time for that.

BTW, in the view of what I realized regarding inner child last week, applies directly to all these "christians". This boyfriend ran away because "god" scolded him for trying to sleep without being married, and that's plainly stated in the Bible, so! This guy has done so MANY things that the Bible flat condems, and many things that my God would have trouble with. Bible says no divorce. It says love your neighbor as thyself. This guy violated Bible all the time - was estranged from his wife for years, divorced her, and so on. This guy violated what I would call "God" by being distant and non-loving, etc. To me, that is totally against God, which is about compassion, love, sharing, service, honesty, kindness, being present, being in the moment, etc.

So obviously, this fear of sex is something irrational that Christians have, and it must come from the childhood, where someone really scared the kid into believing that sex is soemthing dangerous that will be punished. And no wonder - if someone is so stupid to think that Hooters is interesting, they obviously have NO CLUE about sex at all and would get in trouble and thus better be regulated by an external authority, like church. And church surely exploits that... And of course, the cycle gets worse, because without any real "compass" inside, such people are totally left at the mercy of Hooters and such, which exploit the basic human urge covered with the sense of guilt and shame.

"Abstinence makes church grow fondlers."

What I learned from this "christian" is how they PRETEND that they do not feel anything that is "bad", so their whole life is a lie; and how vicious they are to keep the lie going. As I said, some persona inside really IS SCARED.

That persona inside is scared of coming close and being in the moment. The issue of sex is really not the issue. The main issue is that this guy has done pretty attrocious things in terms of not being honest and not being close, not working things out, not communicating with me, but always doing his own thing and alone. THAT is the issue. Which he is trying to get out of by having this wonderful exuse of Bible. There are other issues, such as love. He didn't really love me, he liked the idea of having something exotic far away and imagining how grand he is. Seems like this was not meant to be love anyways, when I look back, I did not love him fully (partially because he was distant and maybe because I would never love him anyways) and he is trying to save his face and get out with a "legit" exuse that makes him look good.

So what I concluded is that two people have to come to face each other fully, without any masks and pretenses, and then see if really there is a match. If there is, then details work out. If there isn't, then at least there is honest and amicable parting.

PS - it is impossible to deny oneself what one truly feels. The only thing a human being can do is be honest to oneself. Which is an art in itself and requires a LOT OF PRACTICE. WHich can *never* be found at church, and can be found only at the feet of a true spiritual teacher.

Labels: abstinence makes church grow fondlers

In hawai'ian ho'oponopono practice, it is said that a human being has three parts:

the higher mind, called 'the father' - this mind communicates directly with God;

conscious mind, called "the mother" - this mind balances the checkbook, etc. AND it also has to initiate communication with the subconscious mind;

subconscious mind, called "the child" - this is the only one who can go to the higher mind and communicate back to the conscious mind.... The subconscious mind listens to EVERYTHING we say, do, feel, etc and takes notes... To it, it is all true...

So, conscious mind, the mother, has to WILLINGLY INITIATE communication with the higher mind, the father, by ASKING the subconscious mind, the child, to go to the father and talk with him and bring the answers back.

Wow - what a concept.... The conscious mind is not a monster, and it has to start the contact. This is the first step in ho'oponopono, or the mediation/forgiveness/cut the ties/move on practice. There is really no precise translation in English.

So, anyways, here I am, stuck in rush hour traffic by the surf beaches, and thinking about the massage I just had, which went very well, the person felt better. I remembered what my family ALWAYS REPEATED TO ME: that I don't have a clue about anything, that I am nobody, will never amount to anything, will fail in life miserably... And I contrasted that to the reality of me being good at what I do.

So, I said to my inner child: "See, they lied to you!" I had a feeling that something inside me was listening carefully. WEll, it always does, but this time I was aware of it :) So I continued: "your father lied to you." The kid actually could agree with my point, probably because it was obvious. I kept on going: "and your mother, and your aunty, uncle, grandma..." And the kid looked very HURT and snapped back at me: "Stop it!!! You are trashing my whole family and you cannot do that!!! They are my family and they are right!!!" The kid was defending them, in spite of what bad stuff they did, because the kid loved them and needed them and WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO FIT IN. So, if the adults said that she was incapable and will fail, she was ready to be that. She WAS that. She forced herself to be that.

I was astounded. I had to work more gently with that... I had to kinda adopt the kid all over. That helped. I felt much more peace. Somehow, all my need to prove myself, all the worries about being inadequate, all that - just disappeared...

A few days later, I was ranting and raving about something I didn't like, my conscious mind was raving madly, cursing at this or that. Suddenly, I had a definite feeling that my inner child was witnessing all that and was TOTALLY petrified. To it, I was mad, out of control, definitely not paying attention to it, and even capable of doing damage to it. I was stopped frozen in my tracks. My kid was basically witnessing a rampage into extreme negativity and violence and NEGLECT. To explain it some more, maybe it is energetically equivalent to rampages alcoholics or drug addicts can go on (although I have no clue about what that is like, I have never even seen it, I suspect that energetically it has the same "signature" of extreme negativity and self destruction).

In any case, I had a clear notion that my inner child thought I was insane and dangerous. I understood ... to the child, it was obvious that I wasn't following the rules of survival, and that my conscious mind will actually lead to disaster, and naturally, the child was scared. I dropped that attitude as a hot potato. I stopped it immediatelly and appologized. That helped... and there is more, I didn't really fix it yet.

Looking back, I was torturing myself the same way my family tortured me, and there is a long list of abuses to my inner child that I need to forgive myself for.

Labels: ho'oponopono, inner child, subconscious