Monday, July 6, 2009

God as matchmaker

Just some comments which I am putting into my blog:

As I am preparing to go into a Vision Quest again, the last VQ comes to mind, year 2005, where God made me look through all my relationships, and then I had to promise that I will go out and at least talk to men, and find my mate. Back then, I was about 12 yrs old, badly divorced and then freshly broken up, very hurt, and didn't talk to anything male between ages 25 and 50. Back then, I was really kicking about my new instructions and tried to get out of it, which led to many comical events. It was clearly a wickedly planned setup by Higher Forces. Even in the midst of it, it was clearly hilarious and there was nothing I could do, the events rolled in such a way that even movies seldom have such plot. Other instructions I got was "more fun and more discipline" and I was sent to play drums. Eventually I decided to be a little more compliant and reluctantly went on a date in 2007 just for the heck of it with someone I didn't even like at first but grew to appreciate a lot, which ended recently (and disastrously because as usual I was procrastinating until it was too late - just like VQ was warning me).

Right now, the instructions from the last VQ are very very clear, I am painfully aware of what they were trying to say, and I am willing to follow the instructions and find that mate that I am supposed to have. Where to look? Having landed on Earth as a complete alien, I am going over my experiences and strategizing where to look next.

I have met a lot of earthlings that totally blew my mind because they are obviously from a different planet. Someone recently asked me why I didn't "try out" dating someone else and I was so dumbfounded by a question that I didn't know what to answer.

If someone just stares at my butt at an event and then ignores me and flirts with others, if someone just hangs out but never speaks to me and talks with me, is that a sufficient clue for me to "try them out" as a date???

I don't think so. First, if the person never approached me, never courted me for real, and in particular, never asked me out - what is there to respond to? They are simply waiting for me to chase them, cater to them and be responsible for everything. No thanks. They are not risking anything of themselves and thus are not serious for sure. Also, they are likely a lazy coward. And, most importantly, they are likely estimating that they have no chance, so they won't even try. If they are estimating they have no chance, they probably have a good reason for it (e.g. I do drugs and she doesn't like that), so it *IS* better that they are not even trying.
They can be a friend if they really were interested in me as a person. But if they are not approaching me to talk with me and hang out with me, then they are not interested in me as a person, they are most likely interested just in sex. So they say: ok, let me give some weak signals, and if she is so crazy to go for it and start chasing me down, great, otherwise I am not going to work too hard on this. IF SHE FALLS INTO MY LAP, WONDERFUL, OTHERWISE I DO NOT CARE. Well, I don't care either.

Second, they don't want a relationship, they want - whatever it is, it is not a partnership based on communication, talking, spending time together, enjoying each other's company, etc. In my experience, what they want is just some sex. Very young males who are into still immature and into hormones try such approaches. My favorite is when a 25-yr old tried me on about 6 years ago, by passing close by me with his shirt off. Yes he is very good looking, muscular and nice, well respected, famous guy and I noticed a lot of younger ladies chasing him. Was I supposed to get swooned and jump on him too? I am way older and thus wiser :) I have done those things already in my wild youth and I know where it leads - nowhere. Unless a guy is there WITH me and willing to stand by me no matter what, he is a wannabe and not serious. A guy has to be MATURE enough to understand what a relationship is.

The Born Again that I dated last actually knew this. He was a mature person, also a divorced father of two grown kids, and he knew what it means to stand by a woman, and he did put effort into making it happen. That was his definite and clear plus. An adult, mature male knows what he wants and he goes for it, he makes it happen, and he stands responsible. He didn't have problems stating his feeling and intent and saying "I love you" and he enjoyed hanging out in simple or deep things, was dedicated, and was willing to talk things over. We were good friends and had great time together although it was long distance and we didn't see each other often and slept together only maybe a couple of times at the very end. (It was me, I jumped on him. If we both say "I love you" and we mean it after 2 years of spending time together, I feel entitled to jump. But Born Agains are impotent with fear of God, they are incapable of Love.) We were able to Transcend a lot of issues for both of us, which was immensely productive.

The thing he didn't understand is that a relationship is based on honesty, and he was hiding his Born Again stuff because he knew I didn't like it. It is like hiding a drug habit.
This man was already married to his Born Ignorant dogma and trying to convert me. That is dishonest and delusional, and also: no real woman wants to be second to anything but God. This man's "I love you" was very cheap and very conditional - "if you are exactly what I want from you and you do as I say, I love you, otherwise I don't."

Relationship is something that comes from God, and God wants both people to grow and that's why he puts them together. And, God is something very Large and requires stepping forth, all the time. There is no drawing back - unless you want to leave the relationship for good. There has to be forgiveness as well as discipline. A Born Again has to be willing to move on beyond his limited ideas of Universe and Open to Something Larger. Otherwise - leave. Which he finally understood and left.
The test of the relationship is when two people have to spend time together in mundane tasks beyond just having fun. Kindness, attention, forgiveness, care, all that comes out when it comes to solving problems together and then the TRUTH comes out.
"I love you" has no "but" in it. If a person is committed, they have to step forth and Work to overcome whatever it is that the relationship is showing is the area to Work on. (That's why it is important to match people properly. Most people are mismatched because they got together too quickly to jump into the sack asap without thinking of consequences. Consequences are very dear and long term - we are karmicaly connected to all who we slept with.)
Also, anything that stands in the way of personal growth and transformation is totally counter any relationship. Relationships are meant as spiritual practice where two people help each other grow. Thus, by definition, the relationship is based on Inner Work and Transformation. If that is lacking, there is no relationship. If one person is following any dogma of any kind, and is refusing to Open and Grow, then there can be no true relationship.

The dogma and being closed can come in so many ways... Guys who have chemical dependencies, guys who run around, guys who work 100hrs per week without you, guys who are insisting on "having their own space and doing their own thing" etc etc - all guys who are INTO THEMSELF and definitely not into a relationship. All those ways to push someone out of their life and to keep doing whatever they please. Trying to push it on someone else is selfish. A guy on drugs should seek only those on drugs and/or tolerant enablers. A womanizer should seek other loose and loose-tolerant people. A Born Again should seek only another similarly brainwashed person to read Bible with. And so on.

So, any "relationship" is based on the common spiritual beliefs. Two people getting together for a short sex stint are on the same level, a low level. A true relationship is based on the high standards of both parties putting effort into Inner Work and growth and demonstrating love and care to each other at each step. That requires a lot of work, committment, and self responsibility. Not everyone is willing and able to participate in something like that. It requires Feeling. It can hurt. It requires Inner Work. That definitely hurts.

Trying to mismatch people on different levels is only detrimental to both. Dating a Born Again was experience straight from hell. A religios fanatic has no shame in trying to protect his own ass from his perceived "wrath of God" and he will stab you as soon as he thinks his ensured spot in heaven is at stake. Flirting with a womanizer is extremely humiliating, nausiating, and demeaning, I did it once and it made me feel so violated and negated, it is violence in a very slimey manner. Even asking God the question: can it be that this someone who is chemically dependent is a possible candidate??? brought me nightmares. Intellectual discussions with so-called "intellectuals" are just fancy cover-ups for the same story of "I am going to do what I want."

Is it possible that all these people really do not know what they are doing? Yes, it is. We are all asleep. There are women and men who do those things because there are enough men and women who do the same things so nobody ever learns, they just keep on doing the same thing. The chemically dependent gets gifts from his girlfriends and asks them if it is smokable or drinkable. The womanizers have baits for attention getting and they make sure to put the lures out. The Born Again was a total hit in his BIBLE-STUDY GROUP FOR SINGLES. Hm, a bunch of singles coming together to study the Bible - I wonder where their attention is. What a riot of a church. (To be honest, this person at least had common sense to ask to be removed from the singles group, because he really wanted to just study.)

And so on. Those Who Are Trying To Wake up are a little more rare to find.

Where does one find Those Who Are Trying To Wake Up? Hm! Someone like that has a dedicated spiritual practice in some form, and is closely related to God. Some more likely places are some organizations, like "protecting native species" or "clean up land" or some other higher level causes like that. Meditation groups. Spiritual groups. Often, Native people with nice families. I noticed that some West African djelis are like it.

God arranges everything so this will be arranged too, just like everything else. Since there are no matchmakers these days who will bring potential husbands to me, I need to help out by putting myself up front into situations where I need to be, e.g. I need to go out and have myself accessible, and then be sensible enough to recognize The Right Guy. Hm, where.....


Friend: yeah where to meet like minded people who want a higher experience is good question. If I knew I would go there. This is a prison planet, heaven here is a state of mind.

Milica: easy! Go to Gurdjieff group meetings, Unity Church, Honolulu, Tuesdays 6:30-7:30. http://www.gurdjieff.org/
Unfortunately, there are no eligible guys for me personally there. However, that's a group of people who want a higher experience and it is IMMENSELY useful.
I would even dare say that some spiritual practice like that is a prerequisite for any relationship.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

the two most important things

Love God with all your heart, your mind and your soul.

Love thy neighbor as thyself.
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Here it is, the entire Christianity at a glance. Accidentally, this is the entire muslim, Hindu, etc etc religions too.

All true religions ultimately teach only this.

Because, there is only one God.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

sweet talking churchians vs Oneness of God

I talked and even dated this brain dead churchian for a while. I learned a lot from it. Especially now when he is gone and I feel so much better. Oppresive religious views are terrible drain on the psyche, because they are violent at the core, play on human sense of insecurity, guilt and fear, and force people into fakiness and deceit.

First, he can fake very well, and sweet talk it very well. There is a song: "the only boy who could ever teach me was the son of a preacherman" and that is completely true. That's how he slipped under the radar with me and kept me talking with him for a while. Until the truth came out :) I was uneasy and cautios from the start, because something just didn't seem right, and now I see clearly what it is, it is exposed in plain view.

Churchians are masters of faking it. Because their religion has things as "good" and "bad" and they are not supposed to do anything "bad", they are masters in fakiness and pretense and covering up. Second, churchians are plain evil. The world views that they have are about segregation and elitism, totally contrary to the Oneness of God.

Here are some world views they have:
- jesus suffered for our sins so we don't have to do anything - bible is the book of rules
- jesus is THE ONLY WAY to God
- we are just behaving now so that we can have eternal life
- when something is considered "bad" we pretend we are not doing it and we still do it
- the only people who go to god are the people who accept jesus

and the puncher: THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME A CHILD OF GOD IS TO ACCEPT BIBLE AND JESUS AND CHURCH TEACHINGS.

Wow. I take being a child of God for granted. I am a child of God, period. There is nothing that nobody has to force me to "pay" to be what I already am! By nature. By default!!!! Because, everything is God. So, me, other people, animals, Nature, plants, things, Moon, Sun, stars, Earth, ... everything, everything is God. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE BUT GOD.

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

How do people get to know Jesus?

My Born Again (I'd call him: Brain Dead) friend and I got into an argument about the Bible. He claims it is completely true. I (and many others) claim that the book has been edited through centuries by plain old humans and that a lot of things in it are not true. For example, early christianity contained reincarnation. It got deleted after a religious conference, I think in 5th century, but don't quote me on that number.

The wannabe christian, so defensive about his church stuff, got quite puzzled when i asked him a very simple question:

How did people who never studied Bible, who never set foot into a christian church, got to know Jesus? How did they get in touch with that Christ consciousness? Obviously, Jesus has a way of reaching people ...
How can someone like Paramahansa Yogananda has Jesus as his basic guru? Where did Yogananda get hooked with Jesus? Yogananda is a Hindu and a yogi, a monk, studied under other Indian gurus. Never been a christian in some church... heck, western church would consider him a heretic and blashphemy. Yet he hang out with Jesus all the time and reached enlightement anyways. And look at me - I have never set foot in a church yet Jesus showed up to me too, and ever since then, I am practicing christianity, and have never set foot in a church still and never even read the Bible. I opened the book and it was so bad, I just put it down. Some parts, like gospels, seem true, but are so cryptic, I could never read that book on my own, it needs an experienced guide. Yogananda has commentary on the gospels and it is astounding what gospels are REALLY saying.

And also, btw, what is the difference between "Buddha consciousness" and "Christ consciousness?" There seems to be none, in my mind. Both are about compassion, kindness, external considering, etc. I love Buddha dearly and have talked with him numerous times too. I just happen to be a westerner and under the tutelage of Christ. It doesn't mean that Buddha is any lesser. He is just more suitable for eastern personalities. Westerners seem to need the emotional outlet of having a God to talk to. Easterners are content to not have anyone to talk to, and only an abstract White Light to go towards. Well, that's God. Us westerners are a lot more materialistic and less abstract and we need something to relate to.. We love to chatter with it... And unfortunately have made it into something that is like us, with all the faults. No, God is Great White Light, totally perfect and neutral, and definitely way beyond anything human-like.

And I asked my friend another simple math question: if you stuck to your church for 30 years, and it brought you nothing, and in the last 2 years you tried XYZ true spiritual teachings and your life took off - then which thing works? My question was:

is it possible to become a true Christian just by following a church? My thesis is that one must follow some mystery school, some metaphysical teaching, otherwise one will get lost in dogma and ego stuff. Church has never produced real open minds.

Great religions are like great ships,
Poets like life saving boats.

Everyone sane I know has jumped overboard.

That is good for business, isn't it, Hafiz?

poem by Hafiz, a sufi master. (Sufis are a mystical sect of muslim religion. They secretly talk about God using words such as Friend or Lover, going to tavern and drinking wine, getting drunk, reciting poetry.)

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Monday, September 29, 2008

There is nothing else but God.

The paradox of "there is nothing else but God" is that it made me much stricter. I realized that God needs me to take care of His Kingdom, and sometimes that means disciplining, to make His subject grow.

Like gardening - sometimes what is needed is pruning, sometimes nourishing.

Like training pets - sometimes you pubish and sometimes you reward.

And like raising children - always loving discipline, to train the ego and to open the heart.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Common spiritual beliefs are basis for any relationshiop

A churchian trying to get me to date him:
"I cannot accept that there are many paths to God. When I was a young man, searching, I thought there was. For me there is no compromise on this issue. You feel the same about there being many paths. I choose Jesus Christ as the only way to God. That means that I trust that what the Bible says is true and that I cannot earn my way to heaven. Jesus paid the price our salvation."

This is interesting - because this is something that men and woman of today have to negotiate. The old times are over... Now we are all free to write our own contracts. In relationship, there is sexual attraction and companionship and that certainly glues people together, because it makes everyone a little more forgiving and willing to move towards each other and come close.

However, everything is always based on common spiritual beliefs. That's alpha and omega of every relationship.

My answer to this churchian:
HOW THE HECK DO YOU PLAN TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE FREE AND OUTSIDE OF THE BOX, SOMEONE WHO INTENDS TO WAKE UP AND TRAVEL FAR ALL THE WAY TO GOD?

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHOSE WHOLE LIFE IS BASED ON INNER WORK - AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS BASED ON STICKING TO YOUR DOGMAS AND LIEING, CHEATING AND STEALING TO KEEP THOSE ILLUSIONS ALIVE, KEEPING IT PRETTY SINCE JESUS ALREADY SUFFERED SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO EVER MOVE A FINGER EXCEPT TO BS ABOUT IT.

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ALL ABOUT "GOD IS ONE" AND "THERE IS NOTHING ELSE BUT GOD" - AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS BASED ON "JESUS IS THE ONLY VALID THING OUT THERE AND TO HELL WITH YOU IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THAT".

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE IS ACTIVELY RECRUITING PEOPLE TO STEP OUTSIDE OF BOX AND TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF BOX, WHOSE WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING FREE AND WAKING UP - AND YOU, WHOSE WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT KEEPING PEOPLE INSIDE THE BOX AND RECRUITING THEM TO STEP INTO IT.
WE WORK FOR DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSING BELIEFS. WE ARE ENEMY, SO TO SPEAK.
YOU ARE ABOUT LIVING IN A CAGE. I WORK FOR BEING FREE.

IT IS NOT CLEAR TO YOU YET WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO? I AM SOMEONE WHO ACTIVELY RECRUITS PEOPLE TO STEP OUT OF THE CAGE AND INTO THE WILD SIDE. MY WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT THAT. MY HEALING AND TEACHING WORK, EVERYTHING I DO. AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU AND I DID OR TALKED ABOUT TOO. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?

YOU TRYING TO GET ME TO LIVE INSIDE YOUR CAGE IS IN TOTAL OPPOSITION WITH WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS ALWAYS BASED ON. YOU CAME TO ME BECAUSE I AM A TRAINER FOR PEOPLE TO STEP OUT OF THEIR CAGES AND LIVE MORE FREELY. YOU WERE SENT TO ME FOR THAT. AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID. YOU TRYING TO PREACH TO ME AND BRING ME INTO YOUR BOX IS LIKE ... A THIEF COMING TO A PRIEST FOR SPIRITUAL SALVATION AND THEN TRYING TO GET HER INTO PARTICIPATING IN BANK ROBBERY.
ALTHOUGH YOU SAY THAT YOU WANT YOUR CAGE, AND YOUR ACTION SHOWS THAT, YOU HAVE ALSO TAKEN STEPS TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE AND YOU HAVE TASTED SOME FREEDOM. YOU DO KEEP ON RUNNING BACK INTO YOUR CAGE AND YOU TRY TO BITE ME, THAT'S TRUE, AND ALSO, IT IS TRUE THAT **** YOU HAVE ASKED **** FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND YOU HAVE BEEN SHOWN.

THE ONLY WAY THIS WORKED SO FAR IS BECAUSE YOU INNATELY FEEL THAT OUTSIDE OF CAGE IS REAL AND GOOD FOR YOU, AND YOU TRIED IT A LITTLE, AND IT WORKS. YOU CAME OUT OF YOUR OWN VOLITION TO XYZ SCHOOL AND THAT IS YOUR OWN CHOICE TO MOVE OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE. VOLUNTARILY, YOU CHOSE THAT. YOU ALSO CHOSE ABC. THAT'S ANOTHER OUT OF CAGE CHOICE. AND YOU CHOSE ME, WHO TOTALLY STANDS FOR OUTSIDE OF CAGE, AND YOU HAVE STUCK TO IT BECAUSE OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION - AND ON MY SIDE TOO, THERE WAS SEX THAT GLUED US TOGETHER WHEN WE BOTH WANTED TO QUIT.

HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT REALIZE THAT NOW YOU ARE AT A POINT WHERE YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE CONSCIOUSLY AND STICK TO IT. YOU HAD ENOUGH DABBLING INTO IT AND TRYING IT OUT. YOU KNOW THAT IT WORKS. YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT YOUR OLD STUFF DOES NOT WORK. AND NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE.

AND - YOU CAN STAY STUCK AT THIS FORK IN THE ROAD FOR A VERY LONG TIME. BUT YOU CANNOT AVOID THE DECISION TO MOVE ON TOWARDS OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE AND INTO THE FREEDOM, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY STARTED TOWARDS THE WILD SIDE AND IT WILL PULL YOU. IT WILL HAPPEN, SOONER OR LATER. YOU ASKED FOR IT AND IT WILL HAPPEN.

IF YOU LOLLYGAG AND KEEP ON GOING BACK TO YOUR CAGE, YOU JUST WASTE TIME. IF YOU ARE LUCKY, SOMETHING WILL COME AND KICK YOUR ASS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

SO FAR, YOU NEVER WERE SO LUCKY, UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP AT TRACKER SCHOOL AND GRANDFATHER ASSIGNED ME AS YOUR COACH AND I HAVE KICKED YOUR ASS.
IF IT IS UNCLEAR TO YOU - ALL THIS TIME YOU HAVE BEEN RECRUITED. ALL THIS TIME, SOMEONE WORKED VERY VERY HARD TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT BOX. NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO CARRY ON YOURSELF, ON YOUR OWN.

I AM IRRELEVANT IN THAT. IN SOME WAYS I COULD BE RELEVANT, IF INDEED WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MATES, THEN SEXUAL ATTRACTION WILL SERVE AS A GLUE TO MAKE US STICK TO WORKING IT OUT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM PLEASANT.

HOWEVER, THE ONLY WAY IT COULD WORK IS BY YOU AGREEING TO BE FREE AND LIVE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THAT. THEN THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING TO BASE A RELATIONSHIP ON.

RIHHT NOW, YOU ARE LIKE A DOMESTICATED FARM ANIMAL, LIKE A COW TIED TO A CHAIN WITH 1000 OTHER COWS, FED ANTIBIOTICS, EATING SOME STALE FOOD, AND LIVING IN SHIT. SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT AND YOU ARE UNDER A ROOF AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO JOIN YOU IN YOUR CORAL. NO THANKS.

GOD IS WAY MORE THAN JUST THAT. GOD IS SOMETHING INFINITE.
YES, THERE ARE MANY PATHS TO GOD. FISH SWIM TO GOD, BIRDS FLY, 4-LEGGEDS RUN, CRAWLERS CRAWL. EVERYONE GOES TO GOD IN THE WAY THEY CAN. EACH TEACHER, EACH RELIGION IS APPEALING TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. AND THEY ALL *** EVENTUALLY *** LEAD TO GOD. SOME ARE FASTER AND SOME ARE SLOWER PATHS. SOME ARE DEAD ENDS AND PEOPLE HAVE TO JUMP TO ANOTHER PATH IN ORDER TO KEEP ON TRAVELING. SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO BUSHWACK TO FIND THE PATH AGAIN. WE ARE ALL ON A BLIND DRUM STALK, GOING BACK INTO GOD, AND EVENTUALLY IT ALL HAS TO LEAD TO GOD.

YOU ARE ON A DEAD END PATH AND YOU HAD TO BUSHWACK A LITTLE TO FIND A BETTER PATH, AND YOU FOUND IT. SO NOW YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO YOUR OLD OVERGROWN AND DEADENDING TRAIL - WELL, GOOD LUCK.

IF YOU WANT JESUS, THEN YOU NEED TO SAY THAT THERE ARE SO MANY VALID PATHS BUT JESUS IS YOUR CHOICE, AND THEN YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THE REAL JESUS, THE ESOTERIC JESUS. THE LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF JESUS.
GURDJIEFF TEACHINGS ARE ALL ABOUT THAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ABOUT PRAYER AND MEDITATION IN THE BOOKS WRITTEN BY EARLY STUDENTS, BUT IF YOU READ G'S BOOKS, IT IS ALL THERE, SPELLED OUT - WE ARE ALL HERE TO TAKE CARE OF GOD'S KINGDOM, AND THE WAY WE DO THAT IS BY INNER WORK AND TRYING TO BE CLEAR CHANNELS TO WHAT GOD REQUIRES OF US, AND BY KEEPING OURSELVES FREE OF NEGATIVITY AND BEING A POSITIVE INFLUENCE TO EVERYTING AROUND US.

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CARETAKERS. WHICH MEANS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOVERS, PROTECTORS, HEALERS, HELPERS, DISCIPLINARIANS, MESSENGERS, ALL THAT.

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SPEND OUR LIFE IN SERVICE TO THE HIGHER, SERVICE TO ALL LIFE, SERVICE TO HIGHER PRINCIPLES, SERVICE TO GOD AND ALL THAT IS HIS CREATION, WHICH IS EVERYTHING.

WHICH MEANS WE ARE MEANT TO BE GIVING, WE ARE MEANT TO BE COMPASSIONATE, WE ARE MEANT TO BE LOVING.

LOVE MEANS LOVE AND DISCIPLINE. I LOVED YOU ON MONDAY WHEN I SELF CONTROLLED MY SELF AND LET YOU RUN WITH YOUR BALL SO THAT YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF. I LOVED YOU WHEN I GAVE YOU A CHOICE AND THE CONSEQUENCES. AND I LOVE BOTH OF US AND AM TELLING YOU OFF.

TO YOU, CONSEQUENCES ARE ABOUT LOSING A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOME CHICK. TO ME, CONSEQUENCES ARE ABOUT SOMEONE CHOOSING TO WORK FOR EVIL AND NOT FOR THE GOOD OF ALL. YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO STAY ON THE EVIL SIDE. IN THE ETERNAL BATTLE OF GOOD AND EVIL, YOU FORTIFY THE EVIL SIDE. THAT'S THE CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR CHOICE.

TO ME PERSONALLY, THE CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT IS BEING FORCED INTO THAT HELL MYSELF. OUT OF LOVE FOR MYSELF, I REFUSE.
JUST LIKE I REFUSED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE HELL OF PARTIES AND WOMEN AND JELOUSY AND GAMES OF TEENAGE STAR. IN SOME WAYS, HIS ADDICTION TO STAYING ASLEEP IS MORE COMPATIBLE WITH WHAT I STAND FOR - ENJOYING LIFE, CELEBRATING GOD, BEING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. YOU STAND FOR SUFFERING, DENIAL, STRIFE, BEING CLOSED OFF. BOTH OF YOU ARE ASLEEP AND VICIOUS, VIOLENT, AND HURTFUL, AND OUT OF LOVE FOR MYSELF, I STAY OUT OF ANY OF THAT AND I MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

LOVE IS NOT SMOOCHEY, IT HAS DISCIPLINE. RIGHT NOW, OUT OF ULTIMATE COMPASSION FOR BOTH OF US, I AM SMACKING YOU IN THE FACE AND TELLING YOU OFF. YOU ARE RABID. GO AWAY WHERE YOU CAN HEAL.

YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED ENOUGH AND YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT SO FAR. I HAVE HELPED YOU BY GIVING YOU TOO MUCH SLACK, SO YOU ARE STILL LAZY AND SPOILED AND EGOCENTRICAL.

PERHAPS IT IS TIME THAT YOU STOP PAMPERING YOURSELF AND STEP ON YOUR OWN WORK AND START WALKING TOWARDS BECOMING A MAN.

PERHAPS YOU ARE INTERESTED ENOUGH IN BECOMING SOMEONE WHO CAN STAND BEFORE GOD.

PERHAPS. I AM NOT STICKING AROUND TO WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I TAKE YOU AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE UNACCEPTABLE BIG LITTLE SHIT, SPOILED, VICIOUS, SELFISH, VIOLENT, AND FRIGID. WHO CARES FOR THAT. IF YOU CANNOT TREAT ME WELL, YOU ARE OUT.

AND YOU CANNOT TREAT ME WELL AT ALL, YOUR BELIEFS ARE SUCH THAT PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING ONE LITTLE FINGER TOWARDS TREATING ANYONE WELL.

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Monday, September 15, 2008

The "holy trinity" and the blind spots

A long time ago, I did a Vision Quest. (Vision Quest is a Native American way to gain clarity. It involves sitting in a 10ft circle in the middle of the woods, alone, not speaking, not seeing anyone, for 4 days and 4 nights, just drinking water, trying to stay awake as much as possible, trying to Listen and to Communicate.)

So, it became clear to me what I intuitively understood earlier: each human being is a bridge between Earth and Spirit, and needs to have a harmonious relationship with the Earth, with God, with other humans, and with themselves internally.

This belief is the foundation of Japanese and other eastern beliefs, and also Hawaiian. I see it as a human being inside a circle consisting of 3 points.

Personally, I tent to slack on the human part. I don't like to idly chit chat and socialize, it is just a waste of time. I don't need to be impressing anyone, belittling anyone, gossip and bs are bologney, chattering away is boring.... So I tend to spend a lot of time alone.

However, there is a balance there, because each one of us does need to connect to other human beings. My healing mentors always told me that I am "wired differently" as a healer, and that indeed I am different, but I am not separate. In other words, it is my duty as well as my need to hang out with other people. The only question is where?

The African drum and dance classes used to be the only ways to draw the hermit me out to socialize with the public, because those events are cooperative community events that are truly win-win situations, where people come together to create something beautiful. My presence there and my effort contribute to the greater whole, and of course the vice versa, I greatly benefit from that music.

I can also hang out with people after the class. If I put effort to not be separate and to hold conversations at the level I am comfortable with, I have a great deal to contribute - people always need someone to listen to them, to validate them, to pay attention, to praise and encourage them. I can do that, as being a healer involves seeing the beautiful and worthy in each person. It also involves seeing the ugly and undeveloped, and figuring out a sly way to draw out the beautiful. It is like ... working with a diamond in the rough. How do we clean out the rough without damaging the diamond, and how do we liberate the diamond to schine as much as it can.

Because, each person can always participate on any level from low to high, if guided in that direction. If I start chitchatting bs, people will be tempted to participate in that. Yesterday I overheard a conversation about someone farting during yoga class. It was an interesting topic to the people who were talking... If I start talking about something deeper and in a more focused way, then it pulls people in that direction, and they have something to say about that. Yesterday someone talked about foster children and then another person mentioned their own experiences, and it was a deep sharing. It will change someone's life for better.

In my case, this improvement of putting more effort to connect with people in social situations comes because of my boyfriend, who saw the "diamond in the rough" in me and kindly said a few things that got me thinking.

WE ALWAYS NEED HELP OF OUR MORE EVOLVED FRIENDS, BECAUSE WE ARE BLIND TO OUR OWN BLIND SPOTS.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

What is God?

If I believe that God is ravengeful, and thus I fear God, what will my life be like?

Then I will worry only about my own survival and no matter what I do, I will make sure that my butt is not kicked.

If I believe that God is my best friend, a loving disciplinarian, a very loving all-knowing all-mighty ... parent, really, a Super Perfect Parent that always means me well, always schedules me perfectly, always takes care of me, never lets me off the hook, and is always there for me - then what will my life be like?

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Do I fear God, or not?

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend who was a hard core "Christian" meaning he went to church and bought everything line, hook and sinker, thinking he was Born Again superhero, and that showed - he was so closed off, so frozen, so distant and so incapable of relating that we had to part asap.

At the end we "debriefed" and that's how I finally heard this from him:

>YES, I FEAR GOD.

My response was:
That's it!!!! That is the most fundamental difference between you and me, and that's why we are alien species. I do NOT fear God. I wish I could say I love God, that is my intent, but I am sure I fall short of it. I do try. To me, God is something that helps me. It can play tricks on me and will never let me go astray, but I do not fear that. It is always done with a loving hand, like a good parent. If it has me grounded, I still feel loved and taken care of. In short, I feel like I am good buddies with God, I feel like he is a very loving and very disciplining force in my life and I believe that I am always, always protected and taken care of. God watches over me and makes sure I am ok. I have absolutely no fear of God. I KNOW God is something very very good.This to me is something I don't have to think about, it is on cellular level, I just know very deeply that God is somethign extremely positive that I can trust unconditionally and that always works for my good.

I don't fear my teachers either, although they set me up and caused me tremendous suffering in a very real and hillariously comical way. It was all good. It was done with a very good intent and in a very benevolent way. They never ask me to do what I cannot.

I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS GOOD, that He means me well, and that we are friends. To me, God is like a good parent, I trust Him unconditionally and I believe that he always takes care of me in the most loving way. There is no fear whatsoever. God wants me to be happy and serve His Kingdom, and He always puts me exactly where I need to be.

And you with your fear are totally frozen. Your church propagates that fear, it teaches you fear, it wants you in fear, because then you are controllable, full of guilt, full of fear, very easy to manipulate. You can never think for yourself and you can never feel and follow your heart. So, you have to obey them. Easy.

You believe you feel something which you don't. In some ways, the feeling of love is waking up in you. For someone who is so entrenched into believing in fear, it is rather difficult to defrost and feel love and all the things it brings, like care, consideration, etc. You are an expert in all things based on fear - rejection, distance, pride, lies, hypocrisy, guilt, anxiety, etc.

What you thought was "love" wasn't really love because it wasn't enough to melt away the fear. One day you will love soemthing enough to actually move beyond fear. Like I love my cat.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

reasons to run away from God

SOme personal things kept me very aware this week, I just finished a bout of black comedy. Working dilligently on the assignment of my friend Dr. Todd, I tried to have a relationship with a willing guy, who is - a devout Christian. Well, Dear Lord Jesus talked to him and told him that he is very displeased about sleeping before marriage, and the guy got majorly scared and ran away as fast as he could... that should be a good scene for a movie.

Seems like such species will use Church as an excuse. To them, God is like a Big Daddy, that one must appease in order to save one's ass. Those people live in fear that God will get them. So they try to be "good." They *pretend* they ARE "good." It is very delusional and very immature.

Which made me ponder about my own beliefs. As an atheist, seems like I downplay God and do whatever I want, and then remember that there must be something that can bail me out and then expect God to fix it and take care of me. Which is also immature.

The only valid relationship with God is something which is responsible and responsive - where I do my part to the best of my ability and keep communication open and collaborate with the Divine Friend Father Mother God, the Great Creator, the Great Mystery.

There is nothing as scary as working together with God. That meditation time seems like going into anihilation and we try to avoid it at any cost, run away into - whatever - get a cup of coffee, work hard, sleep, become a devout Christian, try hard to get enlightened, etc.

So, when we do our daily mediatition asking God to help us see ourselves clearly, we need to expect this. There is a part of us that wants to find a good excuse and run away. Any excuse is a good excuse to run away.

Can I have the strength, the courage, the tenacity, to let myself have my ego exposed to me? Can I have the strength, the courage, the tenacity, to just stay there and meet God?

Try it... after you meditated for a long long time and are ready. Good luck.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What is God like?

I just parted ways with an aspiring boyfriend, let's call him S, who is a Born Again Christian. His idea of the world is based on sin, guilt, fear, and some kind of "love of god" that I don't really get because God is shown as ravengeful punishing thing that one must fear and appease. So, S. is trying to be "good" so that this "god" won't smack him. S. is deeply, emotionally, at the core of his being very afraid of God and actually has physical reactions out of that fear. It stops him from living his life. In short, S. (and most church goers) have a very immature idea of God as a "big daddy" that will punish them and thus rules them by fear.

I come from atheist background from a family that believes that "there is Something, but not like god from church". Unfortunately, we never explored further this Something. Unfortunately, then my own belief in God was rather immature too - I can do whatever I want and God is supposed to fix it all and keep me safe, happy, etc.

A mature relationship with God is more on equal level. Well, not really equal, because God is certainly not equal :) I mean, on a level where we willingly cooperate. I do the things that I need to do, and God provides. Me and God talk it over, I get instructions and guidance, I provide feedback as to how things are going, I have some say, etc. and I do it.

How do I know which things I need to do? That's a very good question :) The answer is only in meditation. Daily meditation.


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As for the aspiring boyfriend: he tried for 2 years to convert me. He tried to pretend he wasn't this "christian" thing and he never fully showed it, but he tried to convert me to his side, which I think is plain stupid. Religious fundamentalism is definitely soemthing that caused and still causes a lot of grief on this planet, and S. is a good example of that. His life is unhappy and clogged up, frozen, to the point of not functioning as a normal healthy human being would, and also always lieing, feeling guilty, suffering, trying to cover up his tracks, etc. What kind of "god" is that?

God wants us free, open, loving, compassionate, contributing, warm, productive, happy, healthy, and all that. He wants us to care for the world. If we dont do service and care - and this is not necessarily "mother Theresa" kind of service - then we are not following God.
OUR MAIN SERVICE IS BY BEING HONEST TO OURSELVES, FREE FROM MEGATIVE EMOTIONS, POSITIVE, CHEERFUL, AND DOING OUR DUTIES WILLINGLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY, CARING FOR WHATEVER IS UNDER OUR CARE, WORKING FOR SOMETHING MUCH HIGHER THAN OUR OWN LITTLE ASS. As simple as that.

When people do not have the consciousness to udnerstand finer things, they make this very crude and low, they make it into rules and morals, fear, guilt, etc. That's their level of understanding... The only way is to increase the consciousness, the awareness, the maturity.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Being in tune with God

I was feeling rather ruffled, and then I went to the Ocean and said: I am insane, I have fallen off track with God and it feels awful. I need to get in touch again with God, please.

Then I had to drive off to work.

Later in the day, I begun to notice all the beautiful things around me. I noticed the flowers, the people, the sky, and I was feeling joyous and happy and enjoying it all. Someone sent me photos of hummingirds and it made me squeel in joy, they were soooo cute! Little puff balls perched on flowers....

I came home and realized that my prayer has been answered. Something did get me in touch with God, and I was feeling rapture, joy, appreciation, bliss, gratitude, and all that.

How close prayers are.... just ASK.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

neck massage: God heals

As I already wrote, a chiropractor yanked my neck and seriously injured it. It was so painful, I was scared. I am still dealing with it.

First I tried having someone fix it. Tough luck... The last chiropractor I went to was proclaimed the best in Honolulu and I went for 6 sessions and paid 240$ and nothing. He helped ZERO. The only good thing is that in his office I found the newspaper with the belly dance class article and went to the class and had a great time - and am blossoming ever since, I found what I like to do. So, I do believe the chiropractor has good intentions and is a healer on some level. He just doesn't know how to fix my neck.

Recently I gave up on others and started doing work on my own, going through each muscle and making sure it is free of trigger points. I found so many.... and am feeling better.

I really would like to find professional help of someone who can help me with this. The back is hard to reach on my own.

Tonight I found a trigger point in scalenes and it was soooooo ouchy, I was in a daze, and that's when I heard the Hawaiian voices, they were giving me instructions, in Hawaiian. My cat came to look to see what was happening. Someone was there.

I don't speak Hawaiian yet but seems like I will have to :)

As I was sitting on the beach, I did the sufi zihkrs - for those of you who know what it is - it is a movement of the neck, doing a rotation across the chest and then looking up and down - and chanting the words. What I chanted was the arabic phrase that means something like this in loose translation:

GOD IS EVERYWHERE

GOD IS EVERYTHING

THERE IS NOTHING BUT GOD.

And I felt better afterwards. There is something very profound when we contemplate what this sentence means.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

It took me days to digest this. Thanks for asking. In short, my parents don't care if I am happy or not, unless it brings them something. Prestige, money, ...

The interesting thing is that my parents are not bad people, and if you ask them if they love me, they will say yes of course. And they mean it, on one level. It is a nice idea, makes them look good. On the level of actual action, there is much more to be desired. On the level of action, their interests come first. Right now they think they need me, so they are nice to me. When I was growing up and until recently, when they got old and alone at home, they hardly paid any attention to me.

This is extremely hard to digest. To realize that your own parents don't really care for you is rather harsh, cruel, difficult, to see. Another difficult thing is to realize how much I was like them, and how much of my life before was wasted being like them. The later realization came relatively recently. When I was younger, I was very angry at them. Now I cannot be. They are old and it is silly expecting them to change. There is a certain level of forgiveness, knowing that somehow everything worked out all right.

The rough past certainly led me to the healing path. Even as a child, somehow I knew - and I have no idea how, because I had no supporting evidence - that there was a better way. I just knew it, and I wowed to find out. So, here we are!


My parents left last night. I dropped them off at their airport gate. By the time I parked and came back, they already left through the gate and we didn't even say good bye! It seemed like they were interested in leaving quickly. On the other hand, I also wanted too go home soon... It was fun having them, but also challenging. They also thought that for me. So did we just get rid of each other ???

I thought and thought about this today until my brains got all confused, so I just said to God: ok, I want to awaken. That's the only way to really get out of this quigmire called Earth. It is rough here on Earth. The only way is to truly be aware of God. Then everything is clear. There is no other way. So, God, I demand, I ask, I require to Awaken.

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