Thursday, July 31, 2008

persisting

Two weeks ago, I was at the NMT class, which was too much for me - being in a room stuck with a bunch of asleep people just overpowered my ability to handle crowds. I just cannot do that anymore. Working by myself actually made me spoiled - I am used to peace and quiet. So, 2 days indoors in a small room with lots of people was just too much, I was exausted.

The week after that was a good week because I realized I was behind, so I put in effort to coach myself and then the week turned out well.

Then comes this week. I phoned my ex boyfriend, the religious fundamentalist, to see what he was up to, because I felt something nagging me. Well, he was up to praying DAILY for "my salvation" which he already promised several times he won't do. I told him to pray to his own salvation and leave me alone. Which he flat refused! He said that he cares for me so much that he has to pray for me, every day. I had to spend 5 mins convincing him to stop because I simply refuse to be the recipient of such "care" and I think that his "god" is a silly and rather deadly and evil human construction designed to keep people enslaved, just like himself; and that his "praying" is just a way to look good to himself, so no thanks, find something else to pray about. The net result feeling was that I was just exausted and rather scared, here is this stalker praying to put me into his christian bag and make me into a cookie cutter zombie like himself.

It takes some effort to overcome being involved with a crazy person like that, it has consequences in terms of getting them out of one's energy field.

So comes this week and having to overcome that feeling of having to deal with the consequences of my mistake of getting involved with this crazy person. Well, we move on! And quickly, since I am already over 40 and there is no time to waste with wrong boyfriends. Wrong boyfriends are deadly, because they are draining. There is no time for that.

BTW, in the view of what I realized regarding inner child last week, applies directly to all these "christians". This boyfriend ran away because "god" scolded him for trying to sleep without being married, and that's plainly stated in the Bible, so! This guy has done so MANY things that the Bible flat condems, and many things that my God would have trouble with. Bible says no divorce. It says love your neighbor as thyself. This guy violated Bible all the time - was estranged from his wife for years, divorced her, and so on. This guy violated what I would call "God" by being distant and non-loving, etc. To me, that is totally against God, which is about compassion, love, sharing, service, honesty, kindness, being present, being in the moment, etc.

So obviously, this fear of sex is something irrational that Christians have, and it must come from the childhood, where someone really scared the kid into believing that sex is soemthing dangerous that will be punished. And no wonder - if someone is so stupid to think that Hooters is interesting, they obviously have NO CLUE about sex at all and would get in trouble and thus better be regulated by an external authority, like church. And church surely exploits that... And of course, the cycle gets worse, because without any real "compass" inside, such people are totally left at the mercy of Hooters and such, which exploit the basic human urge covered with the sense of guilt and shame.

"Abstinence makes church grow fondlers."

What I learned from this "christian" is how they PRETEND that they do not feel anything that is "bad", so their whole life is a lie; and how vicious they are to keep the lie going. As I said, some persona inside really IS SCARED.

That persona inside is scared of coming close and being in the moment. The issue of sex is really not the issue. The main issue is that this guy has done pretty attrocious things in terms of not being honest and not being close, not working things out, not communicating with me, but always doing his own thing and alone. THAT is the issue. Which he is trying to get out of by having this wonderful exuse of Bible. There are other issues, such as love. He didn't really love me, he liked the idea of having something exotic far away and imagining how grand he is. Seems like this was not meant to be love anyways, when I look back, I did not love him fully (partially because he was distant and maybe because I would never love him anyways) and he is trying to save his face and get out with a "legit" exuse that makes him look good.

So what I concluded is that two people have to come to face each other fully, without any masks and pretenses, and then see if really there is a match. If there is, then details work out. If there isn't, then at least there is honest and amicable parting.

PS - it is impossible to deny oneself what one truly feels. The only thing a human being can do is be honest to oneself. Which is an art in itself and requires a LOT OF PRACTICE. WHich can *never* be found at church, and can be found only at the feet of a true spiritual teacher.

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