Friday, July 31, 2009

enlightment in Wallmart

I ate before the drum class in Honolulu, which is great (and unusual - usually I am hungry and rushing home). This time I was fine so I went shopping on the way home. There are so many little thing I need but never have time - translated: I never have desire - to shop. I dislike shopping and stores and all that hoola boola. It is tiring and noisy and stressful.
Shopping is unavoidable at some point, unfortunately. My water filter started blinking red and needed to be replaced.

Some things I need to keep my life organized, some things I need to keep things working, some things break and need to be replaced, some things I need for convenience. Like, I need to replace water filter because it is more than 2 months already, a nut for the massage table because the old nut fell out, a calendar for the next academic year, bathroom and work room bulbs burned so I needed bulbs (and one had to be a special small bulb), my old tarp completely fell apart, it would be nice to have a covering for my closet because it doesn't have a door and all clothes are exposed, ....

So a lot of shopping items have been on the agenda for a long time but I never get organized to actually shop for them, and/or I do look for them but never find it. I am a master shopper and I always look for deals. My clothes collection is admirable - for very little money. So I always look for items, like glass containers with lids, 2$ tops for dancing, etc. If I find it, fine, if not, life goes on. Like a small iron skillet - I have been looking for one for years now and somehow always miss it. So I am stuck scrubbing enamel pots which are completely not designed for making scrambled eggs. Then I have dirty burned dishes in my sink... And keep on looking for an iron skilled without luck. This is an island, when a shipment comes, it sells out... and a new shipment comes who knows when. I shop so seldom so I always somehow miss the shipment. Some things I kinda give up - like the door covering. It was just a big job, I tried so many things and it never worked so I stopped looking for a solution. I just wasn't inspired.

But on Wednesday, I was feeling happy and rested, and ready to tackle some organizing. It didn't matter that I was dressed in a bathing suit top and a sarong, because that's what I wear around. It didn't occur to me that it was something unusual. I didn't plan to go shopping. It just fell like it after the class. And I know why - I was just full of life and full of energy and I didn't want to go to an empty house. Plus, I HAD TO get that water filter and the only way is to buy it in Honolulu, so shopping was unavoidable at some point. So, at about 8pm, I set off.

First I stopped at Office Max, no CD holder, no filters, but I got a calendar and a notebook for the class next week.
Then I stopped at Wallmart to get a CD holder and filter. No CD holder. But: I found small iron skillet; a brown cheap tarp; natural light bulbs; refills for my mop; some really cool music CDs which I actually don't need :) but bought anyways :) I found the CDs as I was trying if the plastic boxes can hold the CDs.

It was late already. The store was getting empty and clerks were filling the shelves. Everyone was looking at my sarong. Most workers were locals and it was very amazing to see me with a sarong on the buying side, and them, the same kind, on the cheap labor side. Some men made comments at me. Teenagers looked me over. I just ran from them. And I kept on looking around the store for the items I needed, because I know I will be back at that store many months from now (the last time I shopped was in January!), so better use the chance.

I looked at my basket, and it had the ordinary life items. I looked at the people around me. I looked at the items for sale, very complicated things that make life a lot complicated. I didn't need any of that. I needed an iron skillet, some light bulbs, a bucket, mop refill, etc. Simple things.

Somehow something CLICKED in my head and the picture emerged - how my life is. My life is simple. What was in my basket was simple. I was quite free of all that stuff in the store (well not totally free yet but definitely quite cured from what I used to be, a shopper trying everything new).
My life now is simple. I actually have the time to live my life! All the items in my basket were simple essentials. They showed a functional simple life. All the drama and disfunctionality of my childhood was gone. I was free, naked, living, NOW.

I don't know what happened when I looked at the items in my basket except that somehow I got a message: THIS IS MY LIFE. I AM LIVING MY LIFE. Somehow something happened where it became crystal clear to me that I was living my life and that that was it. That I was caring for myself, that I was living, and that the juice was on. This was my life and I was living it. And there was self care, there was simplicity, there was time, and there was also need to get married and have a family. I was ready.

It is very very difficult to put into the words what I received. Somehow it made me really appreciate my life and realize that I was already taking care of me and needed to take even better care of me. It hit me that I needed to move my bed into a different direction. That I needed to put that closet door covering and make my bedroom into something nicer and more liveable and suitable. That I needed to work a little harder on finding a life partner and husband.

So I bought some curtains for the closet door. I bought several and got ready to return what doesn't fit.

I then went into clothes, and looked for massage outfits, and didn't find anything. By that time, I had a feeling that I was pushing it and needed to quit asap. Rightfully so - it was already 2:30am :) and I already have tons of clothing. So I paid and left.

As soon as I got home, I changed the bed and tried the curtains.

A very subtle and profound healing, right there in the mid of Wallmart. You never know!!!! God catches us when we least expect it. A GOd can send a teaching via a Wallmart basket. Wow. Tricky clever mischiefy God he is.

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

my mom on Hell and Cealo on enlightment

I mistakenly tried to go out with a fundamentalist "christian", the kind that believes in "Jesus only", "bible verbatim" and if you obey those rules, you are a child of God and you to Heaven, otherwise you are NOT a child of God and you go to Hell. So - he was assuredly on his way to Heaven, no matter how he lived his life now and today - he was "with the program" and his Heaven membership was assured. I, on the other hand, wasn't even a child of god and was destined to hell, according to him. Well, he said that even Dalai Lama, Buddha, and all saints and sages of all religions needed to get a savior in Jesus asap and be saved... because all of them were going to hell too. Wow!

My mom's comments:
don't worry about hell, honey, even Hell has been modernized. They quit heating with cauldrons with hot oil, not it's all central heating.

And please tell your darling: either we go to Heaven or to Hell, but we go together. It's not possible that you go to Heaven and I go to Hell.

So, indeed it is not possible. I had to ditch that bastard strutting his "christianity" and let him continue living in his own hell of trying to pretend going to some fake heaven. His arrogance towards others, attachment to feeling superior, self aggrandization in feeling "special", laziness in totally not trying to live his life NOW in an exemplary way, and this attachment to anticipating pleasure of Heaven and genuine fear for his ass about ending up in Hell and trying to act like a good boy on the surface - at others' people expense - all that was clearly just immaturity and selfishness, crazy garbage to be dropped asap. The guy was totally incapable of love, of opening, of truly feeling, of being honest, of being himself, of accepting others and appreciating EVERYTHING as an expression of God. Only his special clique was to be appreciated - and of course he couldn't even do that. To truly appreciate, one has to be sufficiently open and capable of feeling love, and this guy couldn't - he couldn't give any attention to anything, he coulnd't even pet my cat. That's what "christianity" is today - churchianity, creating zombies with brainwashed minds and as far from real Jesus and real Christianity as possible. It is 100% diametrically opposite of what real Christianity is.

My friend said with a very very sorry tone, looking at me with a note of pity: how did you do that, didn't you know? THose christians are so afraid of going to hell...

No I didn't know, I have never met a brainwashed being like that. Now I know. I should have trusted my instincts. There was something scary and evil oozing out of this guy, and that's exactly that - carrying mental knives on All Life, dividing Oneness into "my club" and "not my club" and trying to save his ass at all costs. It just made me feel queezy, it was just such an off tone.... Now I know why.

My mom scolded me for not giving up earlier. Sometimes it takes us a while to get wise... There is that song: the son of the preacher man. Those fake christians can talk sweetly and are very very deceiving, actually, I fell pray to that ass kissing and tried to talk about possibly getting together for two months. Finally it dawned on me that it is all in vein, the guy just cannot love and does not love me, not matter what he SAYS, because he ain't DOING what he is saying. Because his whole world view is based on something that keeps him closed off and insane. He simply cannot and never will love, period. Once that illusion of hoping to expreience love was shattered, it was very easy to quietly just drop him.

This is what Cealo said about it - he said it much better than I did - although I have no clue how I know this, I just KNOW:

Subject: November Fullmoon Message from His Holiness Gayuna Sundima Cealo
Date: Nov 12, 2008 3:19 PM

Being connected to each other…
Understanding each other…
Sharing dreams together…
Taking one's own right and true path…

Anyway, everyone has one's own way.
There are so many entrances to go in.
Comparison makes the state uncertain.
Each one has one's own pace.
It is alright, isn't it?

Sooner or later, we all reach to the same destination.
Just keep moving on your path and growing your self
as well as you can, smile at the different ones
when you see them at the peak.

Gayuna Sundima

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