Sunday, April 5, 2009

God knows it all

I was feeling ravengeful and angry at someone who was doing something stupid towards me. Objectively speaking, the person was mistreating me. However: I was acting stupidly too, participating in this sick game, by getting all upset about their misconduct. I caught myself sniveling and bitching about "how could they possibly do that!!!". And did you notice - the more upset you get, the more you are likely to be poked? Some people feed on irritating others. Since my reaction provided that type of sick entertainment that made them feel important, yes, of course, they kept on poking me more, to see me wiggle. I didn't find it amusing at all! And I wanted to stop playing the game on my side. I was getting angry, I was getting cunning, I was getting proud, I was getting defensive. But of course, it never worked. I only felt worse.

Then I realized: God knows it all. God knows the path for this person and the path for me. I don't have to get all riled up because God will take care of whatever needs to happen. It is His job. Not mine.

God takes care of the whole world, so This Great Mystery will take care of every little detail, to the perfection. So why worry? I just need to keep on going about my business to the best of my ability, making sure that my duties are fulfilled. That's *all that is my job.

As soon as I thought that: I just let God take care of this, and I trust that God has the path for this person and the path for me, and each person will be led to the best possible outcome for them; I wish the best to this person on their blessed way, and I merrily go on my blessed way -

pooof! the whole thing was gone. All of the sudden, there was no more issue.

Seems like this was accidental discovery of forgiveness? :) This, in essence, is the Hawai'ian hoo'pono'pono forgiveness and mediation ceremony. Look it up. I have done hoo'pono'pono before, but in my head :) Finally, after many many repetitions, seems like a little bit sunk it a little deeper.

Why did it sunk in? Because I had some problems that I needed resolved, so I was willing to Work on myself AND without sniveling. I stopped saying "I DONA WANNA!!!" to God and I said "YES."

Also, why was I more willing to say "yes"? Because I got "toys" from God so I was more cooperative. I had something. Like kids on the playground - when you think you got nothing, when your mommy doesn't love you and the teddy bear is missing, then everything bothers you and you just sulk. When you are sure that your mommy loves you and your teddy is still there, then you become sweet and cooperative.

I feel like that - like some kid that God bribes by ocassionally reminding me that He, my Mother Father God, does love me, and that I still have the teddy bear. My teddy bear is healing work, that's what I love to do. One of my mentors was telling me that it is global crisis now so completely let go of any hopes of doing healing work professionally. My response: I am doing it anyways! What do you know about God's plans for me?

This week it was the Haleiwa farmer's market. I had lots of customers and had a great time. What made me happy is giving - giving of my gift, of my love, of my attention, and helping people feel better. The theme was "neck". Hanging out, doing orthopedic massage, out in fresh air, with so many interesting people ( mostly women), and ALL of them with the SAME really tight spot in the neck... And precisely the spot that I worked on myself, so I knew exactly how it felt and how to fix it. So I could help them.

I need to study more, to be able to help more, that's my conclusion.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Love is necessary like food or air

I think a whole web page on relationships is in order. Relationships are very much related to our health, healing, and happiness.

Last month, my ex-boyfriend tried to come back, after 7 months of absence. In such cases, one needs to "show up with flowers" and he didn't. Needless to say, I just chased him away. He kept on coming back, without flowers, and I kept on shooing him away.

It lasted for 1.5 months. During that time, I was totally disoriented. Here is this person who is supposed to love me, and on some level he does, I can feel that; but he doesn't show it in practical life and in relating to me. So, he is out, as simple as that.

So, I was rather stuck. In retrospect, the understanding that we have here in Hawaii about relationships and relating is very much in aloha spirit, and we take it for granted. Compassion, consideration, forgiveness, kindness, harmony, etc. are all ingrained. My ex is a Minnesota church-going "stiff white male" ridden with certain guilt and stiffness, and lives in S. California, the land of greed, grabbing, and competiton. He is super responsible and hard working, but unaware of what makes aloha aloha. He is happy when it is there and suffers when it's not there, but is not aware of what makes it so.

When there is aloha, it feels good! When there is no aloha, there is no life! As simple as that.

We talked about it. Explaining aloha is rather easy, actually. Every competent self-help modality and spiritual literature spells out aloha. It is extremely simple: always be sincere, be kind, etc. We tried practicing it. It works. It is a wonderful sense of opening, being able to breathe again, connect with All Life. It has a refreshing effect on everything.

What we practiced is "marriage yoga", the highest form of yoga. Can I still be kind etc. when I am invested in wanting something - wanting the other person to "love me" and give me their attention in the way I want - can I still be kind and selfless?

This fear that prevents us from Connecting.

Am I willing to be willing to expose my ego to myself?

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