Sunday, November 15, 2009

The healing effects of music

The post that I wrote earlier was written while listening to Buena Vista Social Club CD, which has music from Cuba. It is nice music, but. It produces a certain emotional effect, it reallies up the emotions, and actually muddies up the mind.

I felt it. I felt that what I was writing was not quite right and that I HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS WRITING ABOUT. For example, I have no idea if the party boy came looking for me. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was. Who knows, except God? So why bother even thinking about it.

So then I realized that my mind was all cluttered because of that music and I put in some Tibetan chanting. Instantly, my whole being is rejuvenated, my mind is clear, and I can work productively.

Interesting, isn't it.

I knew this from before, because when I was painting my Native American drum, I was listening to radio and Eric Clapton was on, and I felt completelly zonked out, drugged out, all foggy in my head. I could not paint the drum. So I put on some Tibetan flute music and voila - my mind cleared up and I could work.

I also know that if I listen to rock-n-roll and it "sounds good" it is because I am in a total wacko state of mind, i.e. neurotic, angry, pent up, etc. Also, when I am in that state, meditative music sounds too slow. That's my first sign that I have gone off the deep end.

When I am feeling right, then meditative music feels good and anything else feels bad.
And, my cat confirms that. When she listens to something, it means music is healing. Her favorite is Tibetan Lama Tashi chanting.

You can also probably feel the different quality in how I am writing now - it feels more present, because I am more present, because of the music. It was my intent to get out of the fuzzy state, and music was a helper.

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Sunday, October 18, 2009


I was going bananas -

and finally finally I took the hint and went into wilderness -

ooooooooooh what a relief.

It is so soothing, calming, refreshing to be in wilderness.

All people stuff just disappears and what is left is just Purity of God.

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Thursday, October 1, 2009

healing benefits of "wavy" dance

There was some heavy furniture that I tried to move, and later feelt pain in my back. It didn't help at all that I didn't have enough sleep for days because the schedule was so busy, and that I was doing a lot of physical labor (paining, srubbing the floor on all 4, etc.) The pain in the back went away, but then the knee hurt, and I could feel the ankle beginning to complain and also the neck wasn't happy. Conclusion: the back adjusted its position to avoid pain, so then the pain transferred. I would try massaging the knee, then the knee was fine but then the back hurt. Then I'd massage the back (by myself).

I then went belly dancing with Aisha of Greece. She is amazing - she told us exactly which muscles to move and which to avoid. After 2 hrs of that, I was feeling a lot better - not stiff anymore, but flexible and relaxed again.

However, I had to do painting and cleaning up (another story) after her class, and so I was tired, achey, etc. with the work and the lack of sleep. In 3 days, I had only a few hours of sleep and was extremely physically active.

The next day, in spite of all that, I went Congolese dancing. We did some yoga, we did some warmups, and then we did the dance, which is very much "wavy", similar to belly dance. The pelvis moves and rotates freely. I was practicing what Aisha taught us in belly dance and could feel how my pelvis is relaxed and moving freely.

I walked out of that class completely fine. 100% feeling 100% good. It stayed permanent.

The moral of the story: THE PELVIS IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING.

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

HumanRemodeling youtube list

All the healing music, song, dance, ... there. Let me know if you find something else to be included.

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Some really good fun

Just came back from Congolese drum and dance camp,

Wow - it was awesome. It is so much fun, and also an excellent physical and mental workout, and also - people are so nice. All teachers are Natives from Congo and they give the camp a certain flavor of an African village, and it feels good, that living the Native way.

Music and dance are so kinky funky that it is a phenomenal martial arts and awareness practice. Playing it and dancing it requires paying attention and yet being relaxed, at the same time; knowing your part and yet synchronizing with the rest. It unites body, mind and spirit. One has to be in the groove and just fly with the music. It is an excellent excellent workout. It is also an exercise in community and communication. For example, each drummer plays a different beat and they all have to match. All dancers have to dance the same thing and also move together in lines. Drummers and dancers have to work together. There is singing while drumming and dancing. It is a moving, evolving, tenacious energy. Very powerful and also very gentle.

There is also kalimba playing, which sounds angelic (bush doctor plays this) and so on.

And storytelling - interactive storytelling! audience has to participate - such fun and deep stories. The storyteller dances the story and signs too.

And people listen to each other and have conversations. There is caretaking of each other. Also, it is very healing to be acknowledged and respected like that.

There is not much on Congolese drum/dance, so this is a gem. Here are some links to Congolese: there is a promotional video with a dance clip - the guy is 42 yrs old! the lady even more - dancing/drumming this stuff keeps body young for a long time. Every year there is camp in Hawaii in March, and one in July in N. California, 10 days each, you can come for any amount of time and not even take classes. Some teachers live in Paris, some live in Oakland and teach weekly classes, some teach congolese drumming at universities.
Search for Chrysogone Diangouaya and Hyacinte Massamba - phenomenal drumming clip

If you want to order a CD with drumming and singing, then you will have to contact and arrange to carry his CD. He and his group drum and sing, it is an awesome CD.

THere is West African too - it is a little better known by now, because they got instructional DVDs and CDs. It is very powerful too. with Yousuff Koumbassa - check out his dance dvd in "bio" Moustapha Bangoura and Le Bagatae - check out dance clips

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

West African music

Check out movement and later sound, click on "bio" then scroll down to see the movement in slow motion. Notice the smile. and click on "see preview 1" and this is what it looks like

West African Natives have a very ingrained musical tradition tied to healing, "djeli" families are responsible for oral passing of tradition, music, storytelling, and peacemaking.

I have been hanging out with several of those Natives lately and playing drums and dancing, and there is a definite and very pronounced healing effect and community building. These are very very traditional moves and rhythms, very ancient, and they are designed to "do" something and they do - they somehow put you in a higher state and thus heal.

Africans drum and sing and dance with everything - someone drums when they work the fields, when they fish, for initiations, etc. Not to mention the aerobic workout, sense of movement, presence, concentration, relaxation, freedom in the body, etc. Westerners often think it is great for drum circles and shaking one's butt sexy, but that is soooo off the mark, and this African music just recalibrates us Westerners to being normal again and functional within a community.

In short, this "art part" is a very crucial part of Native living, a magical part.

Right now a lot of West Africa is staying home jobless and just getting drunk on home-made beer. What Africa has to offer is priceless and we need to somehow learn it while there are a few keepers left.

I have tried all kinds of music and dance, but West African has something pure and undiluted, because it is completely illogical and forces you think about each and every step. Also, it is completely free of any games, pretenses, etc, just joy of dancing and being alive and connected to Earth. Belly dancing should be like that too, but it is often reduced to the level of sex entertainment and/or has an attitude of trying the engage the audience and keep them captivated, i.e. it becomes emotionally charged drama and ego food. West African is not sexy at all although it has a lot of pelvic moves and is sexy, but the moves are done with pelvis like they would be done with an arm or head, all body parts are EQUAL. It is very ... Earthy and very One. Also, the emotion is neutral, it is sheer joy. There is no dramas, no games, nothing. Just joy.

Something Sacred and Something That Builds Community is hidden in that music and dance.

And I encourage you to explore it.


We need to wish for these very precious ancient art keepers sincere wishes to succeed and pass the knowledge. These are Native people in charge of what might be one of the few left truly ancient healing things. Please respect and support them and help them Teach.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

West African party!

Come and dance your heart out! Very healing, very workout, and very fun.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

West African music

is healing - that's all I can say. There is a famous teacher here now, giving drum and dance classes, and it is amazing. That music just does something wonderful (of course if you let it...) and letting is requires being alert yet relaxed and kinda letting the music guide you through your body and senses (higher senses too), it is like meditation in movement. Like true martial arts, in some ways.

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

monk seal on the beach

There was an adult monk seal on the beach in the neighborhood this evening. Kids came to check on it, it was just layung down in front of the huge apartment building.

Then a relatively young woman (in her 30s) came out and practically sat on the seal - perhaps about 20 ft away... The seal lay there for a very short time, then started going into water. I saw a flash from the woman... Later she defended herself saying that the seal went away on its own and the flash was from a cell phone...

Gosh, yet another stupid "tourist". Tourist on Earth -

doesn't this person know that wildlife doesn't like being encroached upon and definitely does not like any techno gizmos that flash and/or make noise?

We need more Earth education, for sure. People need to learn to be stewards of the Earth and its life. It is healing for everyone. It helps provide living environment for everyone and everything.

The kids came back to check on the seal and were so disappointed that the seal was gone. Yes .... Hope the seal is safe. Often they get to the shore because sharks chase them, or the waves are too much, or....

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Friday, November 14, 2008

the healing effect of music

Salaam Ensemble
Souhal Kaspar
Houman Pourmehdi
Brahim Fribgane

Just came back from the concert by Salaam Ensamble, several middle-eastern musicians of very high caliber. Wow! It was amazing. It touches something inside.

And yet, the whole experience is not even close to one sitting in a meditation group. I noticed on my way back - I have already forgotten the concert and was pretty much back in the old rut. But after a meditation meeting - no. Something else happens and I am quiet.


Poem by Rumi:

What is it to be done, O Moslems? For I do not recognize myself.
I am neither Christian, nor Jew, nor Gabr, nor Moslem.

I am not of the East, nor of the West, nor of the land, nor of the sea;
I am not of Nature's element, nor of the circling heavens.

I am not of earth, nor of water, nor of air, nor of fire;
I am not of the empyrean, nor of the dust, nor of existence, nor of entity.

I am not of this world, nor of the next, nor of Paradise, nor of Hell;
I am not of Adam, nor of Eve, nor of Eden and Rizwan.

My Place is the placeless, my trace is the Traceless;
It is neither body nor soul, for I belong to the soul of the Beloved.

I have put duality away, I have seen that the worlds are one;
One I seek, One I know, One I see, One I call.

He is the first, He is the last, He is the outward, He is the inward;
I know none other except "Y Hi" and "Yan Man Hu"

I am intoxicated with Lover's cup, the two worlds have passed out of my ken;
I have no business save Carouse and reverly.

If once in my life I spent a moment without thee,
From that time and from that hour I repent my life.

If once in this world I win a moment with thee,
I will trample on both worlds, I will dance in triumph forever.

O Shams Tabrizi, I am so drunken in this world,
That except of drunkeness and reverly I have no tale to tell.

==== this is actually sung in Persian. Salam Ensamble has recordings of this kind of stuff....

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Spas vs healing

This is a letter that I actually sent to someone who has a fancy place which they wanted to turn into a "healing center" but - I think it is just yet another spa.
Also, I wonder if I sent this letter already :) I hope I didn't. As I clean my mailbox, things happen :)

somehow your address popped up. I gave you two massages a long time ago and we spoke about me working for you.

Your employee XYZ got back to me saying that what I charge is too much and that you cannot work with that. She inflated what I charged - it was 80 and she said 120$. So I won't be working for you, seems like.

If that is indeed true that you are not willing to pay "excellent wage" to get "excellent people", then the whole setup is yet another spa - pretty and posh environment with "servants" who are nice to the guests but are not much trained and are paid little.

Your place is very beautiful and you spent a lot of money on that. You say you want "excellent practitioners" but where you can get good people for little money? The whole idea of spending money on THINGS and never on PEOPLE is not a healing idea. That whole beautiful place cannot fix a kink in no back, no matter how much you try. Only a skilled therapist can.

Most employees at spas are not interested in continuing their training, and of course they will never be able to afford any training anyways with the lousy pay they get.

To have a clinical bodyworker and healer, like myself, it takes money to keep on training and of course money to pay for results. I was the only one able to relax the back of the wife. It takes skill, talent, a LOT of training to be able to do that, and living a certain lifestyle every day. Very few people have that. Since I saw you last, I went for ... hm, hard to enumerate everything - 500$ weekend in neuromuscular therapy, 200$ lomi instruction, 400$ weekend in Bowen therapy, .... I can't even remember it all. Videos, books, etc. - probably 1000$ on all that.

I am famous as a healer, someone who produces results. I have a gift. And I am interested in healing, not spas. Some people need to play rich in a spa, and some people need to fix the kinks in their back :) and their lives.

PS - I am putting this letter on my blog, of course you stay anonymous.

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Gypsy music, West African music

This is way awesome - gypsy way to party, straight from back home. A great contribution of E. Europe! Also notice the playfulness of the players - again contribution of E. Europe, where people had plenty of opportunity to develop some finer inner qualities - partly genetics, and partly because there was little going on externally.

Notice that the music speeds up as the "musicians" get more and more into it - typically, many gypsy songs start with something like: "life is miserable, she left me..." and then speed up into: "heck, life is still good, lets' party!" and then it ends in total crescendo.

Now, that is often the problem with E. European music etc - it is kinda bipolar :) First, it is very complex emotionally; it expresses a very very wide range of rather complex emotions, both on the uplifting and dragging down sides. Second, it goes from great melancholy all the way to total exaltation, and it stirs emotions big time. Once you start flying like that, it takes great skill to come back down to Earth and calm down those adrenal glands that went hyper.

E. European music can have a self destructive emotional quality, because a lot of it was sung, and still is, for bars and drinking parties. So, the songs can often encourage living it all up tonight and forgetting that tomorrow will come for sure and we will have to pay.

Also, come to think of it, E. European music is typically for adult entertaining only. It is used for country fairs, where traditionally young men and women go to dance to meet possible mates, also for weddings, and for bars and parties. All mentioned involves great deal of alcohol, and typically some rather sexually explicit female singer. There is also some dancing "as sport", i.e. one can go to a dance class in "YMCA"-like environment and dance there, and even perform. So, unfortunately, the music and dance could be used much more productively in daily life.

After playing West African music for about ... 4 yrs now, I tend to prefer it. Why? Because it makes me feel good, it grounds me.
West African music is very different than what I grew up with because the emotion is neutral, and music only contains positive, celebrative vibe. It is totally grounded, even if it calls for flying. It is very tenacious in terms of staying on the beat, so there is discipline in it that transfers to the audience, combined with creativity and playfulness. And total unpredictability - West African music is all "groovey" and impossible to participate in unless one is totally relaxed yet completely alert.

Thus, dancing or playing African music is extremely healing and soothing, and gives clarity. It seems more designed for survival, i.e. as if it is designed only for having positive effect on people. I suppose because it is played for the entire community, for families, children, etc. and it is designed to help people live better together in harmony, achieve health, happiness, accomplish goals like farming, etc. and for a long time, through generations. There are even dating dances etc but it is all very well regulated by elders. In short, it is clean good fun, and that is what makes it very healing.

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Friday, September 19, 2008

(West) African music

I just came back from West African dance class, with live drummers. Wow. I came to class rather feeling stuffed up, stiff, and tired. We danced, I got to sweat like a pig, and huff and puff, my lower back made some sounds when it went back into place, and it seems as if my whole body got "oiled up" and recalibrated, and I was very very happy and clear headed at the end.

Then I started thinking and the clarity went away. So, I realized:

during the african dance, I wasn't really thinking in a "normal" way, it was some higher level of thinking, which made me feel rejuvenated and refreshed.

There was no negative emotions, just BEing and dancing. No thinking, no judgement, etc. (well, there was some, since I showed up in my work dress and was a little limited in my range of movement, but it was ok). It was sheer joy of dancing...

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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Healing effect of music

Adam Gyorgy gave a concert here in Hawaii, in a chappel, on Ocean shore by tiki torches, palm trees and Ocean gently splashing...

The concert was fabulous - Gyorgy has ***such*** a good touch, the notes just come
out like a stream of water under moonlight, it just flows... Every note crystal
clear and with some kind of pure intent... He is very young and some of that innocence, joy and whatever else is just felt in what he is playing, it just is so ... gentle.

I could just feel my heart opening and becoming warm and fuzzy and me feeling normal
again.... It feels like flying.

ps - he is from and lives in Budapest.

PPS - And, classical music is proven to reduce blood pressure by 20%... A local surgeon played it before every surgery with great results...

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Love is necessary like food or air

I think a whole web page on relationships is in order. Relationships are very much related to our health, healing, and happiness.

Last month, my ex-boyfriend tried to come back, after 7 months of absence. In such cases, one needs to "show up with flowers" and he didn't. Needless to say, I just chased him away. He kept on coming back, without flowers, and I kept on shooing him away.

It lasted for 1.5 months. During that time, I was totally disoriented. Here is this person who is supposed to love me, and on some level he does, I can feel that; but he doesn't show it in practical life and in relating to me. So, he is out, as simple as that.

So, I was rather stuck. In retrospect, the understanding that we have here in Hawaii about relationships and relating is very much in aloha spirit, and we take it for granted. Compassion, consideration, forgiveness, kindness, harmony, etc. are all ingrained. My ex is a Minnesota church-going "stiff white male" ridden with certain guilt and stiffness, and lives in S. California, the land of greed, grabbing, and competiton. He is super responsible and hard working, but unaware of what makes aloha aloha. He is happy when it is there and suffers when it's not there, but is not aware of what makes it so.

When there is aloha, it feels good! When there is no aloha, there is no life! As simple as that.

We talked about it. Explaining aloha is rather easy, actually. Every competent self-help modality and spiritual literature spells out aloha. It is extremely simple: always be sincere, be kind, etc. We tried practicing it. It works. It is a wonderful sense of opening, being able to breathe again, connect with All Life. It has a refreshing effect on everything.

What we practiced is "marriage yoga", the highest form of yoga. Can I still be kind etc. when I am invested in wanting something - wanting the other person to "love me" and give me their attention in the way I want - can I still be kind and selfless?

This fear that prevents us from Connecting.

Am I willing to be willing to expose my ego to myself?

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Friday, April 25, 2008

I am diving in

This is a message I sent to a friend of mine who used to belong and still goes to a very fundamentalist Christian church, and yet has started a whole series of Native classes which include shamanic journeying.

Do you understand: you have already made some steps on a Path, reached a fork in the road, and cannot go back now. You cannot have your old Church bsing and this new life of being alive and aware. It is not possible. You will have to leave your ENTIRE old life. You cannot go back and sit in that dogmatic church and "train in bsing". Every minute there is putting yourself back into prison of your small mind. That church has a little bit of truth to reel you in, and then lays it heavy into being asleep.

Also, you are leaving the Native program as well. Doing those "under the tree" shamanic trips and all that is another form of "church", fooling around with the Sacred. That school is yet another stepping stone, a whole bunch of useful awareness tools and practices, but not a Mystery School.

What you Asked for is to Become an Initiate, and for that, you will have to dive in stark naked, like Beowolf.

For that, there is no external box that you can put yourself into and identify yourself with. It is scary.
You meet yourself as you really are and you actually live your life from that.

How I can help everything is by me jumping in for myself. This whole email was just to make me see what *I* need to do. It was an email to myself.

There are no answers, only questions.

I am diving in.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

gratitude and thanksgiving

Yoganada deswcribes spiritual laws of abundance as based on THANSKGIVING AND GRATITUDE.

He says that Universe always fills in channels that are open. We show we are open by prayer, appreciation, gratitude, thanksgiving.

Most people are like beggars to God: oh, God, please give me a new car! an easy job! a better mate! make me look good! make me rich! make me healthy! and so on.... We just beg beg beg. Which is kinda ok when we are in trouble, isn't it :) But we are not 100% in trouble for 100% of time. There are moments, always, which are precious.

Can we remember to also give thanks for what we have?

This is one thing that I learned in the USA. When my parents were visiting here, it was obvious that they very very seldom gave thanks. They mostly complained, critized, and demanded. Moments of gratitude were there, like my father smelling the flowers on the way from the beach. Those moments increased as they stayed here longer. Something changed...

To me, gratitude was something I had to learn as an adult. It is a Native American custom, and spiritual custom, and it took me a long time to stop complaining only. Perhaps because now I live the life I love, it is easier, and perhaps that life came because I was thankful and appreciative and led to make decisions based on LOVE. I love Hawaii, the Ocean, healing work,... It is a very deep love and I have no shame about it, I just go for it. When you love like that, then things happen.

Can we dare to love what we love?

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Life is wonderful when...

When we do what we love, i.e. offer ourselves in service to the Universe in a way that suits the particular us.

In my case, healing work. This weekend I was at a healing expo, and being around so many "colleagues" was very inspiring. I loved it. And I notice - I feel more refreshed, etc. Happiness brings good health...

Yes, there was some cookiness at the expo, as usual, the psycic readings, magic potions, and funky gadgets. Also, lots of bad massages. I watched therapists "massage" while looking around the room. That irks me. There is no attention on the client, just some hands half absently making movements on some body. That kind of touch is plain irritating to me. (I know, my mother used to do that to me and it bugged the hell out of me. Because of her, I am FULLY aware of what the difference is between awful touch and good touch.) Such absent minded touch feels so flakey and awful, it is a VIOLATION of personal space. How come people cannot tell? Also, I saw massages that I thought were dangerous, with heads bobbing, using some electric gadget do move the neck (violently) in a rocking, jarring motion. To me, it looks like it hurts, and I am sure it does, there is no way that a head can be jerked in such way at such speed. But again, some people cannot tell.

But then I learned from all that. I watched who goes for such massages. I watched the Japanese ladies go to the (young handsome Japanese) chiropractor for a "demo."I watched them watch him very very intently :) I watched who goes to the violent gadget massage therapist. I was totally amazed at the self satisfactory face of the therapist and all the jerky movements he made. I watched the therapist's body, totally contorted from the bad posture.

Then I came home and realized I have been watching myself :) I also can be vain and proud and am definitely not the best, most fluid healer this world has ever seen, and definitely not able to fix everything and anything. It was humbling to see myself in others, and that healed me from being judgemental and critical. I relaxed and had a great night sleep.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

neck massage: God heals

As I already wrote, a chiropractor yanked my neck and seriously injured it. It was so painful, I was scared. I am still dealing with it.

First I tried having someone fix it. Tough luck... The last chiropractor I went to was proclaimed the best in Honolulu and I went for 6 sessions and paid 240$ and nothing. He helped ZERO. The only good thing is that in his office I found the newspaper with the belly dance class article and went to the class and had a great time - and am blossoming ever since, I found what I like to do. So, I do believe the chiropractor has good intentions and is a healer on some level. He just doesn't know how to fix my neck.

Recently I gave up on others and started doing work on my own, going through each muscle and making sure it is free of trigger points. I found so many.... and am feeling better.

I really would like to find professional help of someone who can help me with this. The back is hard to reach on my own.

Tonight I found a trigger point in scalenes and it was soooooo ouchy, I was in a daze, and that's when I heard the Hawaiian voices, they were giving me instructions, in Hawaiian. My cat came to look to see what was happening. Someone was there.

I don't speak Hawaiian yet but seems like I will have to :)

As I was sitting on the beach, I did the sufi zihkrs - for those of you who know what it is - it is a movement of the neck, doing a rotation across the chest and then looking up and down - and chanting the words. What I chanted was the arabic phrase that means something like this in loose translation:




And I felt better afterwards. There is something very profound when we contemplate what this sentence means.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Quiet is healing

A/C drone is awful. It is draining being around all that noise.

I tried convincing neighbors to use indoors A/C, if they must. Well, "someone in Sears told them it doesn't work so well". Bologney. I have a friend who has it and it works fine.
Ok, so we they are going to use their noisy monster during day time, it is perhaps more tolerable, if I am not home :) Let's pick our battles.

I finally convinced the people downstairs to NOT use their A/C during the night. To their credit, they stick to that.

Wow... what a relief. It is so much more pleasant to sleep. In fact, it is finally POSSIBLE to sleep. The sound of the Ocean, the crickets, the fresh aroma of the night, the sweet air...

I wake up feeling rested and rejuvenated.

Halelujah baby!

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

It took me days to digest this. Thanks for asking. In short, my parents don't care if I am happy or not, unless it brings them something. Prestige, money, ...

The interesting thing is that my parents are not bad people, and if you ask them if they love me, they will say yes of course. And they mean it, on one level. It is a nice idea, makes them look good. On the level of actual action, there is much more to be desired. On the level of action, their interests come first. Right now they think they need me, so they are nice to me. When I was growing up and until recently, when they got old and alone at home, they hardly paid any attention to me.

This is extremely hard to digest. To realize that your own parents don't really care for you is rather harsh, cruel, difficult, to see. Another difficult thing is to realize how much I was like them, and how much of my life before was wasted being like them. The later realization came relatively recently. When I was younger, I was very angry at them. Now I cannot be. They are old and it is silly expecting them to change. There is a certain level of forgiveness, knowing that somehow everything worked out all right.

The rough past certainly led me to the healing path. Even as a child, somehow I knew - and I have no idea how, because I had no supporting evidence - that there was a better way. I just knew it, and I wowed to find out. So, here we are!

My parents left last night. I dropped them off at their airport gate. By the time I parked and came back, they already left through the gate and we didn't even say good bye! It seemed like they were interested in leaving quickly. On the other hand, I also wanted too go home soon... It was fun having them, but also challenging. They also thought that for me. So did we just get rid of each other ???

I thought and thought about this today until my brains got all confused, so I just said to God: ok, I want to awaken. That's the only way to really get out of this quigmire called Earth. It is rough here on Earth. The only way is to truly be aware of God. Then everything is clear. There is no other way. So, God, I demand, I ask, I require to Awaken.

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

Yes, it is. To you or me. But not to my parents. They live in a small town and being a masseuse is a sex thing there, so my parents are ashamed to talk about my work to other people. My father openly asked me if I could switch professions. My mother pretends to be supportive but she snared.

In short, what I do is not prestigious to them. So, they do not care if I love it, am talented, successful, etc. They care for their own image and "what the Jones' think."

That's kinda painful, when you realize that your parents trully cannot care for you, but only for themselves and their image.

It is even more interesting to see how they begun to approve of it when they saw that I make money and can buy them nice things. Then they become more approving ...

The healing school instructor long time ago told me I was living for their approval, not love. Some other healers told me that I was raised by self centered people and that was a chance to see what that is like and overcome it. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to actually digest this information fully. I remember when the healing teacher said that, I felt stabbed.
It is extremely cruel to realize what I was raised in and how it scarred my whole life, so far. Luckily, I am different now, after some years of intense work on myself. I did live in "their world" for many years and I was like them too. And I was trying to please them all those years; I also was doing things for the Joneses, for my parents. Once we see that about ourself, it is very painful. And again, it is how it is, that's what I learned, and that's how I was. Now is a chance to do something different. Today, I am much stronger and ready to face that. I cannot change my parents. I cannot change the past. I can change me, now. And I forgive my parents, for truly they do not know what they do. It is amazing how asleep they are. ***Without intentional work on oneself, nothing happens. People do not grow.***

So, that's what it is. I remember last week when I saw all this and was petrified to realize that I come from selfishness and was trained in that and WAS like that. I can see, based on what my parents do, why I do certain things. What amazed me is that I could not tell what was genuine me. Everything I did was their immitation. Then I thought to myself: ok, that's how it was before, I didn't know any better. Now I do. And the question came: WHO AM I? Who am I really, without all this learned stuff? This question led to some powerful, transformational, life changing, self discovery experiences.

The meditation leader said that asking such questions, BEING IN QUESTION, is the way to go.
The question "leads the way" and shows us the Truth.

He said we are meant to be an improvement on our parents. Also, we are meant to repair the legacy of our parents, to repair it inside ourselves, and in that, we rewrite and heal the past.

I knew this intellectually before. Now I am experiencing it.

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