Friday, August 7, 2009

How to gain the partner we are interested in

This post is for a former friend of mine, who started being really mean to me once she figured out I was on good terms with someone she likes.

Well, there are several points that an adult woman is aware of:

First, real women never compete for men. Only little girls depend on any male attention and try to hoard it like cookies. Why? First because it is quite immature to depend on other people for attention, regardless how. Second, because sexual attention is the easiest way to vampire energy from someone. People cannot help it - it is too strong. If *anyone* starts strutting their charms around asking to be noticed, yes, they WILL be noticed, period, even if they are an ugly nasty troll. Third and most important, because a real woman is interested in only one man, HER man, and that's the only man she is after. She has no interest and no time chasing other women's men. She is booked and too busy. Getting to know one man is a big job and takes a lifetime.

The corollary: if there is a couple and one partner floats around flirting with other people, that relationship is broke and ready to fall apart. When people are happy together, they simply are "full" and have no interest, no energy for anything else. Their own life keeps them very satisfied.

Second, it is totally ok to admire people of opposite gender without having any intentions of catching them. There are too many flowers in the world. We cannot pick every one. We can smell them and adore them and continue living our life. I personally have many male friends that I think very highly of. I truly adore them for who they are as people. I think they are wonderful people, very good at what they do, also sexy people, and just great. I can think of many examples, like many of my drummer friends, or martial arts friends, or the famous Chrysogone, a very fabulous dancer, storyteller, and such a nice, nice, high spirited person. But - even if we adore someone and even if there is some chemistry, between most people there is no chemistry that leads to anything romantic. Each one of those guys is either someone else's, or has incompatible life politics and habits, or is 3 ft shorter, or just doesn't feel right as a partner - simply - he is just an admirable, respectable brother. And that's totally ok. I have such relationships with women too, whom I respect and adore for who they are. I can think of Djeneba Sako, she is completely wonderful. Adoring women is a little different because they won't be flattered in a same way that a man would, of course. Sometimes a man makes a mistake and takes the admiration as a green light to grab you instead of just as a nice friendship. Sometimes ego looking for attention and/or the barking dog between the legs really gets in the way and causes confusion.

A young person perhaps has little experience to sort out what is what and probably confuses chemistry with a lot of other things. I know, I was there a long time ago :) :) :) Now being older and after a failed marriage and many failed relationships including a recent breakup, I am a lot more with my feet on the ground and my eyes open. Because now I know what it is all about: it is about taking the garbage out at the end of the day, about eating together at the dinner table, about taking the kids to an outdoor outing, about life, and being together, in all of it. It is actually a lot simpler, seemingly a lot less glorious than heated blind fever of the youth, and a lot more deeper and lot more satisfying. As I age and have less and less time to waste on this Earth, I am very keenly aware of the value of deep, heartfelt relationship. Because I have to find it and my time is running out. If I see someone who looks like a good candidate, I WILL grab them. Otherwise, I won't. I don't want my hands tied with someone who doesn't fit. I need to be free for Mr. Right.

Third, young people are too inexperienced in relationships because they are not aware of the paragraph above, so they are too proud/lazy/insecure/scared/... and too cautios, or too reckless, and try to protect themselves too much or just go ahead and have one night out deals. One night deals are as far as possible, that is the ultimate self protection from any engagement, but that's another story. The self protective ones stay too far, thus so subtle in courting that the object of their admiration doesn't even know they are after them.

In love, there is no chance to catch someone unless they know that you are after them and willingly walk into your arms. "Pour it out!" as says my friend Walt, and stick to it for a long time until they get the message. Otherwise, they are living their live completely oblivious of your existence.

Being protective is rightly so - another teenager can be very cruel in rejecting you. I have been rejected by some teenagers and it was very awful. I learned my lessons :) The only way to have it in a more gentle and really warm and nice way is to be in love with someone who is mature enough to appreciate you, and to say no in a way that is considerate. Immature people don't have that courtesy. So yes, it is important to protect the heart. But how much is a fine line - because you still want to get to know the other person. Read on.

Also, a no from one person is not forever. You might find someone better, or your person might change their mind. I personally went after someone I liked, made sure I spent time with him, but when I checked him out from closer, he wasn't the right fit. First, he was 9 years younger, which I didn't know until then, and second, he had a girlfriend but was kinda hanging out with the local slut. She was desperately trying one guy after another until she found someone - anyone - who answered. In this case, him. So I tried to tactfully back out - and failed, because I was rather angry at the end. I was trying to be a friend, but when it became obvious that I was simply just a friend and nothing more, I was rejected even as a friend, which is not fair. It showed that the guy never thought of me as of someone to be respected, just of some play toy. It was very painful. But - in all that, the other guy found me and I dated him successfully. So - it is all good.

I guess that's why it is so tempting to have a crush forever - we never find the truth. Our object of admiration always stays oh so admirable and oh so good. But we do need to have the courage to check them out and find out the TRUTH. If the answer is NO, then the answer is NO. No use in trying to push it. Move on. Find the YES.

Female teenagers court from afar. She giggles, talks with her girlfriends, is mean to all female competition, tries to be cool so that he will notice her. It is a nice idea that he will fall in love with the queen of the party, but it is a faulty idea, for two reasons: he won't even know you. You don't want someone who just sees your glitz and glory externals and falls in love with that false image. He needs to fall in love with the REAL YOU. Second, he won't necessarily connect the dots that the queen of the party should be something he needs to court. He doesn't even know she likes him!!! She is so subtle that he didn't even get any clues. Unless you show someone you really care for them, nothing happens.

I am speaking from personal experience. I have been on both sides of the fence. WHen I was a lot younger, I used to adore-from-afar in the "teenage fan club" the guys that I liked. But I wasn't really interested in a relationship. I had no clues about relationships then. On my other side of the fence, there was someone else who was courting me so invisibly that I never knew it, even when I carefully watched the guy I really could not tell. There was something - but so subtle... Also, his tactics were quite scary - he would try to make me jelous by flirting with other women. What it did is just made me RUN AWAY from him, completely terrified of such alien behavior. How I concluded that he was hitting on me is because his friends behaved that way and his potential girlfriends treated me badly. I have learned lately by hanging out with teenagers that it is one sign of teenagers hitting on each other. But the guy himself was WAY too subtle for me. Also, his courting was a little too physical, just staring at my butt, pardon my French, so it was obvious that he had no clue about relationships and probably just wanted to sleep with me. No thanks. Move on.

Unless someone asks to spend time with me and shows his respect, appreciation and love and eventually asks me out, I won't get the clue. I simply won't. If they are just nice to me and enjoy talking with me without any further intentions, I will take it as a very dear friendship. If they are staying really far and never interacting with me but are staring at my butt or whatever other clues a hungry man sends, I will take it as a flirt in passing, a little random chemistry, as lack of desire for anything serious, and will simply ignore it. And I bet many people are like me.

The last boyfriend I had was mature. He came on, put a lot of effort to be friends with me, and we were friends for a while. Why is that important?
It is CRITICAL to spend time with the person you like, to just hang out as a friend, in a warm friendly way, showing your love and attention and kindness, because:
1. you want to see what the person is really like. That's the main reason you don't want to adore someone from afar. Because you want to get to know them. IF you want a relationship and not just one night out, you need to spend time with the person and find out if you do indeed enjoy their company. ARE THEY A GOOD FRIEND? Because first they need to be a good friend if they are going to be a good partner.

At this stage, it is critical to be low key and to just stay a friend. Because, if you start strutting your charming prowess, the whole thing will become a devouring experience. The object of your attention will just eat you without even blinking, and then forget you the next day. You want to quietly and incospiciously check out the person and see if they are a good friend to you. Do they respect you for who you are, do they cherish you, do they work for your good. And vice versa, you need to be all that for them.

Forget the white winged buffalo of some far away idol. Teenagers adore Brad Pitts and Marilyn Monroes. Real people fall in love with real people and have real lives, like jobs, children, bills, taking the garbage out, and sex after an exausting week at work. It is glorius but in a very mundane way. And I would want that. That is real and attainable and is great, wonderful way to live.

So check out your object of admiration. Can he or she take the garbage out at the end of the day, can he or she eat the same food with you around the dinner table, would he or she be a good parent, can he or she be there for you when you are all crabby and sick as well as when you are gloriously charming and all ready to go. DO they stick by you, in good and bad.

If they flirt around, if they get drunk/stoned and forget you, if they never have any money, if they have no job, if they treat you badly, if they belong to some organization/belief system that you despise - don't even consider them.

If they pass those initial tests, then test them a little more: what are they like when they get angry, happy, etc. Will they give you a ride when you need it, do your friends like them, do their values jibe with yours. CHECK THEM OUT.

The main question to be answered is: is there a respect, a trust, a warmth, a positive vibe. Do we enjoy talking together, spending time together. Do we help each other grow. Are our values and lifestyle and personalities compatible. Do we have the same spiritual goals. Are we really good friends. Are we there for each other no matter what. Are we honest and helpful to each other.

I checked my old boyfriend for a few months and he passed. Spending time with him was productive. We were able to grow a lot. That is very valuable. He was into God just like me. So, I want to keep this man in my life. Now on to step 2.

2. Once you have some data that indeed it is a positive experience spending time with this person, then you move on and you ask them out and in a more explicit way say that you love them. And in a way at first that is subtle. Maybe you are good friends, but is there any chemistry? Has the other person ever seen you in that way? Do you like how they smell? Do you like hanging close to them? Check them out from close, without them knowing. Like, go to the beach together, to a dance or some other "sweaty" event where the real smell comes out, and have a chance to see them in action and to actually smell them. No deodorant and parfumes. You want HIS smell, not someone else's. If the data says yes, this guy charms me, he smells good to me, then proceed.
Now is the time to put that nice dress on and wink. See if they notice. If they don't - well, did they see the wink?

So, this is how I would get the partner I want and I would recommend it to others. IF you want a partner. One night stand is a whole different story. A crush forever with no result is a different story. I personally am tired from crushes forever. It is exciting, it is drama, it is proud, it is safe, it looks good, but - there is nobody on my pillow every night, night after night, there is nobody eating dinner with me. I rather have that. It is real.

Oh, I forgot: the prayer. Talking to God about your case. Asking if it is right. Also, talking to the Spirit of The Right One, calling him to you.
And trying and failing :) It sometimes doesn't come immediately.

When I asked about my last boyfriend, I said: if he is The right one for me, make him come closer, and if he is not, make him go away. Well, the next day, he got angry and left and didn't come back for more than a month. Until then, he was always around. His first bailing at that precise time was quite not a coincidence, was it. It was a clear NO. He was the right choice for a while, our time together was immensely productive. He just wasn't supposed to stay.

My friend had a calling that she had to move from location X to location Y, and she did it, and shortly after, found her very good husband. He was calling her in Spirit from his cabin in the woods. Of course he didn't know that it was her until he met her in person and recognized her from his Vision.

The amount of self protection and pride has to be very carefully balanced. Because it is not possible to have an open heart and be totally proud and protected. We get hurt if our heart is open and alive, it is unavoidable. However, we are able to rebound, and also, our open heart never leads us into situations where the heart gets shattered and stepped on. It is our mind, our greed, our insecurity, that makes us hang around people who are bad for us. Our heart leads us exactly to the right place.


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