Thursday, June 25, 2009

what is more "important" - truth or memory

Q: what is more "important" - truth or memory?

Milica: Depending what you wan to be: an asleep or an awake person? Also, the "truth" is different for each one of us, depending on our own state of consciousness. WHEN A PICKPOCKET MEETS THE SAINT, HE SEES ONLY THE POCKETS. Read Kahlil Gibran's book on views of Jesus. Some saw him (truely!) as criminal, some as a lunatic, some as a saint. The "truth" we see is in accordance what we are like ourselves.

God is the only one who knows The Truth. Saints and other awake objective, neutral people close to God can see more of The Truth than an asleep unaware person who is only capable of seeing their own little view of the world.

Also, The Truth can be contraversial and contradictory. Probably some remember Hitler as a nice guy, because he *was* nice to them for a second or more they met him and they never knew of his killing side. I know such people, who were always nice to me, and terrible to others. Milarepa, a Buddhist saint, was a criminal before he started spiritual practice, and even when he started, he tried to cheat and get out of it a lot and he was a nuisance. Eventually he reached enlightment.

So, Milarepa was a "bad person" before he reached enlightment. So who can tell what is the Truth and what is memory about Milarepa? The people he hurt or the people he saved?

So, it is very very complicated, and to see the Whole Truth is something only an evolved person can See. The more evolved we are, the more we will See. The less evolved, the less we see, we will see only the pockets.


Yogananda shares how to get there: "be kind to all and then you will know the mysteries of the mind. It is only when you become kind that God will give you His Power."

Being kind doesn't mean faking it or thinking it :) It means truly feeling it and acting it. That is difficult and possible, with a lot of Inner Work.

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Monday, December 8, 2008

the "christian" idea of love: if you don't do what I tell you, you are going to hell

This is how so-called "christians" handle their life:
since Jesus has paid for my sins and pitched in for my salvation, I am fine, I am on the way to salvation. My membership in Heaven is ensured. I just need to kinda follow the rules given in Bible, but of course I will be messing up. Things that I mess up routinely I will just deny and ignore so that I can continue living comfortably. As long as I pretend to be "good", I am fine. When I mess up so bad that I notice it, I just beg the Lord for forgiveness so that he doesn't smack my butt and then I move on feeling at peace. The Lord will take care of cleaning up after me.

So, this is what it looks applied to real life: a man claims that he loves me and cannot live without me. When I confront him with the above childish views, in literally 1 millisecond he bails out of any dealing with me, and leaves feeling proud that he "defended his religion." Then he says a prayer and leaves it up to the Lord. Then he has "one bad weekend" and by next Tuesday his life is "exciting" and "full of projects". He is very proud that he is a "positive influence, bettering people's lives", and he even goes to the extent of organizing a healing center where I can work, he "envisions me working there" so he will "prove to me how worthy he is."

This is all coockoo, isn't it? But this is a "christian" in action - focused on the externals, never internal; never looking in, never in the NOW. Always afraid and worried about if they are going to hell or not. Always messing up and feeling guilty, never fixing anything but instead trying to externally do "good deeds." Well - how can anyone do good deeds if they are not solidly connected within? How can one tell what are good deeds and what are not? At the end, it just creates more mess.

I complained to this person that he never examined himself to see what happened and what role he played in it and how he actually treats his religion - as a convenient excuse allowing him to always do as he pleases. He actually saw it, maybe in the first time in his life, how he just brushes everything off and moves on WITHOUT ANY ACCOUNTABILITY. Thus he keeps on repeating the same stuff over and over and then wonders 30 yrs later how come he never changed and how come his life is not what he thought it should have been.

No accountability is the lure of the churchianism. It is the teaching based on fear - **** if you don't do what I tell you, you are going to hell. **** The threat is highly unverifiable, very ambiguous and very spookey. It is the boogeyman threat. Then there is the promise of something good that again comes later and is unverifiable - the Heaven.

Meanwhile, the only thing you need to do in order to assure membership in this elitist club is to just PRETEND that you are following the rules and being "good." There are no instructions as to how to reconcile the reality how we ARE and the unreasonably high demands of how we SHOULD be. So "christians" just plain ignore it and deny it. It is typical to go on doing charitable works, meanwhile killing each other, having terrible relationships, fallen families, destroying Nature, and so on.

Like this particular person, who didn't speak with his own kids out of bitterness, for MORE THAN 10 YEARS. He was never bothered about it until we met. I was appaled and kicked his butt to approach his kids, now adults, and try to establish communication. There was this person who was so in love with me! but couldn't speak with his own children?? Something was fishy about his idea of "love," wasn't it.

So, for more than 10 years, this person is plainly violating any "christian laws and principles" but he is attending church, praying every day, and he FEELS THAT HE HAS A DEEP AND GENUINE CONNECTION WITH "THE LORD".

My question is: WHAT KIND OF GOD IS THAT? A god that allows major abuse for 10 years but doesn't allow the person to look at his religion even for a millisecond is a rather false god, with small g. It is definitely not THE God, the One, the Allmightty, His Endlessness, The Absolute, The Great Creator, The Great Mystery, the All And Everything. The One that everything is made out of. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE BUT GOD.

That God weeps every time we are unkind and lose an opportinity to love and show our love. That God loves us truly and requires certain discipline, so that we can behave in accordance with our Instructions. IT TAKES EFFORT TO REALLY LOVE. It takes personal work, accountability, self responsibility. In short, Inner Work. Which requires regular meditation and prayer, some good guide(s) and a clear set of instructions as to how to approach it. Not a trivial task.

Churchianity just stops any of that. Because people are not given any tools as to how to really approach life, but are held up to some really high standards and threatened with fear and guilt, churchianity stuns anything higher that might be in us. It keeps a person very small, weak, and immature. It keeps a person stuck in fear and irresponsibility. That serves evil, doesn't it.


There are other ways to achieve the same thing - they are all called addictions. For example, another person I know goes out partying and has fun, and then has different lovers every several months. How is that different than churchianity? It's not, it is the SAME thing - living an asleep life and trying to make it as comfortable as possible by avoiding any Inner Work whatsoever.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

importance of good food, water and love, in that order

Just watching my cat - she definitely glows. Her orange fur is like miniature fire. What a nice coat, what nice bushy tail, what a schine and thickness and silkiness in the fur. A gorgeous, muscular, beautiful cat.

The trick was some very good food (and quite a bit of it) - she goes to my neighbor for an early breakfast, then comes to me for a brunch, then lunch, then dinner, then a late snack. She also goes to him as much as she can - but he gives her just one little scoop. I give her a handfull. Seems like Friskies did it, when my neighbor discovered Friskies then her coat got better.
Seems like I am the only one to give her water, she drinks a lot.

And of course, all the little snacks in between - yesterday my front door was full of bird feathers. Ocasionally there is a gift of a mouse or a small rat.

And, this cat is majorly loved. She doesn't let anyone pet her. But - how can I refrain from petting such a nice fluffy purr? Now I have no qualms about it, I just grab her and pet her. Since she has been abused as a kitten, her learned behavior is to run! So it is quite funny, because her innate instict is to PURR and enjoy me petting her, and then she remembers that she is not supposed to enjoy it, and then she purrs and tries to escape - at the same time :)

But all that good food and all that love is doing something, the cat literally doubled in size and her coat is amazingly beautiful.

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Friday, October 24, 2008

language as expression of "insides"

English has "cooing" words like babe, honey, sweetie, sweetie pie, baby, dear, darling.

Serbian has so many more nice words for cooing to each other and calling each other. The words can be used for children too, they are all heart words. So one call call another: my heart, soul, gold, eye, pupil of my eye, lamb, chick, kitty, doggy, tom cat, etcand of course dear, darling, etc.

Most words can be made into cooing words in Serbian. For example, if you call someone "my eyelashes" with the right intonation, it means "darling", baby, etc. The intonation would determine the meaning, so it can be used for a child as well as some stud lover. The intent is just to show the warmth from the heart and "pet" someone else, make it nice for them. So many other words can be used... Serbian has deminutive which makes words into "cute". For example, the word "eye" when put into demininutive has a very cooey application. There are words which mean nothing but are cooing words, like Mica. One can call a cat like that.

English seems rather poor in comparison.
Babe is definitely sexy - it is what one would call Marylin Monroe or some stud guy...Honey is nice, I like that. Sweetie is a little too smoochey for me :) I like darling. My handyman called me that and I like the sound of it. A pen pal called me dear a long time ago and then stopped :) It was nice while it lasted.

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Love needs to be constantly growing in order to live

My answer to this "christian" guy who claimed that he oh so loved me, but (his fake) jesus is THE only way to god, etc.:

what you don't understand is that love is something alive, it needs to GROW ALL THE TIME. otherwise it dies.

keeping love alive means to keep on opening and opening, and coming closer and closer.

you don't even WANT to to do that!!! instead, you want to segregate people into bible obeying christians that god takes care of, and everyone else who will go to hell.

how can you even think that you love me,

when you know and believe that your bible god cannot and doesn't love me as he loves you???

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Monday, September 29, 2008

There is nothing else but God.

The paradox of "there is nothing else but God" is that it made me much stricter. I realized that God needs me to take care of His Kingdom, and sometimes that means disciplining, to make His subject grow.

Like gardening - sometimes what is needed is pruning, sometimes nourishing.

Like training pets - sometimes you pubish and sometimes you reward.

And like raising children - always loving discipline, to train the ego and to open the heart.

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Saturday, September 27, 2008


One thing that is intriguing about life on Earth is that nobody wants to pay for what they want.

People claim they want happiness, love, satisfying and lasting relationships, abundance, and so on, but very few are willing to follow the spiritual laws to actually make that happen.

How is it possible to have something and not pay for it?

Like my churchian friend. His belief in being "special" and dissing other people based on their religous preferences is crippling emotionally and spiritually. He will never be able to love and have satisfying relationshiops, because his beliefs are nazi and it is just not possible to love from that belief system.

So yes, he will find someone and they will have a nazi relationship, and they will quarrel, and divorce and blame each other, eventually.

They will wonder why and what they did wrong to god so that he is punishing them.

But the reality is that we, the people, do really stupid stuff and then expect terrific results. It is just impossible.

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

attention is a kind of food

Today I noticed that one of our dancers looks much ... nicer. She has been progressing in that direction for a while, and today I could really notice something different, something more ... schiney and grounded, more confident, more "full" about her. Last week I saw her walk to the supermarket with one of the guys that practice martial arts during our dance class. It was obvious that he was really trying hard around her.

Today it was clear that they are together, and that he treats her with a lot of respect and gives her a lot of attention, and is really dedicated and devoted to her. That is probably what is making her more beautiful - his attention.

Love brings out in people a certain - what shall we call it - note. Just like an instrument gets tuned.

We can be happy when we are alone, which gives us a certain glow, we are happy with God, which gives the best and most deepest glow, and also - human attention gives that very special glow of satisfaction and peace around someone.

Human attention is short lived so that's why often it deteriorates into stale, murky, grungy feelings. It takes God to keep on maintaining the human relationships... which we need. We humans are social animals and do need human attention and love.

True love, from a partner who really adores us, gives a kind of glow that is very special.

Another dancer was totally glorious today, extremely beautiful, radiant, just so happy. Standing next to her was like standing next to sunshine. Well, one of the drummers took her home. Perhaps his attention is what made so radiant today - I don't know.

I just observe and take notes.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

What is God?

If I believe that God is ravengeful, and thus I fear God, what will my life be like?

Then I will worry only about my own survival and no matter what I do, I will make sure that my butt is not kicked.

If I believe that God is my best friend, a loving disciplinarian, a very loving all-knowing all-mighty ... parent, really, a Super Perfect Parent that always means me well, always schedules me perfectly, always takes care of me, never lets me off the hook, and is always there for me - then what will my life be like?

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Do I fear God, or not?

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend who was a hard core "Christian" meaning he went to church and bought everything line, hook and sinker, thinking he was Born Again superhero, and that showed - he was so closed off, so frozen, so distant and so incapable of relating that we had to part asap.

At the end we "debriefed" and that's how I finally heard this from him:


My response was:
That's it!!!! That is the most fundamental difference between you and me, and that's why we are alien species. I do NOT fear God. I wish I could say I love God, that is my intent, but I am sure I fall short of it. I do try. To me, God is something that helps me. It can play tricks on me and will never let me go astray, but I do not fear that. It is always done with a loving hand, like a good parent. If it has me grounded, I still feel loved and taken care of. In short, I feel like I am good buddies with God, I feel like he is a very loving and very disciplining force in my life and I believe that I am always, always protected and taken care of. God watches over me and makes sure I am ok. I have absolutely no fear of God. I KNOW God is something very very good.This to me is something I don't have to think about, it is on cellular level, I just know very deeply that God is somethign extremely positive that I can trust unconditionally and that always works for my good.

I don't fear my teachers either, although they set me up and caused me tremendous suffering in a very real and hillariously comical way. It was all good. It was done with a very good intent and in a very benevolent way. They never ask me to do what I cannot.

I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS GOOD, that He means me well, and that we are friends. To me, God is like a good parent, I trust Him unconditionally and I believe that he always takes care of me in the most loving way. There is no fear whatsoever. God wants me to be happy and serve His Kingdom, and He always puts me exactly where I need to be.

And you with your fear are totally frozen. Your church propagates that fear, it teaches you fear, it wants you in fear, because then you are controllable, full of guilt, full of fear, very easy to manipulate. You can never think for yourself and you can never feel and follow your heart. So, you have to obey them. Easy.

You believe you feel something which you don't. In some ways, the feeling of love is waking up in you. For someone who is so entrenched into believing in fear, it is rather difficult to defrost and feel love and all the things it brings, like care, consideration, etc. You are an expert in all things based on fear - rejection, distance, pride, lies, hypocrisy, guilt, anxiety, etc.

What you thought was "love" wasn't really love because it wasn't enough to melt away the fear. One day you will love soemthing enough to actually move beyond fear. Like I love my cat.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Love is necessary like food or air

I think a whole web page on relationships is in order. Relationships are very much related to our health, healing, and happiness.

Last month, my ex-boyfriend tried to come back, after 7 months of absence. In such cases, one needs to "show up with flowers" and he didn't. Needless to say, I just chased him away. He kept on coming back, without flowers, and I kept on shooing him away.

It lasted for 1.5 months. During that time, I was totally disoriented. Here is this person who is supposed to love me, and on some level he does, I can feel that; but he doesn't show it in practical life and in relating to me. So, he is out, as simple as that.

So, I was rather stuck. In retrospect, the understanding that we have here in Hawaii about relationships and relating is very much in aloha spirit, and we take it for granted. Compassion, consideration, forgiveness, kindness, harmony, etc. are all ingrained. My ex is a Minnesota church-going "stiff white male" ridden with certain guilt and stiffness, and lives in S. California, the land of greed, grabbing, and competiton. He is super responsible and hard working, but unaware of what makes aloha aloha. He is happy when it is there and suffers when it's not there, but is not aware of what makes it so.

When there is aloha, it feels good! When there is no aloha, there is no life! As simple as that.

We talked about it. Explaining aloha is rather easy, actually. Every competent self-help modality and spiritual literature spells out aloha. It is extremely simple: always be sincere, be kind, etc. We tried practicing it. It works. It is a wonderful sense of opening, being able to breathe again, connect with All Life. It has a refreshing effect on everything.

What we practiced is "marriage yoga", the highest form of yoga. Can I still be kind etc. when I am invested in wanting something - wanting the other person to "love me" and give me their attention in the way I want - can I still be kind and selfless?

This fear that prevents us from Connecting.

Am I willing to be willing to expose my ego to myself?

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Life is wonderful when...

When we do what we love, i.e. offer ourselves in service to the Universe in a way that suits the particular us.

In my case, healing work. This weekend I was at a healing expo, and being around so many "colleagues" was very inspiring. I loved it. And I notice - I feel more refreshed, etc. Happiness brings good health...

Yes, there was some cookiness at the expo, as usual, the psycic readings, magic potions, and funky gadgets. Also, lots of bad massages. I watched therapists "massage" while looking around the room. That irks me. There is no attention on the client, just some hands half absently making movements on some body. That kind of touch is plain irritating to me. (I know, my mother used to do that to me and it bugged the hell out of me. Because of her, I am FULLY aware of what the difference is between awful touch and good touch.) Such absent minded touch feels so flakey and awful, it is a VIOLATION of personal space. How come people cannot tell? Also, I saw massages that I thought were dangerous, with heads bobbing, using some electric gadget do move the neck (violently) in a rocking, jarring motion. To me, it looks like it hurts, and I am sure it does, there is no way that a head can be jerked in such way at such speed. But again, some people cannot tell.

But then I learned from all that. I watched who goes for such massages. I watched the Japanese ladies go to the (young handsome Japanese) chiropractor for a "demo."I watched them watch him very very intently :) I watched who goes to the violent gadget massage therapist. I was totally amazed at the self satisfactory face of the therapist and all the jerky movements he made. I watched the therapist's body, totally contorted from the bad posture.

Then I came home and realized I have been watching myself :) I also can be vain and proud and am definitely not the best, most fluid healer this world has ever seen, and definitely not able to fix everything and anything. It was humbling to see myself in others, and that healed me from being judgemental and critical. I relaxed and had a great night sleep.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

parents, relationships, health

Tonight I was watching the sunset on the beach when an older man walked by, with a teenage girl and a small girl in a tow. The man was probably their father or some kind of close relative, the way it felt. He was gray-haired and walked totally self-absorbed, looking down, definitely closed off and VERY remote, he never turned around or said anything to the girls, and the two girls just tagged at his back, with solemn, quiet, sulky faces. Teenage girl held the hand of the small girl, and they just walked, like in a procession.

The man did notice *me* and perked up. Sure - an attractive woman sitting on the beach. That would give HIM some attention and some amusement. But he wasn't giving any attention to the girls who walked behind him.

I saw them sit down further down the beach, again, the man sat looking at the ocean and never said a word or turned to his girls. As if they didn't exist!!!!! wow. But he did notice me, so obviously he was perfectly capable of noticing. Ah what a jerk... so little girls are not worthy of his attention, but an attractive woman is? I was going to give a different message to the girls. I was thinking: what to say? If I scold him, the girls might not like that. I need to somehow say hi to the girls and acknowledge them. It's kinda rough having a lomi therapist on the beach .... :) We tend to think about healing all the time. God only Knows for sure. We just do what we are asked to. I was asked to send some message to the girls and tell them that they exist and are worthy of attention.

On the way back, at least the small girl was happy and chattering and even had a flower in her hair, but she still didn't run or play although she was cheerfully talking about running. When they were passing by, I smiled and said to her: let's see how fast you can run!!! And she just LOOKED at me with total surprise. The teenage girl forced herself to keep on looking at the sand. The man didn't even hear me, he was already far in the front.

When the little girl turned to me in surprise, I saw her face - pale face with big black bags under her eyes. Not the rosy complexion of smiley, happy, healthy, robust little girl.
The teenage girl also looked pale and sad, and had a feeling about her of ... being fed up, quietly.

So, you want healthy kids? You want to be healthy? GIVE THEM ATTENTION. Give quality attention to yourself. Treat yourself well. Take yourself for the hand and a walk on the beach, and talk to yourself nicely. Run on the sand. Touch the Ocean. Love. Connect. Have fun.

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