Friday, October 30, 2009
Opening the heart
The next day this week, I was briefly hanging with my African drum teacher and another fellow drummer after the drum class. They are really nice, stable, respectable guys and I consider them friends and I enjoy their company. There is nothing fake about them, they are real, and they are kind and respectful to everyone.
So, anyways, it was a very brief chit chat, and we mentioned teenagers. And then I blurted something about me being a bad teenager, and they asked me about it. Since I was on the spot, I could not really evade the question. I could bs something, but I couldn't think of anything appropiate to say, so I was forced into providing an answer, and I so I told the truth:
I dated the guy who stole motorcycles and it was very abusive and I am very glad I wasn't beaten up nor gotten pregnant. It took me years to recover from the abuse.
I didn't tell them the WHOLE truth. I rememebered some details and connected the dots as to why the Born Again Monster made me feel so bad. I also remembered the details of my past and it was terrible to see it.
In the car, driving home, I was crying. It was very painful to realize how I mistreated myself back then. No wonder - the background I came from. It is a miracle I am still alive. I had bad training and I had no clue how to take care of myself.
So I forgave myself for mistreating myself, and I promised I will take better care.
When I came home, I rested, totally exausted, trying to connect with myself, and something happened - I could feel some kind of heavy armor around my heart let go. It felt literally like an opening of a heavy ... plate, door, something - that was covering up and closing off my heart.
The next day, physically, my ribs are completely sore in the heart area and the whole sternum area feels very stretched and sore. As if literally the whole thing was physically stretched, opened.
And, I FEEL DIFFERENT. Life suddenly has a lot more color and flavor. I feel happier.
It is amazing how it makes me physically different.
Labels: opening the heart
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