Monday, March 9, 2009

Copying our parents

My parents were here for a month. It was very educational to observe that I am almost an exact copy of them. I imitated them and learned all their behaviors and patterns. The emotional patterns, the physical patterns, everything.

Some things that I learned are luckily positive, but the majority of the imitation is negative.

I total astonishment, I was watching them and realizing I do EXACTLY the same thing.


So then: who am I?


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

parents, relationships, health

Tonight I was watching the sunset on the beach when an older man walked by, with a teenage girl and a small girl in a tow. The man was probably their father or some kind of close relative, the way it felt. He was gray-haired and walked totally self-absorbed, looking down, definitely closed off and VERY remote, he never turned around or said anything to the girls, and the two girls just tagged at his back, with solemn, quiet, sulky faces. Teenage girl held the hand of the small girl, and they just walked, like in a procession.

The man did notice *me* and perked up. Sure - an attractive woman sitting on the beach. That would give HIM some attention and some amusement. But he wasn't giving any attention to the girls who walked behind him.

I saw them sit down further down the beach, again, the man sat looking at the ocean and never said a word or turned to his girls. As if they didn't exist!!!!! wow. But he did notice me, so obviously he was perfectly capable of noticing. Ah what a jerk... so little girls are not worthy of his attention, but an attractive woman is? I was going to give a different message to the girls. I was thinking: what to say? If I scold him, the girls might not like that. I need to somehow say hi to the girls and acknowledge them. It's kinda rough having a lomi therapist on the beach .... :) We tend to think about healing all the time. God only Knows for sure. We just do what we are asked to. I was asked to send some message to the girls and tell them that they exist and are worthy of attention.

On the way back, at least the small girl was happy and chattering and even had a flower in her hair, but she still didn't run or play although she was cheerfully talking about running. When they were passing by, I smiled and said to her: let's see how fast you can run!!! And she just LOOKED at me with total surprise. The teenage girl forced herself to keep on looking at the sand. The man didn't even hear me, he was already far in the front.

When the little girl turned to me in surprise, I saw her face - pale face with big black bags under her eyes. Not the rosy complexion of smiley, happy, healthy, robust little girl.
The teenage girl also looked pale and sad, and had a feeling about her of ... being fed up, quietly.

So, you want healthy kids? You want to be healthy? GIVE THEM ATTENTION. Give quality attention to yourself. Treat yourself well. Take yourself for the hand and a walk on the beach, and talk to yourself nicely. Run on the sand. Touch the Ocean. Love. Connect. Have fun.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

It took me days to digest this. Thanks for asking. In short, my parents don't care if I am happy or not, unless it brings them something. Prestige, money, ...

The interesting thing is that my parents are not bad people, and if you ask them if they love me, they will say yes of course. And they mean it, on one level. It is a nice idea, makes them look good. On the level of actual action, there is much more to be desired. On the level of action, their interests come first. Right now they think they need me, so they are nice to me. When I was growing up and until recently, when they got old and alone at home, they hardly paid any attention to me.

This is extremely hard to digest. To realize that your own parents don't really care for you is rather harsh, cruel, difficult, to see. Another difficult thing is to realize how much I was like them, and how much of my life before was wasted being like them. The later realization came relatively recently. When I was younger, I was very angry at them. Now I cannot be. They are old and it is silly expecting them to change. There is a certain level of forgiveness, knowing that somehow everything worked out all right.

The rough past certainly led me to the healing path. Even as a child, somehow I knew - and I have no idea how, because I had no supporting evidence - that there was a better way. I just knew it, and I wowed to find out. So, here we are!

My parents left last night. I dropped them off at their airport gate. By the time I parked and came back, they already left through the gate and we didn't even say good bye! It seemed like they were interested in leaving quickly. On the other hand, I also wanted too go home soon... It was fun having them, but also challenging. They also thought that for me. So did we just get rid of each other ???

I thought and thought about this today until my brains got all confused, so I just said to God: ok, I want to awaken. That's the only way to really get out of this quigmire called Earth. It is rough here on Earth. The only way is to truly be aware of God. Then everything is clear. There is no other way. So, God, I demand, I ask, I require to Awaken.

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

Yes, it is. To you or me. But not to my parents. They live in a small town and being a masseuse is a sex thing there, so my parents are ashamed to talk about my work to other people. My father openly asked me if I could switch professions. My mother pretends to be supportive but she snared.

In short, what I do is not prestigious to them. So, they do not care if I love it, am talented, successful, etc. They care for their own image and "what the Jones' think."

That's kinda painful, when you realize that your parents trully cannot care for you, but only for themselves and their image.

It is even more interesting to see how they begun to approve of it when they saw that I make money and can buy them nice things. Then they become more approving ...

The healing school instructor long time ago told me I was living for their approval, not love. Some other healers told me that I was raised by self centered people and that was a chance to see what that is like and overcome it. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to actually digest this information fully. I remember when the healing teacher said that, I felt stabbed.
It is extremely cruel to realize what I was raised in and how it scarred my whole life, so far. Luckily, I am different now, after some years of intense work on myself. I did live in "their world" for many years and I was like them too. And I was trying to please them all those years; I also was doing things for the Joneses, for my parents. Once we see that about ourself, it is very painful. And again, it is how it is, that's what I learned, and that's how I was. Now is a chance to do something different. Today, I am much stronger and ready to face that. I cannot change my parents. I cannot change the past. I can change me, now. And I forgive my parents, for truly they do not know what they do. It is amazing how asleep they are. ***Without intentional work on oneself, nothing happens. People do not grow.***

So, that's what it is. I remember last week when I saw all this and was petrified to realize that I come from selfishness and was trained in that and WAS like that. I can see, based on what my parents do, why I do certain things. What amazed me is that I could not tell what was genuine me. Everything I did was their immitation. Then I thought to myself: ok, that's how it was before, I didn't know any better. Now I do. And the question came: WHO AM I? Who am I really, without all this learned stuff? This question led to some powerful, transformational, life changing, self discovery experiences.

The meditation leader said that asking such questions, BEING IN QUESTION, is the way to go.
The question "leads the way" and shows us the Truth.

He said we are meant to be an improvement on our parents. Also, we are meant to repair the legacy of our parents, to repair it inside ourselves, and in that, we rewrite and heal the past.

I knew this intellectually before. Now I am experiencing it.

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