HumanRemodeling

what's on the inside comes to the outside

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:26:00 +0000

It was a very growing-up, educational experience for me personally to be able to process the Born Again "christian" experience and exorcise it out of my energetic field. It was such a bad experience, very sobering insight into the dark side of human nature, and honestly, very scary and depressing view of human race. It makes you lose faith in humanity. How can a human being possibly believe that some people are superior to others? I never came close to anything like that before and it was simply shocking and terrifying. Contact with that made me look at people and wonder what hideous stuff is behind the "normal citizen" facade.

In my book, a human being at least tries to uphoald some noble and true values, like "all humans are equal" etc. and of course to often fail in practice in little details of daily life. But to intentionally and willingly and convincingly believe that some are superior than others?!

No wonder that SRF nun said that any contact with something like that can only increase hurt feelings. It truly does.
The *only* thing someone like that can do is HURT OTHERS.
No wonder Earth is so messed up.... with so many people like that walking around.

This Born Again popped into my head recently. I have no idea why. It made me realize several things: he treated me just like he treated his church, like he treats everything - he TALKED about how he loved me, but he never actually acted on it;
it never oozed out of him, he never felt it nor expressed it. His idea of "love" was just like Sunday sermon - lots of words without meaning and without practical application in daily life. Empty, fake, deceiving.
As if he was a zombie - saying one thing like a parrot.
Also, he was a super version of his own father, who he said was all about talk and no action.

And he didn't understand that it wasn't only TALKING that made a difference - when I asked him to leave his church because it was the foundation stone of his inability to love and relate, he said: "Oh, I know what I need to do in order to gain you - I just need to say that I denounce the church." He never got it - it is not enough to "just say it." The only thing that counts is what you ARE INSIDE, what you believe inside, because that's how you act on the outside.

what is inside comes to the surface and that's who you are on the outside.

What we should strive for is something noble and good, like equality, like compassion, FOR ALL. All saints and sages are like that. There is one God, and that one God is in charge of us all. There are no "favorites" of God. There are no "sure tickets to heaven" if you belong to the "right club" and call yourself christian or whatever. It is a very individualized contract with God and there are no shortcuts and deals. God requires one thing, and either you got it or not: ability to truly feel, experience and act on "Love thy Neighbor as Thyself" and "love God with all Thy heart, mind and soul." God never said: "how much you talked about it", he said "how much you can do it, NOW." There are people who are more evolved, like Jesus or Buddha or Krishna. There are people who are less evolved. And everyone should be striving to evolve.

I guess that was the growing up fact for me: everyone is striving, in their own way, to the extent they are capable and willing. Some people are weak and have serious character and other flaws and they are not striving much if at all, and that's the best that they can and/or are willing to do.

Like a drunk who wants and likes to drink - what can he do? Not much. Doesn't matter how he started drinking and why - the fact is, he drinks, he likes it, and he wants to keep doing that.

That was the growing up for me: Earth consists mostly of people who are not willing to wake up. Who are scared. Who are seriously wounded. Who are following false paths.
Only a very few, who are very persistent and very very lucky, get to experience something else.

I used to believe that everyone is following something Higher, some certain higher calling from the inside, because that's the only thing that makes sense to me.
It does NOT make sense to majority of humanity.
And yet - it is a complete waste to even think about that. Yes, it is shocking, and hard to believe, and very tempting to keep on wondering how the heck can they live like that, but then they use you as a holder of their own shame and remorse. So, the best thing is to forget all about asleep people and really really focus on developing oneself.

I call that growing up :) Also, loving myself. Taking care of myself.

Because, the truth is, there are people who Remember Something and who are trying to wake up. It takes faith to keep on developing oneself in order to come in contact with Those Who are More Evolved. They are around too. Not as visible but definitely present. It is very prudent to focus on that side of the story. TO FOCUS ON POSITIVE AND HIGHER.

what am I doing at the farmer's market

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:29:00 +0000

Hi, X,
sorry I didn't really answer your question about what I am doing at the farmer's market :) I was still thinking of of your cat and all other cats around here with HIV. How did they get it? Take care of yourself, if I were you it would definitely be a spiritual practice to say bye to your cat. And, why do cats around here get it, and how can it be prevented and healed. A big issue to ponder :)

Anyways, what I am doing at the market is spreading my fame. I can fix someone's neck pain, etc. in 10-15-20 minutes. That's pretty awesome and very very rare, so people talk about it. So, it is important that they get to witness that at the market and see for themselves. I meet people from all over, and after I fix whatever pain they had, they voluntarily put me into travel brochures, etc., so it is really a way to world fame. :)

That's what I am doing there, for the time being. I can do it now while I don't have family obligations. It is really a little bit of a luxury because it pays little for the time invested. However, I consider it advertising expense :) Yellow pages doesn't work for what I do :)

I should have my own booth and spread my brand name. I have nothing to do with the guy who shares the booth with me, he is a roomate of the market owner and she asked me to share the booth, to save the space.

So, that's what I am doing there.

Thanks for listening:)

Yes indeed

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:06:00 +0000

yes indeed where is the guy? I remember clearly that I prayed to God to send me the guy who was assigned to me. The Born Again 'christian' who showed up knew that, and kept on saying that he was sure we were assigned. Heck assigned. As soon as it got rough, this "sure he was assigned" guy disappeared in a jiffy.

So I was telling God: I meant REALLY assigned, not just SAYING he was assigned.

Send me the guy who is TRULY ASSIGNED TO ME as my mate. There is one and we know there is one. Where is that one? Get him going and make him show up and take the post. I mean, life is passing by, let's get going asap. Ok God? Please step on it. Thanks.

Essay of a Tracker student: how Tracker school changed my life

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:05:00 +0000

Well, it did change my life, every time I went. First, I was a very "abnormal" child but I was little aware of it, I grew up next to the woods and in the woods. Then I went to college, got married to a "normal" guy and led a "normal" life - until I got very sick and spent a year in bed. And that's how I became "abnormal" again and got well.Trying to heal, I tried all kinds of strange and new things. One day I drove out with an elderly friend to hunt for crystals - something cookey that I would have never done - and he mentioned "a school where they teach you to sneak up and touch a deer," and for some reason it really stuck to me - rationally it was so corny and didn't make sense to anyone, but it got me! Soon, I was in a retreat center and as I was checking out, the mailman came - with Tracker schedule - so I took the number from the brochure. And so I went. Every class I took changed my life 180 degrees. At the standard, I was hungry and cold and then later I wasn't. I remember sitting in class and looking at the wall in front of me. There was nothing there but I stared at it. The next second, there was a very big guy standing there (Tom Brown) and I was wondering where the heck did he come from. He looked and behaved like a military drill sargent and I disliked him. FORTUNATELY I never read any of his books beforehand, because when I saw the books later, the books turned me off and the person also turned me off. I asked him in spirit why he was so rough and he answered that he had to be in order to teach, so I accepted it and kept on going to classes. Next classes were all a major transformational experience. One helped me finish my dissertation, another helped me "feel", another helped me divorce, all helped me transform.Pines feels like home. I remember when I first came - for some reason at night when everyone went to bed I was always hanging around the GF sit area that looks at the cedars but I didn't know it was there. One night I sang there and someone came out of the bush and said: didn't you know, there is a sit area here? come on in. I always go there to sit. I have it as a background on my computer. Scout class was the best. That's the first time I became alive in years. My (then) husband thought Tracker was just a fad and I will become"normal" again. Nope, it got worse. One summer I went to a Tracker class and he went somewhere else on vacation, and when we both got back, we looked at each other and there was 0 in common, and we separated and divorced. So I took even more Tracker classes and spent all my vacation there, and worked part time and lived close to the Pines in order to take more classes. I am not sure when this class was - it was the healing class or maybe animal dissection class or caretaking class?, it was spring time on the very old small farm with a house and a small hut for classes in NJ. During the healing class I know is the first time I got to talk to a plant, milk thistle told me it could refresh people. During this other class,I sat alone in the classroom and for some reason watched the big armchair in the front. I "saw" Grandfather sitting in it and he asked me if I would accept him as my grandfather, and I said yes. That was really sweet. I talk to Grandfather regularly and consider him a great friend. Even when he tests me and tortures me, like when he put me next to the nicest guy at the time I didn't talk to guys, he is still very gentle and always means me well. I always visit with GF. Many years later, Tom Brown said to us that this was GF's favorite chair and he always sat in it. That made sense to me :)Unfortunately, the divorce hit me real bad and I was REALLY sick and everyone thought I will die asap. I was going to, actually, i didn't care if I lived or died. But then - summer came and I went to a Tracker class :) scout class. And the sheer joy of being alive and free made me decide to live. That's a turning point in my life - trucking into camp, on top of all gear, at night, late, in full rain, without dinner. EXCITING! That was worth living for!!!! I definitely was going to live for that.Later that winter I took Phil classes in a row and for some unbeknowst reason to me kept on saying around the fire as to why I was there: "because I wish to live from an open heart." Honestly, I had no clue what I was saying, and I knew it. I was amazed to the words coming out of my mouth. Anyways, I was very sick because of mold in my house, and that winter, it got me and I almost died, for real. I finally discovered what it was (Art of Mentoring helped) and moved out and finally started getting better. Well - depends how you look at it :) I had a major accident and was forced into action. For 7 years by then I knew I should move to South West but I was hanging around the Pines taking classes. After this accident, I HAD TO move. After a VQ and Protector class, I took off, sold my house and moved to Hawaii. Cold. At the end of Protector class was the first time ever that I realized that there was no Tom nor Malcolm to protect me and the camp and make magic foofoo dust, I was an adult and I was supposed to take care of myself and also protect others and the camp. It was scary and I felt very inadequate. :)I was crying as I was driving out of the Pines, knowing I won't come back. I had no idea where I was going. I wandered for 3months before I found Hawaii. Grandfather led my every step. I was alone in the desert, etc etc and I was always safe and taken care of.Since then, I have come to just a few Tracker classes and 100 person VQ, Hawaii is very expensive, I had no connections, and it was difficult. Again, taking classes changed my life. Scout classes again :) I have never had so much fun in my life. The last scout classes also convinced me that I was super sensitive and living in another world. I am different, period. My friend says I am wired as a healer, which makes me different, but should not make me separate. Sometimes it is difficult not to be separate, most humanity is quite cruel. During the second-to-last 100 person VQ in the Pines (2005?), I had to ( I was forced big time!) to promise to God to try to settle and get married. Grandfather tortured me quite a lot about that and it is rather comical, actually, a major hilarious black comedy. I failed miserably :) :) :) What he concocted is so wicked and a lot worse than any movie or story. Not quite like how he made Tom Brown pull skunk's tail, but similar :) That led to dating another tracker student in 2006, which ended as a complete disaster. I am still recovering :( The same pattern - I got really sick and was sick entire last year. Not as bad as before though. That WAS THE ONLY negative change because of tracker classes :) Well, it was a positive change, actually, at least I went on a date. I clearly remember putting a dress and going to an evening show, and being completely amazed and speechless in surprise when the guy said I looked nice. He had to say it kinda quietly and into the wind sideways as if never said it :) because I was going to bite :) I didn't even talk to men for 6-7 years before that. And I started talking to this one not as a man but as a younger friend, only out of obligation to help a fellow tracker, because he was quite ill when we first met. I am still quite rough and bite, but perhaps one day someone will show up. Oh, I almost forgot. When I got divorced and was very sad I had nobody and prayed to God for a scout :) then I saw an image of a hunter in a big green cloak. About a month later, I SAW AN ALMOST IDENTICAL PERSON in a Phil class. The almost exact replica of my vision saw me across the big kitchen hall of the Scout camp and came over to greet me, saying: "I don't know where we met, but you look familiar?" WE HAVE NEVER EVER MET BEFORE. I looked him over and realized he looked similar to what I saw in the vision, but wasn't the guy. My guy had a different smile. So I told him that I was praying for a husband and saw someone who looked similar. He said: "weird way to look for a mate!" and I remember thinking: "???? there is another way?? this is the only way I know of that works." He thought for some time and said: "it is not me, I am married, but I feel there is someone for you." Well, that someone didn't show up yet. I wonder where he is. He is majorly late. I kept asking Grandfather and then got tired of asking. That's why I got ill - I got angry and stopped all communications. That always makes me miserable and ill. Sorry to say that, but it is true. Hm, there was another negative thing, and Nancy will vouch for it, she proclaimed me the works of devil and all that jazz and wanted to expel me from the school. At the time I was dieing from mold and didn't know what it was, i wrote too many messages to Phil 6 list and that bothered them. They never took the time to figure out something was wrong with me and to help me. I just received major scoldings and a label of being "bad". I guess Nancy's wish to never see me in the school again is coming true, as I really don't have the time to go to NJ anymore nor to post much. That's sad in some ways. In other ways, it's exciting, I am into "bigger and better things". My dream was a healing business via bodywork, and I do that now. That's one reason why it is difficult to travel.Also, I am dedicating more time to personal growth and inner development, attending a Gourdjieff group and spending more time with my guru Paramahansa Yogananda. The Tracker idea of "healing the world" and external awareness is obsolete to me now. I believe I heal the world by changing myself. So I work very intensely on increasing INNER awareness as well as outer. I remember long time ago how Grandfather and Yogananda argued if I should go to Tracker school that much, and Grandfather said it was ok. Yes, it was ok, back then. Now it is more Yogananda's stuff. I am kinda tasked to move my life beyond the wall of grief and live more in the spirit band me, to use Phil lingo.In terms of largest change, Tracker classes gradually made me very different. I practice my scout skills everywhere and anywhere, if I am putting laundry on the line, walking around, sneaking up on the cat, etc. Especially when I do bodywork, tracking and awareness makes it very different and that's why I am so successful - I can repair people rather amazingly well. The way I live is very very different. I didn't realize it, it just snuck on me :) one day it became obvious that this question WHAT DIS MEAN was running my life. That I was running regularly to do Vision Quests, talking to trees, and doing all kinds of interesting things that "normal" people consider sci fi. One of my favorites is me and the cat talking to an owl and saving it. Sounds like living in Hogwarts to many people but that's how I live. So I don't talk about it :) I just fill zillions of online petitions for environmental causes, recycle, clean up, takecare, etc. I didn't make the last 100 person VQ in NJ, I quested locally with another Tracker student. It was AMAZING how we were kept safe, in spite of hurricane threat and heavy human traffic and even hunters walking up on our sites. I saw a person like 5 ft away. He turned around and left.There are many many more incidents. Too many to number. Am not sure that this is longer or shorter than what you asked for :) It is quite a story, when you look at it. It was one disaster after another, all because I never Listened. I was a complacent coward and very insecure. Grandfather helped me deal with that. So thank you for changing our lives and helping the Planet be better and healthier. Happy Birthday!Love,one of your students.

2nd full moon

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 07:11:00 +0000

Is tomorrow! Very rare occassion.

I am completing a 5-day cleanse by Young Living. Amazing stuff. I used some "powder food" they sell called Balance Complete. It replaces meals. You just dissolve 2 scoops in water. Also, you take wolfberry juice, and a lot of it. And, you take a pill with pepermint essential oil and a few other digestive/cleanse oils. And that's all you eat, three times a day, plus some tiny snakcs, like: 1/2 cup of blueberries, 2 tbsp of sunflower seeds, 1plum for the whole day. And, lots of water to flush it all out.

First, I was hungry the first day, and headachey and weak, somewhat feverish. I was doing computer work and that didn't help, probably, my eyes and my brain were exausted. Then I did a healing treatment, and that made me feel better.
So in the evening it became better and I danced around the room.
I woke up the next morning feeling like OOOOhhhhhh, what a relief ... it felt good in my body.

The second day was rough - I woke up ok but went back to sleep, and then had dark red puffy under my eyes, I felt weak and hungry. I felt feverish sometimes. My kidney was complaining a little sometimes. I was headachy and tired and weak and really off for most of the day. Detox symptoms... I was doing computer work again.
I did some healings and it changed everything, I felt better. By the evening, I was tired but feeling a lot better.

This morning, I woke up just fine, and was very fine, very energetic and clear all day long, and I did many healing treatments, outcalls, I was working all day long and on very difficult cases, lugging my table around, driving, ... I worked in some very fancy beach homes, very clean and orderly and just beautiful. The last treatment was at my house and it was powerful spiritual lesson in Love and Oneness and my home feels somehow refreshed.

***** Well, isn't that a pattern - I do healing treatments and that makes me feel good. I do computer work and it makes me feel lousy. IT IS TIME I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS. Although I kinda liked what I was studying on the computer, still.

Also, because I was so busy and people were coming in and I didn't really eat on time. I would get up at 9, then eat breakfast at 10, then lunch would be at 2.... sometimes at 4pm... Today I ate dinner at 8:30pm... Today I felt tired because I did an outcall which was a little bit over the edge. I really should have not done it.

Also, I don't miss food.... Shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating -it all takes so much time. On the other hand, I look at that powder I am taking and I think how artificial it is and how removed I am from the land eating something like that. I need to be in touch with the bounty of the Earth.

I do get hungry now and I look at some stuff on my fridge and I am tempted a little, but then - not really. I notice I am tempted more with the carob coated raisins and not with pumkin and sunflower seeds. Hm - cravings, what in me wants to eat those. Candida, parasites, ...

Today I lay down with Yogananda's "sing thy name" CD with monks and 2000 devotees singing, and that was powerful. I just lost consciousness and woke up 30 mins later, totally refreshed.

?

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 05:57:00 +0000

In my email inbox, there is a message from me, replying to some Russian dating service saying that my spam filter doesn't accept connections. But that spam filter message should have been sent to whoever tried to contact me. The spam message looks like I am the emailing myself and the spam filter complains. ??? As if someone is using my email without me knowing it.

conectedness

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 05:19:00 +0000

It never ceases to amaze how connected our bodies are. For example, a problem in the shoulder can be fixed by working on the hips. A problem in the knee can be helped by fixing the shoulder or the hips.

Yes!

for women leaders

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:21:00 +0000

Read Fierce Conversations and
Fierce Leadership. Both are excellent. They are also not for everyone; not
everyone can pull off some of the things she recommends. But I still
encourage everyone to read them.
I have been in your situation, more than once. I've both succeeded and
failed at it. The first thing I recommend is DON'T think you can gain their
trust when you walk in the door. It's impossible. Trust needs to be earned.
It's actually something that I talk about when taking on a new team - that
we're new to each other and we're going to have to get to know each other
and that I want to earn their trust. I talk about the things I expect from
them. I ask what they expect from me. I set up individual and team meetings.
I take people to lunch. I try really, really hard not to jump to conclusions
and take some time to hear from everyone. And I try not to let what has
happened previously affect me. Everyone has a clean slate (tell them that)
it's good and it's also bad, because I don't know how well they were
performing previously and we'll need to demonstrate to each other what we're
good at. Always back them up in public, even if they're wrong, so they know
you've got their backs (talk to them about the issue in private and see if
you can help the person fix it himself quietly).
Good luck with the new job! I'm sure you're going to be great.

West African dance

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 09:47:00 +0000

Moustapha Bangoura, whom I consider #2 best male dancer in the world as far as West African goes (I consider Yousouff Koumbassa #1) is here in Honolulu. YEEHA! He is an amazing dancer and teacher.

And he is 56. Which made me think - who is carrying on this knowledge??? It made me really really ponder - am I learning it as much as I can, so that it can live.

There is another thing that I noticed, and that is that not all of our African dancers and drummers attended. That is really strange.

This is a chance to work with a magnificant artist and teacher. I am grabbing it.

Som

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 09:02:00 +0000

Do not waste your life or your life's path.
Be aware that every single event in your life was needed.
All these events were necessary to be experienced.
You would disgrace the true meaning of your life
if you still regret or hate any of the mistakes or faults on your path.

Gayuna Sundima

I talked to one of Paramahansa Yogananda's nuns. The fact they called me to set an appointment and assigned me a specific nun to talk with me means that my case was serious :) Usually I just get to speak with the on the phone right away and it is very short.

Anyways, we spoke about many things. One thing became very obvious: that even pondering stupidities of other people is a complete and total waste of time, and my life too. It just isn't worth it.

So, yes, I can be in total amazement that Born Again 'christian' can be so stupid, but the fact is - he *is* stupid, and so be it. There is no way it is changing, and there is no point in trying to comprehend anything of his doing. It is just insane and should be left alone. I have better things to do with my life.

So, I realized that I should have not analyzed anything, and definitely should have not taken anything personally nor gotten upset about anything. He lied to me, he bailed, he was selfish, he was impotent, he was rude, he was brainwashed, he was scared. Yes. So??
Even thinking about any of that even right now, as I write, makes me feel upset and hurt. It is a complete waste of my life.

So I realized I should have prayed for his well being and let everything go, as you let go misdoings of very small children. They don't know any better.

I haven't done it before for several reasons, one because there is always a danger that he smells that the air is clear and comes back when I am all happy and willing and able to be forgiving. He did that once already. The first time he bailed for good, as soon as I was fine, he showed up unannounced and bombed into my life without a single appology, and I was stupid enough to let him back in, and completely ruin my life. I think that he won't show up anymore, because the requirement on my side is very clear this time - EITHER that born again stuff OR me.

What really got me down is chastizing myself for making that mistake and accepting to go out with someone who was clearly disrespectful and selfish. I even considered marrying him. Also, I tried sleeping with him, which in my world view is a big thing, it made us "married" in some way. How could I fall pray to a con artist? How could I have been so stupid to try to come so close to a monster? That really bothered me. Something must be wrong with me. I was very upset with myself.

Now, in retrospect - what happened, happened. It is good to see where I made mistakes and what made me go astray. And, it is very good that he bailed before any deeper committment.

Interestingly, Cealo had the same message:

Do not waste your life or your life's path.
Be aware that every single event in
your life was needed. All these events
were necessary to be experienced.
You would disgrace the true meaning of
your life if you still regret or hate
any of the mistakes or faults on your path.

Gayuna Sundima

some strategies for selecting a boyfriend

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 06:39:00 +0000

I have two single lady neighbors. One is rather young (maybe in her late 20s, early 30s), and the other one is late 40s. The young one is what you would call "a hot chick", completely decked out with makeup and super tight clothes at all times. The older one is a surfer, sporty type.

I witnessed their boyfriend procedure in action through several cycles, with initial failures and eventual success, so now I can present you with a true-and-tested procedure that WORKS.

This is how they handle the men issue:

when they are without a boyfriend, they start having parties at their home.

This is the protocol:
Have a party and invite people over. The young one is a good cook so she invites everyone for a dinner. The older one invites them to watch TV and drink beer.

Invite many guys, and MAYBE one another lady. The host lady makes sure he invites at most one lady who is a true and tested ally, and the guys have to compete.
If there is another lady, it is a good friend of the host lady, and the two of them have a plan - the visiting lady is after a guy whom the host lady is not after. In other words, ladies never compete.
While the hunt is at the "party" stage, there is a lot of traffic around the host lady home - guys stop by, the other ally lady stops by, there are frequent parties, everyone stays late and talks about piquant topics.
There is loud music, food, lots of talking.
The guests always arrive at night and stay quite late.

Well, at first everyone leaves all toghether. After a few parties, one guy will stay after everyone else leaves. That's the one the lady keeps.

And then - there is no more parties, no more stopping by, the ally lady doesn't stop by. The host lady disappears with her catch. Everything goes quiet.

The next time there is a party, it is because the guy is gone and the boyfriend slot is open.

=======
I saw this algorithm in action many times.

The " beer and TV party" lady first got a beer and TV guy, who just sat there watching TV by himself. He was unsuitable because the lady is NOT into beer and TV. When she is alone, she never watches tv. She just uses TV as an excuse to invite them over. She likes to talk.
After I explained to her that she needs to tone down the TV part in order to get a better catch, and she did, she found someone exactly like her - someone with a very loud voice who loves to talk - and I haven't heard from them in many months now. They are living happily ever after.

The young one first attracted some pot smoking blonde surf dudes. They are good looking and awful. At least they were quiter than her last boyfriend, who was intelligent, "cute" and completely selfish, rude and wicked pot head. She smoked too. I had to yell at them to stop. I hate that smell. There is something so evil in it, something that just puts you to sleep and sucks your soul out.
Finally, after many repetitions of the above algorithm, there is someone who is quiet, nice, and treats her well, I just saw them walk out together, and there is no pot smell. The guy said hi to me and he seems nice and quietly happy. She is all happy too. I heard them eat dinner together, and it sounds like they are happy together. This lady is actually a good householder and needs a stable, solid guy. Maybe she found him! The happy end, hopefully.

==========
Meanwhile, I am thinking: who wants me. Most males want some demour, easy-to-catch, nice and pleasing female. On the contrary, I am like a wild pony, strong and ... hm.. wild! Only a very strong guy will be able to appreciate a tiger like that. Who is that guy?

On the other hand: my sporty neighbor is not demour, and she found some guy who is exactly like her. And sometimes I hear her ribbing him :) Deserved or not, I cannot tell :)

On another hand, I am a lot more gentle than most. I have taught my demour girly girl neighbor to affectionately talk to her pet. My flowers and my pet are totally pampered and gloriously beautiful. Unfortunately, I am just too giving and if the recipient is someone who is immature, they take it for granted and try to abuse it. So that's why I don't hang out with the crowd - most are too cruel.

For most, that's the hard part to comprehend, that something can be so super gentle and so super strong, like silk. It really is like a tiger - it cann shred you to pieces, and it can purr and cuddle. Who can handle that kind of responsibility? - maybe only another tiger... ? Only someone really mature, someone truly male, who can appreciate being pampered and step up to the responsibility of deserving the pampering. That would be a real man. Where is that real man?

smart is beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 01:37:00 +0000

So, I invented "smart is beautiful" slogan for attracting women to computer science.
Wow. Some people loved it, and some just hated it.

Here is a conversation with someone smart from MIT who hates "beautiful" and thinks that "smart is superb" is a good slogan. I dislike "smart is superb".

>>>> >>>>> To effectively attract women to CS, a good place to start is to look at reasons why women choose to depart from the technical fields.

Milica: Seems like we all agree - either it's not what we like to do, or it is just too much trouble - unsupportive environment and a job that is meaningless.The second case seems prevalent.

>>>>>>>>> One factor that can be important to choosing a field, is the sort of community one will join, and to that end it is helpful to show very clearly that there is a supportive environment to be found. Additionally, many are motivated in choice of interest by the opportunity to do something quite useful in the world, and I am not sure that a good job is done at the highschool or pre-highschool levels, of conveying that CS is meaningful and rewarding work in that regard.

Milica: **** THIS IS A HUGE THING. **** I TOTALLY AGREE.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> So, from that perspective, I would suggest phrases like "Smart is Superb: you are not alone. Join the smartest women on earth at changing the world. Computer Science."

Milica: Hm, now you are repulsing me :) This sounds like "uncle sam wants you" :)
"Smart is superb" sounds very nazi to me :) the supremacy theory.

>>>>>>> Well, to be sure -- that was also a highly effective slogan. Why do you find it repulsive? I find that slogan repulsive because it was a call to war, which is not the same as a call to computer science.
from Merriam Webster, "superb": "marked to the highest degree by grandeur, excellence,brilliance, or competence" Which I think is fairly spot-on for meaning and connotation.(I don't see any elitism --or nazism-- here; superb is all-welcoming) Feel free to suggest an alternative word you feel more comfortable with

Milica: "Join the smartest women on earth" also sounds very arrogant. As if artists,accountants, house wives and all other women on earth are not one of the smartest. They are. We all are.

>>>>>> Yeah, I spent less time thinking about this part. Let's say it's optional, and I'd welcome your re-write

Milica: Seems like it is back to the drawing board for more slogans :) Thanks for the feedback, M.

=========ROUND 2 ==========

Milica:
from Merriam Webster, "superb": "marked to the highest degree by grandeur, excellence,>>> brilliance, or competence"
** Hm, I disagree. It is saying that everyone who is NOT smart is no good. It is spot-on arrogant.

>>>>>>Wait, not at all -- for example, is saying "Smart is beautiful" the same as saying that "everyone who is NOT beautiful is no good?" It's not even contained in the phrase.

Milica: People are smart in many different ways. What is "smart"? We think it is high IQ. But someone with high IQ can be quite stupid :)

>>>>>>Yep, this is all true! How do you intend to apply these thoughts to the recruitment effort?

Milica: It has to be a word that includes everyone and doesn't make anyone better than others. Also, it should compliment and make people feel good about themselves. It should be a word that includes the heart and the spirit.

>>>>Yeah!

Milica: Smart is something to be proud of? cheesy
Smart is good for you :)
Smart is employable - now that is spot on :)

>>>>>>hmm, also reprehensible. Dreaming only to be one day employed denies the myriad of possibilities of what can do in life -- founding startups, or NGOs and non-profits for example. Additionally, I wouldn't recommend leading one's life with the goal of becoming useful to someone else (e.g. employable).

The idea is to inspire love for computer science, right?

=========ROUND 3===========

Milica:
No, "smart is beautiful" is saying that smart is beautiful, and the word "beautiful" has many shades of meaning.

I walk in beauty
beauty is before me
beauty is behind me
above and below.

We refer to people as "beautiful" when they do good deeds, etc.
Also when they are pretty, when they are graceful, etc.
When a product is elegant, like a nice proof, solution, etc.
"beautiful" is a word that is used for awe, being affectionate, etc. so it has a certain something about it.

There is also "beauty is not skin deep" and so the word "beauty" has a certain depth to it. It is a deep concept, beauty. Beauty of God, beauty of Creation, beauty of human spirit, beauty of our feelings, as well as physical beauty of surroundings, beautiful face, beautiful clothes, beautiful dinner, etc. Beauty has many descriptions. It has a certain Higher quality to it.

If I had used the word "pretty" then it would be dumb and exclusive because it is strictly personal, physical and subjective and makes so many people feel miserable about themselves.

"Superb" is like that when applied to people - arrogant. If you applied to a product/machine/ etc then it would be ok - smart engineering is superb to bad engineering. But this person is superb to that person - is arrogant. It's not possible to judge people like that, unless you are God.

==========
"Employable" is not a good word, I didn't look too far. I did have in mind self employment etc. And I am a big advocate for self employment. The scary part is these corporations employing and deploying people at whim.

So maybe:
smart succeeds - this one sounds very good, actually. It could work for anything.
smart is successful
smart without limits - better to put it into positive
smart is creative
smart is making smart choices - this one sounds good too; for someone it will be working for 200K for some nasty corp monster, and for some it will be staying home with kids or having their own company
==========
Love for comp sci. Hm. The main idea was to make people feel neutral and good about comp sci, to consider is just like everything else - no better and no worse. One more choice to consider.
It's like - hey, you didn't see this choice before, but it is a good and valid choice, check it out.

"Love" for it is a lot bigger goal :)

The first step is not to repulse people who have bad stereotypes in their head.

So, the goal is to break the stereotypes and to project a different stereotype. Sorry, but that's what it all about :) Too many people are rather stupid and WILL WORK ONLY ON STEREOTYPES :) So we have to give them a more palatable stereotype :) :) :)

My 2 cents worth

============ROUND 4 ==========
Milica:
hey, after reviewing what we discussed, things are becoming clearer to me, thanks to your questions.

First, my intent is to just peak their interest. To "open the door" and present Comp Sci as a valid, valuable choice. Then, they are welcome to walk in and explore.

First we need to attract them, saying: hey, we are not monsters in here, this stuff is good, you can join in!
Because, that's what they are thinking when they become a psychologist or nurse or whatever. They can see themselves in that role. But comp sci - first of all, what does it look like???? Is it some nerds in white coats eating pizza over computer keyboards at 2am??? What is it actually, that comp sci thing???

But they won't even ask that question, because their mind already wrote it off, because they have a vague idea it IS some (male) nerds over keyboards at 2am who never used deodorant and should not be seen eating in public and will go on a date with a robot. Something like that. The image is fuzzy in their heads but this is the feel of it.

So, our message is:

It is a good fun group to work with
It has a lot of potential and high rewards
You _can join the group
Overall, it is a good choice.
So - come in and check us out.

So, maybe the slogan is:

smart career choice: computer science

Join many smart women in changing the world through technology

So - that leaves smart women in other fields respected, and says what we do, etc.

----
Then, phase 2: once they are kinda intrigued, then we catch them with "interesting stuff" so that they actually begin to like this kind of stuff and eventually love it.

what we talked about in the healing school

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:12:00 +0000

Corinne would be proud of me.

Long time ago, in the IM School of Healing Arts, we talked a lot about how we make a decision to be ... hm, how to say it properly... proactive, alive, present in our lives.

Finally I got it. It really is like that - making a decision.

Something happened to me and I was feeling very low. My healing mentor Harry told me I was low on a certain nutrient and I had to go get it asap, take it as a pill. Well, my body should be producing that nutrient.

I asked Harry: what is causing the deficiency? How can it be prevented? And he didn't know.

So, I thought to myself: when was the last time I felt like this? When I had the same symptoms? What was going on in my life?

Then I remembered Gurdjieff work: how G talks about how human organism is like a fine machine, very intricate mechanism, and how it produces energy on which we live and also extra energy from which we grow finer bodies. ANd how negative emotions are like setting explosions in that fine factory, and destroying entire supplies of energy, leaving us tired and depleted and exausted.

It made me think... connecting the dots... I prayed. Very intensely. Something was listening.
I realized that my problems were because I haven't prayed in a long time. I didn't want to. God messed up, I messed up, and it seemed pointless to pray and meditate. God set me up with all kinds of stupid people and the whole situation is pretty bleak. I felt alone amongst insane. And God made it so. I didnt wanna talk to God and I "stayed in my room" sulking. But lack of contact with God was killing me.
So I realized that and realized I need that spiritual vibe asap, I need it to live.

Then I went home and googled Dala Lama, and luckily found him on youtube. I listened to Dalai Lama speeches and I got the answer to my question, what kind of negative emotion was destroying my supplies of energy and what was necessary to heal that.

The problem was because I was getting very angry with cruelty and stupidities that people do. Like the association not fixing my apartment, like tenants not paying rent, destroying my unit and even harassing me on the street, like Born Again hiding his religious beliefs from me, etc. I cannot comprehend why someone would be so creepy to cheat like that. It just is incomprehensible. It made me very angry. The Auyrvedic doctor told me that a while ago, I didn't really understand it, now I do; he was correct. I could not comprehend why people can be so cruel and stupid, and not understanding that, I was getting very angry. Not having some sane influence around me, I felt really isolated and alone, which made me even angrier and more desolate. I felt alone in hell called life on Earth.
I was often told I am "wired differently" "as a healer." Apparently, being sane and normal and totally abnormal on this planet.... where most people are not really human. They are something else, something stupid and cruel and unaware.

I don't know why and how I am different, but I am different. Listening to Dalai Lama made me feel so comforted. FINALLY THERE WAS ONE SANE PERSON TO TALK WITH. Dalai Lama was like a breath of fresh air. What he said made sense. FINALLY SOMEONE SANE. I was not alone in this hell called life on Earth. I was relieved.

So I just switched the switch, internally. Yes, you just ask for it, and it happens. I realized I was making exactly the mistake that Dalai Lama mentioned - anger, and I decided I wanted to go the route that Dalai Lama was recommending -opening the heart in compassion, because it is the only right way. So -

I fell asleep while listening to Dalai Lama speaking, and I woke up completely different. Like a totally different person. Totally refreshed.

========
Now I was grading and getting angry again - how can students be so careless - but again - not everyone is intelligent. And most youngsters these days don't know how to study. So - threading lightly and compassionately - and persistently.

Like Thich Nat Han: combination of slow like a snail and lethal like heavy machinery.
Like tai chi masters: like an iron chain - flexible and heavy.

Dalai Lama is healing

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:50:00 +0000

http://fora.tv/2008/07/26/His_Holiness_the_Dalai_Lama_at_The_Aspen_Institute

I came from work feeling very bad, all upset and torn, and then I watched Dalai Lama video. Again, I fell asleep, and woke up completely "erased" as if I was never upset. I could not even remember what to be upset about. I was feeling peaceful and confident.

There are several things: first, what Dalai Lama was talking about made sense. First he spoke about children, and I personally say and believe exactly what he says. So it was comforting to see someone else who has the same world view. Dalai Lama was an example of sanity and good human values.

It was already past midnight and I was tired, so, not surprisingly, I fell asleep towards the end of his talk.

I watched many other shorter videos of him on you tube. It was actually interesting, to see a different "side" of him - from very animated, almost irritated, to being very nice in a company of a very nice female reporter, to sarcastically poking and teasing some "Chinese professors" in the audience, to glowing with happiness when McCain was reading hus statement of support of Tibet. In short, Dalai Lama is quite human.

But his eyes are something else, they are like little fires. There is something in them. Also, when he talks about some Buddhist teachings, there is so much depth in the eyes. It is amazing. Many videos I watched, I just watched Dalai Lama's eyes. Incredible.

Is healing others possible?

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:08:00 +0000

Today I had two experiences. I spoke with Alice McDowell, a spiritual guide who works in Ithaca Light on the Hill retreat center. She didn't have any solutions for my problem. She just listened and said a few things and offered a few ideas. Her mere presence was soothing and clarifying. She cares for me. That' s all that matters. Then I can calm down and the solutions come to me, naturally, from my own Source. So, talking with Alice was like a breath of fresh air. I was completely different. Just after 20 mins of interaction with her.

Then I had an encounter with a "shaman" kind of person who loves to "heal others". He offered himself and his buddies (whom he didn't even ask) to "do a healing on me" to help me with a certain issue. He diagnosed my problem as forcing my own will and offered help with that.

My response:

So I am wondering who is asking whom :) It is not possible to heal anyone, isn't that clear to you? The only person anyone can heal is only themselves. By offering to "heal" me, you are actually saying that I am "broken" and you are not, and thus you will perform this magic and fix me. It is a very very arrogant and very dangerous position to be oh-so-good and running around fixing others who are broken.

You are playing hookey and avoiding your own Work.

So, instead of "doing something to others to fix them" you need to do some Inner Work on yourself.

You can always say a prayer for me. Seems like one of the things I need help with is breaking a certain "curse" that makes me always self sabotage. The bottom line of that, just like the bottom line for everyone, is to have my will be the will of God. Just like Jesus prayed - not mine, but Thy will be done.

That is the common thread between any human, and you oh so great healer, are not an exempt to that either. You also, just like me, just like anyone else, need to work on that "Thy will be done."

Don't you see, you cannot help me, nor anyone else, unless you help yourself first. That ain't a little Phil 8 workshop..... It's a lot more demanding. You can say a prayer for someone else, but 99.99% of your time should be in your own meditation and prayer.

Anyways, I think we talked it over and I am done on my side. You are in this "fix others" camp and I am done with that stage in life. I cannot fix others. I can only Work on myself. That helps others, indirectly.

Why don't you pray and meditate and surrender to Inner Vision yourself :)

I will know when you actually do it, because your mere presence will be healing. There will be a certain presence inside.

education

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:11:00 +0000

Judging by what is posted here
http://www.ed.gov/programs/racetothetop/index.html
American Federal Government efforts
toward "improving" education
have much more to do with
evaluation of students and teachers against
politically determined criteria
than with learning that will allow the student
to do something useful.
Nothing in the document that I can find
discusses curiosity or other motivation to succeed,
or taking initiative,
or evaluating multiple biased information sources,
or debate,
or dealing with moral ambiguity and incomplete information,
or originality,
or collaboration among students,
or the idea that one might want
a mixture of skills
that complement one another
on a professional team
instead of a bunch of identically trained people.
Students may be tested to the point of
passivity and disinterest.
Who would blame them for rebellion?
It is very easy to be critical.
It is not as easy to
suggest a better alternative.
So assuming for the sake of discussion
that the politics could be dealt with,
what might a better alternative look like?
Yes girls, yes math and science,
but more generally what education now
do we think would be better for the future?
Have countries other than America
come up with a better alternative
that could be used in America too?

indeed different

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:26:00 +0000

Long time ago, Old Rat Born Again Mario told me that I will surely notice that he is different than any other men. He meant "better".

I actually notice that he is different than any other men: he is the worst kind I have ever seen. Any contact with such shit is detrimental.

smart is beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:05:00 +0000

It's quite apparent what the value is in something so obscure and mysterious as "smart is beautiful" - it lets everyone see their own idea of it.

Some people see sexy chicks, some see elegant science, some see pretty female faces, some see - whatever you see. My male nerd colleagues loved it because it allows them in the "beautiful" picture too. It can fit anyone.

It certainly wasn't meant as "sexy chicks" or "pretty female faces". If you are reading it that way, you are simplifying it, dragging it down into something it isn't.

So a statement like that is a little of a koan, you need to relax your mind and go into it and kinda meditate on it. If you are getting defensive immediately, it is hitting a button in you and needs a little reflection.

The intent behind the statement is to open something inside, and to think wider and deeper, to get something beautiful in. To feel the beauty in oneself, science, computers, and life in general.

And to finish, there is a Navajo song:

I walk in beauty.Beauty is before me, Beauty is behind me,Above and below.

Engineer Girl - http://www.engineergirl.org/
Engineer Your Life - http://www.engineeryourlife.org/
Girls are I.T. - http://www.girlsareit.org/

Dalai Lama

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:01:00 +0000

Just watched "DalaiLama Reneissance" movie, vol 1.

Dalai Lama has incredible eyes - alive and sharp.

He says some major "nasty" stuff and then laughs and makes it light. So he gives you an impression of being a childish clown, but in reality he has stabbed you with some profound truths. I guess this is a technique to not let the ego realize something is happening to it and to then kick back. It diffuses the tension.

What he says rings true.

How other people treat him is often fake. I guess we don't know how to handle a saint. Also, perhpaps people are acting the way they think they should? Or his presence makes them into something else? I don't know. I will find out when I meet Dalai Lama.

The best part of the movie is Dalai Lama. Then the shots of life on streets in India. The shots of Westerners talking about Dalai Lama or their own stuff, is kinda - well - superflous. I was wondering why anyone would make a movie on that. I concluded: because other Westerners need to hear about what it is like to be a part of that Dalai Lama world, and to perhaps get enticed into it. Otherwise, they themeselves are not capable of seeing anything in Dalai Lama. He has to be "marketed" to them. That's my educated guess. Also, that we Westerners need to watch ourselves in action, to see how incapable we are of synthesis and collaboration, because we don't have the training, and we are not used to living it.

Added later: what was obvious is that the "leading alternative thinkers of the Western world" had very very little clue about anything. As human beings, they are a little too tight and too fake. In comparison, Dalai Lama is alive and real.

Do you notice the quality of my writing now? I am present. That's the kind of effect someone like Dalai Lama has on you, on me.
I was thinking as I was watching the movie: hey, how about moving to Dharmsala. How fast I could develop in presence of someone so high. Then I thought - is it my place to be there. Is that my assignment.

======
I am remembering only now my conclusions about me earlier in the day - how primitive I am, selfish, self centered, egoistical. Very low. If I am unsatisfied, I am cranky and spoiling everyone's day, I want it to be known that I am off and that I need attention. If I want attention, I get it at work, where people did not choose to deal with me and where people cannot escape.

And so on - extremely egoistical to the point of view of being destructive, for the sake of my own okole.

To be truthful, these strategies I leared at home, my family used them - both my grandma and my mother were "sick" and in bed every weekend and my father had to bring tea and food to their bed. They magically got healthy and fine on Monday morning, when my mother went to work and my grandma had the house to herself.

So I am used to this. But I never liked it. But I do it myself. Because I was used to it. Now is the time to stop all that.

=====
Another thing that Dalai Lama made me think about is this win-win situation. The Tibetan solution has to be good for both Tibetans and Chinese.

I was wondering about my approach to solving Born Again friend issue. I identified that stuff as the major cause of his inability to love, and I gave him an ultimatum - to quit that stuff or quit me. He chose quitting me without even thinking, literally in a milisecond. Immediatelly. During the film, I wondered what would have happened if I let him be, if I gave him more time and space to get out of that bad habit. But again - Dalai Lama took 20 yrs with Chinese, and no results yet. Still, that approach, that concept intrigued me.
Born Again admitted that he was praying that I convert into it, so he was quite millitant himself.

I am a little afraid that he is going to show up out of blue again, He has a habit of doing that - causing major upheaval and destruction, he disappears, then as soon as I recover and line up other guys and live my life happily ever after - he appears out of blue and bombs (into) my life. I guess this time he is permanently done. What is amazing is that he has no ability to love. None.

self observation

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:06:00 +0000

Lately, it is easier to observe myself, as if I were observing a movie. At the same time, I am the character from the movie and I experience everything that is happening. So, it is like having split attention. That's Inner Work. Something is engaged at the physical level - this part reacts, identifies, etc., and something Higher Observes everything neutrally and objectively in the moment.

I saw many things in this movie. I experienced myself as being a really possessive, intense girlfriend - did he leave me a message? Checking like every 15 mins and feeling very agitated and angry if he didn't. Definitely, pitta behavior, if you know auyrvedic medicine. Pushy, hot, intense, demanding, cruel, territorial.

Wanting attention and to be noticed. After someone at work looked at me with a certain dreamy look, I felt very alarmed. I realized it is not fair to receive attention from people who I work with, because they did NOT choose to be with me, they are stuck with me so I better be considerate and leave them alone.

Feeling upset and sad about the clickish nature of the African dance community - they are a tight circle and also it is either become one of them OR stay out; there is no middle. They cannot just dance with anyone. I don't want to be their friend, and I don't want to be an outsider. I just want to dance with them. That should be ok.

Feeling sad, feeling rejected, feeling angry, feeling - all kinds of feelings. Observing others and my reactions to them and their reactions to me. Somehow everything has SLOWED DOWN and it is easier to watch this movie of my life.

I guess this is happening because I made a Decision to get married soon. First, to find a date for that dance party next week and to have a good time. I am working on it.

So, when such a big Decision is made, something happens, and God shows you where you need to improve to make your dreams come true.

======

Today I gave G books to someone and their friend found them and liked them. What a coincidence....

There are never any coincidences. I feel like my job is just to show up and do my work. Everything is arranged for me. To the last detail.

The healing effects of music

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:35:00 +0000

The post that I wrote earlier was written while listening to Buena Vista Social Club CD, which has music from Cuba. It is nice music, but. It produces a certain emotional effect, it reallies up the emotions, and actually muddies up the mind.

I felt it. I felt that what I was writing was not quite right and that I HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS WRITING ABOUT. For example, I have no idea if the party boy came looking for me. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was. Who knows, except God? So why bother even thinking about it.

So then I realized that my mind was all cluttered because of that music and I put in some Tibetan chanting. Instantly, my whole being is rejuvenated, my mind is clear, and I can work productively.

Interesting, isn't it.

I knew this from before, because when I was painting my Native American drum, I was listening to radio and Eric Clapton was on, and I felt completelly zonked out, drugged out, all foggy in my head. I could not paint the drum. So I put on some Tibetan flute music and voila - my mind cleared up and I could work.

I also know that if I listen to rock-n-roll and it "sounds good" it is because I am in a total wacko state of mind, i.e. neurotic, angry, pent up, etc. Also, when I am in that state, meditative music sounds too slow. That's my first sign that I have gone off the deep end.

When I am feeling right, then meditative music feels good and anything else feels bad.
And, my cat confirms that. When she listens to something, it means music is healing. Her favorite is Tibetan Lama Tashi chanting.

You can also probably feel the different quality in how I am writing now - it feels more present, because I am more present, because of the music. It was my intent to get out of the fuzzy state, and music was a helper.

how to play a human instrument

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:58:00 +0000

The bad part about being noticeable is creeps.

One of those parties & girls' boys also noticed me, he was looking at my okole during dance, which is a nuisance. Today he came to lurk around my work place. But he never came close, just hang around close enough to be seen, but never so close to say hi. I went to restroom and by the time I came back, he was gone.

What a stupid strategy for courting. He does not even talk with me. How would he be able to have a relationship with me?? Only 13 yr olds meet by just looking at each other across a room. Mature people interact and talk.

Also, how does he even know that he wants ME? He never talks with me and doesn't even know me. He looks at my shaking my okole during dance, that's it. So, he wants my okole? It's a small dance class, so there are no super good dancers in there and also no "stars" who like to flirt with the audience, so I guess he is left looking at what is available.

If shaking okole is the only thing that he likes/knows about me, then -- what good is this person for? He is happy to see a shaking okole, but how many hours of the week is that. How about the rest of the hours? Especially those mundane, boring daily moments, and those moments that are difficult and demanding. How about taking the garbage out, washing dishes, rushing off to work, coming home tired, having a bad day, disagreeing about what to have for dinner and what to do with the money, and god forbid even more important things, like feeding babies at 2am and raising children.

This guy has no clue about relationships, about openly showing affection, about being giving, about being committed, about respect, responsibility, working things out, Inner Work, consideration, etc.

This kind of immature courting just leaves me with something in my throat, it just seems a waste of time and human life, and makes me worried and scared. Many years ago, this person told me I was old and ugly. I haven't gotten any younger since then. Did he run out of 20yr olds and is now desoletly chasing 45yr olds? And/or he is the kind that judges you based on how you shake your okole?
This is a man my age who behaves as if he were 15 at most, and hangs out with 20yr olds, goes regularly to Burning Man festivals, etc. Very creepy.
His courting also includes trying to make me jelous in public by flirting with other women (shall I say: young girls half my age), etc. He stares at my butt, when I don't respond (who sane would?) then he immediatelly goes to find refuge in another skirt and makes sure everyone notices. Yuck.
He gives me creeps and makes me feel bad. Best to avoid such trash.

I feel drained even thinking about it. This is one of those examples of people who don't qualify because they are like vultures, waiting for you to slip and drop into their lap. Even thinking about it is exausting. Why waste time analyzing someone's stupidity.

Either a guy likes you and wants to spend time with you, in which case you interact and make decisions based on that, or he doesn't, in which case you competely forget him.

==============

On the opposite side of the spectrum, a mature man who is nice and courteous towards me and openly shows affection is like a breath of fresh air, like warm sunschine, so healing and positive. This kind of courting is like medicine. I met one recently, he acknowledged me and respected me. He even passed the test of difficult situation, i.e. he stayed kind through something difficult we worked together on. His treatment is kind, so warm, and produces a positive kind of reaction, where I can be kind and courteous to him, and then the cycle feeds infinitely into the positive side and leads into healing. That's a real man. He treats me well and from that I blossom.
This is a business associate, so he is protected by law :) That is hillarious, someone nice shows up and they are off limits. Oh well. In any case, I got a good male friend whom I respect and vice versa.
Old Rat Born Again was many times like this, and that's why I was hanging out with a him - it is very healing to have such a relationship with a man, where we both Work on ourselves and work things out and grow stronger and better through our interaction. It worked somewhat all right (well - somewhat because all Inner Work was initiated by me, so definitely he wasn't quite ready) until we reached the point of his religion. Then - ....

===============

What I concluded is that I am like an instrument, and only someone who knows how to play well should play. Then beautiful music comes out of me.

If someone who has no clue grabs this instrument, like that immature 40yr old teenager or the Old Rat Born Again Mario, then they just wreck the whole thing, they beat on it, they pull parts off, they make the instrument screech and disintegrate. It's like mauling a guitar or a violin or ukulele - it sounds awful. Or playing the drum in a muddy way.

I need someone who can play me well, treat me well, and get all the beautiful tones out of me.

you know what happens when you make a decision?

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:34:00 +0000

You know what happens when you make a decision? Suddenly things start moving in that direction. Everything old and junkey gets cleaned up and new things appear and life moves on in a positive direction.
Then old ghosts from the past start creeping up from inside you, and you lose the momentum. Then it is very important to keep the aim steady and keep on going for it.

Case study: so, once I made a decision that I was going to find a husband, asap (there is someone out there who is "meant to be" but I don't know who it is. It is like looking at a wast sea and trying to distinguish which wave is your wave. They all look like they could be it, but how do you know? If there was some elders around to help me, that would be nice. I am alone and left to my own devices in picking the husband for me. It is a very very difficult thing, to make decisions like that, without any support from more experienced and more objective and wiser older people. Luckily, I do have some elders that I can ask for advice and introduce candidates to.)

Well, once I made a decision that I won't waste a single second anymore on the candidates that are clearly wrong, like Old Rat Born Again Ignorant Mario, or the local party boy, or some other guys who are definitely neither putting any effort in nor are suitable in terms of their lifestyles - since they are not moving on it, I can ignore them. So far, I was ingoring them, but always wondering what they are up to. I don't have to be wondering anymore. They are not up to anything. They are just looking at me from afar, like vultures, hoping I'd make a wrong step and fall into their lap. So, forget them - they are just wasting my energy. I need to pay attention to the real serious candidates who are putting in effort, who clearly demonstrate they like me and want to be around me and ask me to spend time with them, do things together, etc. If I nurture those kind of connections with real, serious men, if I become more friends with such people, I will get to know someone well enough to be able to make the next step and fall in love and live happily ever after. Someone will be very lucky and very happy to get me, and vice versa. I need to pay attention and find the guy.

Well, as soon as I made that decision to stop reacting to the shady characters from the past and the present, and to move on and with bright eyes look at serious, real guys and pick one for marriage -

you know what happens?
First, the shady characters lose any power. They are gone. They don't matter anymore. I don't notice them, because I am busy living my life.
Second, I am having fun. Suddenly my life is a lot better, higher quality. The cobwebs are gone. Third, what is amazing, is that suddenly I am NOT thinking about who to marry anymore, I am just enjoying my life, fearlessly talking and interacting with everyone, including nice single guys. The effects are numerous:
professionally, I advance and people take me more seriously.
Personally, everyone notices me.
Romantically, suddenly men notice me as a woman, and start making nice comments about it.
(Even the unsuitable guys who so far never put a single effort to actually talk to me are trying to talk with me. ) Perhaps I look more approachable, or they smell something, I don't know. Men are like dogs - they somehow smell when a woman is looking for a mate, and they answer that call. They are excellent mirrors - based on how men treat you, you can tell how you are doing.

In my case, I had a "ban on men". I am not sure how to deal with them, so I avoid them. I can deal with them in the business context where I am safe and the rules are clear. Dealing with them in social context esp when romantic overtones are involved - was the most difficult thing for me and I avoided it at all costs. And I am very very good at hiding and running away and pushing people away. For a guy to talk with me, is next to impossible. First, finding me is practically impossible, and second, talking with me in social context is practically impossible.

The decision I made a few days ago was to stop running away from this problem and to face it.

It is as if I was hidden behind something, and now that something is gone, and people can actually SEE me. So they notice I am nice, and they say it. And what is amazing is that I do not ask for it nor depend on it. I am not dressing nor behaving in a way that would attract attention. I am just the same old me, but a lot more alive and confident inside.

It is nice to be acknowledged, but I am living my life for me, and also to serve others.

I was at a high-middle school event on Friday, with zillions of kids, and it was such a pleasure and privilege to deal with them. I love kids. There is something about them that is deeply touching, and I am honored whenever I deal with children, it is so wonderful to serve them.

? unknown

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 11:05:00 +0000

I have no idea what is going to happen now. I just know that I made a decision, and when that happens, there are always consequences.

I decided this:
the candidates that I have around me are not cutting it. And I have been lazy in putting in effort to find someone suitable. So I need to put some effort to find someone more suitable. So, I have made a decision that I will go on dates and be serious about this. And finally get married soon, it's time.

I am already noticing that I am getting more serious about this because the pattern is always: when someone who looks suitable and asks me out shows up on the horizon, I become very ansy and distressed (because I hate making romantic decisions - because I mostly made bad ones so far...) and then I start checking the guy and testing him. Well, someone showed up and passed the first test - he actually was kind and considerate to me in a situation difficult for him. That's a good sign. This guy might even make it, who knows. But again - I know him via business so he is out of question for going out with. The only chance he has is to work with me and somehow becomes a super deep long lasting love that results in marriage.

But, someone will show up, since I made a decision. This kind and proactive guy actually helped me make that decision.

Now - who shows up is a mystery. The last time I made this kind of decision, I had person X in mind and actively went to pursue him, but then ended up with person Y, completely out of blue and totally unexpected. I didn't even know person Y. I just chopped veggies for one hour with this person and he ended up asking me out because he liked my nice skin. Well, after dealing with the Old Rat, I don't have nice skin anymore. That's sad.

This time I will be smarter, hopefully I have learned something by now :) the hard way. Very hard way, unfortunately. I wish I was smarter. But again - we learn as we grow.

There is a dance next week in the local gym and I will find a date to go out with. How about that. When have I done that the last time? About 20 yrs ago ....

There is hope :)

Children are the adornment of the world

noreply@blogger.com (HumanRemodeling) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 04:21:00 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzaUaqccTPI&feature=related

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

da kazu svi mnogo je bilo je suza svud
dosta se lilo na svetu vec
lose je bilo
sad dobro ce bit

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili to

Djeco kako bi bilo da znate
kako bi skocile plate
svako bi zivio
svoj vlastiti san

i ne bi tad
bilo ni rata
a ko je sam
dali bi mu brata
i sav bi strah
skinuli s vrata
jer jer bio bi mir

....nosice
duge frizure i ....
muziku ko sto volimo mi

2 i 2 bice sest
ko je spor bice vest

bice to
slucaj cest
svaki dan
dobra vest

mozda bi nam moglo
jednokoje? stize
resiti za uvek ovu stvar

jer
Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili
ruke da spletu i nikada igru ne zavrse
ne prekinu san

Kad bi svi ljudi na svetu bas kao sva deca na svetu
o kad bi svi ljudi na svetu odlucili da

Arsen Dedic

ENGLISH
If all the people in world, just like all children of the world,
made a decision that

it was enough tears already
enough spilled tears everywhere
it was bad
now it's going to be good

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world,
made a decision about this

Children, if you would know
how much salaries would go up
everyone would live up
their own dreams

And there would be no war
and who is alone
would get a brother
and all fears
would get off our back
because because it would be peace

2 and 2 would be 6
who is slow would be fast

it will be an ordinary occurence
every day
good news

maybe we could
solve this thing for good

Because
If all the people in world, just like all children of the world, made a decision about this

Oh, if all the people in world, made a decision
to hold hands together and never to finish playing
never to interrupt the dreams

If all the people in world, just like all children of the world, made a decision about this

by Arsen Dedic, contemporary singer and poet from what is now called Croatia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I2KtsrWcvk&feature=related
DECA SU UKRAS SVETA

Nema sveta ni planete There is no world nor a planet
Gde ne može stići dete where a child cannot go
Jer sve dečje staze vode because paths of all children lead
Od igre do slobode from play to freedom

Cveće je ukras bašte Flowers are adornment of a garden
Leptir je ukras cveta Butterfly is adornment of a flower
A deca puna mašte And children full of imagination
Deca suUkras sveta Children are adornment of the world

Lepe pesme tihe tajne Beautiful songs quiet secrets
Sve ljubavi važne sjajne all childrens' loves illumined
Neka planu nek' se rode let them flame let them be born
Od igre do slobode from play to freedom

Cveće je ukras bašte Flowers are adornment of garden
Leptir je ukras cveta Butternfly is adornment of flower
A deca puna mašte And children full of imagination
Deca suUkras sveta children are adornment of the world.

Ljubivoje Ršumović by Ljubivoje Rshumovich

U svetu postoji jedno carstvo,u njemu caruje drugarstvo.U njemu je sve lepo u njemu je sve nežno,U njemu se sve raduje!U njemu je sve lepo u njemu je sve nežno,U njemu se sve raduje!Tamo su kuće od čokolade,Prozori su od marmeladeTamo svako radi ono sta hoćeTamo raste svako voće.U svetu postoji jedno carstvo U njemu caruje drugarstvo U njemu caruje drugarstvo ...

There is a kingdom in the world, in which friendship is the king. There everything is beautiful there everything is gentle, there everything rejoices.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=627gIQVfVi8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmiyzVmWryA&feature=related