Sunday, January 24, 2010

what's on the inside comes to the outside

It was a very growing-up, educational experience for me personally to be able to process the Born Again "christian" experience and exorcise it out of my energetic field. It was such a bad experience, very sobering insight into the dark side of human nature, and honestly, very scary and depressing view of human race. It makes you lose faith in humanity. How can a human being possibly believe that some people are superior to others? I never came close to anything like that before and it was simply shocking and terrifying. Contact with that made me look at people and wonder what hideous stuff is behind the "normal citizen" facade.

In my book, a human being at least tries to uphoald some noble and true values, like "all humans are equal" etc. and of course to often fail in practice in little details of daily life. But to intentionally and willingly and convincingly believe that some are superior than others?!

No wonder that SRF nun said that any contact with something like that can only increase hurt feelings. It truly does.
The *only* thing someone like that can do is HURT OTHERS.
No wonder Earth is so messed up.... with so many people like that walking around.

This Born Again popped into my head recently. I have no idea why. It made me realize several things: he treated me just like he treated his church, like he treats everything - he TALKED about how he loved me, but he never actually acted on it;
it never oozed out of him, he never felt it nor expressed it. His idea of "love" was just like Sunday sermon - lots of words without meaning and without practical application in daily life. Empty, fake, deceiving.
As if he was a zombie - saying one thing like a parrot.
Also, he was a super version of his own father, who he said was all about talk and no action.

And he didn't understand that it wasn't only TALKING that made a difference - when I asked him to leave his church because it was the foundation stone of his inability to love and relate, he said: "Oh, I know what I need to do in order to gain you - I just need to say that I denounce the church." He never got it - it is not enough to "just say it." The only thing that counts is what you ARE INSIDE, what you believe inside, because that's how you act on the outside.

what is inside comes to the surface and that's who you are on the outside.

What we should strive for is something noble and good, like equality, like compassion, FOR ALL. All saints and sages are like that. There is one God, and that one God is in charge of us all. There are no "favorites" of God. There are no "sure tickets to heaven" if you belong to the "right club" and call yourself christian or whatever. It is a very individualized contract with God and there are no shortcuts and deals. God requires one thing, and either you got it or not: ability to truly feel, experience and act on "Love thy Neighbor as Thyself" and "love God with all Thy heart, mind and soul." God never said: "how much you talked about it", he said "how much you can do it, NOW." There are people who are more evolved, like Jesus or Buddha or Krishna. There are people who are less evolved. And everyone should be striving to evolve.

I guess that was the growing up fact for me: everyone is striving, in their own way, to the extent they are capable and willing. Some people are weak and have serious character and other flaws and they are not striving much if at all, and that's the best that they can and/or are willing to do.

Like a drunk who wants and likes to drink - what can he do? Not much. Doesn't matter how he started drinking and why - the fact is, he drinks, he likes it, and he wants to keep doing that.

That was the growing up for me: Earth consists mostly of people who are not willing to wake up. Who are scared. Who are seriously wounded. Who are following false paths.
Only a very few, who are very persistent and very very lucky, get to experience something else.

I used to believe that everyone is following something Higher, some certain higher calling from the inside, because that's the only thing that makes sense to me.
It does NOT make sense to majority of humanity.
And yet - it is a complete waste to even think about that. Yes, it is shocking, and hard to believe, and very tempting to keep on wondering how the heck can they live like that, but then they use you as a holder of their own shame and remorse. So, the best thing is to forget all about asleep people and really really focus on developing oneself.

I call that growing up :) Also, loving myself. Taking care of myself.

Because, the truth is, there are people who Remember Something and who are trying to wake up. It takes faith to keep on developing oneself in order to come in contact with Those Who are More Evolved. They are around too. Not as visible but definitely present. It is very prudent to focus on that side of the story. TO FOCUS ON POSITIVE AND HIGHER.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

what am I doing at the farmer's market

Hi, X,
sorry I didn't really answer your question about what I am doing at the farmer's market :) I was still thinking of of your cat and all other cats around here with HIV. How did they get it? Take care of yourself, if I were you it would definitely be a spiritual practice to say bye to your cat. And, why do cats around here get it, and how can it be prevented and healed. A big issue to ponder :)

Anyways, what I am doing at the market is spreading my fame. I can fix someone's neck pain, etc. in 10-15-20 minutes. That's pretty awesome and very very rare, so people talk about it. So, it is important that they get to witness that at the market and see for themselves. I meet people from all over, and after I fix whatever pain they had, they voluntarily put me into travel brochures, etc., so it is really a way to world fame. :)

That's what I am doing there, for the time being. I can do it now while I don't have family obligations. It is really a little bit of a luxury because it pays little for the time invested. However, I consider it advertising expense :) Yellow pages doesn't work for what I do :)

I should have my own booth and spread my brand name. I have nothing to do with the guy who shares the booth with me, he is a roomate of the market owner and she asked me to share the booth, to save the space.

So, that's what I am doing there.

Thanks for listening:)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Yes indeed

yes indeed where is the guy? I remember clearly that I prayed to God to send me the guy who was assigned to me. The Born Again 'christian' who showed up knew that, and kept on saying that he was sure we were assigned. Heck assigned. As soon as it got rough, this "sure he was assigned" guy disappeared in a jiffy.

So I was telling God: I meant REALLY assigned, not just SAYING he was assigned.

Send me the guy who is TRULY ASSIGNED TO ME as my mate. There is one and we know there is one. Where is that one? Get him going and make him show up and take the post. I mean, life is passing by, let's get going asap. Ok God? Please step on it. Thanks.


Essay of a Tracker student: how Tracker school changed my life

Well, it did change my life, every time I went. First, I was a very "abnormal" child but I was little aware of it, I grew up next to the woods and in the woods. Then I went to college, got married to a "normal" guy and led a "normal" life - until I got very sick and spent a year in bed. And that's how I became "abnormal" again and got well.Trying to heal, I tried all kinds of strange and new things. One day I drove out with an elderly friend to hunt for crystals - something cookey that I would have never done - and he mentioned "a school where they teach you to sneak up and touch a deer," and for some reason it really stuck to me - rationally it was so corny and didn't make sense to anyone, but it got me! Soon, I was in a retreat center and as I was checking out, the mailman came - with Tracker schedule - so I took the number from the brochure. And so I went. Every class I took changed my life 180 degrees. At the standard, I was hungry and cold and then later I wasn't. I remember sitting in class and looking at the wall in front of me. There was nothing there but I stared at it. The next second, there was a very big guy standing there (Tom Brown) and I was wondering where the heck did he come from. He looked and behaved like a military drill sargent and I disliked him. FORTUNATELY I never read any of his books beforehand, because when I saw the books later, the books turned me off and the person also turned me off. I asked him in spirit why he was so rough and he answered that he had to be in order to teach, so I accepted it and kept on going to classes. Next classes were all a major transformational experience. One helped me finish my dissertation, another helped me "feel", another helped me divorce, all helped me transform.Pines feels like home. I remember when I first came - for some reason at night when everyone went to bed I was always hanging around the GF sit area that looks at the cedars but I didn't know it was there. One night I sang there and someone came out of the bush and said: didn't you know, there is a sit area here? come on in. I always go there to sit. I have it as a background on my computer. Scout class was the best. That's the first time I became alive in years. My (then) husband thought Tracker was just a fad and I will become"normal" again. Nope, it got worse. One summer I went to a Tracker class and he went somewhere else on vacation, and when we both got back, we looked at each other and there was 0 in common, and we separated and divorced. So I took even more Tracker classes and spent all my vacation there, and worked part time and lived close to the Pines in order to take more classes. I am not sure when this class was - it was the healing class or maybe animal dissection class or caretaking class?, it was spring time on the very old small farm with a house and a small hut for classes in NJ. During the healing class I know is the first time I got to talk to a plant, milk thistle told me it could refresh people. During this other class,I sat alone in the classroom and for some reason watched the big armchair in the front. I "saw" Grandfather sitting in it and he asked me if I would accept him as my grandfather, and I said yes. That was really sweet. I talk to Grandfather regularly and consider him a great friend. Even when he tests me and tortures me, like when he put me next to the nicest guy at the time I didn't talk to guys, he is still very gentle and always means me well. I always visit with GF. Many years later, Tom Brown said to us that this was GF's favorite chair and he always sat in it. That made sense to me :)Unfortunately, the divorce hit me real bad and I was REALLY sick and everyone thought I will die asap. I was going to, actually, i didn't care if I lived or died. But then - summer came and I went to a Tracker class :) scout class. And the sheer joy of being alive and free made me decide to live. That's a turning point in my life - trucking into camp, on top of all gear, at night, late, in full rain, without dinner. EXCITING! That was worth living for!!!! I definitely was going to live for that.Later that winter I took Phil classes in a row and for some unbeknowst reason to me kept on saying around the fire as to why I was there: "because I wish to live from an open heart." Honestly, I had no clue what I was saying, and I knew it. I was amazed to the words coming out of my mouth. Anyways, I was very sick because of mold in my house, and that winter, it got me and I almost died, for real. I finally discovered what it was (Art of Mentoring helped) and moved out and finally started getting better. Well - depends how you look at it :) I had a major accident and was forced into action. For 7 years by then I knew I should move to South West but I was hanging around the Pines taking classes. After this accident, I HAD TO move. After a VQ and Protector class, I took off, sold my house and moved to Hawaii. Cold. At the end of Protector class was the first time ever that I realized that there was no Tom nor Malcolm to protect me and the camp and make magic foofoo dust, I was an adult and I was supposed to take care of myself and also protect others and the camp. It was scary and I felt very inadequate. :)I was crying as I was driving out of the Pines, knowing I won't come back. I had no idea where I was going. I wandered for 3months before I found Hawaii. Grandfather led my every step. I was alone in the desert, etc etc and I was always safe and taken care of.Since then, I have come to just a few Tracker classes and 100 person VQ, Hawaii is very expensive, I had no connections, and it was difficult. Again, taking classes changed my life. Scout classes again :) I have never had so much fun in my life. The last scout classes also convinced me that I was super sensitive and living in another world. I am different, period. My friend says I am wired as a healer, which makes me different, but should not make me separate. Sometimes it is difficult not to be separate, most humanity is quite cruel. During the second-to-last 100 person VQ in the Pines (2005?), I had to ( I was forced big time!) to promise to God to try to settle and get married. Grandfather tortured me quite a lot about that and it is rather comical, actually, a major hilarious black comedy. I failed miserably :) :) :) What he concocted is so wicked and a lot worse than any movie or story. Not quite like how he made Tom Brown pull skunk's tail, but similar :) That led to dating another tracker student in 2006, which ended as a complete disaster. I am still recovering :( The same pattern - I got really sick and was sick entire last year. Not as bad as before though. That WAS THE ONLY negative change because of tracker classes :) Well, it was a positive change, actually, at least I went on a date. I clearly remember putting a dress and going to an evening show, and being completely amazed and speechless in surprise when the guy said I looked nice. He had to say it kinda quietly and into the wind sideways as if never said it :) because I was going to bite :) I didn't even talk to men for 6-7 years before that. And I started talking to this one not as a man but as a younger friend, only out of obligation to help a fellow tracker, because he was quite ill when we first met. I am still quite rough and bite, but perhaps one day someone will show up. Oh, I almost forgot. When I got divorced and was very sad I had nobody and prayed to God for a scout :) then I saw an image of a hunter in a big green cloak. About a month later, I SAW AN ALMOST IDENTICAL PERSON in a Phil class. The almost exact replica of my vision saw me across the big kitchen hall of the Scout camp and came over to greet me, saying: "I don't know where we met, but you look familiar?" WE HAVE NEVER EVER MET BEFORE. I looked him over and realized he looked similar to what I saw in the vision, but wasn't the guy. My guy had a different smile. So I told him that I was praying for a husband and saw someone who looked similar. He said: "weird way to look for a mate!" and I remember thinking: "???? there is another way?? this is the only way I know of that works." He thought for some time and said: "it is not me, I am married, but I feel there is someone for you." Well, that someone didn't show up yet. I wonder where he is. He is majorly late. I kept asking Grandfather and then got tired of asking. That's why I got ill - I got angry and stopped all communications. That always makes me miserable and ill. Sorry to say that, but it is true. Hm, there was another negative thing, and Nancy will vouch for it, she proclaimed me the works of devil and all that jazz and wanted to expel me from the school. At the time I was dieing from mold and didn't know what it was, i wrote too many messages to Phil 6 list and that bothered them. They never took the time to figure out something was wrong with me and to help me. I just received major scoldings and a label of being "bad". I guess Nancy's wish to never see me in the school again is coming true, as I really don't have the time to go to NJ anymore nor to post much. That's sad in some ways. In other ways, it's exciting, I am into "bigger and better things". My dream was a healing business via bodywork, and I do that now. That's one reason why it is difficult to travel.Also, I am dedicating more time to personal growth and inner development, attending a Gourdjieff group and spending more time with my guru Paramahansa Yogananda. The Tracker idea of "healing the world" and external awareness is obsolete to me now. I believe I heal the world by changing myself. So I work very intensely on increasing INNER awareness as well as outer. I remember long time ago how Grandfather and Yogananda argued if I should go to Tracker school that much, and Grandfather said it was ok. Yes, it was ok, back then. Now it is more Yogananda's stuff. I am kinda tasked to move my life beyond the wall of grief and live more in the spirit band me, to use Phil lingo.In terms of largest change, Tracker classes gradually made me very different. I practice my scout skills everywhere and anywhere, if I am putting laundry on the line, walking around, sneaking up on the cat, etc. Especially when I do bodywork, tracking and awareness makes it very different and that's why I am so successful - I can repair people rather amazingly well. The way I live is very very different. I didn't realize it, it just snuck on me :) one day it became obvious that this question WHAT DIS MEAN was running my life. That I was running regularly to do Vision Quests, talking to trees, and doing all kinds of interesting things that "normal" people consider sci fi. One of my favorites is me and the cat talking to an owl and saving it. Sounds like living in Hogwarts to many people but that's how I live. So I don't talk about it :) I just fill zillions of online petitions for environmental causes, recycle, clean up, takecare, etc. I didn't make the last 100 person VQ in NJ, I quested locally with another Tracker student. It was AMAZING how we were kept safe, in spite of hurricane threat and heavy human traffic and even hunters walking up on our sites. I saw a person like 5 ft away. He turned around and left.There are many many more incidents. Too many to number. Am not sure that this is longer or shorter than what you asked for :) It is quite a story, when you look at it. It was one disaster after another, all because I never Listened. I was a complacent coward and very insecure. Grandfather helped me deal with that. So thank you for changing our lives and helping the Planet be better and healthier. Happy Birthday!Love,one of your students.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2nd full moon

Is tomorrow! Very rare occassion.

I am completing a 5-day cleanse by Young Living. Amazing stuff. I used some "powder food" they sell called Balance Complete. It replaces meals. You just dissolve 2 scoops in water. Also, you take wolfberry juice, and a lot of it. And, you take a pill with pepermint essential oil and a few other digestive/cleanse oils. And that's all you eat, three times a day, plus some tiny snakcs, like: 1/2 cup of blueberries, 2 tbsp of sunflower seeds, 1plum for the whole day. And, lots of water to flush it all out.

First, I was hungry the first day, and headachey and weak, somewhat feverish. I was doing computer work and that didn't help, probably, my eyes and my brain were exausted. Then I did a healing treatment, and that made me feel better.
So in the evening it became better and I danced around the room.
I woke up the next morning feeling like OOOOhhhhhh, what a relief ... it felt good in my body.

The second day was rough - I woke up ok but went back to sleep, and then had dark red puffy under my eyes, I felt weak and hungry. I felt feverish sometimes. My kidney was complaining a little sometimes. I was headachy and tired and weak and really off for most of the day. Detox symptoms... I was doing computer work again.
I did some healings and it changed everything, I felt better. By the evening, I was tired but feeling a lot better.

This morning, I woke up just fine, and was very fine, very energetic and clear all day long, and I did many healing treatments, outcalls, I was working all day long and on very difficult cases, lugging my table around, driving, ... I worked in some very fancy beach homes, very clean and orderly and just beautiful. The last treatment was at my house and it was powerful spiritual lesson in Love and Oneness and my home feels somehow refreshed.

***** Well, isn't that a pattern - I do healing treatments and that makes me feel good. I do computer work and it makes me feel lousy. IT IS TIME I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS. Although I kinda liked what I was studying on the computer, still.

Also, because I was so busy and people were coming in and I didn't really eat on time. I would get up at 9, then eat breakfast at 10, then lunch would be at 2.... sometimes at 4pm... Today I ate dinner at 8:30pm... Today I felt tired because I did an outcall which was a little bit over the edge. I really should have not done it.

Also, I don't miss food.... Shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating -it all takes so much time. On the other hand, I look at that powder I am taking and I think how artificial it is and how removed I am from the land eating something like that. I need to be in touch with the bounty of the Earth.

I do get hungry now and I look at some stuff on my fridge and I am tempted a little, but then - not really. I notice I am tempted more with the carob coated raisins and not with pumkin and sunflower seeds. Hm - cravings, what in me wants to eat those. Candida, parasites, ...

Today I lay down with Yogananda's "sing thy name" CD with monks and 2000 devotees singing, and that was powerful. I just lost consciousness and woke up 30 mins later, totally refreshed.

Monday, December 28, 2009


In my email inbox, there is a message from me, replying to some Russian dating service saying that my spam filter doesn't accept connections. But that spam filter message should have been sent to whoever tried to contact me. The spam message looks like I am the emailing myself and the spam filter complains. ??? As if someone is using my email without me knowing it.


It never ceases to amaze how connected our bodies are. For example, a problem in the shoulder can be fixed by working on the hips. A problem in the knee can be helped by fixing the shoulder or the hips.


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